Blondie

My AH spends a lot of time and money at the bar and now I think I know where all of the time and money is going. He is entering his bartender “friend” in a hot bartender contest. He took her picture in all sorts of sexy poses. She had cloths on but a lot of cleavage was showing and she is pretty and single and young. You can’t see anyone else in the bar, just them. He was downloading the pictures from his camera when I walked in the room. He wasn’t even embarrassed or anything and just casually asked me how to check and see if the photos were on the CD or not. I casually showed him and left the room - in shock. A few times he didn’t come home from work all night and said he was playing poker (yeah, more like poke her), then he went to work in the same cloths he wore the day before without ever coming home. I feel so stupid, but he acts like it’s normal for a 43 year old father of two children to take sexy photos of a young sexy woman he sees almost everyday (he goes to the bar every day) when they are alone in the bar. Is that normal??? I didn’t confront him because he tends to flirt with other women in front of me and say I’m sensitive (always my fault). I feel sick to my stomach. His drinking is destroying our marriage, but now I suspect there is more to it then that. It’s sad that he would rather spend time with his bartender then with his two kids. I look and feel like hell from the stress and I’m middle aged and he tells me he doesn’t want to be single, but actions speak louder then words!!!

Latte

Listen to your inner voice.

coyote21

My AXW was the kind of girl that didn't have many girlfriends, kind of was one of the guys. At first that was great. Any way, as the alcoholism progressed she had several affairs. After the divorce I found out from her step mom that she'd probably been having an ongoing affair w/ex married bf from b4 me, at least since the 3rd year of our 11 year marriage. Sure am glad Hp spared me that info till then!

Any way point is, having an affair was the absolutely last thing I'd have ever expected from my AW. I was wrong.

I believe Hp reveals stuff to us only if we are in a position to do something about it. Good luck, man am I sorry any of us have to go thru this particular aspect of drunkeness. We ALL deserve better than this. :ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

ClimbingUP

I agree with Latte. I was in a very similar situation with an ex. He would stay out until 6am several times a week and always had suspicious things happen with other women. And I was crazy if I questioned him. Getting out of that relationship was the best thing I ever did. Being lied to sucks and it makes you doubt your own reality. Regardless of whether or not he's having an affair, is this how you want to be treated by someone who is supposed to treasure you? Yes, there are ups and downs in a marriage. But his behavior is disrespectful.

tommyk

Blondie - he can only engage in such behavior as long as you tolerate the behavior.

Just my opinion, but with your relationship it doesn't sound like you have much to lose because there isn't much there. No offense.

mle-sober

Umm... disrespectful is an understatement to say the least. I would say inexcusible.

TommyK is absolutely right.

I only come to this forum occassionally. And I hope you guys don't kick me out. I'm the alcoholic in my family. (Nine and a half months sober.) I am so surprised to read your posts when I'm here. (And I feel privledged to do so - thank you.) Because I can't understand why you tolerate the behavior of the A in your life.

A wise person once told me that I was a person who tolerated the intolerable. And they pointed out that this was the cause of much of my misery.

I guess you've probably heard this one - that we teach others how to treat us. That is so true, I think.

Leave this AH as fast as you can. He is not worth a single look back. He is the father to your children (I think?) and has the right to that role only if he is capable of keeping them safe. It doesn't appear he is even capable of that. And he certainly has shown no committment to being your partner. Cut the cord. Drop him on his head. Spit him out. (I think someone wrote a song about this. )

And feel free to tell me to excuse myself from this forum. I'll understand.

GiveLove

From your previous postings, I wasn't sure it was possible for your AH to treat you with more disrespect than he was before.

I was wrong. This takes the cake.

Only you can decide when you've had enough of this kind of treatment.

sslusser

I think it is the fundamental difference in the alcoholic personality (selfish and self serving versus the codependent personality (selflessness (to a fault) and people pleasing).

We are here to change that behavior. Until we wake up, we think we are saving, helping, living for someone else (the A) in our lives.

I think it is good for you to be here. I am sure you have a perspective that we (the codependent) find useful.

And congratulations on nine and a half months! << pats mle-sober on back >> That is no simple feat and requires more courage than running into battle blindfolded and naked in February!

Blondie

There is nothing left at all now. I told him when I married him (18 years ago) that if he ever hit me or cheated on me we were done. I had wondered if when I left he would wake up and get sober, but now that doesn't matter. I will be moving in with my mother when my stepfather is gone. We found out that he has less then six months to live (he has COPD and now cancer in the lungs) and I love him so much, so dealing with loosing my "dad" is very painful and AH hates him because my "dad" confronted AH about how he treated me. I can't move in right now because the kids make a lot of noise and it disturbs him because he is in so much pain. They are starting Hospice care next week.

