Letter to my STBXAH

Old 11-12-2008, 08:49 PM
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Letter to my STBXAH

I'm so proud of myself for actually pulling my thoughts together, and then delivering this letter to my STBXAH last week. I figured that I would try to bow out of our relationship with at least a little shred of dignity and self respect.

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Dear STBXAH–

I don’t know at what point you fell out of love with me – or at what point that you decided that you no longer wanted to be my life partner. But I do know that the last three months have been the most painful ordeal of my life. I never expected our marriage to end this way. I’ve got to hand it to you – you got me good. I never saw this coming.

I keep clinging to some hope that you will wake up and realize that you love me. I keep thinking you will wake up and want to live the life that we worked so hard to build. But I’m just kidding myself and putting off the inevitable.

You don’t want to have a life with me. You don’t want to make love and be a family and finish raising our kids together. We should be planning for the next chapter of our lives to travel and laugh and love as our kids leave home. Who am I kidding? You haven’t even spent 15 minutes with me in the week that you’ve been back from your last business trip!! Whatever it is that you want – whatever demons are haunting you – you have let them take over your life, and you are no longer the man I married and the man I fell in love with.

I’m so tired of crying and praying and pleading and begging. I’m so tired of trying to rewrite the story of our 24 years together and hope for a new ending. It isn’t going to happen and I just end up getting hurt over and over again.

I’ll always love you. And contrary to what you think – I have forgiven you for having an affair with xx [other woman]. In time I will also forgive you for the way you’ve lied, put me down, broken so many promises and played with my emotions this past three months following the affair. But right now it’s too painful, too fresh, and too humiliating.

Your parting words to me yesterday were that you weren’t a good guy and that everybody hates you. In hindsight, I guess you were warning me that you were going to do something to hurt me again yesterday. And you did. There’s no doubt in my mind what you did yesterday. That’s the reason you are so defensive and so afraid to talk to me. You’ve done the ultimate betrayal against your wedding vows. And we both know it. What’s worse is that you’re not sorry and you can’t seem to stop yourself from doing it over and over again.

For two months I’ve been praying that you would go to marriage counseling with me. But you’ve made it painfully clear that this is the last thing you want to do. I am accepting your decision and letting you off the hook. No need to bother, just get on with whatever life it is you want to live without me and the kids.

I will continue to pray that you find God again. I will continue to pray that you seek treatment in an alcohol program. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. But I can no longer have you in my life. I need the chance to get on with my life and have fun and go out on dates and all the other things that you’ve been doing. I clung so desperately to the hope that you would find your way back to me that I just wouldn’t let myself do that. But I’m giving myself permission to heal and giving myself permission to get over losing the love of my life.

I don’t have the strength to continue to be the only one fighting for our marriage. The best thing that you can do for me right now, is let me be free to try and rebuild my life after this devastating divorce.

I am so weary of trying to fight for your love. The truth is that I am a smart, beautiful, funny, and successful woman – who deserves a man that loves her exactly as she is right now. Not a man that tells her she’s not thin enough, not sexy enough and too hung up on fidelity. You should have enough respect for our 24 year history to let me find that kind of life.

I’d love to say that we could be friends, but the truth is, we cannot. I just can’t stand the pain of having you date other women. I can’t stand the thought of wondering who is sharing your bed, and trying to understand why it isn’t me.

The simple truth is that I can no longer have any contact with you. It just hurts too much. I will take a lesson from our amazing daughter. She says that she tells herself that her father is dead, because the man who raised her really is gone.

And from the bottom of my heart, I really really miss that “stand up” guy that I married, and the man who pledged lifelong love to me. Like our daughter, I believe too that the man I used to know is gone, and a stranger has taken his place.

Don’t worry about helping after my surgery this week. It really is best if you leave me alone to heal and recover with my friends and family. I need a healthy, healing environment full of unconditional love. I need to surround myself with people who root for me and have my best interests at heart. It would be much to painful to make myself that vulnerable with you right now.

It’s with a heavy heart that I tell you one last time – I love you. Please take care of yourself, and please try to find your way back to the man that you really are. Your kids, sisters, parents, friends, co-workers – and above all your wife – are rooting for you to find peace with yourself.
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Old 11-12-2008, 09:41 PM
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It takes a lot of courage to write a letter like that. ** Hugs **
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:31 PM
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wow!
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