"Dealing with Adult problems the only way he knows how"
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
"Dealing with Adult problems the only way he knows how"
That's what my husband told our 20 year old son. (my step son). That's what he said to him when he had a talk with him explaining why he has started drinking again after 3 years.
Great, great role model. I just can't believe it. This is so sad. He is now saying that he wishes he never labeled himself an alcoholic becuase he has thought it through and has sorted it out in his head, and he isn't an alcoholic. He was just very stressed out before and thats why he was drinking so much (18 beers a night) So now, he is stressed out again and that's why he's drinking again. I don't even know what has happened to make him stressed out. I think he's finding stuff to be upset about to justify his actions.
FREAKING nightmare!!! All of this has started again right when my father passed away. I feel selfish because I'm mad that I can't just be upset about losing my father. Now I am trying to sort through what to do in my marriage.
Great, great role model. I just can't believe it. This is so sad. He is now saying that he wishes he never labeled himself an alcoholic becuase he has thought it through and has sorted it out in his head, and he isn't an alcoholic. He was just very stressed out before and thats why he was drinking so much (18 beers a night) So now, he is stressed out again and that's why he's drinking again. I don't even know what has happened to make him stressed out. I think he's finding stuff to be upset about to justify his actions.
FREAKING nightmare!!! All of this has started again right when my father passed away. I feel selfish because I'm mad that I can't just be upset about losing my father. Now I am trying to sort through what to do in my marriage.
Last edited by tiredlady2006; 12-07-2008 at 08:54 PM.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
Sorry to hear that your A has busted......so scary after three years. I have to say that their sense of timing is so predictable. Right when they have the perfect opportunity to make it just a little less lonely for you they go that extra inch to make it desolate.
You have my thoughts tiredlady2006.
You have my thoughts tiredlady2006.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It never ceases to amaze me the way my abf would be in drinking mode, EVERY time there was some event in my life where I needed some support. It was as if he had some sort of mental advance notice of a problem coming my way, because as sure as eggs he'd hit the beer a few days ahead of the s**t hitting the fan.
This has happened when I had heart attack, had surgery, mother broke her hip (at 96), daughter very ill, friend died, etc, the list could go on. During each of these and other events he would be contacting me when drunk, needing "comfort" from me, and if he'd got into trouble, my advice. (Boy, the advice I wanted to give him!!!)
I am so sorry that you are going thru that nightmare all over again, especially as he is in such denial of his disease. That makes it even harder for you to cope with.
This has happened when I had heart attack, had surgery, mother broke her hip (at 96), daughter very ill, friend died, etc, the list could go on. During each of these and other events he would be contacting me when drunk, needing "comfort" from me, and if he'd got into trouble, my advice. (Boy, the advice I wanted to give him!!!)
I am so sorry that you are going thru that nightmare all over again, especially as he is in such denial of his disease. That makes it even harder for you to cope with.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
He's full of excuses,sounds like my AH- just don'tlet his maddness infect you- convince you "maybe he's right"- I have that issue, I have many times begun to think I was the nutty one- because the more he said it- the more i started to believe it- he is good at changing reality- as I guess they all are. My prayers are with you- I know how it feels when the bottoms drops out once again.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
jadmack25-
gotta say,I can relate- every time something serious would happen to me or I would need some support,things with him would blow up.Then It was all about him - he'd say,"you have no idea what I have been through"
memememememe- always
gotta say,I can relate- every time something serious would happen to me or I would need some support,things with him would blow up.Then It was all about him - he'd say,"you have no idea what I have been through"
memememememe- always
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
((((Lady)))) I am sorry to here about your situation.
In my experience, my abf's problems only became my problems when I allowed them to be, and I made the choice to carry his problems within myself. He is an adult and it might be true that this is the only way he knows how to deal with his problems - all alcoholics turn to drink for some reason! Let him deal with his problems and taking loving care of yourself.
I am certain your son knows at 20years, that the way his Dad handles life's problems are not the best way.
Right now you know in your heart where you need to be and what you need to be doing, listen to that and let all else dissolve.
