Originally Posted by Silverberry1331

Sorry for the long post...I need to put this out there though because it is a part of my recovery....I need to do this...So here is my confession...

After another weekend filled with loneliness, guilt, and tears, yesterday, I think I had another breakthrough.

I was fine the better part of last week because I hadn't heard from Don. However, Thursday came around and I got a phone call with all the same stuff...asking to come home...profession of his love and need for me...the reminder of my marital commitment of for better for worse. I immediately was a mess all over again. Thankfully, an Al Anon friend, SR friends, and meetings were a comfort. Went through the entire process over again of telling Don in my wishy washy way that nothing has changed, and that I love him, but I can't live like this. Again, I allowed his mood affect my mood.

I have played the tape all the way through, but it hadn't helped. I only feel guilty at missing the good parts and feel nothing at the bad parts. My girlfriend at work here told me that considering what he has done as far as his behavior prior to him leaving, I am far nicer than most people would be. I have had SR friends ask me how I deal with the infidelity and I surprise myself when I say I don't feel anything about it. The only emotions that I allow myself to feel is guilt and remorse for my actions.

So yesterday, I was feeling crummy about everything, and I had a conversation with an SR friend who mentioned that I need to stop thinking about Don and start focusing on myself. I have heard this a thousand times before, but maybe only took the advice tokenistly until last night.

Here is what I realized about myself....even though I play the tape all the way through, I keep the sound off. Whenever, I start to think that maybe I was betrayed, hurt, or shamed, I say to myself "Don't think about that." I never realized that I did that until yesterday. I caught myself. I have gotten so good at this that it has been automatic. I can just skip over the command and immediate disassociate myself from the thoughts.

So I avoid confronting reality... I see it, I hear it, but I "don't think about that"....Literally...this is what I am saying to myself. So I have now tricked myself into believing the following things. I want to share them with you, so that I can come clean with myself..I realize that the following seems to focus on my husband, but please bear with me...I have to admit these things to myself, or else I will always bring my behavior back to saving him and hating myself.

1) My husband is an alcoholic, but only recently began drinking again after years of soberity...(Correction: My husband attempted to abstain for about a year or two out of eight, but not consecutively because he came home blasted a few times...perhaps those times he couldn't hide it..I suspect he was drinking all along).

2) My husband's stomach illness was the result of horrific stomach problems that no one could adequately diagnois. (Correction: My husband's stomach problems were the result of prolonged drug use and alcohol abuse and nerves).

3) My husband had an emotional affair with a woman, but most likely never had sex with her. She meant nothing to him...(Correction: My husband did have an affair...he slept with her and continously chose her over me despite that our marriage was on the rocks and he knew that I would throw him out if it continued. He planned on moving in with her and spent many nights with her.).

4) We may have had our problems, but ultimately, my husband adored me and respected me....(Correction: My husband did not adore me or respect me. He obviously in the end felt contempt for me, which he shared with with new girlfriend...he spoke ill of me to his new friends and anyone else who would listen...that is not evidence of respect or adoration).

5) My husband was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and bad people...He never ever would have done all the things that he was doing had he not had to stop working....He was so depressed because he couldn't work and had no income to support our family that he turned to all these things...He couldn't help himself....(Correction: No...my husband could not ever hold a job and saw his back problems as an excuse not to work any more. He refused to do anything to get better. He was content not working and going out and getting drunk with his new buddies. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but he was content being in it as long as I maintained the status quo. As long as I supported him and just shut up about it and gave him money, he was fine...he and I lost all respect for me as I allowed this to happen. He didn't accidently meet these people. He sought them out and partied with them, and happily so...).

6) My husband didn't mean to spend $10,000 in a month...he just isn't good with managing money...(Correction: No, he DID mean to spend that money...he used it to finance his vacation with his girlfriend, tattoo himself, drink, drug, eat, buy frivilous crap, and never once considered that he should put some towards the marital home, and was pissed when he found out that I would not supplement his income once it was gone).

7) My husband's suicide attempt was the direct result of how bad his life was going and our marriage that was falling apart. If I had been a better wife and just stopped my schooling when he was lonely or had that baby he wanted, we would have been fine and happy....(Correction: The police report said that he had been drunk and had a fight with his girlfriend while on vacation...she found the pill container empty shortly thereafter...it had nothing to do with me).

8) My husband stopped speaking to this woman and started going to AA because he wants our marriage to work. He is desperate to come home and I am completely unfair for not considering it. I am acting like he is just some boyfriend I am breaking up with and not a husband I made vows to...(Correction: My husband changed his phone number because the other woman was a verbally abusive alcoholic and he couldn't stand the abuse....he didn't change the number for me or our marriage, but for his discomfort. He occasionally attends AA because he is searching for something, but it isn't for me. He has yet to make a commitment to soberity, but even if he did, it wouldn't change anything...I am not taking him back because I know nothing has changed and if I did, I would end right back at square one. The most loving thing I can do for the both of us is to let it go).

These are the confessions of a sick mind. Even as I read them, I still can't believe them, but I am working on it. Otherwise, I am in for a long life of heartache and misery....I will constantly repeat the same mistakes over and over again.... Thanks for listening...sorry for the long post....

Originally Posted by Lilyflower

I've been thinking that my ex was a great guy really. Well when we first got together anyway. I have caught myself wondering if I will ever meet anyone like him again. We hit it off straight away and spent 3 hours eating a meal because we were talking and laughing so much. I have not pondered the badness although I kind of acknowledge it was there too. I admit I have been thinking that perhaps my one true love has been lost to me and I won't find it again.