Missy

So we own a house together... been through detox 6 times including a professional intervention.
All promises and boundaries were broken.. Had a small DV situation and again turned up back home.
We own our home together and he is not violent.... only vebally agressive.
I am too, so done... but can't get him to leave.

The law tells me he has a right to be in his home as long as no laws are broken.
I could leave, but I cant afford a mortgage and rent (he is on disability, not brinning much $$ in)

His drinking has caused his almost bone in his body to be broken. Last one was his jaw and needed his jaw wired shut to protect his teeth from falling out.
So here I sit... night after night same quacking:chatter

anyone else out there just waiting.... what to do? I'm tired of being tired and find thing to do just to get out of the house..:praying

bookwyrm

We own our house together - though my AH did leave (and left me all the bills too!) - and we're selling. Fingers crossed that it actually sells and I can then move on. I don't know about the law where you are but here I could get a court order to make my AH agree to sell if he decided to be difficult about it. He would also have been given the option to buy my half. It might be worth your while seeking legal advice about this.

Its a horrible situation to be in - living in the same house as someone you don't want to be with - I did it for far too long and suffered the verbal abuse too...

My thoughts are with you. :ghug3

justanothrdrunk

One option:

You could just sign over the house (give it to him) and move out.

A coworker did this in her divorce (totally different situation). There was some difficulty in dividing some things up. Her lawyer recommended she just give up on the house and sign it over for nothing. With the market as it is, he had to deal with selling it and could not - went into foreclosure. But since her name was no longer on the house, the foreclosure wasn't on her credit record.

Then you would have no mortgage to pay.

Kind of depends on how much equity is in the house. In the case of my coworker, they had not been in the house very long so not much was paid in, i.e., she didn't lose much in giving away her share. And in the end she wound up gaining due to the poor market and the decrease in value.

denny57

Many lawyers will consult for a free hour. It might be worth it to see what options you have legally.

I was tired of being tired, too - it kept me from being my own best advocate.

Keep posting, reaching out for support- you are not alone.

queenteree

How can you not "get him to leave"? My husband lost his job several months ago, he doesn't bring in much money either anymore, and after last week's episode, I told him that he has two choices, 1) leave and leave me totally alone, I will manage and pay all the bills as they become due and we will get to keep the house till the market gets better then we can sell or I will buy him out (but I have kept records over the past several months on what "I" paid, helps in the divorce settlement) or 2) if he refuses to leave and leave me alone, I will move to a place where he will never find me, and the house and the bills can all be his, and we'll both probably walk away with nothing, which he knew I would do for my peace of mind. He chose option no. 1, guess cause he figures he'll get money in the end when he's really out of money.

brundle

I'm also stuck just waiting! I live in a really big house that I couldn't afford. My AH works... I have MS so I can't work anymore. He wont leave and pay the bills (well he refuses to leave but that would be for another post) My finally thing will be when my daughter (who is 22 and an x-ray tech) finally gets full-time so she can get medical coverage.

She can then also get coverage on her 17 year old brother.(he's their step-father and doesn't have to keep insurance on him). AH has to keep me on his medical ins. until divorce is final and my lawyer feels we can drag that out for two years or until the house sells. With the size of the house who knows how long that will be. So I'll find a nice little place once she gets full-time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. (I haven't told her that...She thinks I can't find a place I like)

I hate to wait....

Missy

thanks all. So much easier to say than to acutally do....
My AH is very sick too. Dr's dont believe he is still alive after horrible blood test results... liver is shot... kidney affected and all he does is move from the couch to to bed.. complaining about all his aches and pains....
that is when he isnt accusing me of being with another man..., treating him bad and continually letting me know his drinking is my fault. If I'd only have sex with him.. he would sober up..
I have a beautiful condo on Lake Michigan. No one wants to come over, I miss company..totally because of AH.

He thinks al-anon is a cult... nothing but fags and dikes there and they are making me the way I am...
I've totally detatched. Maybe detatched with too much love here.
Not much talking in my home. Al-anon taught me to keep my mouth shut and take care of myself. My sponsor would love to see us apart... but that too is my decission...
Cruel to say.. but I dont want a divorce. If AH would die, I want to be there to get my mortgage paid off.
Is this selfish?
Thank God (and I do believe in God and have a great faith) there are no children at home. We have been married for 4 years....
Our wedding night was horrible and every anniversary since has been crap...

No history with this AH of mine. Only have known him fo 7 years.
So what is it? I know! These guys are charming. They know exactly what they are capable of. The cunning, baffling, bla, bla....
Going to open meetings amazes me. What wonderful recovering alcholics are out there... I guess until he takes his last breath... maybe I cling on to that hope that the program teaches us....

Story sound familar to anyone?
Karen

Stubborn1

If you are there by your own free will and are just waiting for him to die then you shouldn't be complaining. I don't see the point.
Are you asking for a solution to something you are not willing to do? Are you just venting? I don't know what you want from us.

I guess all you can do is wait for him to die if you want to stay with him. I'm not sure who you are being cruel to......him or yourself.

Good luck whatever you decide.

DII

Missy, sometimes the best way to figure things out is to remove yourself from the story. What if you had a friend that was telling you the same story you have told us? What advice would you give your friend?

Missy

ok. I needed to hear (read) that.... I got some good suggestions here on the forum.
Thanks guys... I needed that slap across the face... and it didnt hurt either..

I'm gonna set some boundaries and get some help here with friends al-anon to follow through.
XO

blessed4x

(((Missy))).....sometimes the posts I've learned the most from are the one's that are the hardest to hear. If you are open to listening and learning about you I believe you can't go wrong.

:ghug

ICant

Missy, I'm ashamed to say that I have also had fantasies about my AH dying and have even said it aloud. In that way, I would be free of the situation without the stigma of being so weak as to leave my children's father. I see things differently now. It's no one's business whether I stay or go. It's my choice.