Caught him Cheating Again ... Is this Progression?
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Caught him Cheating Again ... Is this Progression?
Well - it's not the first time and it IS with the same woman, who is also an alcoholic. He'd sworn up and down that he wasn't interested in her at all and he'd been drunk, etc. It's sure easy to blame alcohol for everything that goes wrong - isn't it?
Anyway - we'd split for a time when he met her and that would have been legit, except he hung onto me (his enabler) the whole time, and I couldn't really get rid of him completely because we owned a house together (I know not an excuse - but I needed him to be on board to at least try to help me sell, and he spent a lot of time trying to talk me out of it - which meant that I didn't get his support).
Found out that when I was getting together with a friend on Friday night - he decided to go out to the country to visit friends overnight. Well - he never left the city and spent all night until 4 the next afternoon with her. He's such a good liar that his lies were down to the last minute detail, but he'd left the computer on his mail passed out and I saw a message from her, which read that she was confused because he's told her that he loves her and was supposed to call her on Sunday, which he didn't and she knows NOTHING about me (he's such a good liar). He's been stringing her down the garden path as well ... but always blames his actions on the alcohol.
I freaked on him. It was the last straw. I woke him up out of a sound drunken sleep to confront him and he was still lying, even though I had the evidence, calling me insane, etc. I didn't sleep all night and today told him that was it! I wanted him out or I was leaving - although neither of us have anywhere to go, so it was moot. I was adamant though and held my ground. I told him never to touch me again, etc.
THEN - HE WENT TO REGISTER FOR REHAB TODAY - for the very first time. He's NEVER sought ANY help in all of the 13 years we've been together, although I've given him the information many times. He has an appointment for an assessment in a couple of weeks and is on call if there is a cancelation sooner. He said they told him I could join him for the consultation. Honestly, I told him that I wasn't sure I even cared enough to help with that and at the time I said it, I really meant it (but I feel myself softening a little).
Obviously, it took THIS nasty incident to happen in order for me to react firmly, and his worry of finally losing me for him to take the step. It's a HUGE step in the right direction (especially for the man who said he NEVER needed help with anything), but I'm feeling - too little - too late.
There is ZERO, ZILCH, NADA trust here. I wanted so badly to ditch him, and yet here I am just going with the flow ... I wish I had the courage of my convictions! Why should I have to put up with the abuse a second longer? He pleaded with me to give him 6 months.
Anyway - we'd split for a time when he met her and that would have been legit, except he hung onto me (his enabler) the whole time, and I couldn't really get rid of him completely because we owned a house together (I know not an excuse - but I needed him to be on board to at least try to help me sell, and he spent a lot of time trying to talk me out of it - which meant that I didn't get his support).
Found out that when I was getting together with a friend on Friday night - he decided to go out to the country to visit friends overnight. Well - he never left the city and spent all night until 4 the next afternoon with her. He's such a good liar that his lies were down to the last minute detail, but he'd left the computer on his mail passed out and I saw a message from her, which read that she was confused because he's told her that he loves her and was supposed to call her on Sunday, which he didn't and she knows NOTHING about me (he's such a good liar). He's been stringing her down the garden path as well ... but always blames his actions on the alcohol.
I freaked on him. It was the last straw. I woke him up out of a sound drunken sleep to confront him and he was still lying, even though I had the evidence, calling me insane, etc. I didn't sleep all night and today told him that was it! I wanted him out or I was leaving - although neither of us have anywhere to go, so it was moot. I was adamant though and held my ground. I told him never to touch me again, etc.
THEN - HE WENT TO REGISTER FOR REHAB TODAY - for the very first time. He's NEVER sought ANY help in all of the 13 years we've been together, although I've given him the information many times. He has an appointment for an assessment in a couple of weeks and is on call if there is a cancelation sooner. He said they told him I could join him for the consultation. Honestly, I told him that I wasn't sure I even cared enough to help with that and at the time I said it, I really meant it (but I feel myself softening a little).
Obviously, it took THIS nasty incident to happen in order for me to react firmly, and his worry of finally losing me for him to take the step. It's a HUGE step in the right direction (especially for the man who said he NEVER needed help with anything), but I'm feeling - too little - too late.
