Osakis

My brother just got out of a 30-day inpatient treatment for chronic alcoholism. It was his third time through rehab. Last time, we got 3 1/2 years of sobriety when he got out. This time ... six days. My situation is this: We are a small family, including myself (age 43), my alcoholic brother (age 52), my sister (age 60) and my widowed mother (age 82). My brother is divorced and ended a long term relationship a few months ago (a factor in his relapse, I believe). Prior to going in for this last treatment, my brother was being helped by a friend, who took him to detox (twice and arranged for him to get back into treatment.

On Monday evening, less than a week after getting out of treatment, my brother bought a bottle. He says he only drank part, and poured the rest of it away. I happened to stop by the morning after and found him talking to a woman he knows who also just got out of treatment and is now living in a sober house about two hours from here. She advised me that he shouldn't be left alone, because of fears of DTs, so I stayed with him Tuesday night and all day yesterday. We spent yesterday making calls to try to get him into psychiatric counseling (depression and anxiety are major factors for him) and trying to get his financial situation sorted out (he lost his job with the last relapse).

His eligibility for financial assistance is jeopardized by the fact that his treatment center recommended he go to a halfway house for three months after his release, and he declined (we didn't know about this recommendation). He still refuses to go to the halfway house they recommended, which is about an hour away, because he feels he needs to try to find employment, as his bills are mounting. We have a local halfway house, but it doesn't have any beds currently available. He feels he can't live alone, and had hoped that the friend who helped him before he went into treatment would move in with him. However, I don't believe that is going to happen, as this person is feeling rather discouraged with Kevin's relapse.

Kevin claims he doesn't plan to use again, but obviously we've heard that before. When asked why he made the decision to buy a bottle, he responds, "I don't know." He seems to have latched on to the idea that he has a psychiatric problem, but while I feel his depression/anxiety are complicating his recovery, I don't think they make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to keep from buying.

In any case, I'm struggling to know what my role is. My mother is falling apart over this, and I feel I need to take care of her right now. On the other hand, I am really the only person left in my brother's life, so I want to be available to help him in his SOBRIETY. I don't want to be involved when he is actively drinking. He's told me he would like to keep in close touch with me on a daily basis. I don't know if he's using me as a crutch - someone to keep him on the straight-and-narrow because he doesn't feel like he can do it himself?

Everything I've read says I shouldn't be helping him, as it's just enabling him to keep from helping himself. But I don't know if that means I shouldn't be available for him to talk to when he's feeling sad or scared or vulnerable? I can't quit my job and move in with him to keep him from going off the rails. I can't be available to drop everything and run to help him when he's having a panic attack or whatever. What CAN I do to keep my own life intact while supporting my brother in his quest for sobriety?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

ToughChoices

I've really stopped worrying about enabling.

I've started asking (with an attempt at total honesty): What do I want to do?

If I ask myself a general question, like, "Do I want to help?" The answer is almost always a resounding "YES!"

But - all that helping can leave me feeling angry and drained.

It's better for me to ask myself specific questions.

Do I want to spend all day on the phone making calls to rehabs? .....No
Do I want to balance someone else's checkbook? ......No
Do I want a relapsing, mentally ill man to live with me? ........No
Do I want to drive my alcoholic to the bar so that he won't drive drunk? .....No
Do I want to drive my alcoholic to an AA meeting tonight? ......Yeah - actually, I wouldn't mind that.

See what I mean? Everyone will have different questions and different answers.
By paying attention to what I really want to do - I take care of myself and keep my "helping" tendencies in check.

Hope that makes sense - I'm glad that you're here!
-TC

Barbara52

From what you've said he has options that will allow him to help himself and he is choosing not to take advantage of those options. Now you want to know if you should step in and rescue him from the consequences of his choices. That is grade A enabling IMO.

If he is serious about recovery, he will do what he needs to do, regardless of what you do or do not do. Personally I would step back and take care of yourself. You support him best from what I understand by letting him be the adult he is and allow him to make it or not on his own. Supporting him does not mean putting yourself in jeopardy in anyway, including the risks that come your way if you drop everything and run to help him. He knows what he needs to do. Let him do it or not all on his own.

cmc

Welcome to SR.

Have you ever attended Al-Anon? It's the best way I know to find support, aside from coming here to SR. The people there understand what it's like. Maybe you, your sister and mother could attend together. There's alot of information in our sticky threads and you will find loads of literature at a meeting.


I'm glad to meet you.

tommyk

Osakis... as simple as this appears: do what you can. But realize he is NOT your responsibility and you cannot CURE him. He has to work through his issues.

Help him when you can, as much as you can. But live your own life.

