weepy

I've posted a little bit and done a ton of reading on this site, which has helped me tremendously. My ups are a little more everyday and the downs a little less, but I'm starting to really accept that what I had hoped for is finally over. Was supposed to get married this coming Saturday, but that's not happening, probably thankfully so. Yesterday was my first conversation with him and I was just looking to see if he was hurting as much as me. I think he is, as he sent a follow up email saying our convo was the highlight of his day. I just can't help but think that if he truly meant that, he'd figure out a way to keep me in his life. Guess that's not the addict way, huh? Anyway, I've spent all day just telling myself that our relationship is not truly what he wants and probably never was. It's just a hard pill to swallow. And I don't want to lose the closeness we had. While he is an alcoholic, he is underneath it all a very sweet man who I still love dearly. But can't be with.

Has anyone else been able to maintain a friendship with their exes? Or is that just another way of holding out for hope?

bearfeet

I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you do. I can identify with you completely. It's been over 3 months since he left and it's only in the last month that I have allowed myself to start believing the dream is over, it still sometimes catches me unawares now and I literally feel my throat tighten in shock.

I tried to maintain a friendship and we have a beautiful 1 year old girl together but I know deep down 'friendship' in my terms meant him wanting to change and come back to me, so the longer I dragged out the process the more hurt I felt.

Lot's of people here have very wise words and good advice on how to manage, I didn't believe that my Ups would eventually outweigh my downs and was dreading Christmas alone, but they do and it's true that once you start to look after yourself there really is a much better side to life.

Don't get me wrong I still have awful, sad and terrifying moments of missing him but in my case keeping a 'friendship' only made those moments happen more frequently....

Lots of hugs.

Chrysalis123

Oh Weepy, I'm sorry you are going through this. :ghug You have found a great place here. Please fell free to post all you want.

I have been divorced for 6 months from my Alcoholic husband. We had been together 20 years. I wish I had the courage to walk away back then because the signs were there..actually many red flags were a flying. I just choose to deny. I could get a PHD in denial and after lots of therapy, lots of Alanon, and posting here I am slowing discovering who I am again. Maybe what you're experiencing is a gift? Anyway, even though this is so painful it will be a gift of time for you to be able to watch the behavior more than the words to begin to see what is going on. Hugs to you.

As for maintaining a friendship with my X...not there yet because he still an active alcoholic, manipulative, and furious with me for the divorce. We have 2 kids so contact is limited to email. I tried in the beginning to be the sweet caring x-wife....didn't work and I kept getting hooked and kept falling right back into my own addiction to him. So for now I keep my distance, keep my sanity, and most important of all I am at peace with it.

GrowingPains

We separated in September and signed the divorce paperwork last week after a 13 year relationship.

So far, we've been able to maintain a cordial relationship, although it's not terribly intimate. Although I don't see us as being each other's best friends, I hope we can remain peaceful towards one another. I'm not sure whether or not emotions will flare when we're opening dating other people, though.

prodigal

To reply in reverse, no I was not able to maintain a friendship with my exAH. My take on it was if we were friends, there wouldn't have been "Mistress Alcohol" taking front seat over me. The manipulation, turning tables, lies, projecting, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse pretty much made it a done-deal when I walked.

Didn't learn my lesson - currently married to another A - and I can tell you that as the disease progresses, the person I loved was drowned out by the booze. There's nothing left to love. That man died and it doesn't appear he's coming back. So for me, there is no friendship now, so there won't be one in the future.

Losing spouses, losing children, losing jobs, losing sanity, losing friends .... it doesn't matter to an active A unless the A decides to seek serious recovery. We have no control over their choices. Yes, I held out hope for quite awhile that my AH would have that ah-ha moment and see how destructive the drinking was and is.

The greatest ah-ha moment of my life came when I realized that nothing at this point - even my leaving - would make him get sober.

I'm sorry for your breakup, but the pain of living with an alcoholic can be far worse than the pain of living without one. I married two A's and from my own experience, I can attest to the fact that it is pretty doggone awful for all concerned.

weepy

Thanks all. I think for me it's just very helpful to read other people's experiences with their relationships and to pound into my own head that I could be headed down a more serious road than the one I just took an exit from. So it doesn't hurt any less, but I can justify to myself that it's the right thing to do. So thank you.

Barbara52

I do not want to be xAH's friend. Even if he ever manages to find his way to sobriety, I want nothing further to do with him. I wish him well, I hope he gets sober, I hope he has a great life. But I do not want even a teeny piece of the craziness that is his life.

steve11694

I tried the friendship thing but it evolved into me becoming the "caretaker"

As much as you love an addict, they're true love is the substance. My pre-alcoholic wife was a credible lovely person and when she said she loved me it was without strings attached. The alcoholic wife using the "love" word was about manipulation and support for drinking.

Rainbowsend

I tried the friendship thing for a short while. Didn't work, he felt there was still hope and used it to continue trying to manipulate. Everyone is different but for me, no contact was the only way to go.