There is ZERO, ZILCH, NADA trust here. I wanted so badly to ditch him, and yet here I am just going with the flow ... I wish I had the courage of my convictions! Why should I have to put up with the abuse a second longer? He pleaded with me to give him 6 months.
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Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed 
Why should I have to put up with the abuse a second longer? He pleaded with me to give him 6 months.
You can give him 6 months, a year, or however long you choose. But you can do it from a distance. It's been said here countless times, "actions, not words."
He can blame the cheating on his drinking, but there are plenty of people who cheat on their partners and never drink at all. Alcohol consumption can losen inhibitions, but alcoholism and infidelity are not contingent upon each other.
Since you do not trust this man at all, perhaps that could be your best motivator to stand firm in your convictions. Trust takes a long time to build, and can be destroyed in a New York minute.
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What do you think is the more likely scenario:
1) He called rehab to buy himself more time, hoping that you'll cool down in a couple of days (which you've done previously) and give him yet another chance?
2) He just happened to come to his senses today on his own, after 13 years of doing nothing, and has suddenly decided to change his life?
You asked if repeatedly cheating on you is a sign of progression? Does it really matter? Do you deserve a partner who cheats on you? As far as I can tell, my alcoholic boyfriend never cheated on me in the 24 years we were together.
1) He called rehab to buy himself more time, hoping that you'll cool down in a couple of days (which you've done previously) and give him yet another chance?
2) He just happened to come to his senses today on his own, after 13 years of doing nothing, and has suddenly decided to change his life?
You asked if repeatedly cheating on you is a sign of progression? Does it really matter? Do you deserve a partner who cheats on you? As far as I can tell, my alcoholic boyfriend never cheated on me in the 24 years we were together.
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Rather than progression, dazed, this appears to be his character now.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. When I was cheated on, i could never again forget how effortlessly he lied right to my face. For a long time. I tried counseling, forgiveness, etc., but I could never get the trust back again, and I'll be damned if I'll be with a partner I can't trust.
It might not be a dealbreaker for you -- but please take care of yourself. You have a choice here.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. When I was cheated on, i could never again forget how effortlessly he lied right to my face. For a long time. I tried counseling, forgiveness, etc., but I could never get the trust back again, and I'll be damned if I'll be with a partner I can't trust.
It might not be a dealbreaker for you -- but please take care of yourself. You have a choice here.
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My Friend had a similar situation to yours re her ah's cheating, for the 3rd time. Each time he was "caught out" and she called time out, he also "suddenly" needed to head for the help she had begged him to get for years. I asked if she was going to stay with him thru rehab and recovery this time , and she said, " NO. St Paul only fell off his donkey once and got the message, and Des keeps falling but doesn't listen to the message, I am thru". I thought she was a bit hard on him, but he later told me that he only went thru the motions to keep her in line.
Friend is fine, happily remarried. Des drove drunk 3 years ago, and hit a car killing a young just married couple and he is a quad now in a home and all alone. He still blames her for leaving him and "making" him stay drinking and thus she caused the accident and the deaths. He is sober, angry, bitter and still hasn't got the message.
Friend is fine, happily remarried. Des drove drunk 3 years ago, and hit a car killing a young just married couple and he is a quad now in a home and all alone. He still blames her for leaving him and "making" him stay drinking and thus she caused the accident and the deaths. He is sober, angry, bitter and still hasn't got the message.
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I never thought my AH would ever cheat on me, but he did. According to him all those nights he was sleeping on her couch???? Acadamy award time. I with Former Doormat as well. Which do you think is the mostly likely answer?
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Thanks ...
Thanks for all the amazing and heartfelt feedback from all of you.
Still Waters - don't worry - I can handle anything you throw at me. I should have been gone YEARS ago, when he kept threatening to kill our puppy, because she was peeing on the carpet. I have no excuse for having remained so long, other than that I must have gotten caught up in the 'perks' an enabler gets, when they threaten to leave ... and eventually becoming so depleted by the extreme personality changes, that I became 'paralyzed' and in denial of the severity of the situation.
