new to site...need some guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: suffield, ct
Posts: 5
new to site...need some guidance
im a 26 yearold male trying to cope with a 22 yearold ex-girlfriend that has turned to drinking to avoid her problems.
she broke it off with me about 4 months ago. she needed a break.
shes lost in her life, confused, and doesnt seem to want to try and change things at the moment. i love this girl with all my heart and she says she loves me and that she feels i deserve better.
she says shell drag me down. she admitted to going out drinking everynight of the week. shes 22 and might wiegh 100lbs soaking wieght.....she also doesnt eat very well. parties all night, goes home, passes out goes to work hungover until 11 or 12 and then does the same thing the next day. her father whom she moved in with is an alcoholic along with her stepmother. her real mother doesnt drink at all. i dont drink as my father was an alcoholic and i choose not to because of that. where do i start? she has problems in her life that she and only she can change but how do i get her to see this? can i? she doesnt seem to think she has a problem but thats just her denying her problem. im lost. she finally just opened up to me after 4 months of being apart. we talked for acouple hours the other night and this is how i came to find all this out. shes been seeing a therapist for her personal problems and has been diagnosed with somekind of anxiety disorder. he also told her she was an alcoholic and i think that upset her so she doesnt want to go back to him. i dont think her mother knows the extent of her problems. her dad i think just doesnt care that much. he often supports her habits. as a person who loves an alcoholic what do i do? do i talk to the mom? just offer this girl a friend and a place to go if she does want to help herself? i hate that she wont let me into her life and help her but i understand she can only help herself. please give me some advice. this really upsets me to no end.
she broke it off with me about 4 months ago. she needed a break.
shes lost in her life, confused, and doesnt seem to want to try and change things at the moment. i love this girl with all my heart and she says she loves me and that she feels i deserve better.
she says shell drag me down. she admitted to going out drinking everynight of the week. shes 22 and might wiegh 100lbs soaking wieght.....she also doesnt eat very well. parties all night, goes home, passes out goes to work hungover until 11 or 12 and then does the same thing the next day. her father whom she moved in with is an alcoholic along with her stepmother. her real mother doesnt drink at all. i dont drink as my father was an alcoholic and i choose not to because of that. where do i start? she has problems in her life that she and only she can change but how do i get her to see this? can i? she doesnt seem to think she has a problem but thats just her denying her problem. im lost. she finally just opened up to me after 4 months of being apart. we talked for acouple hours the other night and this is how i came to find all this out. shes been seeing a therapist for her personal problems and has been diagnosed with somekind of anxiety disorder. he also told her she was an alcoholic and i think that upset her so she doesnt want to go back to him. i dont think her mother knows the extent of her problems. her dad i think just doesnt care that much. he often supports her habits. as a person who loves an alcoholic what do i do? do i talk to the mom? just offer this girl a friend and a place to go if she does want to help herself? i hate that she wont let me into her life and help her but i understand she can only help herself. please give me some advice. this really upsets me to no end.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Hoppy and welcome.
Not only can you not make her "do", you also can't make her "see". Alcohol and drug abusers do not start to turn their lives around because you think its a mess... they do it when they can't stand the shambles any more.
Telling her mom won't change anything. And I'm not sure I understand what you mean by offering her a place to go if she wants help. You can't help her with this. She ran from a trained therapist... think about it. But everybody can use a friend. If keeping up a connection with her isn't painful for you, a kind word and a "you can do it" never hurt anybody. But please think about yourself. If it is painful, and is making you confused, sick and angry, it may be time to step back.
If you haven't investigated alanon meetings, please think about it. You can't fix her. But you can fix the part of you that keeps wanting to fix her when you know better.
Hugs,
Smoke
Not only can you not make her "do", you also can't make her "see". Alcohol and drug abusers do not start to turn their lives around because you think its a mess... they do it when they can't stand the shambles any more.
Telling her mom won't change anything. And I'm not sure I understand what you mean by offering her a place to go if she wants help. You can't help her with this. She ran from a trained therapist... think about it. But everybody can use a friend. If keeping up a connection with her isn't painful for you, a kind word and a "you can do it" never hurt anybody. But please think about yourself. If it is painful, and is making you confused, sick and angry, it may be time to step back.
