Blondie

Ah, Former Doormat you are right on as usual. I intend to finally put the ball in motion and start looking around for my options legally. I really don't want the house, but if we sell it I will get half. It is time to talk to a lawyer.

FormerDoormat

Glad to hear you're taking action to get the life you deserve. You go girl!

cassandra2

Just my two cents.....But ah my ex used to say he cheated on me. He cheated on me with drugs. So what difference does it make that now its a woman. Whatever takes the place of you in a relationship whether that be drugs, alcohol, women, men, porn, whatever it is its cheating. You are cheated out of the person you pledged to spend the rest of your life with....

How much more of your life are you gonna let him cheat you out of????

gns

You sound strong and decided, Blondie - you go girl!!

beaglebaby

Blondie -- I put up and drug my feet when my AH (now ex) began flirting with other women. He had cell phone buddies he would share text messages and photos with... and I asked and asked and believed his "quacking" when he said it was nothing.

Then one night I was out of town on business, and my AXH brought a woman to our house, WHILE MY CHILD WAS THERE.

Point is that if his alcoholism is escalating to affairs and other women -- it could get even worse for you. If I'd had any idea how my story was going to end, I'd have filed long ago.

So trust your instincts and get out before it gets worse. Trust me. My situation was devastating.

denny57

Wouldn't the flip side of this statement be me asking someone during their drinking career, I don't understand why you continue to drink when it's causing so many problems in your life?

When people asked me questions like that it made me feel worse about myself, not better.Yep, not only did I share 18 years of my life with an alcoholic, but I was a sucker and an idiot for doing so.

What helped me most was Al Anon - where I met people who understood why I tolerated the untolerable - and individual therapy.

Blondie - I also had a husband who flirted with other women in front of me. By the end of our marriage he was practically asking them out on dates while I stood there. And yes, many spouses push the other to be the one to leave. Mine did.

Keep posting - you are NOT alone.

((( )))

Startingover2

My exAH cheated on me during my entire pregnancy and newborn stage. I kept believing his "im sorrys" over and over. Finally I had enough when I caught him texting the other woman while I was trying to console a colicky baby. Kicked him out right then. Caught them in bed less than a month later. Friends my ass!

Draw your line whatever that may be and stick to it. It was the best thing I ever did.

Silverberry1331

Blondie...

Let me tell you...I could write alot of your story.

Don is 46, and was suddenly spending alot of time with a "friend". He was so casual about it. Hid it for a while. Then acted like I was insane. In the meanwhile, I was holding on. Not knowing why I was staying. My husband went away for the weekend with her while I was out of town...spent the night out and lied about it... He didn't want to be a playboy and single. He wanted his party and his parent at the same time. One to have his kicks with and the other to wipe his a$$ (that was me by the way).

Meanwhile, I was working my finger to the bone. The house was disgusting. I had no life. I looked ancient as all my self esteem was sucked out of me and my attire and pride in my appearance reflected it. I was exhausted, and socially isolated.

I wondered if anyone was going to want me after he was gone. After all, I felt like damaged goods.

After I made him move out in September, he turned it all around..."it is for better for worse you know, and sickness and in health...I am sick and I have a disease and YOU'RE bailing." He gave it to me at every angle. The tears, the depression, the anger, the accusations, the blame shifting. Never ever taking responsibility for himself.

Well...guess what? I am doing just fine. I come home at night and I have peace. I have a blooming social life. Look better. My house is clean. I am working on me. I found that without him around, there was less expenses, even when there was less income. I am like a plant who has been hidden in closet and now has been exposed to sun!

Do I have my bad days? Yeah. Sure. I do . I cry. I get angry. I get remorseful. But not for a minute do I doubt my decision. I love my husband and the person he used to be and perhaps is somewhere in there. However, I am not going to waste my life anticipating his arrival.

Do yourself a favor...set yourself free. You don't want this marriage? Get out of it. I promise you...it is worth it.

My life reminds me of a line from the movie American Beauty.

"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about."

Peace, love

Fluxion

Hi, I'm new here, I post mostly on the Adult Children board.
I've lived this nightmare. It was so profoundly painful, I walked around in a daze...

Two thoughts came to mind as I was reading your post:

If this is what he doesn't hide from you, then what you don't know is likely much worse.
And
This man does not love you. (no one who really loved you, could hurt you like this, day after day,
and Regardless of motive he does know he's hurting you).

When I look back at that time in my own life, I feel sad that I loved him, more than I loved me. If anyone had tried to hurt him, (or any precious loved one), I would have done all that I could to have prevented that, but for some reason, I did not afford myself the same love and protection. I do now though...

I know its easier said, than it is to put into practice, but the pay off is huge. Renewed passion for life, and a giant increase in self respect, because you know someone loved and valued you, enough to do whatever it took to keep you from being hurt. And that someone was you.

I am in your corner here,
Fluxion

GiveLove

Blondie, one thing: please talk to a lawyer and see if there's any way to make it so AH won't inherit part of whatever your stepfather leaves to you. I know your heart is busy with other things right now, but it would be great if you had that cushion to fall back on if you decide to build a life without AH. Just a thought that popped into my head....

mle-sober

Fair enough.