When I used to have healthy boundaries, cheating was a dealbreaker. The problem with having been with an alcoholic is that the changes in personality and actions were so drastic that I got confused about who I was dealing with. I caught him and my sister (who was also an alcoholic) all over each other one night and I thought THAT was the end for me. He was remorseful and she had been falling down (she was so drunk) and both of them were so far gone they didn't even know I was in the room, until I made my presence known. Neither of them could even focus on me, or realize that something was wrong, until I started yelling. I found that an easier thing to forgive, regardless of whether I should have or not. I DID LOSE IT AT THE TIME and he was on his best behavior for some time after that (but of course it didn't last). But it did kill more feelings and trust within me, and made me become more hypervigilant.
Anyway - he actually went into the rehab facility and filled out the forms to register (not just a phone call). I'm not jumping for joy that the nightmare is finally over. I'm pensive and do not believe anything until I see it. And if he does get better and healthy, the only benefit for me may be that he'll get on board toward getting our house ready to sell, so that I can get out of this nightmare once and for all ...
Still Waters - don't worry - I can handle anything you throw at me. I should have been gone YEARS ago, when he kept threatening to kill our puppy, because she was peeing on the carpet. I have no excuse for having remained so long, other than that I must have gotten caught up in the 'perks' an enabler gets, when they threaten to leave ... and eventually becoming so depleted by the extreme personality changes, that I became 'paralyzed' and in denial of the severity of the situation.
Originally Posted by embraced2000
what is the deal breaker for you, dazed?
Anyway - he actually went into the rehab facility and filled out the forms to register (not just a phone call). I'm not jumping for joy that the nightmare is finally over. I'm pensive and do not believe anything until I see it. And if he does get better and healthy, the only benefit for me may be that he'll get on board toward getting our house ready to sell, so that I can get out of this nightmare once and for all ...
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I'll never understand this, probably because I am a man?!
My Dad drunk for the world and had numerous affairs on my Mum and she still did not kick his ass to the kerb until i was 16! Please no-one go anywhere near the stay together for the kids rubbish;-)
I agree with tommyk, so what time is he going to the meeting TODAY, and what time tomorrow and the next day. Have you seen the list of ways he is going to avoid drinking? Ordered self help books from amazon, gone to the local library? On SR? etc etc.
Hope you end up doing what is right for you:-)
My Dad drunk for the world and had numerous affairs on my Mum and she still did not kick his ass to the kerb until i was 16! Please no-one go anywhere near the stay together for the kids rubbish;-)
I agree with tommyk, so what time is he going to the meeting TODAY, and what time tomorrow and the next day. Have you seen the list of ways he is going to avoid drinking? Ordered self help books from amazon, gone to the local library? On SR? etc etc.
Hope you end up doing what is right for you:-)
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Don't really know what to add, Dazed. You are the only one who knows your own bottom line. Have you reached it? Are you going to go back for more abuse, more cheating...? Or are you going to stand up for yourself and do something good for yourself? I'm praying for your health and safety....:praying
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THEN - HE WENT TO REGISTER FOR REHAB TODAY - for the very first time. He's NEVER sought ANY help in all of the 13 years we've been together, although I've given him the information many times
This disease is a nasty one. Along with it comes cheating, (believe me I never thought mine would cheat on me either) lying (and good I might add), manipulating (sp), and I am sure others can add so many others.
This post reminded me of myself. I never left my RAH. Should I have? YES! Do I regret not leaving him? SOMETIMES. Life was hell & sometimes even in recovery it's still hell.
I live a lonely life to this day. He has mental & physical problems that don't allow us to be able to enjoy life as we should. He spends most of his waking hours in bed. This is a choice I have made for now, however I know that it's my choice and I can change it at anytime.
Good luck, one thing that was pounded into my brain by my sponsors. "Insiders wear blinders, where outsiders don't".
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I lowered my bar of standards so badly with my EXAH, including him having multiple affairs, that no one could limbo under that one.
Today I refuse to sell myself short.
Thank you for reminding me how far I have come.
Today I refuse to sell myself short.
Thank you for reminding me how far I have come.
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dazed,
I used to think cheating was a deal breaker. . . until it happened to me. That was 10 years ago. How did I lose myself? How did I allow myself- a strong, beautiful woman- to be treated the way I was treated? I tried to forgive him, tried counseling, tried to move on, but I could not get it out of my head. Fast forward and 16 months ago I found out STBXAH had done the very same thing again with a co-worker. That was my bottom. I had finally had it after putting up with lying, hiding, drinking and all of the chaos that goes with it. Thank God that on some level I still had that strong woman inside me who had enough sense to finally say ENOUGH!
