my random thoughts on "raising another's bottom"
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my random thoughts on "raising another's bottom"
I do truly believe that our taking the focus off the addict does not only enhance our lives but also raises the bottom of the addict - both good things especially for parents.
However, in the last little bit of time i have also pondered that what does not happen is that anything can change what that bottom looks like. In other words, the bottom may come sooner to our addicted loved ones, but what that bottom is does not change.
For example, in my case, it may be that my son is so deep in denial that his bottom will happen after he experiences 20 years of homelessness and destitution as opposed to 30 years. Or maybe his bottom will happen after he overdoses six months from now rather than 1 year from now - or maybe his bottom will happen after he overdoses 5 times rather than 10 times.
If that is so, it would be more in line with the fact that we cannot "control the addiction." And really, to take that phrase literally means that our taking the focus off the addict, stopping the enabling, and focusing on our own recovery really has absolutely no ability to "raise their bottom."
Any thoughts?
However, in the last little bit of time i have also pondered that what does not happen is that anything can change what that bottom looks like. In other words, the bottom may come sooner to our addicted loved ones, but what that bottom is does not change.
For example, in my case, it may be that my son is so deep in denial that his bottom will happen after he experiences 20 years of homelessness and destitution as opposed to 30 years. Or maybe his bottom will happen after he overdoses six months from now rather than 1 year from now - or maybe his bottom will happen after he overdoses 5 times rather than 10 times.
If that is so, it would be more in line with the fact that we cannot "control the addiction." And really, to take that phrase literally means that our taking the focus off the addict, stopping the enabling, and focusing on our own recovery really has absolutely no ability to "raise their bottom."
Any thoughts?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I think this is SUCH an interesting topic!
At some point in my struggle to get my alcoholic to stop drinking (after the "keep him happy all the time" phase and before the "prolonged personal sorrow and despair" phase) I certainly tried to facilitate his bottom a time or two.
Mostly through giving long lectures about the seriousness of his offenses, the ways in which he'd hurt me, and the time it would take to repair the terrible damages to his family, friendships, and health.
I kept thinking, "Surely this is the bottom. If I can just get him to understand how horrible the situation is, he won't have to go any further down."
Living with alcoholism has been a tremendous exercise in humility for me.
I can see now that it is not my job to speed anyone's descent into addiction, or to cushion their fall, or to convince them that they're down.
All that stuff happens in its own time - when the time is right for the addict.
I've found that focusing on another person's bottom kept me from experiencing my own - it took the spotlight off of my problems (where it should be) and onto someone else's.
When I focus on my own issues and begin my recovery, I am doing the very best thing for myself and the alcoholic. It may speed things along - but I think personal recovery is the only healthy way to "accelerate" the a's bottom. That acceleration just happens as a side effect of my own progress - it is not the intention.
Thanks!
-TC
At some point in my struggle to get my alcoholic to stop drinking (after the "keep him happy all the time" phase and before the "prolonged personal sorrow and despair" phase) I certainly tried to facilitate his bottom a time or two.
Mostly through giving long lectures about the seriousness of his offenses, the ways in which he'd hurt me, and the time it would take to repair the terrible damages to his family, friendships, and health.
I kept thinking, "Surely this is the bottom. If I can just get him to understand how horrible the situation is, he won't have to go any further down."
Living with alcoholism has been a tremendous exercise in humility for me.
I can see now that it is not my job to speed anyone's descent into addiction, or to cushion their fall, or to convince them that they're down.
All that stuff happens in its own time - when the time is right for the addict.
I've found that focusing on another person's bottom kept me from experiencing my own - it took the spotlight off of my problems (where it should be) and onto someone else's.
When I focus on my own issues and begin my recovery, I am doing the very best thing for myself and the alcoholic. It may speed things along - but I think personal recovery is the only healthy way to "accelerate" the a's bottom. That acceleration just happens as a side effect of my own progress - it is not the intention.
Thanks!
-TC
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
It's my belief that everyone's bottom is the same.
What's different is how long it takes for someone to realize they have hit bottom. I was on the bottom long before I knew it.
What's also different are the consequences of hitting bottom. I didn't have those tangible consequences - job loss, arrests, wife leaving me, etc. Just because none of that happened had nothing to do with being on the bottom.
Those sorts of consequences can help someone realize that they have hit bottom, but it doesn't change how they got there. Also, family/friends who switch from enbablers/co-dependents to detaching and no longer enabling also don't change the bottom. Those changes in behavior are consequences. And those consequences can help the struggling to see that they are on the bottom.