You know though, he treats me so bad and tells me he loves me etc, but it just occurred to me that I think he is trying to drive me away so that it looks like the whole break up is my fault. Could that be possible? If he didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to be a playboy I wish he'd say so!:wtf2

GiveLove

Yes. And I know this from (oh too) personal experience.

That would take a level of courage on his part that he may not have. Why should he leave? He gets to do what he wants and whenever he feels like coming home, he has you all waiting for him. No offense, but it sounds like a pretty cushy situation.

Sorry you're going through this, blondie. Yuck.

ToughChoices

Maybe he wants both.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants.

What do you want?

Blondie

I don't want to be married to him anymore. Hell, it isn't even a marriage really is it. Looking at my pasts posts and reading them as if they were someone elses is a shock. I'm worse then a doormat, I'm toilet paper! It's going to be very hard when I leave with the kids and the divorce battle will be awful. I don't have the money now, but will inherit some money from my stepfather to hire a lawyer. I hate to say that! I'd rather have my stepfather then all the money in the world, but there is no hope for him now. I help my mother take care of him while the kid's are in school. I'd like to tell her what's going on lately, but she is having a tough time handling watching my stepfather waste away (and so am I). I'm talking with my sister about it. She used to be a bar tender and remembers seeing a lot of men like my AH in the bar. She said guys like that were huge tippers. There's a sucker born every minute.

ToughChoices

Easy does it, Blondie.

I think you sound like a caring and loyal woman - someone I'd want as a friend.
You are most certainly NOT toilet paper!

In the past I have allowed myself to be treated in less than ideal ways.
That was then. This is now.

Today I see myself for the valuable, lovely person that I am, and I know that I am worthwhile. So are you.
When I read your posts I can see that the realization is dawning - give it some time to sink in.

How about telling him you want him to move out? Give yourself a little room to breathe?

-TC

Blondie

The house we are living in is falling apart as I speak. He never liked doing house maintainence and I couldn't keep up with it alone. I'm very tired and just couldn't affort to keep the house and don't really want it. We'd probably sell it, but would get far less then what we paid for it.

mle-sober

You know, I don't think he's even that smart. As an alcoholic, I can tell you that my spouse gave me way too much credit for being devious and planning and plotting. When I was actively drinking, it didn't feel like I had any control over the world and I just drank blindly and followed the next drink and then the next.

My husband thought I was having an affair and it was so strange when I found that out. Because the only affair I was having was with the bottle. Nothing else mattered. My husband thought I was a lot smarter than I actually was. He assigned reason to my actions. When in reality, everything in my life was dictated by where and when the next drink was arriving.

I did drive my family away (and luckily, with sobriety, they came back to me). But I didn't do it intentionally. It was much more that I drowned myself in the bottle which had the effect of keeping them away. But the intent was always much more self-centered than that. It was all about me and nothing about them. They didn't even factor into the equation.

Don't give him so much credit.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You will have to be strong. But you can do it. And there will come a day when you look up and see the sky and feel the breeze and have a slow dawning of happiness and contentment. And that will grow into joy and a pride in yourself that you will absolutely deserve.

ToughChoices

But for tonight? For tomorrow? For a few months until your financial situation improves and you can get a lawyer and sell the house - could you tell him you want him out?

You're going to be sleeping in the house tonight one way or the other, right?
Might as well be free from his bad company and disrespect.

Blondie

Thanks for your perspective. Maybe I do give him to much credit, I don't know. I know that I started detaching a few years ago. The only thing left to do is leave so that he can take full responbility for it all. I don't know if he'll be sorry when I'm gone (doubt it) or that he'll feel remorse (doubt that too), but that doesn't matter now because I will not take him back under any circumstances after I am gone I left and came back twice, but I've made up my mind that the next time I leave it is over. I am drained and exhausted.

coyote21

Thanks for that perspective. In the begining my AXW had about 20 IQ pts on me. I'm just smart enough to know where I fall in the food chain, which is useful info most of the time, and makes me smarter than most.

That being said, alcohol has dummed her down considerably, much more level playing field now. Any way I've been in recovery for close to 3 years and have always heard they (A's) aren't "doing stuff TO US", they're just "doing stuff".

Your eloquent explanation finally got me to "get it" with respect to her behavior.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Tarheel

Blondie,

Building on what ToughChoices said....I don't know the laws in your state, but in mine - based on his behavior - you could legally require him to leave the home. Are there any legal resources for women in your area? Sometimes there are ways to get legal support and advice without the expense of hiring a lawyer.

Space would be such a valuable thing for you right now. Hang in there and be as easy as you can with yourself!

TH

FormerDoormat

Yes, I believe he is playing "poke her." So, what are you going to do about it?