My Sister called me today
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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My Sister called me today
For the first time in years.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have minimal contact with my oldest AD. Her two children, my grandchildren, were her best pawns that kept me sucked in for a long time. Thankfully she lost custody of them a few years ago.
She's the one who always calls me, and 99% of the time, she wants something. She never comes right and out and says it, but the conversation always gets there.
She doesn't get squat from me. No money, no rides, no nothing. Nada, zilch, zippo.
The last time she called was just to let me know my grandson had a part in the church Christmas play over the weekend (she does have them on the weekends) and she was inviting me. That is the ONLY time I can ever remember her calling and not wanting something.
You say in the end you really didn't need those tools? Personally dealing with her wouldn't be worth getting them back if it were me.
I can't be used if I don't allow myself to be used. End of story.
She's the one who always calls me, and 99% of the time, she wants something. She never comes right and out and says it, but the conversation always gets there.
She doesn't get squat from me. No money, no rides, no nothing. Nada, zilch, zippo.
The last time she called was just to let me know my grandson had a part in the church Christmas play over the weekend (she does have them on the weekends) and she was inviting me. That is the ONLY time I can ever remember her calling and not wanting something.
You say in the end you really didn't need those tools? Personally dealing with her wouldn't be worth getting them back if it were me.
I can't be used if I don't allow myself to be used. End of story.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I agree w/ Chrysalis & w/ Freedom.--
If you're boiling right now and you feel used then just call her and say No and forego your tools.
Or try (not easy) to separate your present decision from her past behavior.
Do you want to loan her the gennie?
Tell her she can come pick it up at X o'clock and please bring your tools!
Peace-
B.
If you're boiling right now and you feel used then just call her and say No and forego your tools.
Or try (not easy) to separate your present decision from her past behavior.
Do you want to loan her the gennie?
Tell her she can come pick it up at X o'clock and please bring your tools!
Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
It won't be a "loan" she will never return it, she will use it until it dies that's a "given" it will be a $1500 "gift"
By the way, thanks guys, and good point freedom, I didn't get resentful at her, I got resentful at me for getting "suckered" so easily.
I have said to anyone that asks why I don't want any contact with "those people" that I am afraid to hear a knock at the door, and when I "open the door", they will "climb through the window" and that is exactly what took place this morning on the phone.
Now I just need to decide whether to "close the window" and I want to make a "wise minded" decision on whether to bring her the generator and if not, not have it be a "kneejerk reaction".
By the way, thanks guys, and good point freedom, I didn't get resentful at her, I got resentful at me for getting "suckered" so easily.
I have said to anyone that asks why I don't want any contact with "those people" that I am afraid to hear a knock at the door, and when I "open the door", they will "climb through the window" and that is exactly what took place this morning on the phone.
Now I just need to decide whether to "close the window" and I want to make a "wise minded" decision on whether to bring her the generator and if not, not have it be a "kneejerk reaction".
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
[QUOTE=Ago;2026689]It won't be a "loan" she will never return it, she will use it until it dies that's a "given" it will be a $1500 "gift"[/QUOTE
Well, I kind of gathered that would be the case from your first post.
'No' is a complete sentence, Andrew.
Well, I kind of gathered that would be the case from your first post.
'No' is a complete sentence, Andrew.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Oh.
They so often need help. And I want to help. So I do. And then they don't appreciate it. And then I get resentful about the lack of appreciation. And then I get angry at myself. And then they get angry. And then I feel sorry. And then they need help.
Repeat.
I'm working on stopping the cycle at the "And I want to help" stage.
I very often want to "help" in the broad sense of the word, but I overlook the details involved.
Do you want to drive to get the generator for her?
Do you want to give her this $1500 gift?
Can you give these gifts of time and money without any expectation that they will be appreciated or returned?
If you can, great.
If you can't, welcome to the club!
Sometimes I can give freely, beautifully, selflessly.
Sometimes not.
Trying to force it puts me in a pickle.
Sometimes I want relationships with people who can give to me, as well.
-TC
P.S. What's up with the niece situation, Ago?
I couldn't get a good sense of what you're dealing with there. Missing her? Resenting her? Worried about her? Angry at yourself?
They so often need help. And I want to help. So I do. And then they don't appreciate it. And then I get resentful about the lack of appreciation. And then I get angry at myself. And then they get angry. And then I feel sorry. And then they need help.
Repeat.
I'm working on stopping the cycle at the "And I want to help" stage.
I very often want to "help" in the broad sense of the word, but I overlook the details involved.
Do you want to drive to get the generator for her?
Do you want to give her this $1500 gift?
Can you give these gifts of time and money without any expectation that they will be appreciated or returned?
If you can, great.
If you can't, welcome to the club!
Sometimes I can give freely, beautifully, selflessly.
Sometimes not.
Trying to force it puts me in a pickle.
Sometimes I want relationships with people who can give to me, as well.
-TC
P.S. What's up with the niece situation, Ago?
I couldn't get a good sense of what you're dealing with there. Missing her? Resenting her? Worried about her? Angry at yourself?