To me, the bottom means spiritually and emotionally broken. And that happened to me long before I realized it. Consequences are irrelevant to the scope of the "bottom." They are only the evidence that points to a bottom.
In terms of "raising the bottom," that's just adding consequences that may help the struggling to realize they are on the bottom. IMHO anyway...
What's different is how long it takes for someone to realize they have hit bottom. I was on the bottom long before I knew it.
What's also different are the consequences of hitting bottom. I didn't have those tangible consequences - job loss, arrests, wife leaving me, etc. Just because none of that happened had nothing to do with being on the bottom.
Those sorts of consequences can help someone realize that they have hit bottom, but it doesn't change how they got there. Also, family/friends who switch from enbablers/co-dependents to detaching and no longer enabling also don't change the bottom. Those changes in behavior are consequences. And those consequences can help the struggling to see that they are on the bottom.
To me, the bottom means spiritually and emotionally broken. And that happened to me long before I realized it. Consequences are irrelevant to the scope of the "bottom." They are only the evidence that points to a bottom.
In terms of "raising the bottom," that's just adding consequences that may help the struggling to realize they are on the bottom. IMHO anyway...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My father had a 25+ year drinking career under his belt when he finally sought help through AA.
Apparently my mother at some point after going to some AlAnon meetings had given him the number to the AA hotline in our area and said you should call this number.
He had it on his dresser for 7 years before he made the call.
And the day he made that call did not follow any of the worst episodes of his drunkeness or my mother's freaking out that haunted my childhood. It didn't follow any of the ugly terrible tense fights he and my mother would have about his drinking. He hadn't just gotten fired, or arrested, or beat up.
It was just a regular hungover winter Saturday. He called the number. A man came and picked him up and took him for coffee. My dad went through withdrawals and started going to AA. He lived 20 more years, in solid recovery, he changed SO much, it was amazing to see.
And although his drinking and mom's raging codependence did so much damage to the family, he died probably the most peaceful and enlightened of all of us!! Crazy.
What was his bottom? Only he knows. But it took 25+ years to hit it.
I think that's what I appreciate about AlAnon- it has given me the insight & tools to stop enabling my brothers - not because I am trying to get any kind of reaction or force their bottom or anything like that, but because enabling and thinking I have control over people or outcomes promotes a seriously unhealthy system of living for ME! It keeps me sick and stuck and closed off to all that my life wants ME to be.
Peace-
B.
Apparently my mother at some point after going to some AlAnon meetings had given him the number to the AA hotline in our area and said you should call this number.
He had it on his dresser for 7 years before he made the call.
And the day he made that call did not follow any of the worst episodes of his drunkeness or my mother's freaking out that haunted my childhood. It didn't follow any of the ugly terrible tense fights he and my mother would have about his drinking. He hadn't just gotten fired, or arrested, or beat up.
It was just a regular hungover winter Saturday. He called the number. A man came and picked him up and took him for coffee. My dad went through withdrawals and started going to AA. He lived 20 more years, in solid recovery, he changed SO much, it was amazing to see.
And although his drinking and mom's raging codependence did so much damage to the family, he died probably the most peaceful and enlightened of all of us!! Crazy.
What was his bottom? Only he knows. But it took 25+ years to hit it.
I think that's what I appreciate about AlAnon- it has given me the insight & tools to stop enabling my brothers - not because I am trying to get any kind of reaction or force their bottom or anything like that, but because enabling and thinking I have control over people or outcomes promotes a seriously unhealthy system of living for ME! It keeps me sick and stuck and closed off to all that my life wants ME to be.
Peace-
B.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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In terms of "raising the bottom," that's just adding consequences that may help the struggling to realize they are on the bottom. IMHO anyway...
I don't know, some alcoholics are so far in denial, no bottom (that I consider a bottom) would be their bottom. Unfortunately, for some, the bottom is death.
My AH had most of his pancreas removed after years of horrible health issues, the cause according to him? He was born with small bile ducts, his gall bladder surgery caused damage to his bile ducts, etc. He has never acknowledged that his alcoholism has damaged his pancreas.
*shrug*
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
I can't remember who posted this on SR a couple of months ago...but they said that some people have to be emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially broken before they can find their bottom. For me that was the truth.....I had to bottom out in all 5 areas before I would finally seek help for my codependency issues and other issues I am facing. Once I had hit those bottoms...I RAN like an ax murderer was chasing me to an Al-Anon meeting and to my psychologist so that I could start on my path to recovery.