If you haven't investigated alanon meetings, please think about it. You can't fix her. But you can fix the part of you that keeps wanting to fix her when you know better.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: suffield, ct
Posts: 5
what i meant when i said a place to go.....was an aa meeting or even a place away from the bars/bad home life. she is surrounded by people who abuse alcohol to the limit. i feel helpless and i suppose in reality i am.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Hi Hoppy,
I think that the key here probably is what Smoke said, can you offer her these suggestions and nurse her through recovery or the lack thereof for that matter and still maintain who you are? Can you function and be happy and separate from her and her disease and still offer her what you would like to? I think that it is possible but it requires your own recovery. It is so strange the dynamics we take on when we take care of an alchoholic/addict. It is our own sickness that we have to recover from. It sounds like you are a bit familiar with this already. Tough situation you are in, good luck and work on you. There is peace to be had!
I think that the key here probably is what Smoke said, can you offer her these suggestions and nurse her through recovery or the lack thereof for that matter and still maintain who you are? Can you function and be happy and separate from her and her disease and still offer her what you would like to? I think that it is possible but it requires your own recovery. It is so strange the dynamics we take on when we take care of an alchoholic/addict. It is our own sickness that we have to recover from. It sounds like you are a bit familiar with this already. Tough situation you are in, good luck and work on you. There is peace to be had!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: suffield, ct
Posts: 5
when an acoholic tells someone that loves them to no end to "move on for your own good even though i dont want you to"
how should i take that? i cant just move on. it seems impossable.
we hadnt talked in over 1-1/2 months or seen eachother on almost 2 and still everyday i let her leaving me control my life.
im self-employed and this hole situtation has had an affect on every aspect of my life from the time i wake up untill the time i fall asleep. she cant explain most of her actions....all she says is i went nuts, or im crazy and i dont know why. she has not been telling me and even her family members the truth. i found out when we talked that she was kicked out of college for not going.......because she was always hungover and missed classes.
this was going on while we were together. we didnt live together so i didnt always see what she was up to. one of i dont know how many lies. what should i expect? shes young been doing this for awhile. will she have to hit rock bottom before she comes around? i want so much to change but feel so useless. not to myself but her and that really hurts. shes to busy partying and she told me when she drinks she doesnt think about the bad things. she becomes a funny, outgoing party girl. im so worried for her and that if she keeps this drinking up shell end up dropping her morals to some men at the bars or wherever. im so worried she will do things and not remeber. hate this feeling
how should i take that? i cant just move on. it seems impossable.
we hadnt talked in over 1-1/2 months or seen eachother on almost 2 and still everyday i let her leaving me control my life.
im self-employed and this hole situtation has had an affect on every aspect of my life from the time i wake up untill the time i fall asleep. she cant explain most of her actions....all she says is i went nuts, or im crazy and i dont know why. she has not been telling me and even her family members the truth. i found out when we talked that she was kicked out of college for not going.......because she was always hungover and missed classes.
this was going on while we were together. we didnt live together so i didnt always see what she was up to. one of i dont know how many lies. what should i expect? shes young been doing this for awhile. will she have to hit rock bottom before she comes around? i want so much to change but feel so useless. not to myself but her and that really hurts. shes to busy partying and she told me when she drinks she doesnt think about the bad things. she becomes a funny, outgoing party girl. im so worried for her and that if she keeps this drinking up shell end up dropping her morals to some men at the bars or wherever. im so worried she will do things and not remeber. hate this feeling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: suffield, ct
Posts: 5
why shouldnt i tell her mother?
wondering why i shouldnt tell her own mother whats been going on? im sure she has no idea to the extent of her own daughters problems. i do not want to cause problems. if i was to talk with her it be a pure attempt to get her help. im really thrown...and lost as ive stated before.advice?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
One more time Hoppy. You can't help her. Her mom can't help her. A trained counselor couldn't help her because she was not ready for that kind of help. It's possible to force treatment on people but it's not possible to force it to work. Treatment works when the user wants the treatment to work. There's no knowing what someone's bottom is going to be. Not everybody hits skid row before they decide enough is enough, but there's no way to predict that.
I hope you will stop worrying about helping her and get some help for you. I know it hurts, but when someone... anyone... tells their partner to move on I don't see that there's more than one way to take that. Please consider going to some alanon meetings or doing some reading on codependency. You can't make her be what you want her to be. However, you can learn to let go of the notion.
Hugs,
Smoke
I hope you will stop worrying about helping her and get some help for you. I know it hurts, but when someone... anyone... tells their partner to move on I don't see that there's more than one way to take that. Please consider going to some alanon meetings or doing some reading on codependency. You can't make her be what you want her to be. However, you can learn to let go of the notion.
Hugs,
Smoke
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Hoppy
Sometimes we just need to let go, no matter how it hurts. If it is meant to be, things will eventually work out. I would respect her wishes because she needs to work on herself and get her act together and she has to want to do this, you cannot do it for her, no matter how hard you try. Like Smoke said, I would get to some meetings and start thinking about You.
