NYC_Chick

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I was okay for a while, now I'm a mess again.

My trip went a long way in making things better for me. In many ways, I went through a really positive transformation and got a better sense of what I wanted and needed out of life. I don't know what happened to all of that, but it's gone for now.

I have been crying for a week straight. Work has been busy, so when I can, I close my office door, cry for a while, then try to get on with work. When I get home, I cry myself to sleep, then I wake up with a panic attack. I even cried myself into a sinus infection, so now I'm at home sick with nothing but time to think about all of this.

I miss my ex and I still love him, so I guess some of this has to do with being stuck. I don't know how to completely move forward without him, but I wouldn't know how to move forward with him. I thought I was ready to start dating, but now I'm pretty sure I'm not. I guess part of it is because I can't imagine being in love with anyone else. I guess I just don't know where I would fit with another person. I'm not even sure where I fit in my own life.

I think some of this also has to do with turning a year older soon. I used to think I would be married with kids by now. I'm not at all ready for kids, but still it would be nice to be married. Actually, I would be happy with a healthy relationship. I guess I have to be unstuck to have that. I feel like this sounds pathetic. I've never been one to think a relationship makes me complete. I still don't believe that, so I'm not sure where this is coming from either.

Thanks for reading this all over the place rant : )

Freedom1990

When you said you weren't even sure where you fit in your own life, that really struck a chord with me. :ghug

When I finally made a serious commitment to myself to address my codependency issues, and NOT engage with a man, regardless of the lows in life I might encounter, I started making progress.

You say you can't imagine being in love with anyone else, that you used to think you would be married with kids by now.

I find that living in the moment, and learning to accept myself as I am, at that moment, was a great help in my journey of discovery of self.

When I was finally ready for dating, I can't say the thought popped up that 'Hey, I'm ready for dating!'

Things just worked out that way. I dated a couple of guys casually, neither was a big deal, the second fellow turned out to be very pessimistic and self-centered, and I was glad to call it quits after date #1!

I just see your sense of being 'stuck' as not accepting where you currently are, projecting too much into the future, and getting sidetracked from discovering who you really are.

I don't know if I've made any sense, but I've got 4 days of this college semester left, and my brain cells are smoking!

peaceteach

Prayers that you get through this tough time, NYC chick. The holidays are always hard when we are alone and thinking that others have more of "a life" than we do. Be patient with yourself and loving, and remember that your HP has his own time-table for you. Sending prayers and hugs your way tonight, sweetie.

GiveLove

Hang in there, NYC. I always chose to get a little extra therapy around the holidays. Gahhh, so many triggers :ghug3

FormerDoormat

It's been about a year and a half since Richard's death and more than three years since I ended our relationship, and I still don't feel ready to date anyone. I, too, still can't picture myself loving anyone else or getting intimate with another man. I figure I'm just not ready yet.

Like Freedom says, when the time is right for me, I'll take that step. Until then, I don't measure my progress in how long it takes for me to begin dating again. I don't measure my success or happiness on whether or not I have a ring on my finger. I measure it with my level of serenity.

I'm happy with my life as it is today. Looking back to where it was when I first joined this forum, I've grown by leaps and bounds and I'm infinitely happier and much more successful with my relationships and in my job than I used to be. That's how I measure my progress today.

And who says a woman has to be married to have children? My daughter is 22 and I've never married. Back when I was a young woman (in my early 20's, I told my family that if I never got married that was OK with me, but if I didn't have a husband by the age of 30 I was going to have children as a single woman. I've never regretted that decision.

I've never been one to let what others think of me keep me from living the life I want to live.

Have you tried therapy? That may be some help to you.

ToughChoices

It might be nice to be married.

I'm married. Sometimes it's nice. Sometimes it's not.
It doesn't fix my problems (come to think of it - it's the source of some of them!).

I think that accepting my life circumstances (even when they're NOT what I grew up dreaming about) and working to be pleased and content with where I am right now has, more than any other attitude adjustment, lead me to greater happiness. (Just as a note, I am not talking about accepting abuse or neglect or danger here, I'm talking about accepting the place you find yourself after you have had the "courage to change the things you can.")

Looking to the future for the peace and fulfillment that I seek has yet to bring me anything except disappointment. Living in today brings great joy.

You're young. And single. In an exciting and vibrant city. With an awesome job. And a cool apartment. And lots of shoes.

That sounds like somebody's dream.
Maybe for today, you could make it yours.

Who knows what the future will bring?

Take care - you're in my prayers.
-TC

NYC_Chick

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts!

I've upped my therapy this month already, so I'm off to a good start.

I've started keeping a journal on a more regular basis. I write a lot, but usually just stuff the individual papers in the journal and don't give them a second thought. I was re-reading some of those papers earlier and found something that kind of upset me. Before we broke up, I read "The Secret." I started writing gratitude lists. I made one about my ex on March 21, 2007, four months before I found out that he was drinking a pint of whiskey a night. One of the things I listed as being grateful for about him was that he was a sober person. It's upsetting to me because it's another reminder about how much I didn't know. I guess if I had to think of something more positive about it, it would be that I'm more aware of my own reality now.

I was talking to my therapist last week about how I still feel like my ex and I are a unit. I still feel he is so much a part of me that I don't know what to do about that. If someone says something that reminds me of him, I'll still bring him up in conversation. Of course, my friends are supportive, but sometimes I wonder if they think I'm crazy. I guess I don't know how not be a unit with him. After knowing him for four years, I don't know what that looks like.

I've had this vision several times of him standing on a cliff and me hanging off of it hanging on to the bottom of his pants. My therapist said that if I let go, things will happen as they are supposed to, whether that means he will be in my life or not in the future. She asked me to imagine there is a way off the cliff besides pulling myself up on his pants. I just sat there and cried. I still can't see another way.

