Hi, I'm a newbie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 1
Hi, I'm a newbie.
Hello all,
I am brand new to this site, and this entire recovery life style. I am lost in my marriage and I feel like I just need to type it all out to help me organize it in my brain, as well as, hopefully get some clarification on life. So here goes...
My hubby and I have been married for 17 years. we have a 16 year old daughter. He is active duty military, I am an ER nurse that works nights. Throughout our marriage we have had several deployments and have probably spent more than half of our marriage separated from each other due to the military.
Fast forward to 6 months ago. I was cleaning when I found the vodka bottle empty. I knew that I hadn't drank it, and my husband didn't drink "hard" alcohol (or so I thought), I accused our teeanger of drinking it. She of course denied it, and the next day my husband admitted to drinking it. He told me that he would occasionally have a shot here or there to help him sleep. I told him that I was worried, with his family history of alcoholism, that he should think about not drinking anymore....
2 weeks later he mentioned to someone at work that he feels like he might be drinking too much. The military promptly evaluated him and diagnosed him as alcoholic and sent him to outpt rehab and AA. He hasn't had a drink since Sept 10th. He "graduated" from rehab in Dec, and is back at work.
Our marriage is a wreck. It wasn't that great before, but now it feels even worse. We fight constantly, he tells me that I am not supportive of his program. The only thing ever discussed in this house is sobriety and his nightly meetings.
First off, I don't even know if I believe he is an alcoholic. When this first all came about and I questioned whether he was an alcoholic he told me that I just wasn't aware of all of the drinking because most of it was done while he was out to sea, or while I was at work. Now, he truly believes he is an alcoholic...and I hate to say this because I know it isn't the right way to think, but I feel like he has drunk the AA koolaid. I don't know who this man is. I don't know how to anticipate his reactions. This anger and vindictiveness is something I've never seen from him. He tells me that he is just reconnecting with his feelings since he hasn't "felt anything since he was a teenager." To which our teenage daughter promptly asked "So you don't know if you love us?" He hemmed and hawed his way through an answer that basically ended up saying "oh I'm sure I do, I just don't know how to feel it." He attends meeting everynight, sometimes twice a night. And it isn't just the hourly meeting, it is the meeting before the meeting, the coffee/dinner after the meeting. I feel like AA is taking over our lives. I read the big book, and I got angry. Angry because I didn't see that side of my husband, so I can't relate. Angry because the book seems to be filled with a whole lot of excuses as to why he drank, and why he will be so mean and ugly during the early part of the recovery. He keeps telling me "They say I will be angry", "They say I will be extremely tired", But nothing about accountability. And when I ask him about his accountability, he just reminds me that this is a disease and I shouldn't hold him accountable. That I wouldn't hold one of my pt's accountable if they were sick. But in a way I would. If a diabetic came in with a really high blood sugar I would talk to them about how they were managing their disease and how they got to the point they were at and how to prevent it from happening again. I appreciate that he has recognized that he will be mean and angry, but doesn't he also have a responsibility to stop himself from spewing the mean and awful things he says? I just get so angry and frustrated. He then goes into "Just tell me what you need from me" and I tell him, sometimes I yell it, sometimes I am calm, sometimes I am crying...but before I can even finish he is telling me how I just need to learn to "Let it go" Right now, I hate that friggin statement.
He tells me that the only way I can understand what he is going through is to go to alanon. That once I start working my own program he and I can begin to reconnect. I have the utmost respect for alanon...but I don't want to be told that I have to go. I have thoroughly squashed all of my icky feelings from my single mother's alcoholism and drug addiction. I don't know if I want to go dredging that up. I told him that and now all I hear is how I am afraid to confront my own problems. Well you know what? I am afraid. He is off "finding himself", telling me that he doesn't have 'the energy" to clean around the house or pick up after himself and our daughter needs a parent around. He told me that he didn't feel that he should make our daughter's lunch anymore because that was enabling her, and how would she learn to function as an adult. Come on! I mean, I would love the opportunity to take 4 months off from work and seriously deal with just me. (okay, maybe I wouldn't...that could be quite scary!) But I work 60-72 hours a week to try and dig us out of this hole that we have created over the years. (The military doesn't pay overtime, so that leaves me.) I don't like working like this, but we created this mess, and we have to dig ourselves out. As weak as this sounds, I don't know if I have enough time to focus on just me right now. I would yell at a pt that told me that...and logically I know it's wrong. But it is also where we are right now. I work twelve hour nights, and as of right now I haven't been able to find a meeting that isn't mid day (when I am sleeping) or after 630 when I am already at work. Searching for alternatives is how I ended up here.