Sometimes I look back and wish I had thrown him out 10 years ago, but I wasn't ready to learn the lessons I am now learning. How and why did I put up with such an arrogant, lazy, abusive, mean man? It makes me cringe now, because I know I deserve so much more, but I have to be compassionate with myself. I can't change the past. I can only change what is here before me now, and I am choosing to live my life for me. I will never, ever tolerate abuse in my life- and this time I mean it. There is no point being involved with someone you can't trust.
The problem with having been with an alcoholic is that the changes in personality and actions were so drastic that I got confused about who I was dealing with.
I hate the alcohol excuse. Bad behavior is bad behavior- I don't care if you are drunk or you woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I hope you will take some time to step back and look at what you are putting up with dazed. Have you been tested for STDs? Please take care of yourself. ((()))
I used to think cheating was a deal breaker. . . until it happened to me. That was 10 years ago. How did I lose myself? How did I allow myself- a strong, beautiful woman- to be treated the way I was treated? I tried to forgive him, tried counseling, tried to move on, but I could not get it out of my head. Fast forward and 16 months ago I found out STBXAH had done the very same thing again with a co-worker. That was my bottom. I had finally had it after putting up with lying, hiding, drinking and all of the chaos that goes with it. Thank God that on some level I still had that strong woman inside me who had enough sense to finally say ENOUGH!
Sometimes I look back and wish I had thrown him out 10 years ago, but I wasn't ready to learn the lessons I am now learning. How and why did I put up with such an arrogant, lazy, abusive, mean man? It makes me cringe now, because I know I deserve so much more, but I have to be compassionate with myself. I can't change the past. I can only change what is here before me now, and I am choosing to live my life for me. I will never, ever tolerate abuse in my life- and this time I mean it. There is no point being involved with someone you can't trust.
The problem with having been with an alcoholic is that the changes in personality and actions were so drastic that I got confused about who I was dealing with.
I hate the alcohol excuse. Bad behavior is bad behavior- I don't care if you are drunk or you woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I hope you will take some time to step back and look at what you are putting up with dazed. Have you been tested for STDs? Please take care of yourself. ((()))
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Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed
When I used to have healthy boundaries, cheating was a dealbreaker. The problem with having been with an alcoholic is that the changes in personality and actions were so drastic that I got confused about who I was dealing with.
Isn't that kinda like saying "if I hadn't been drinking, I wouldn't have cheated" ?
FWIW, I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years, and as far as I know, he never cheated. Alcoholism and infidelity are two separate things. Just like alcoholism and abuse are two separate things. So, do you really believe that rehab is going to make him into an honorable, trustworthy, faithful partner?
L
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I'm pensive and do not believe anything until I see it.
With all due respect, dazed, you didn't see it last time, because he hid it.
From this vantage point, it appears you have lowered the bar so far that your self-esteem has gone to floor-level with it. Pretty much, all he has to do to keep you is maintain a pulse and not kill anyone. You sound like a good person, so all of this makes me sad.
I hope that you awaken one day and realize that sobriety is not going to make him the kind of man you can trust, and that you just might be short-changing yourself here. But it is all up to you -- just know that life is much, much bigger than this.
p.s. - if someone threatened to kill my puppy I would rip out his small intestine and strangle him with it. but that's just me.
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Hi dazedandconfused
I wish I had a lot of answers for you and wisdom (like many others do, here) but I wanted to tell you I feel for you and I feel reflected in what you have posted here...
It is sad for me realizing how low my bar has been with guys in general but it is also my job to raise it to my own level and do not accept less in a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship. Remember that a partner is there to uplift you, never to make you feel less than what you are.
Please try to protect yourself first and foremost.
All the best to you and may the HP give you clarity in your journey
I wish I had a lot of answers for you and wisdom (like many others do, here) but I wanted to tell you I feel for you and I feel reflected in what you have posted here...
It is sad for me realizing how low my bar has been with guys in general but it is also my job to raise it to my own level and do not accept less in a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship. Remember that a partner is there to uplift you, never to make you feel less than what you are.
