He wants to come home...

Old 11-11-2008, 03:54 PM
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He wants to come home...

Ok, so I guess me contacting him after 10 days of no contact was more of a booboo then I had imagined it would be. He text me today to tell me how much he loves me, how hurt he has been over the last 4 months and it went on and on. Yes, I did text him back. I said it wouldn't work out between us, because just yesterday he left me e-mail which seemed to me seething with anger towards me. He said he would go to counseling and that he wants to be with me. I told him no, it's too late for that at this point and that I was sorry for contacting him because it has caused too much pain and I have shed enough tears over this S@(#.. I also said that I can't change yesterday, but I can make sure that he has no more of my tomorrows. He then asked me if I was having relationships with anyone since he has been gone. I told him the truth, that I can't imagine at this point that I can enter into an intimate relationship with anyone (albeit I have a male friend, but we just talk) He then asked me if he can call me to talk about this. I said no, I can't afford to talk to you right now. (emotionally) I was crying terribly by time the texting was done.

I got off the computer and called my brother right away. He said, listen you have to do what you feel is best for you, but in my opinion he is jerking you around because he senses that he is losing you because you went so long without contact and that isn't your personality. He will leave you again if you take him back. His (my brothers) girlfriend was in the background saying, but you changed why can't he quit drinking and go to counseling, maybe she should give him the benifit of the doubt. He repeted, you can do what you want, it is your life, but you can't hear yourself over the last 6 times he has left you and you are crying, in so much pain, nearly suicidal, but I have heard you.. I hear you and I don't want you to hurt that way and put yourself into the same situation because someone who promised you many times they would go to counseling (and never did) will come into your life and treat you unkind and downright mean and leave you sitting there crying and in pain all over again. But, listen, it is your life but please take time to think this over and think about what you have gained in personal strength. He said you are doing good. It was good to tell him that he can't call you tonight because you might just be too lonely right now and are not thinking this through.

This is my opinion on this, for myself. I WISH, hope, and pray that God has spoken to his heart and that he really wants to get help. I honestly can't see that he is telling the truth, not so much lying but just making false promises to keep me hanging on. He is still stuck on that notion that this is my fault because of my mistrust in men (which I do have.. no kidding!!) I look around at my life, not really empty, my arms may be empty at night when I lay down, but hey I have no one puking in the middle of the night, or spitting in my hair because he is mad at me for something I said while he was drunk. I am paying my bills, first time in my life that I was ever 100% responsible for paying the bills. I have a life with little to no stress. I have company, if my son is not here then someone is, and when my son is here so is 7 of his friends which is a blast to hear a bunch of teen boys laughing it up about stupid stuff. If the XABF came back he wouldn't be happy with that situation, and I don't want to cut my sons social life for an 'if'.

1/2 of me misses him so much I can puke, the other 1/2 of me wants to puke because I am still thinking about him and talking to him.

I really am contemplating taking him back. I am such a sad sack. ugghh..

Any input would help me out greatly. I am not going to take his call tonight, but I know him, he will call until I cave and I need some insight from people who have been there.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:05 PM
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I am paying my bills, first time in my life that I was ever 100% responsible for paying the bills. I have a life with little to no stress. I have company, if my son is not here then someone is, and when my son is here so is 7 of his friends which is a blast to hear a bunch of teen boys laughing it up about stupid stuff. If the XABF came back he wouldn't be happy with that situation, and I don't want to cut my sons social life for an 'if'.

I suggest you print the above out, tape it where you can clearly read it over and over and over. :ghug
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:05 PM
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What do you miss about being surrounded by vomit and having someone spit in your hair? I don't understand this at all.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Sadending View Post
I really am contemplating taking him back. I am such a sad sack.
Maybe this is something that needs to be done so you'll be sure. Only you know.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:11 PM
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I don't know

Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
What do you miss about being surrounded by vomit and having someone spit in your hair? I don't understand this at all.
I hear you loud and clear. I don't understand it myself. It's not as if his input into my life was all that much, more of a sick to my stomach feeling when drinking days were coming (he drank of the weekend when he was here) I don't know what my problem is. I seem to dwell on the good times, more then the bad. It's my inner protection. I think I need to go back to the drawing board and figure out my desire to want this in my life.