I appreciate the opportunity to put some of it out there. I know this is quite lengthy and infused with quite a bit of babble...
Any advice, suggestions, or anything else will be greatly appreciated.
I am brand new to this site, and this entire recovery life style. I am lost in my marriage and I feel like I just need to type it all out to help me organize it in my brain, as well as, hopefully get some clarification on life. So here goes...
My hubby and I have been married for 17 years. we have a 16 year old daughter. He is active duty military, I am an ER nurse that works nights. Throughout our marriage we have had several deployments and have probably spent more than half of our marriage separated from each other due to the military.
Fast forward to 6 months ago. I was cleaning when I found the vodka bottle empty. I knew that I hadn't drank it, and my husband didn't drink "hard" alcohol (or so I thought), I accused our teeanger of drinking it. She of course denied it, and the next day my husband admitted to drinking it. He told me that he would occasionally have a shot here or there to help him sleep. I told him that I was worried, with his family history of alcoholism, that he should think about not drinking anymore....
2 weeks later he mentioned to someone at work that he feels like he might be drinking too much. The military promptly evaluated him and diagnosed him as alcoholic and sent him to outpt rehab and AA. He hasn't had a drink since Sept 10th. He "graduated" from rehab in Dec, and is back at work.
Our marriage is a wreck. It wasn't that great before, but now it feels even worse. We fight constantly, he tells me that I am not supportive of his program. The only thing ever discussed in this house is sobriety and his nightly meetings.
First off, I don't even know if I believe he is an alcoholic. When this first all came about and I questioned whether he was an alcoholic he told me that I just wasn't aware of all of the drinking because most of it was done while he was out to sea, or while I was at work. Now, he truly believes he is an alcoholic...and I hate to say this because I know it isn't the right way to think, but I feel like he has drunk the AA koolaid. I don't know who this man is. I don't know how to anticipate his reactions. This anger and vindictiveness is something I've never seen from him. He tells me that he is just reconnecting with his feelings since he hasn't "felt anything since he was a teenager." To which our teenage daughter promptly asked "So you don't know if you love us?" He hemmed and hawed his way through an answer that basically ended up saying "oh I'm sure I do, I just don't know how to feel it." He attends meeting everynight, sometimes twice a night. And it isn't just the hourly meeting, it is the meeting before the meeting, the coffee/dinner after the meeting. I feel like AA is taking over our lives. I read the big book, and I got angry. Angry because I didn't see that side of my husband, so I can't relate. Angry because the book seems to be filled with a whole lot of excuses as to why he drank, and why he will be so mean and ugly during the early part of the recovery. He keeps telling me "They say I will be angry", "They say I will be extremely tired", But nothing about accountability. And when I ask him about his accountability, he just reminds me that this is a disease and I shouldn't hold him accountable. That I wouldn't hold one of my pt's accountable if they were sick. But in a way I would. If a diabetic came in with a really high blood sugar I would talk to them about how they were managing their disease and how they got to the point they were at and how to prevent it from happening again. I appreciate that he has recognized that he will be mean and angry, but doesn't he also have a responsibility to stop himself from spewing the mean and awful things he says? I just get so angry and frustrated. He then goes into "Just tell me what you need from me" and I tell him, sometimes I yell it, sometimes I am calm, sometimes I am crying...but before I can even finish he is telling me how I just need to learn to "Let it go" Right now, I hate that friggin statement.
He tells me that the only way I can understand what he is going through is to go to alanon. That once I start working my own program he and I can begin to reconnect. I have the utmost respect for alanon...but I don't want to be told that I have to go. I have thoroughly squashed all of my icky feelings from my single mother's alcoholism and drug addiction. I don't know if I want to go dredging that up. I told him that and now all I hear is how I am afraid to confront my own problems. Well you know what? I am afraid. He is off "finding himself", telling me that he doesn't have 'the energy" to clean around the house or pick up after himself and our daughter needs a parent around. He told me that he didn't feel that he should make our daughter's lunch anymore because that was enabling her, and how would she learn to function as an adult. Come on! I mean, I would love the opportunity to take 4 months off from work and seriously deal with just me. (okay, maybe I wouldn't...that could be quite scary!) But I work 60-72 hours a week to try and dig us out of this hole that we have created over the years. (The military doesn't pay overtime, so that leaves me.) I don't like working like this, but we created this mess, and we have to dig ourselves out. As weak as this sounds, I don't know if I have enough time to focus on just me right now. I would yell at a pt that told me that...and logically I know it's wrong. But it is also where we are right now. I work twelve hour nights, and as of right now I haven't been able to find a meeting that isn't mid day (when I am sleeping) or after 630 when I am already at work. Searching for alternatives is how I ended up here.