I didn't mean to bolster any negative self images. I'm sorry. And I think it's perfectly appropriate that you ask the alcoholic (if you are trying to understand and help) why they keep drinking. For me, the answer was always that I wanted the pain of drinking more than the pain of getting sober. Until, one day, it crossed a line and it was the other way around.

It does sound like, to me at least (with my limited experience on this side), that the answer to why you stay when you are in an intolerable situation is basically the same. You stay because the pain of leaving is worse than the pain of staying. At least for now. Until one day, it's not.

Blondie, I hope I didn't cause you additional distress with my words. I am only trying to support you.

blessed4x

Silverberry, thank you for that......it gives me hope. I could have written much of your post. My AH started spending time with a "friend" as well. He does have a male friend (15 years younger than him and single) that he hangs out with, but I suspect there is more. I know they have gone to a bar at least once to pick up, as a friend of mine saw them. I haven't been able to prove anything, but husbands should not leave all night without telling you where they are going, or where they have been.

Blondie....you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am also dealing with my father in end stage cancer. Trust your gut with what's going on and as I've been advised, keep putting one foot in front of the other.

denny57

No harm, just sharing my experience.

When I asked the alcoholic is my life why he drinked he answered: "You." So I didn't ask that too many times LOL.

I personally did not stay because the pain of leaving was worse than the pain of staying. I think it's different for everyone.

Pam08

Hi, I am the alcoholic in my family. I am sober now for a short time and I admit it is a struggle. My husband has cheated on me numerous times..and he does'nt drink a bit, he did that way before I became an alcoholic, anyway, my point is, I felt it each time..there is something inside of me that would tell me something is wrong...then I would ck it out and ,,yep. i would find the other woman. There is nothing more hurtful then cheating on your spouse, whether you are the alcoholic or not. I hope you can do what you need to do to keep your sanity...If he is , I hope you have more courage and self respect then I did and not let it repeat itself over and over. I am hoping to get the strength to move on and behappy in all areas of my life. Right now I am putting 110 percent into being sober. Good luck with what you decide. I hope happiness comes back into your life. you deserve that...

Blondie

It seems alcoholism and cheating go hand in hand. I'm still numb from it all and my brain is still whirling. He told me he uploaded her photo onto the internet in that contest and I was really nasty and said "oh how nice". He then asked me why I was so mad (are you kidding?), but our son was in earshot so I couldn't say what I was thinking. He's in a bar with nobody else around with a single young woman posing in sexy ways with her bra strap showing and her boob sticking out of the top of her shirt. Am I crazy, or is that totally inappropriate for a married man with two kids????? What the hell am I not getting? Am I blind? If your husband (or wife) did this what the hell would you think??? I e-mailed the picture of the girl to my sister (who was a bartender for years) she said she knew girls like that who would use married men and squeeze whatever money out of them that she could. She doesn't believe that the girl is having sex with my AH, but she thinks that some of that $1,000 bar tab is going toward hefty tips to her. Believe it or not I'm not that mad at the girl (Pamela Anderson look alike), I'm mad at my AH. Who knows what kind of stories he told her, or whoever else.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and now a lot of it makes sense. The wanting me to go out of town for a few weeks to visit relatives, wanting to buy a house near the bar (he said it was a good investment, yeah, right), erasing any evidence of calls on his cellphone as soon as he gets them, etc, etc, etc. It is like the frog in boiling water isn't it. Confronting him with anything is impossible because he always says I'm nuts and it's all my fault (you know, you've all heard it), throws a temper tantrum then it's off to the bar. I am tired and have a headache and my stomach hurts. I wish he would just go away and live his bachelor lifestyle. He will get that opportunity not to long from now. It's the life he's always wanted, you can't have a family and live the free single life too, it just doesn't work.

mle-sober

Blondie,

Your husband is acting like a complete jerk. And he doesn't deserve you.

That being said, you are pounding your head against a brick wall to think that he is going to in any way acknowledge or legitimize your feelings. It's not in his nature as he is fundamentally selfish. Don't expect him to understand this or even accept it at all. It's not like he has that self-knowledge and is just evasive. He doesn't even have the self-knowledge.

So, then, your job is to preserve yourself and get out of the way of the wreckage. The wreckage is indiscriminate and will consume you if you let it. Do whatever you can and must to save yourself, show respect to yourself, love yourself. It's kind of like stepping over a dead possom in the road. You don't step in it. You step over it or around it. Otherwise you get it all over your shoe. Yuck.

I don't think unfaithfulness is inherent in alcoholism. I was never unfaithful even in my worst days of drinking. But you are not crazy and your husband is treating you horribly. There is no excuse for it.

You sound so disbelieving that he would treat you this way. So you are blaming yourself in some ways - like, "this can't be happening so I must be imagining it or blowing it out of proportion." But you are not imagining it or blowing it out of proportion. It's horrible what he is doing whether or not he is actually cheating on you physically. He's still acting awful no matter how you look at it.

I'm sorry you're husband is acting like a jerk and treating you this way. You don't deserve it.