(Easy for me to say... but remember - you're not alone.)

Barbara52

Why? Is he not an adult responsible for himself and his choices (good or bad)? Is not helping him when he won't help himself enabling?

Osakis

Thanks for the quick responses. I do plan to attend Al-Anon tomorrow (they only seem to meet on Fridays here). I know all my actions regarding my brother are motivated by FEAR: that he will die, that this stress is going to kill my mother, that my bro will feel abandoned and unloved if I step back. I've read all the co-dependency books (I'm a classic case, and my brother knows that). Intellectually it's easy to see why detachment is the best course of action ... but emotionally, it's so hard.

Barbara52

It is indeed hard to detach and end the enabling. Heck, it felt downright wrong to stop enabling at first. But it is the best thing for both of you.

ToughChoices

In my experience as a non-alcoholic - I have nothing valuable to contribute to conversations about another person's alcoholism.
I do not get it.
I don't understand, and I tend to lapse into this advising, lecturing mode that usually results in frustration and anger for both parties.

When I figured out that
1.) My listening wasn't helpful to the A
2.) My listening wasn't helpful to me
it really didn't make sense for me to listen anymore.

Today, if my A wants to talk about his problem, I say that I can't do it.
He knows who can. Your brother's been to rehab. He knows, too.

There are rooms FULL of people who would love to talk to him about alcoholism, help him, even take him out for coffee after the meeting.

I am not anyone's only hope.
Embracing that belief frees me from crushing worry and allows me to step out of the way and let other people take responsibility for their own choices.

cmc

In Al-Anon I learned the difference between enabling somone and offering support. This was something that I had to figure out based on my own personal feelings and level of tolerance. The Al-Anon phrase, "take what you like and leave the rest" helped me to find what would work for me in my situation.

For instance, I kept in touch with my son when he was active and from time to time would take him out for a meal, but I stayed away from doing things for him that he was able to do for himself. I bought him medicine and took him to a doctor when he was injured, but refused to give him money or pay his bills.

A good deal of the things I used to do for him made _me_ feel better and enabled him to continue in his lifestyle, some did not. No matter what I did or didn't do, I learned that I was in no way responsible for his choices.

Barbara52

Excellent points. I cannot be the support system for an alcoholic because I do not understand what they are going thru. I have never been an addict. I can support the efforts from a distance but I can not be the one the A turns to for support. I haven't been there, done that.

Osakis

LOL. Honestly, what I REALLY want to do is run away and hide under a bed someplace for the rest of my life. That doesn't seem to be an option, however. I may look into counseling for myself, though the last time I went to see a psychologist to help me deal with my brother's illness, he was more interested in talking about my sex life. Sheesh.

ToughChoices

I was really frustrated when I first started counseling because my counselor didn't want to hear about my alcoholic husband.

Can you believe that?!
He wanted to talk about me! LOL

Codependency lead me to focus so much on what was going on in other people's lives that I was unable to talk about my own. It was like I didn't have one! I just took care of other people's messes - that WAS my life.

Not anymore!

I'd say, go see the psychologist. Talk about sex, food, your childhood, your dreams, your fears, your dog, whatever. See where you get.

It was hard for me to understand how talking about that stuff would help me deal with my A, but I can attest - it did.
It helped me find me.
That put me in a much better place for dealing with the craziness that occasionally pops up when other people are involved.

GiveLove

Osakis,

A mix of private counseling (to help me sort out my own priorities), Al-Anon, and this place helped me through some very VERY bad times with my alcoholic siblings, and I have come out of it much more able to keep sane and serene.

I had to go through a couple of counselors to find one that was willing to work with me on my issues in a way I felt good about. The one I ended up seeing for a short time was more into cognitive behavior therapy, dealing with WHAT IS, helping with actual day-to-day actions. You may have hit a dud, or he may have just misconstrued what you were saying - either way, you might try again.

Al-Anon was most helpful by providing a face-to-face support group of people facing the same thing I was: Where are my boundaries? How much should I help? How do I keep from going nuts?

Focusing on yourself - rather than constantly focusing on what you can do to protect your brother from the repercussions of his actions -- may bring you the sanity you want. All those things worked for me.

By the way, I wish I had a dollar for every time an alcoholic family member has told me, "I poured it out."

I would take everyone here to Disneyland.

Hugs,
GL

mle-sober

"Why? Is he not an adult responsible for himself and his choices (good or bad)? Is not helping him when he won't help himself enabling? "

Maybe you help when you can (without going to the point of resentment and exhaustion) because you love the person.