I appreciate the opportunity to put some of it out there. I know this is quite lengthy and infused with quite a bit of babble...
Any advice, suggestions, or anything else will be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Can I recomend Al-Anon? I'm sorry that the program he went to didn't recomend it to you. They did for my husband. He didn't go, but I did (I grew up with an Alcoholic father and a Co-Dependent mother). I am the alcoholic in the family but grew up with one. It has opened up my eyes and I can see how to step back and let others deal with their issues while I get healthy (alcoholism and co-dependency).
The military also offers some awesome help with alcoholism, including the family members. I don't know how much you know about the programs out there but I would be willing to share with you what we found when I went to get help. I was amazed at how much help there was/is for my family. My oldest daughter is in counseling now and so am I. I found an excellent addictionologist through my rehab and the insurance pays for my visits even after I "graduated" from the program.
Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place to get information and to share with others.
I assume your husband is in the Navy when you are talking about ships. We are Coast Guard here in Alaska.
The military also offers some awesome help with alcoholism, including the family members. I don't know how much you know about the programs out there but I would be willing to share with you what we found when I went to get help. I was amazed at how much help there was/is for my family. My oldest daughter is in counseling now and so am I. I found an excellent addictionologist through my rehab and the insurance pays for my visits even after I "graduated" from the program.
Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place to get information and to share with others.
I assume your husband is in the Navy when you are talking about ships. We are Coast Guard here in Alaska.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome Taffyrn.
So much going on isn't there!? I'm glad you have found SR. I hope that you will find support advice and help here for what is happening in your life, I found this place very helpful to me.
I think the first thing to talk about is how you feel about your husbands ''alcoholism''. You are struggling to believe and accept this. I can understand that. It is a disease that has some bad lables attached to it, and you also touched on your mother's addictions. I should imagine that allowing your husband to be an alcoholic would reconnect you to that past which you have tried hard to leave behind. It may be that your husband was very good at hiding this problem from you. A's usually are very good at keeping it a secret and maintaining the appreance of normality and functionality. They often feel shame over their problem. So he may be right to say 'i am an alcoholic' but for you to be in the dark about it.
The important thing is that he believes he has a problem and he is seeking help for it. Whether you personally adopt this belief yourself or not.
I have alcoholism in my family history too. I found that when I began to wake up to my partners addiction and began to think about my life, I realised just how much the alcoholism in my family had effected me. I am not an alcoholic but all the same I have been affected by the addicted personalities in my family, and the mixed up messages and ways of living I was taught. It is for me, the reason why I ended up with an A. In some ways, his behaviour re created the dynamics I was used to at home. I was not aware I was seeking it out, but subconsciously, I did.
Some of what you partner says has its wisdom, going to al-anon would allow you the space to vent about him, learn about how alcoholism is a family disease and how you can weather this storm in your house, should you choose to. But you are also right - he does need to take accountability for his actions, and being 'ill' with alcoholism does not exclude him from his duties of being a parent, care giver, husband etc.
I think it possible that because he is new to all that AA teaches and the 12 steps they work through there to become healthy again, that he has not fully versed in the lessons and is getting mixed up somewhat. As he stays there and as he works the steps with his sponsor he will begin to understand and take responsibility. Right now, it is possible he is only working on the early steps (accepting that he has no control over his drinking and his life has become unmanageable).
His programme is very important to him right now. For any recovering alcoholic, meetings, pre meetings, hob nobbing with other members etc is a vital part of getting better and he does need that.
Right now, I do agree that you could use some time for yourself. This is all taking it's toll on you and you are tired, fed up and angry. Which is all understandable and normal! I have never been to alanon. This board was my meeting place and there is always someone here all day every day.
Please read through the posts and through the stickies (parmanent posts) at the top of the forum. I hope you keep posting and reaching out for support for you! Plus if your daughter wants, we have had teenagers here before too, and they also have ala teen meetings.
Lots of love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So much going on isn't there!? I'm glad you have found SR. I hope that you will find support advice and help here for what is happening in your life, I found this place very helpful to me.
I think the first thing to talk about is how you feel about your husbands ''alcoholism''. You are struggling to believe and accept this. I can understand that. It is a disease that has some bad lables attached to it, and you also touched on your mother's addictions. I should imagine that allowing your husband to be an alcoholic would reconnect you to that past which you have tried hard to leave behind. It may be that your husband was very good at hiding this problem from you. A's usually are very good at keeping it a secret and maintaining the appreance of normality and functionality. They often feel shame over their problem. So he may be right to say 'i am an alcoholic' but for you to be in the dark about it.