Please try to protect yourself first and foremost.
All the best to you and may the HP give you clarity in your journey
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 01-06-2009 at 02:03 PM.
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Thanks to all of you ...
Honestly GiveLove - when he threatened to kill my puppy saying a bullet only cost 22 cents, something in me died, because he convinced me to stay. He backhanded her across the room (she only weighed 5 pounds) and I flipped. I threatened to leave then - 2 years into the relationship, and he backed off. I wouldn't let him near the dog and stood my ground on that one. I've protected my wonderful and precious dog for 11 years from him, far more than I've protected myself (obviously). I gave him an ultimatum then - and he adhered to it. He wasn't allowed to touch her and although he taunted her sometimes - liked to play mind control games with her when he was drunk, just to get a rise out of her which I also stopped as soon as he started -he never laid a hand on her again.
I know there is no excuse for staying in the abuse but he had as great qualities when he was sober, as he did horrendous behavior when he was drunk. I believe this caused me to split, too, because my bottom lines just kept getting lower and I stopped believing in myself. I chose to believe that only Dr. Jekyll was the only person I was dealing with, while Mr. Hyde was slowly poisoning me.
Now - I'm happy to be here with all of you. You're my sanctuary and I know you will keep me on the right track. I need reality checks - constantly. Thanks to all of you for making me face Mr. Hyde and not allow me to let Dr. Jekyll pull the wool over my eyes. Right now he is very much in that mode and I understand why I give in. The promises of a better future are pouring out of his mouth as I write this - and he lies there drunk and almost passed out. He says he's so sorry for what he did, but I've told him that he's just so sorry he got caught.
He will do and say anything to keep his enabler - and my only plan right now is to get him sober so that I CAN leave. So, since I have the upper hand right now, I'm alluding to leaving if he doesn't go for help and I've never done this before. I've printed out the list of meetings in the city and told him to pick one for tomorrow night.
After all - if a person does get sober and healthy, why would they want the doormat enabler any longer anyway? That may sound twisted, but it's the only way I feel he'll ever let me go ... and I WANT HIM TO LET ME GO! I want out - without the war that he's threatened me I will have. I want HIM to leave me and I can't deal with whatever war he has planned (but I do understand that is the drunk talking - who will do whatever he needs to keep his enabler). I don't have the strength for that war right now. If anyone here thinks that I do (when I barely have the energy to make it through a day and am in constant pain) and I would be the one who had to get this huge house ready to sell, while he tripped me up at every turn - please tell me how you think I could.
Thanks again to all of you for being here for me.
I know there is no excuse for staying in the abuse but he had as great qualities when he was sober, as he did horrendous behavior when he was drunk. I believe this caused me to split, too, because my bottom lines just kept getting lower and I stopped believing in myself. I chose to believe that only Dr. Jekyll was the only person I was dealing with, while Mr. Hyde was slowly poisoning me.
Now - I'm happy to be here with all of you. You're my sanctuary and I know you will keep me on the right track. I need reality checks - constantly. Thanks to all of you for making me face Mr. Hyde and not allow me to let Dr. Jekyll pull the wool over my eyes. Right now he is very much in that mode and I understand why I give in. The promises of a better future are pouring out of his mouth as I write this - and he lies there drunk and almost passed out. He says he's so sorry for what he did, but I've told him that he's just so sorry he got caught.
He will do and say anything to keep his enabler - and my only plan right now is to get him sober so that I CAN leave. So, since I have the upper hand right now, I'm alluding to leaving if he doesn't go for help and I've never done this before. I've printed out the list of meetings in the city and told him to pick one for tomorrow night.
After all - if a person does get sober and healthy, why would they want the doormat enabler any longer anyway? That may sound twisted, but it's the only way I feel he'll ever let me go ... and I WANT HIM TO LET ME GO! I want out - without the war that he's threatened me I will have. I want HIM to leave me and I can't deal with whatever war he has planned (but I do understand that is the drunk talking - who will do whatever he needs to keep his enabler). I don't have the strength for that war right now. If anyone here thinks that I do (when I barely have the energy to make it through a day and am in constant pain) and I would be the one who had to get this huge house ready to sell, while he tripped me up at every turn - please tell me how you think I could.
Thanks again to all of you for being here for me.
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