I can't believe ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,202
I can't believe ...
I just can't believe my mother has chosen booze over the relationship she and I shared so dear...... it's a rock to my world... .... this will be a sad christmas.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Paulos,
Please know this is not a reflection of her love for you or lack of love --- she is simply an alcoholic, and the compulsion to drink is very, very powerful on a biochemical level, overpowering common sense and ordinary (beautiful) emotion.
I'm sorry you are facing this -- are you getting any help face-to-face to help you deal with the chaos and irrationality of alcoholism?
Hugs,
GL
Please know this is not a reflection of her love for you or lack of love --- she is simply an alcoholic, and the compulsion to drink is very, very powerful on a biochemical level, overpowering common sense and ordinary (beautiful) emotion.
I'm sorry you are facing this -- are you getting any help face-to-face to help you deal with the chaos and irrationality of alcoholism?
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Whoville (with Horton)
Posts: 121
Paulos, No that is not correct... Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine - alcohol is NOT from the devil... However the compulsion to over-use and the temptation to abuse is more then likely satan's whisperings...
Darl - what is the current situation with your mum - what is she really lashing out at? It is unlikely to be just alcohol, have you changed in ways she doesnt like as you recover? Have you begun to be more assertive in your dislike of alcohol, are you maybe being too passionate on a total abstinence rule for "everybody", not just yourself ? When you are recovering from alcohol abuse... I think its extra hard to extract yourself from alcoholic parents... But just because you are recovering, hmmmm, You mum would need to know she has a problem herself...not you putting one on her...
Sometimes you can be slightly over zealous hun... maybe you mum is reacting to that??? Maybe have a talk to her about how you can compromise?
But, Its sucks to have family issues at Christmas... Luvvies
Darl - what is the current situation with your mum - what is she really lashing out at? It is unlikely to be just alcohol, have you changed in ways she doesnt like as you recover? Have you begun to be more assertive in your dislike of alcohol, are you maybe being too passionate on a total abstinence rule for "everybody", not just yourself ? When you are recovering from alcohol abuse... I think its extra hard to extract yourself from alcoholic parents... But just because you are recovering, hmmmm, You mum would need to know she has a problem herself...not you putting one on her...
Sometimes you can be slightly over zealous hun... maybe you mum is reacting to that??? Maybe have a talk to her about how you can compromise?
But, Its sucks to have family issues at Christmas... Luvvies
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
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No she claims she's proud of me she just doesn't like that I care about her when she overdrinks because I'm worried about her and how since I post here she got so crazy and mad about it last night it was like a wild person I had only seen once from her before, booze is always involved... jeez. No compromise, she has control of everything and I'm just a bum in the house in the long run, that's how she makes me feel to be honest so... 
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Paulos))
I hate that you are hurt by this. The way that alcoholism has affected my loved ones hurts me too.
Remember - it's really not about YOU - it's about the battles they fight internally. Several recovering A's have shared with me that most of those things said during active drinking were meant more at themselves rather than at their loved ones.
Just because someone says it doesn't make it truth!
You can focus on you and on the Next Right Thing for you in your recovery path - this way your side of the street is clean.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
I hate that you are hurt by this. The way that alcoholism has affected my loved ones hurts me too.
Remember - it's really not about YOU - it's about the battles they fight internally. Several recovering A's have shared with me that most of those things said during active drinking were meant more at themselves rather than at their loved ones.
Just because someone says it doesn't make it truth!
You can focus on you and on the Next Right Thing for you in your recovery path - this way your side of the street is clean.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Whoville (with Horton)
Posts: 121
Awww, Sorry to hear that Paulos, you don't need that abuse to batter your already damaged self esteem. I agree with post above, when actively drinking, people say things and behave in manners that dont relect thier true heart - Im sure your mum doesn't mean to make you feel rejected, bad or like a "bum". I also daresay you have taken it to heart and remember it more clearly then she does...
Im all out of ideas, Just stand firm in the truth you know - which is that you are a great, giving person and your doing the best you are capable of one day at a time. You can't do any more then your best...
Luvvies,
Gert.
Im all out of ideas, Just stand firm in the truth you know - which is that you are a great, giving person and your doing the best you are capable of one day at a time. You can't do any more then your best...
Luvvies,
Gert.
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Thank you Rita/Gert... It's just ... the bottom line is survival skill wise I am a loser with it and I am under her thumb in the long run since I have no life of my own... talk about a pathetic situation for a man eh?... sigh.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by Paulos 
Thank you Rita/Gert... It's just ... the bottom line is survival skill wise I am a loser with it and I am under her thumb in the long run since I have no life of my own... talk about a pathetic situation for a man eh?... sigh.
We have been in your position. Maybe the circumstances are different, but the meaning is the same. We ALL have allowed ourselves to have no life of our own due to the alcoholic. You are not a loser with survival skills..skills are like tools. What kind of tools do you have in your tool box. You won't drive a nail into the wall with a sponge, and you won't be able to combat your anxiety with some current coping skills that you have. The good news is you can acquire these skills like acquiring tools.
Yes, your living situation may make her an active part of your life but that doesn't mean you need to be under her thumb...whether you must live with her or not. Have you tried Al Anon? If you are not a meeting face to face type person, then Al Anon has Lone Member Services, online forums, and so on.
You did not cause this disease. You cannot control this disease and you can't cure it. You can change you then, and you can. I hear a sensitive caring man who is looking for some serenity. You deserve this, and it can be obtained whether your mother is drinking or not. This is requires work on our part, and I have thought that it would be easier to try to fix the alcoholic. I can't.
Al Anon will teach you these skills, help you find serenity, and learn detachment so you can enjoy your mother and remove yourself from her disease.
I am praying for you friend!
Silver
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello there Paulos, and please to "meet" you.
Take a little time to read thru the "stickies" at the top of this forum. You will see that the program of recovery we use to deal with relatives or parents that are alcoholic is very, very different from the program of recovery when the addict / alkie is _us_. Most of the skills and lessons from AA / NA and such don't apply. We have concepts such as "Detachment" that don't even exist in AA/NA. The AA concept of "Abstinence" doesn't exist over here in Friends and Family land.
You _can_ recover from the harm caused _to_ you by an alcoholic or addict the way so many of us have. Give yourself a little slack and see if you can approach recovery here the way a "newcomer" would. Start by reading up on all the literature, and by listening carefuly to what the more experienced folks have done in their lives.
Keep your recovery from drugs / booze separate from recovery from parents until you get your "black belt" in _both_, otherwise it's really easy to scramble them up and make a mess of things.
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Take a little time to read thru the "stickies" at the top of this forum. You will see that the program of recovery we use to deal with relatives or parents that are alcoholic is very, very different from the program of recovery when the addict / alkie is _us_. Most of the skills and lessons from AA / NA and such don't apply. We have concepts such as "Detachment" that don't even exist in AA/NA. The AA concept of "Abstinence" doesn't exist over here in Friends and Family land.
You _can_ recover from the harm caused _to_ you by an alcoholic or addict the way so many of us have. Give yourself a little slack and see if you can approach recovery here the way a "newcomer" would. Start by reading up on all the literature, and by listening carefuly to what the more experienced folks have done in their lives.
Keep your recovery from drugs / booze separate from recovery from parents until you get your "black belt" in _both_, otherwise it's really easy to scramble them up and make a mess of things.
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
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