Been a little down and doing some thinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Been a little down and doing some thinking
Been kind of down this past few days. I try to not let things affect me, but the truth is when you're living with things that you feel aren't right, it does affect you.
After me trying to talk to him, then receiving the silent treatment for two days, only to be talked at by a man who'd drank 12 beers w/ your kids at home that he doesn't have a problem and then watching him still give the semi-silent treatment for another week while watching him get drunk two more times..... It gets to you.
Even if he isn't a text book alcoholic there are things that really bother me.
1. To me drunk 4x's in 2wks is too much.
2. Going to town after drinking 5 beers for more beer isn't right.
3. Drinking anything while watching our two kids, one of which is disabled is dangerous.
4. Trying to tell me that I just need to accept him and his drinking in our marriage despite knowing it affects me and our children is wrong.
5. Drinking to get back at me is wrong, especially when the kids are home and they're being affected by it is wrong to me.
He tells me he feels lonely in our relationship, no intimacy. However, after living for SO long 12.5+ years of being constantly forced to take care of the kids, pay the bills, take care of the critters, make my sons doctors appointments that are numerous by the way, cleaning up all his problems when he's been drunk and screwed up something...you learn to take care of things on your own and not rely on anyone else.
Unlearning these things are hard enough, but when the person who wants you to rely on them still sporadically gets drunk it's impossible.
After me trying to talk to him, then receiving the silent treatment for two days, only to be talked at by a man who'd drank 12 beers w/ your kids at home that he doesn't have a problem and then watching him still give the semi-silent treatment for another week while watching him get drunk two more times..... It gets to you.
Even if he isn't a text book alcoholic there are things that really bother me.
1. To me drunk 4x's in 2wks is too much.
2. Going to town after drinking 5 beers for more beer isn't right.
3. Drinking anything while watching our two kids, one of which is disabled is dangerous.
4. Trying to tell me that I just need to accept him and his drinking in our marriage despite knowing it affects me and our children is wrong.
5. Drinking to get back at me is wrong, especially when the kids are home and they're being affected by it is wrong to me.
He tells me he feels lonely in our relationship, no intimacy. However, after living for SO long 12.5+ years of being constantly forced to take care of the kids, pay the bills, take care of the critters, make my sons doctors appointments that are numerous by the way, cleaning up all his problems when he's been drunk and screwed up something...you learn to take care of things on your own and not rely on anyone else.
Unlearning these things are hard enough, but when the person who wants you to rely on them still sporadically gets drunk it's impossible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Inahaze, first of all I'm sorry that you are going thru this. I did the same thing but for over 20 years.
I've learned since leaving my AH that no one "forced" me to stay with him and do everything that I did i.e. work, pay the bills, look after everything. I chose to stay and accept the behavior and his treatment of me. It was my choice.
I've had to take a long and painful look within myself to find out why I allowed this. I'm a much happier and contented person now. I no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me in a shallow way. I don't accept second class behavior.
I've come to the conclusion that I am worth a lot more than what my AH thought I was. I hope you find peace, it's there if you work at it. Good luck, K.
I've learned since leaving my AH that no one "forced" me to stay with him and do everything that I did i.e. work, pay the bills, look after everything. I chose to stay and accept the behavior and his treatment of me. It was my choice.
I've had to take a long and painful look within myself to find out why I allowed this. I'm a much happier and contented person now. I no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me in a shallow way. I don't accept second class behavior.
I've come to the conclusion that I am worth a lot more than what my AH thought I was. I hope you find peace, it's there if you work at it. Good luck, K.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
We've split up so many times that it's crazy. I always come back in hopes that things have changed or at least a start at change but it never happens. On either of our parts. He still drinks when he pleases, I pick up the pieces, take care of the kids, etc...
He suggested I move out for the last time if I can't deal with him as he is with his drinking. He's probably right, even though he was drunk when he said it. I'm always on the fence about divorce simply because I remember the person who was portrayed to me. This other person scares the crap out of me because I never know who I'm going to get. It's like he's two people in one.
I won't do it before Christmas, there's just to much going on. The first of the year I feel is going to bring a lot of changes. I just have to remember to stand my ground, to remember how I've felt, that things never changes they just cycle.
Our situation just feels hopeless.
He suggested I move out for the last time if I can't deal with him as he is with his drinking. He's probably right, even though he was drunk when he said it. I'm always on the fence about divorce simply because I remember the person who was portrayed to me. This other person scares the crap out of me because I never know who I'm going to get. It's like he's two people in one.
I won't do it before Christmas, there's just to much going on. The first of the year I feel is going to bring a lot of changes. I just have to remember to stand my ground, to remember how I've felt, that things never changes they just cycle.
Our situation just feels hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by inahaze 
It gets to you.
Even if he isn't a text book alcoholic there are things that really bother me.
Even if he isn't a text book alcoholic there are things that really bother me.
I think sometimes the alcohol can mask other problems that have nothing to do with it. Today I believe xAH and I would still have issues between us even if he had chosen sobriety. If I'm bothered by something I have every right - and believe I owe it to myself - to try to set it and my life right.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
inahaze,
Nothing, nothing, nothing is hopeless for you.
There may just be some uncomfortable things you have to do to get to the life you want. It is hard to break old, damaging habits, but it is worth it. Many of us have done it and are thriving.
Here's hoping that the new year brings about some much-needed change for you. Staying in a painful situation because of what was, and what might be again some day, is something you might have to decide to let go of.
We'll be here listening.
Nothing, nothing, nothing is hopeless for you.
There may just be some uncomfortable things you have to do to get to the life you want. It is hard to break old, damaging habits, but it is worth it. Many of us have done it and are thriving.
Here's hoping that the new year brings about some much-needed change for you. Staying in a painful situation because of what was, and what might be again some day, is something you might have to decide to let go of.
We'll be here listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I think it's scary to realize how many lives an addiction affects and to think that they don't really care.
It seems like they have to bring everyone down to their level to make them feel better. For mine, anytime that someone has said something regarding his drinking to much, he fires back at them for something that THEY do wrong.
It seems like they have to bring everyone down to their level to make them feel better. For mine, anytime that someone has said something regarding his drinking to much, he fires back at them for something that THEY do wrong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I can't count the number of times I've come here and seen posts that are so familiar. I found it impossible as well to make the changes he wanted while he was still sporadically getting drunk.
I vacillated for years before I finally had enough and asked him to move out, which was last September. It seemed the better my life outside my home became, the less tolerant of his b.s. I became until I finally hit a point of no return.
I vacillated for years before I finally had enough and asked him to move out, which was last September. It seemed the better my life outside my home became, the less tolerant of his b.s. I became until I finally hit a point of no return.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