Much love and blessings to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In my experience, my abf's problems only became my problems when I allowed them to be, and I made the choice to carry his problems within myself. He is an adult and it might be true that this is the only way he knows how to deal with his problems - all alcoholics turn to drink for some reason! Let him deal with his problems and taking loving care of yourself.
I am certain your son knows at 20years, that the way his Dad handles life's problems are not the best way.
Right now you know in your heart where you need to be and what you need to be doing, listen to that and let all else dissolve.
Much love and blessings to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
Yeah, its amazing. I wonder what will happen when HIS father passes away, how much worse will it be then? Today I got a call from him, crying (drunk) saying that all women are cheaters and liars and that's why he has a hard time trusting me. That he's thought about hiring a private investigator on me just to make sure I'm not cheating. This was all said, while he was upset, and to explain to me all of the things that go through his head.
I wanted to tell him, "KEEP THEM IN YOUR HEAD" for God's sake. First of all, I have never cheated on him... I don't know how many times I can say that before he'll believe me. He will just never believe me. I feel so sick and tired of being in this situation, but scared to leave at the same time. I say now, that I'm waiting to get through the holidays, but what about after that, I wonder what my excuse will be then. I know.. "I feel bad" . Lame. I'm so mad today.
I wanted to tell him, "KEEP THEM IN YOUR HEAD" for God's sake. First of all, I have never cheated on him... I don't know how many times I can say that before he'll believe me. He will just never believe me. I feel so sick and tired of being in this situation, but scared to leave at the same time. I say now, that I'm waiting to get through the holidays, but what about after that, I wonder what my excuse will be then. I know.. "I feel bad" . Lame. I'm so mad today.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
How to turn it all around when drinking.
Seems they say, "Deny it's my fault and pile the blame on you".
Don't we wish sometimes, that whatever rubbish is whirling around in their heads, would just stay there and be QUIET.
Sorry TL but even if you told him hourly, that you had never cheated on him, I doubt that he would really hear you or believe you.
As for him considering hiring a PI to "check" you out, well if he comes up with that gem again, how about you saying it sounds like a good idea to you.
Tell him that, "You'll just be wasting your money, but I'd rather the money went on the PI than the drink, and you will find out I am innocent of your fantasy accusations, so go for it".
If he doesn't hire one, then you have the opening to tell him to "button it", you don't want to hear this rubbish and if he won't "put up, then please shut-up".
Maybe instead of bearing with his "poor me" remarks and playing along with his blame game, you could see what happens if you stand up and tell him, "enough of this please, it is your problem and not mine. I don't want to hear anymore".
Just a thought, and perhaps you have tried and it didn't work, if so I am sorry.
God bless
Seems they say, "Deny it's my fault and pile the blame on you".
Don't we wish sometimes, that whatever rubbish is whirling around in their heads, would just stay there and be QUIET.
Sorry TL but even if you told him hourly, that you had never cheated on him, I doubt that he would really hear you or believe you.
As for him considering hiring a PI to "check" you out, well if he comes up with that gem again, how about you saying it sounds like a good idea to you.
Tell him that, "You'll just be wasting your money, but I'd rather the money went on the PI than the drink, and you will find out I am innocent of your fantasy accusations, so go for it".
If he doesn't hire one, then you have the opening to tell him to "button it", you don't want to hear this rubbish and if he won't "put up, then please shut-up".
Maybe instead of bearing with his "poor me" remarks and playing along with his blame game, you could see what happens if you stand up and tell him, "enough of this please, it is your problem and not mine. I don't want to hear anymore".
Just a thought, and perhaps you have tried and it didn't work, if so I am sorry.
God bless
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
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the one good thing from your post is the fact that he DID label himself an alcoholic, and that he has had some sober time. I promise you, that sober time and that knowledge (even if only on the inside) can totally ruin drinking for a person.
Its part of the disease of alcoholism to forget the truth, to convince oneself that one was just going thru a phase back in the drinking days, and that this time one will be in control. But it will become very clear to him in time what he is and what he must do.
as that process could be a week or a decade, the only thing for you to do is to try and keep yourself healthy and focus on yourself.
i wish you both well.