The important thing is that he believes he has a problem and he is seeking help for it. Whether you personally adopt this belief yourself or not.
I have alcoholism in my family history too. I found that when I began to wake up to my partners addiction and began to think about my life, I realised just how much the alcoholism in my family had effected me. I am not an alcoholic but all the same I have been affected by the addicted personalities in my family, and the mixed up messages and ways of living I was taught. It is for me, the reason why I ended up with an A. In some ways, his behaviour re created the dynamics I was used to at home. I was not aware I was seeking it out, but subconsciously, I did.
Some of what you partner says has its wisdom, going to al-anon would allow you the space to vent about him, learn about how alcoholism is a family disease and how you can weather this storm in your house, should you choose to. But you are also right - he does need to take accountability for his actions, and being 'ill' with alcoholism does not exclude him from his duties of being a parent, care giver, husband etc.
I think it possible that because he is new to all that AA teaches and the 12 steps they work through there to become healthy again, that he has not fully versed in the lessons and is getting mixed up somewhat. As he stays there and as he works the steps with his sponsor he will begin to understand and take responsibility. Right now, it is possible he is only working on the early steps (accepting that he has no control over his drinking and his life has become unmanageable).
His programme is very important to him right now. For any recovering alcoholic, meetings, pre meetings, hob nobbing with other members etc is a vital part of getting better and he does need that.
Right now, I do agree that you could use some time for yourself. This is all taking it's toll on you and you are tired, fed up and angry. Which is all understandable and normal! I have never been to alanon. This board was my meeting place and there is always someone here all day every day.
Please read through the posts and through the stickies (parmanent posts) at the top of the forum. I hope you keep posting and reaching out for support for you! Plus if your daughter wants, we have had teenagers here before too, and they also have ala teen meetings.
Lots of love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by taffyrn 
And when I ask him about his accountability, he just reminds me that this is a disease and I shouldn't hold him accountable. .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Taffryn, welcome.
You'll get a lot of pieces of insight here and I'd encourage you to MAKE the time to really work on what you want, and what your own personal boundaries are (i.e. how you're going to accept being spoken to, who has what responsibility in the home, etc.). Even if it's just buying a half-hour a day where you close the door and journal, I'm feeling like it's important to straighten out all of the strange gray area that is being created in your lives by his recovery program.
Whether or not you believe he needs AA, HE believes he needs it and it's become important to him. That doesn't mean he gets to run roughshod over your feelings, or give away his responsibility for HIS part of your problems. Part of your frustration may be that you feel like this whole mess is completely out of your control - I know that when I don't have a handle on my options, I'm a wreck. Starting to get it down on paper can start to separate the strands of this tangle and maybe make it clearer what you want to do. Even something as simple as establishing a stiffer budget or consolidating debts can reduce the need for you to work 72 hrs a week, for example, which may clear some mindspace to make calmer choices.
Stick around, read around, consider some personal counseling to start putting all of this into columns and rows for YOU (yes, there's that phrase). That might be the best way to determine what you do, and don't, want to do for your marriage.
Wishing you luck, strength, patience, clarity, and firmness to start rebuilding the life you want, whatever shape that takes.
You'll get a lot of pieces of insight here and I'd encourage you to MAKE the time to really work on what you want, and what your own personal boundaries are (i.e. how you're going to accept being spoken to, who has what responsibility in the home, etc.). Even if it's just buying a half-hour a day where you close the door and journal, I'm feeling like it's important to straighten out all of the strange gray area that is being created in your lives by his recovery program.
Whether or not you believe he needs AA, HE believes he needs it and it's become important to him. That doesn't mean he gets to run roughshod over your feelings, or give away his responsibility for HIS part of your problems. Part of your frustration may be that you feel like this whole mess is completely out of your control - I know that when I don't have a handle on my options, I'm a wreck. Starting to get it down on paper can start to separate the strands of this tangle and maybe make it clearer what you want to do. Even something as simple as establishing a stiffer budget or consolidating debts can reduce the need for you to work 72 hrs a week, for example, which may clear some mindspace to make calmer choices.
Stick around, read around, consider some personal counseling to start putting all of this into columns and rows for YOU (yes, there's that phrase). That might be the best way to determine what you do, and don't, want to do for your marriage.
Wishing you luck, strength, patience, clarity, and firmness to start rebuilding the life you want, whatever shape that takes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