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Thank you, yeah not sure what I am going to do yet, am going to wait, and "sit with it" until 1:30 when I call my sister but am leaning towards "no" as I don't think I will be able to give her the generator without resentment, but I will see, I also don't want to deny her something something she needs just based on my own petulance, I need to really kind of relax, take it easy, and allow the right answer to come.
The "Niece situation" is a bit too large of a "mouthful" for me to "bite off" right now.
I only two hours ago realized I had "taken distance" from her as a defense mechanism in order to protect me from her mother using her to manipulate me, I am truly the "designated" "Father Figure" for her, and have played the role of "Knight in Shining Armor" for my sister and Family for the last 20 years, I am the closest thing my Family *had* to a Patriarch (prior to moving up there three years ago) so the truth is I need to "do" some fairly "deep work" around all of this. I need to decide whether I will be able to be "just uncle" to my niece or if I need to continue to "take distance" from my family in order to "protect myself" so I don't get drawn back into the KISAS Role (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome)
I was absolutely amazed at how fast that took place this morning, that within five minutes on the phone I am offering up expensive pieces of machinery to give my sister for free...that's what frightens me about these folks, they are GOOD at manipulation and getting what they want from me, I need to get GOOD at setting my boundaries and protecting myself, I am just not quite sure what that will look like right now, whether I will be able to keep my niece in my life or whether she comes with a price tag that I am not willing to pay.
This is no small decision, and I am not making this decision lightly, my niece is an autistic 4 year old without a single healthy role model, I will need some serious step work around this and in all probability some therapy in order to make a "wise minded" decision around my niece.
She is a blameless child that I love very dearly.....I'm not sure quite what to do right now, I am NOT her father but my entire family has leaned on me to BE her father (figure), it's my KISAS Role in the family system.
I just don't know how to participate in my "family system" without getting sucked back in as the KISAS.
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
What's up with the niece situation, Ago?
I couldn't get a good sense of what you're dealing with there. Missing her? Resenting her? Worried about her? Angry at yourself?
I couldn't get a good sense of what you're dealing with there. Missing her? Resenting her? Worried about her? Angry at yourself?
I only two hours ago realized I had "taken distance" from her as a defense mechanism in order to protect me from her mother using her to manipulate me, I am truly the "designated" "Father Figure" for her, and have played the role of "Knight in Shining Armor" for my sister and Family for the last 20 years, I am the closest thing my Family *had* to a Patriarch (prior to moving up there three years ago) so the truth is I need to "do" some fairly "deep work" around all of this. I need to decide whether I will be able to be "just uncle" to my niece or if I need to continue to "take distance" from my family in order to "protect myself" so I don't get drawn back into the KISAS Role (Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome)
I was absolutely amazed at how fast that took place this morning, that within five minutes on the phone I am offering up expensive pieces of machinery to give my sister for free...that's what frightens me about these folks, they are GOOD at manipulation and getting what they want from me, I need to get GOOD at setting my boundaries and protecting myself, I am just not quite sure what that will look like right now, whether I will be able to keep my niece in my life or whether she comes with a price tag that I am not willing to pay.
This is no small decision, and I am not making this decision lightly, my niece is an autistic 4 year old without a single healthy role model, I will need some serious step work around this and in all probability some therapy in order to make a "wise minded" decision around my niece.
She is a blameless child that I love very dearly.....I'm not sure quite what to do right now, I am NOT her father but my entire family has leaned on me to BE her father (figure), it's my KISAS Role in the family system.
I just don't know how to participate in my "family system" without getting sucked back in as the KISAS.
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Andrew,
Logical brain sez: Talk to sister, tell you can't make it after all, but if she wants generator she is welcome to come get it, and for giving it to her she needs to bring your tools. You know she likely won't, as that does not fit her m.o. So sell generator, buy yourself NEW tools, and let this go for now. Worry about niece some time when the tenderness in your heart has been restored.
Emotional brain sez: Hugs to Andrew to do whatever he thinks is best, thinking maybe a 24-hour cooling-out period might be in order here? Hugs again.
GL is having one of those days too. I have a faraway family that expects much but reciprocates not at all, and it's coming to a head today. I'm doing a sort of walking meditation while I bake mexican chocolate cookies for my mentally ******** older brother, praying I can get a handle on things.
Hope you can too, but whatever happens, to thine own self be true, bro.
Love,
GL
p.s. -- remember that 'giving away generator' isn't something that will help your niece right now. Step work around the true issue = great idea imho. All in it's proper time. Breathe.
Logical brain sez: Talk to sister, tell you can't make it after all, but if she wants generator she is welcome to come get it, and for giving it to her she needs to bring your tools. You know she likely won't, as that does not fit her m.o. So sell generator, buy yourself NEW tools, and let this go for now. Worry about niece some time when the tenderness in your heart has been restored.
Emotional brain sez: Hugs to Andrew to do whatever he thinks is best, thinking maybe a 24-hour cooling-out period might be in order here? Hugs again.