Its part of the disease of alcoholism to forget the truth, to convince oneself that one was just going thru a phase back in the drinking days, and that this time one will be in control. But it will become very clear to him in time what he is and what he must do.
as that process could be a week or a decade, the only thing for you to do is to try and keep yourself healthy and focus on yourself.
i wish you both well.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Tired Lady,
I am sorry about your dad.
You have had a lot of stressors coming at the same time. My therapist always suggests that I compartmentalize my emotions to temporarily get through situations in times of stress especially with somehting I cannot control like dealing with an alcoholic.
I haven't successfully done it yet, but that's what he tells me to do.
Although, I do find journaling and making lists helps to get out frustration and filter the madness I am experiencing. Letter writing is also helpful for me, maybe it might work for you too.
I am sorry about your dad.
You have had a lot of stressors coming at the same time. My therapist always suggests that I compartmentalize my emotions to temporarily get through situations in times of stress especially with somehting I cannot control like dealing with an alcoholic.
I haven't successfully done it yet, but that's what he tells me to do.
Although, I do find journaling and making lists helps to get out frustration and filter the madness I am experiencing. Letter writing is also helpful for me, maybe it might work for you too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
that is great advice MissFixit. I have started so many lists and letters only to rip them up or delete them because I'm scared they will be found. It does always make me feel better, its just that he snoops around on me and I am so worried he'll see what I'm really thinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
Tiredlady - I feel your pain ... My father (also an A) passed away just after Christmas 2006 (in fact, we had to take him to the ER on Christmas Day.) When my AH flew out to be with us after he passed, it ended up being all about him. He just couldn't deal with the fact that I needed to spend time focusing on my grief & my family. Instead, he went snooping through my computer while I was gone & found something he thought indicated I was having an affair (totally untrue) & I ended up spending my time reassuring and taking care of HIM! While I've been working hard on letting go of things like this, they do still hurt. Isn't it ironic that the As in our life have no problem being selfish about their wants & needs, and we have such a hard time admitting ours? Guess that's why the dysfunction can work so well for so long...
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((tiredlady2006)))
My stbXAH would wait until the worst times to accuse me of cheating on him too - and I've never been unfaithful to him. So ridiculous and incredibly emotionally draining.
If you're concerned about him snooping and finding your notes and such, maybe you should create an online journal? I've been journalling at LiveJournal.com - Start a Free Blog / Journal Today for some time now. I have it locked down with a password (all through their website), and when I post, I post everything as private journal entries so only I can see them when I log in with my password. Then you wouldn't have to rip up your notes or lists. Just don't write your passwords down anywhere
(((tiredlady2006)))
-JustMe
My stbXAH would wait until the worst times to accuse me of cheating on him too - and I've never been unfaithful to him. So ridiculous and incredibly emotionally draining.
If you're concerned about him snooping and finding your notes and such, maybe you should create an online journal? I've been journalling at LiveJournal.com - Start a Free Blog / Journal Today for some time now. I have it locked down with a password (all through their website), and when I post, I post everything as private journal entries so only I can see them when I log in with my password. Then you wouldn't have to rip up your notes or lists. Just don't write your passwords down anywhere
(((tiredlady2006)))
-JustMe
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
So sorry about your father tiredlady--
you don't need AH's permission to grieve - you are free in this moment...if you want to lock yourself in a closet and cry that's your choice-- his drinking again and trying to keep the spotlight on him is his choice - has nothing to do with you.
You didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
You can you try disenaging when he tries to bait you with accusations of cheating. Can you just leave the room...the house...the county...the state!!!??? ;-)
I know it is so hard..please take care of YOURSELF first.
(((hugs)))
peace-
B.
you don't need AH's permission to grieve - you are free in this moment...if you want to lock yourself in a closet and cry that's your choice-- his drinking again and trying to keep the spotlight on him is his choice - has nothing to do with you.
You didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
You can you try disenaging when he tries to bait you with accusations of cheating. Can you just leave the room...the house...the county...the state!!!??? ;-)
I know it is so hard..please take care of YOURSELF first.
(((hugs)))
peace-
B.
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