My brother is an addict. A very seriously debilitated addict with no interest in helping himself. He leads a pretty grim life. He barely holds a job as a part-time janitor, lives in squaler, has no friends and bases all his opinions on whether or not they support his addiction.

I think of him as mentally ill. What's the difference. He's so sad. I love him though. And when I can help him, I do. Because I love the guy.

It's not like I go out and buy him drugs. Or even do his laundry. (Actually, he lived with us in our basement for 2 years until we finally couldn't handle it anymore and had to ask him to leave.)

But what I can do to help him is show him I love him. I call him sometimes just to see how he's doing. I always have to listen to a long rant but it is worth it. I want him to know I care about him. Sometimes I take him to lunch and we sit and talk. Or mostly I listen to him rant about how drungs should be legal and the system is designed to bring him down. But it's worth it because I want him to feel like someone in this world loves him.

Why should you help an adult who's not helping themselves and who's responsible for his own bad choices? I guess because you love them and you want to show you care.

You can do that without enabling.

GiveLove

I agree, MLE. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from caving in from the grief of losing my siblings is knowing that they always, always knew that I loved them, I was sorry they had this affliction, and was hoping they'd find a way to get better.

I think everybody has to find their own definition of helping, and their own line between helping and enabling, knowing that it may shift as time goes by and the disease progresses. Once I knew better, I didn't enable....they couldn't live with me, I loaned no money, I didn't cover for them, etc.

But I never objected to copying off a list of treatment facility phone numbers, writing a supportive letter, or sending a batch of homemade brownies at Christmas. That to me was helping - on my own terms, by my own definition.

TheQuixotian

For me the more I know or learn about addiction, the more I know that I will never truly understand it. For me definitions are irrelevant. All I know is the person I loved was clearly suffering, even if by choice.

I did not support his addiction but I supported my friend in whatever other way I could so that, although he chose to fight the battle by himself, he knew that someone still believed in him and would be there for him in his darkest hours.

Like GiveLove, sometimes that is the thing that helps me cope with my grief.

I don't think ever letting someone know that you love them and will be there for them can be a bad thing and even small acts of kindness can make a big difference to someoneelse, even with those too proud to admit it.

As for the role of the loved one of the addict, there is always going to be a fine line between trying to help and enabling and everyone is human. In the end, we each have to learn to live with ourselves and our decisions. I would just say continue to try and be as informed about addiction as possible, do not neglect yourself and live your life as best as you can, and be supportive to those you love where you can. I would also say trust your instincts if anything seems off when dealing with addictive behaviour, you may find that they are usually right.

For me, lending a listening ear when someone needs or wants it does not seem like bad thing. With people in general, I may not have gone through nor can truly understand the problems or the situation of another but it doesn't mean I can't be their sounding board if they want to talk about it and I am the person they feel comfortable talking with. Again trust your instrincts if you feel you are getting b.s and where you can recommend that more appropriate help will be in order, then do so.

I hope you are able to find the right balance and peace of mind to cope with what you are going through and that your loved ones find the same.

Q

Bernadette

Hey Oaksis - LOL about wanting to hide under the bed for the rest of your life!

And you really hit the nail on the head about FEAR. It took me a while to get over my fears about my brothers ending up dead from alcohol abuse. AlAnon really helped me deal with that so much by getting me to a place I never would have imagined - where I could accept the things I cannot control, like life and death...it really seemed an impossible thing to me - but acceptance has paved the way for a huge lifting of the burden of fear.

While I agree in theory with what you said MLE and TommyK, in practice I am trying to recover from the grip of sickness called codependency - and just like an alcoholic can never have another drink - I have to be very careful - when taking a sip from the "I'm just helping" cup - that I am not in fact setting myself up for a slide down a slippery slope.

Just like there are normies who can drink and never ever become an acloholic - there are normies who can help other people without it taking over their life or making them forget themselves to the point of insanity - Some of the folks I've met who have been deeply affected by alcoholics (in my case by an alcoholic parent growing up and now by all I have endured w/ 3 alcoholic brothers in varying stages of the disease from active to struggling to recover) are learning to tread very carefully in the "helping" department and for good reason. Our best practices made us sick and lost!! It's serious stuff.

So yes, compassion always - and love can be shared without any damage to myself - I can completely embrace the love love love your loved ones aspect of dealing with an actively addicted loved one - I don't have the luxury (like normies) of NOT questioning my compulsive need to "help."

I can't relate to alcoholism - many who haven't been seriously codependent can't relate to that either - I had people say to me when I was in the depths of misery aching to save and help my brothers - "Just knock it off!" It's about as effective as telling an alcoholic "Just stop drinking!"

Peace-
B.