Do they all stick their heads in the sand? Now wants my help...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Something else that popped into my head today was that I engaged in rescuing behavior far too easily over the years to avoid issues I still hadn't dealt with, and still wasn't emotionally healthy myself. Just a thought. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
For myself, I am finished with men who don't have the balls to face their problems head on. I am tired of having bigger balls than the man I am with because I face reality and act like an adult.
Next time around, I want a real man. No more babies, no more cowards, no more excuse-makers (your zen-master "i have no control...." addict husband is brilliant in keeping you hooked all these years by espousing "powerlessness" as he hands you the reins to control the careening stagecoach that is the family.
My heart goes out to you because you have high ideals and a good heart. But you need to do what he has been unable to do: face reality and take appropriate action. Some strong advice on boundaries, as you are receiving here, will really help you find the strength you need, so do keep reading, do keep moving forward with action, not just hopes and dreams. You really deserve a better marriage. You really deserve a man.
Next time around, I want a real man. No more babies, no more cowards, no more excuse-makers (your zen-master "i have no control...." addict husband is brilliant in keeping you hooked all these years by espousing "powerlessness" as he hands you the reins to control the careening stagecoach that is the family.
My heart goes out to you because you have high ideals and a good heart. But you need to do what he has been unable to do: face reality and take appropriate action. Some strong advice on boundaries, as you are receiving here, will really help you find the strength you need, so do keep reading, do keep moving forward with action, not just hopes and dreams. You really deserve a better marriage. You really deserve a man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The others have some great comments about looking to your motivations here.
One thing I would add is the possible legal issues if you insert yourself in the situation with a minor who you have no legal connection to. She is 15 and in her parents' care (whether that is sufficient care or not). If she would by chance move in with you, legally you cannot do much for her if it were needed unless you had written permission from her parents to do anything. That would include being able to consult with her doctors, sign papers, etc. Her parent could conceivably sue you for all sorts of things if she were in your care. I would check out those legal angles before even making an offer.
One thing I would add is the possible legal issues if you insert yourself in the situation with a minor who you have no legal connection to. She is 15 and in her parents' care (whether that is sufficient care or not). If she would by chance move in with you, legally you cannot do much for her if it were needed unless you had written permission from her parents to do anything. That would include being able to consult with her doctors, sign papers, etc. Her parent could conceivably sue you for all sorts of things if she were in your care. I would check out those legal angles before even making an offer.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
okay, yes, all good (great) points.
Like I posted previously, my intentions are to give her my love when I see her at Christmas, tell her she can call me anytime, and that I will be praying for her and the baby.
She has become so entrenched in the lifestyle she now lives and it is so polar opposite of the lifestyle my girls and I live that there would be no chance she would come here.
For so long, for so many years, I was the only real parent she had. It is just my fantasy to swoop in and save her, it won't be happening.
It is a complete fantasy that our my husband miraculously gets and stays well, we get back together, are able to actually fix all that went wrong and be totally in love with each other in a healthy relationship, put our family back together, and swoop in "save" my stepdaughter and the baby-on-the- way, and live happily ever after.
Complete fantasy.
Don't worry, I've not lost my grip on the difference between fantasy and reality here.
and yes, I totally recognize the continued manipulation of STBXAH.
Oh, and not to mention my issues with control and saving people.......
Like I posted previously, my intentions are to give her my love when I see her at Christmas, tell her she can call me anytime, and that I will be praying for her and the baby.
She has become so entrenched in the lifestyle she now lives and it is so polar opposite of the lifestyle my girls and I live that there would be no chance she would come here.
For so long, for so many years, I was the only real parent she had. It is just my fantasy to swoop in and save her, it won't be happening.
It is a complete fantasy that our my husband miraculously gets and stays well, we get back together, are able to actually fix all that went wrong and be totally in love with each other in a healthy relationship, put our family back together, and swoop in "save" my stepdaughter and the baby-on-the- way, and live happily ever after.
Complete fantasy.
Don't worry, I've not lost my grip on the difference between fantasy and reality here.
and yes, I totally recognize the continued manipulation of STBXAH.
Oh, and not to mention my issues with control and saving people.......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by strongerwoman 
I totally recognize the continued manipulation of STBXAH.
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