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I don't think it's just being broken in every way that makes a person ready to get sober.
He/she also has to believe that there's another way. If you don't know that your life can be different, that there's another way, you just learn to accept being broken.
That's why no 12 Step call is wasted. Because even if the person hearing the message doesn't come to a meeting or get sober, you've given them the message that his life doesn't have to be this way. It can be different.
Once they know that their lives can be different, then they have to want their lives to be different. It's very scary to change your entire way of life and thinking. It's very scary to admit that you're wrong and that you've hurt people around you.
Getting sober is hard. But it's possible. There is hope. We do recover.
He/she also has to believe that there's another way. If you don't know that your life can be different, that there's another way, you just learn to accept being broken.
That's why no 12 Step call is wasted. Because even if the person hearing the message doesn't come to a meeting or get sober, you've given them the message that his life doesn't have to be this way. It can be different.
Once they know that their lives can be different, then they have to want their lives to be different. It's very scary to change your entire way of life and thinking. It's very scary to admit that you're wrong and that you've hurt people around you.
Getting sober is hard. But it's possible. There is hope. We do recover.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
I think this is SUCH an interesting topic!
At some point in my struggle to get my alcoholic to stop drinking (after the "keep him happy all the time" phase and before the "prolonged personal sorrow and despair" phase) I certainly tried to facilitate his bottom a time or two.
Mostly through giving long lectures about the seriousness of his offenses, the ways in which he'd hurt me, and the time it would take to repair the terrible damages to his family, friendships, and health.
Living with alcoholism has been a tremendous exercise in humility for me.
I can see now that it is not my job to speed anyone's descent into addiction, or to cushion their fall, or to convince them that they're down.
All that stuff happens in its own time - when the time is right for the addict.
I've found that focusing on another person's bottom kept me from I kept thinking, "Surely this is the bottom. If I can just get him to understand how horrible the situation is, he won't have to go any further down."experiencing my own - it took the spotlight off of my problems (where it should be) and onto someone else's.
When I focus on my own issues and begin my recovery, I am doing the very best thing for myself and the alcoholic. It may speed things along - but I think personal recovery is the only healthy way to "accelerate" the a's bottom. That acceleration just happens as a side effect of my own progress - it is not the intention.
Thanks!
-TC
At some point in my struggle to get my alcoholic to stop drinking (after the "keep him happy all the time" phase and before the "prolonged personal sorrow and despair" phase) I certainly tried to facilitate his bottom a time or two.
Mostly through giving long lectures about the seriousness of his offenses, the ways in which he'd hurt me, and the time it would take to repair the terrible damages to his family, friendships, and health.
Living with alcoholism has been a tremendous exercise in humility for me.
I can see now that it is not my job to speed anyone's descent into addiction, or to cushion their fall, or to convince them that they're down.
All that stuff happens in its own time - when the time is right for the addict.
I've found that focusing on another person's bottom kept me from I kept thinking, "Surely this is the bottom. If I can just get him to understand how horrible the situation is, he won't have to go any further down."experiencing my own - it took the spotlight off of my problems (where it should be) and onto someone else's.
When I focus on my own issues and begin my recovery, I am doing the very best thing for myself and the alcoholic. It may speed things along - but I think personal recovery is the only healthy way to "accelerate" the a's bottom. That acceleration just happens as a side effect of my own progress - it is not the intention.
Thanks!
-TC
Hit home with me!
I too kept thinking,
"Surely this is the bottom. If I can just get him to understand how horrible the situation is, he won't have to go any further down."
I finally hit my bottom when I began to take the focus off everyone else which was very hard thing to do! Getting continual phone calls & disturbing ones at that....I began to feel something was not only wrong with them but, with ME!
I was drowning.....my life was a mess-all the way around! I started counseling then Al-Anon and then SR! Today life is much better because I know the choices in my life affect me, and their choices affect them! No longer do I allow anyone's choices bring me down!
We cannot change the past and the hurt and what we have done to ourselves by our choices-but, we can forgive and allow compassion into our lives and know that we have the potential within us to move onto a better life-those who want to join us we can welcome. If they want to make the choice of doing things we do not like, we have the choice to exclude them from our lives!
And so the focus on US begins! It is GRAND! :bounce
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