GL is having one of those days too. I have a faraway family that expects much but reciprocates not at all, and it's coming to a head today. I'm doing a sort of walking meditation while I bake mexican chocolate cookies for my mentally ******** older brother, praying I can get a handle on things.
Hope you can too, but whatever happens, to thine own self be true, bro.
Love,
GL
p.s. -- remember that 'giving away generator' isn't something that will help your niece right now. Step work around the true issue = great idea imho. All in it's proper time. Breathe.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Andrew,
Logical brain sez: Talk to sister, tell you can't make it after all, but if she wants generator she is welcome to come get it, and for giving it to her she needs to bring your tools. You know she likely won't, as that does not fit her m.o. So sell generator, buy yourself NEW tools, and let this go for now.
Logical brain sez: Talk to sister, tell you can't make it after all, but if she wants generator she is welcome to come get it, and for giving it to her she needs to bring your tools. You know she likely won't, as that does not fit her m.o. So sell generator, buy yourself NEW tools, and let this go for now.
Thanks again
and /hugs to you as well M
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OK
I just got off the phone with my sister a few minutes ago...
beginning to breathe again....
It was terrible, I am physically nauseous
I told her I needed to rethink "gifting" her the generator as it happened so fast I was saying "yes" before I had thought it through, and the truth of the matter was I think I wanted to keep it since generators are handy to have when the power goes out.
She said, "But I need it!"
I said, "I realize that, but I need it as well, I may not use it daily, but it's a valuable piece of equipment that I will have a need for."
She said, "well you can just go buy one for $200"
I was beginning to get irritated by this time, and I said, "No, YOU can just go buy one for $200 then"
She said, "But I want THAT one, it's nice!"
I said, "I don't NEED a generator, you do, I have one, this is MY generator, I'm not going to give you mine and then go buy one, if you want one, go buy one!"
we went around a few more times until I ended the phone call fairly abruptly.
I held my ground, the phone call ended amicably enough on the surface, but I was shaking and physically sick to my stomach.
It was awful...it was horrible.
I immediately made some phone calls to "my peoples" in order to get some clarity and get that foul taste out of my mouth, and then I'm posting here...I'm beginning to feel better now as I type.
Dealing with her and 4 other people just like her on a daily basis for 3 years? No wonder I was so messed up...this feels SICK thank GOD I don't have this in my life on a daily basis anymore...ewwwww
I have to say though, this gave me permission to be a bit more gentle with myself, and not beat myself up for getting so "sick" while I was up there, I mean I was having physical as well as emotional turmoil before, during and after this conversation, I mean if I felt like this all day every day for three years (which I did between her, my mother, my uncle and my relationship) how could I not get sick, it felt like I was just dipped in a vat of someone's vile and spew you know?
It's not "normal" anymore, remember that thread, "what is normal to you" well dealing with foul addicted grasping self centered people isn't "normal any more, and the truth is, it's pretty F'ing uncomfortable.
Everyone....all together...repeat after freedom1990
NO DAMMIT!
I just got off the phone with my sister a few minutes ago...
beginning to breathe again....
It was terrible, I am physically nauseous
I told her I needed to rethink "gifting" her the generator as it happened so fast I was saying "yes" before I had thought it through, and the truth of the matter was I think I wanted to keep it since generators are handy to have when the power goes out.
She said, "But I need it!"
I said, "I realize that, but I need it as well, I may not use it daily, but it's a valuable piece of equipment that I will have a need for."
She said, "well you can just go buy one for $200"
I was beginning to get irritated by this time, and I said, "No, YOU can just go buy one for $200 then"
She said, "But I want THAT one, it's nice!"
I said, "I don't NEED a generator, you do, I have one, this is MY generator, I'm not going to give you mine and then go buy one, if you want one, go buy one!"
we went around a few more times until I ended the phone call fairly abruptly.
I held my ground, the phone call ended amicably enough on the surface, but I was shaking and physically sick to my stomach.
It was awful...it was horrible.
I immediately made some phone calls to "my peoples" in order to get some clarity and get that foul taste out of my mouth, and then I'm posting here...I'm beginning to feel better now as I type.
Dealing with her and 4 other people just like her on a daily basis for 3 years? No wonder I was so messed up...this feels SICK thank GOD I don't have this in my life on a daily basis anymore...ewwwww
I have to say though, this gave me permission to be a bit more gentle with myself, and not beat myself up for getting so "sick" while I was up there, I mean I was having physical as well as emotional turmoil before, during and after this conversation, I mean if I felt like this all day every day for three years (which I did between her, my mother, my uncle and my relationship) how could I not get sick, it felt like I was just dipped in a vat of someone's vile and spew you know?
It's not "normal" anymore, remember that thread, "what is normal to you" well dealing with foul addicted grasping self centered people isn't "normal any more, and the truth is, it's pretty F'ing uncomfortable.
Everyone....all together...repeat after freedom1990
NO DAMMIT!
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Originally Posted by Ago
NO DAMMIT!
Now that's REALLY a complete sentence
Close your eyes, ten deep breaths, let your shoulders fall, let your chin sink down onto your chest.
It's done. You done good.
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