Many hugs,
Debbie
<center>"Happiness is like a butterfly,
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
it comes and softly sits on your shoulder".
~~By Nathanial Hawthorne.~~</center>
Sometimes we just need to let go, no matter how it hurts. If it is meant to be, things will eventually work out. I would respect her wishes because she needs to work on herself and get her act together and she has to want to do this, you cannot do it for her, no matter how hard you try. Like Smoke said, I would get to some meetings and start thinking about You.
Many hugs,
Debbie
<center>"Happiness is like a butterfly,
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
it comes and softly sits on your shoulder".
~~By Nathanial Hawthorne.~~</center>
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: School of Life
Posts: 16
As a ex-professional rescuer I only have one thing to say to you:
Get off the horse and step away from the girl!!!!
You can't fix her, and harder even, you can't make her see. I STILL catch myself daily wanting to help the A I live with see her problem. Her father and grandfather are/were both Alcoholics. And 2 seperate therapists told her she was a high functioning alcoholic. Several other people have asked if she had a problem...
Can you ask for much more proof.
I'm working on my co-dependant nature and nicotine addiction. I would leave her problems for her to solve but easier said than done. Your hearts in the right place, maybe go to some al-anon meetings they're strange at first but they get better. If she ever asks you can confirm you too think she has a problem but DON'T go get her info, find AA times for her, etc. The best thing I've learned to say is, "maybe you should talk to someone about this?" and just leave it at that. put the ball back in thier court.
My heart goes out to you it's hard to watch the self-destruction. Some distance and detatchment may be good for you.
-Midknight
Get off the horse and step away from the girl!!!!
You can't fix her, and harder even, you can't make her see. I STILL catch myself daily wanting to help the A I live with see her problem. Her father and grandfather are/were both Alcoholics. And 2 seperate therapists told her she was a high functioning alcoholic. Several other people have asked if she had a problem...
Can you ask for much more proof.
I'm working on my co-dependant nature and nicotine addiction. I would leave her problems for her to solve but easier said than done. Your hearts in the right place, maybe go to some al-anon meetings they're strange at first but they get better. If she ever asks you can confirm you too think she has a problem but DON'T go get her info, find AA times for her, etc. The best thing I've learned to say is, "maybe you should talk to someone about this?" and just leave it at that. put the ball back in thier court.
My heart goes out to you it's hard to watch the self-destruction. Some distance and detatchment may be good for you.
-Midknight
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hoppy,
Step One:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.
From what I've been reading your life has become pretty unmanageable. This whole situation sounds pretty detrimental and demoralizing to YOU! Who cares about her morals. Is this what you want?
Ngaire
Step One:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.
From what I've been reading your life has become pretty unmanageable. This whole situation sounds pretty detrimental and demoralizing to YOU! Who cares about her morals. Is this what you want?
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: suffield, ct
Posts: 5
first off i want to thank all who took time to respond and thankyou for the open arms. this is a great site and im glad i found it. my life has become pretty unmanagable. i am working on getting it all back where it was......without my ex. im learning to understand and except that i cannot change her only she can change her. i cant make her want to be with me and love me the way i would like. im finally feel that after almost four months of what seems like the worst time of my life im seeing the light.
i have a business i cannot let fail....that is not an option. thanks all for your guidance. i know i need to stop being stubborn but im sure many of you know the feeling.....you want answers, you want the answers you want to hear.
i have a business i cannot let fail....that is not an option. thanks all for your guidance. i know i need to stop being stubborn but im sure many of you know the feeling.....you want answers, you want the answers you want to hear.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Hoppy - I just wanted to add that change, like all things, is not an overnight process. Just like AA or NA, those who love addicts must also take a "one day at a time" approach. I would urge to do pick yourself up a copy of Melody Beatties' "Codependency No More" from the bookstore. As you work on your own problems of codependency, you will feel a little bit better with each day. Even if you take a step backwards one day, as long as you keep your focus on yourself, you will continue to move forward. Following a 12-step program has the potential to make life better for you in all ways. We usually have codependency issues long before we meet the addict in our life, but once we become involed in a relationship with one is when the true magnitude of our problem becomes apparent. There are lots of different 12-step programs, including Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and Codependents Anonymous. Give one a try - it certainly won't hurt, and you don't have to talk if you don't want to. But you will be welcomed with open arms by people who will be able to offer you help and understanding face to face.
Keep coming back, Hoppy. I think you've got a good heart and loving someone doesn't have to hurt so much.
Love and hugs.
Keep coming back, Hoppy. I think you've got a good heart and loving someone doesn't have to hurt so much.
Love and hugs.
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