I think for now I need to work on being ok with where I am again. Hopefully I can get it back. The holidays and a birthday definitely make that harder.

Thanks again for the support and prayers!

Freedom1990

:ghug :ghug

denny57

(((nyc)))

I've mentioned this before - my therapist calls this regression in service of the ego.

I spent almost 20 years with xAH, a huge part of my life. I think it would be very unnatural to not mention him in conversations. I'd spend so much time editing myself I'd never speak. I think it depends on the context in which he's brought up. There are other people who are no longer in my life and I still refer to them or tell stories of things we did together.

It takes time. Sounds to me you are taking all the right steps. You'll get there.

spda

i understand where you are. i pray that you will find peace, i pray i will find peace.

i just broke up with my ABF 4 days ago. i dont understand a lot-fortunately he is now in recovery. 45 days. he feels like he's in a blur and doesnt remember our love. i still feel and love him. but the strange thing on the other side of this is "i want a future". i want him but the thought of relapse terrifies me. i practice the law of attraction. most things in my life happen. i have decided that i will write my thoughts and gratitude but i will also be specific for me and not anyone else.

i ask myself this in order to find peace...do i want a life of hardship? do i want to feel lonely? do i want the sacrifice that he could be sober for 10 years and we have home, children, the dream and then he falls off the wagon? those are hard factors. i want to believe the dream but is it just a dream? a fantasy? i love him so much-love of my life so i understand how painful this is... i ask everyone around me trying to understand and vent this pain.

hang in there...
i have to trust time...i have to trust the universe or HP will bring me peace of mind. i pray for me to recover from this and i pray that he will never drink again. time will tell.

Pajarito

(((NYC))) I'm sorry you have been struggling. I have moments like that too- days, weeks. . . I find being compassionate with myself at those times is all I can do. For me it means feeling the feelings, talking to a friend or family member, counselor. Progress- not perfection- right? There are days when I wanted to sit on my path and pitch a fit- or curl up in the fetal position. And some days I crawl, but I know I am going to a better place- and the journey is getting clearer.

Hang in there and be comforted in knowing that your feelings will pass. I think it's great you've upped your sessions. This time of year is hard, but it will pass too. Take care. . .

prairiegirl

I just wanted to reach out and tell you I understand because I'm approaching a birthday in a week and then Christmas and it's been very emotional this past week as well. I think alot of the sadness has to do with the season for me anyway. I'm planning to go on a trip to New Zealand to visit my closest friend and this is a something I've wanted to do for years but have never made it there until now. I'm looking forward to getting away from the memories, but you've reminded me that we do come back to our life and we have to keep drawing on all the supports we have.... our friends, Alanon, counselling, books. Maybe just pull out some extra support right now, if you can.

I just finished a crying jag and then I read your post, so it really helps to know we're not alone with our pain. I can't believe that my AH has moved on so quickly and doesn't even attempt to call. It hurts because though I never imagined being alone at this point in my life, I think we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions of the day, if nothing else. It does get a little easier day by day. I think it's always a shock when we've been doing really well and then for some reason, go back to feeling such strong emotion again. A counsellor explained the grief cycle to me and how it can go back and forth between the various stages, so that it feels like we're back at the beginning again. Just trust that you're not. All the progress you have made is still with you. You're just having some sadness because our birthdays signify what we've done in the past year, where we've come to in our lives and where we're going. Applaud yourself for being strong and trust that you will have the life of your dreams - you're just not ready yet.

LaTeeDa

Aw, NYC, FWIW I was married for 18 years and had two children with an alcoholic. I forced my will on life and it didn't turn out too well. I'm learning to accept whatever the universe sends my way, whether it's what I thought I wanted or not. It seems to work out much better that way.

Maybe you don't have to visualize a way off the cliff. Maybe you just need to let go and trust that you will be okay.

Here is one of my favorite quotes on letting go:

L

NYC_Chick

Thanks for all your thoughts!

LDT: You always have a quote that makes me think in a different way! Thank you!

I'm completely sleep deprived at this point. I must have been up every 15 minutes last night between panic and just being sick. Although I've tried to keep things down at work, the partner I work closest with came into my office today and asked if I was ok. He said it wasn't my work, but he could tell I was going through something. He offered to listen if I wanted to talk. Although I could never explain the situation, I thought that it was very nice. I guess that's my wake-up call to pull myself together, at least while I'm in the office.

Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. Thank you all for being here for me. I really appreciate the support : )

Alphawoman

NYC Chick,
Please remember that "this too shall pass." I don't know how long you've been without your A but, you could have been going through the honeymoon phase of having distanced yourself from him and because we are all so used to being there for someone when they're no longer there we feel like we're no longer grounded. I'm learning a lot from going to Al-Anon meetings. I'll only speak for myself being co-dependent and I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to rescuing someone!!!!! I will never attract the positive into my life if I don't seek out healthy relationships and activities. When you are ready your teacher will appear to guide you to the next chapter of your life. What helps me get through a bad time is to take stock of all the things that truly are positive in my life and turn down the volume of what races through my mind. I'm in your corner rooting for you to see your way clearly through this painful time.
Alphawoman

hopeangel

just stopped by to offer my support and prayers. i understand how your feeling. (((hugs))) you'll get through this. your one tough chick!!!

Bernadette

Hiya NYC-- keep at it girl, I think you're biting into some of the deeper issues that make us codies so attractive to alcoholics- like a key in a lock - we have some fixed idea of how things "should be," hanging onto expectations instead of reality - we dangle ourselves over cliffs putting our hearts in real peril and then wonder, "why am I so out of it/upset/tense/stuck?"

In your dream maybe if you let go you will find that you can fly!!!!

Trust the process of life NYC....more will be revealed....
:praying
peace-
B