Thank you
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:13 PM
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Beileve me, I spent many MANY years before I was ready to start looking at why I wanted that sort of thing in my life!

You're way ahead of me, gal! :ghug :ghug
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:18 PM
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Some people find it helpful to make a list of all the good things vs. all the bad things he brought to your life. I didn't bother. The bad stuff far outweighed the good.

The longer I maintained my no-contact policy, the easier it was for me to think more clearly. The moment I started feeling sorry for my AB, the urge to rescue him would take over and I would backslide.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:40 PM
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I always knew that I needed to wait 24-48 hours before making any major decisions regarding my exAH. After the alloted "wait" time I was back to my senses, or more had revealed itself, and I didn't take him back. I'm very glad to this day.

You don't have to do ANYTHING that doesn't feel right, 100% right, in your gut. If it is causing you anxiety, it is NOT the right decision. Trust your body.
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:06 AM
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He is 800 miles away..

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
is there any reason you two can't continue the current set up - ie separate residences and WORK on this stuff? if he is serious, it won't matter WHERE he is............matter of fact, he COULD be taking charge of his life right NOW...besides the texts and the emails what ACTIONS is he actively pursuing? what change do you SEE?

i totally agree with peace....give yourself 24-48 hrs before making ANY decision......try not to REACT, try not to operate from an EMOTIONAL base, but a rational one.....

anvilhead, I only know what he is telling me. He said he is working a program by himself. (I sent him a package with an AA book, a bible, Dr Phil book, and the Lucinda Bassett program) He lives with his Mom several states away. The text and e-mail still revolve around what I need to do and he has briefly mentioned that he needs to see what his underlying problem is. He said he is just at his Mom's, not having a life and trying to work on himself.

I didn't take his call because I didn't want to be emotional and react with my heart, instead of taking the time to think. He did text me again before I signed offline last night and I asked him what is different after 4 months, as to why he thinks it's time to come home. He didn't direct answer, instead he said are you over your mistrust of men? if you are then I will come home. I didn't answer, I let it go and went to bed.

His initial plan for himself was to stay at his Mom's until my son graduates so he isn't involved with the stress of raising a teen, or being part of that. (2 years) That selfish act is enough to blow my mind. He also said 'you have been in a relationship your entire life, why don't you take a breather from a relationship and figure out where your problems lie, and then we can regroup and have a happy life together'
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Sadending View Post
He repeted, you can do what you want, it is your life, but you can't hear yourself over the last 6 times he has left you and you are crying, in so much pain, nearly suicidal, but I have heard you..
I noticed that when I started listening to myself and believing I deserved better - actually feeling it - I didn't want him back nearly as much.

It was one of many lightbulb moments I've had over the past couple years when I realized that how I saw myself was less of a person than how others saw me.

Like so many have said - it's tru - when you've had enough, you'll quit him.

It's tough - stay strong and hang in there ((()))
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:45 AM
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If he is still blaming you for everything that, in his mind, "went wrong" with your relationship, and if he continues to contact you even though you have asked him not to, then do you really think he has changed?

I mean, how DARE you have a teenaged child, sadending! How dare you want close relationships with family and friends? How dare you want someone to take his share of the responsibility? Or to live a life without being punished.

He is still talking like an abuser and acting like an abuser, and if you allow him back, you will simply sentence yourself to the same life of isolation, abuse, blame, spitting, pushing, drinking, abandonment and torment.

You are still his punching bag. If that is the life you're ready to settle for, then nothing we can say here will keep you from it...as was said above, maybe you need to go through more suffering in order to realize that this relationship is killing you. If, however, you're willing to keep walking through the fear and the cravings, you will find something much, much better.

Have you noticed that the only time you doubt yourself is when you talk to him?

When he TELLS you to doubt yourself?

What does that say about how wise it is to keep texting him?

No contact means no contact. How about giving it a try? Would you recommend to an addict that they "just have a little bit now and then" (like your texts) or would you recommend they withdraw from their drug and get better instead?

Hugs,
GL

Last edited by GiveLove; 11-12-2008 at 07:15 AM.
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Old 11-12-2008, 07:34 AM
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I asked him what is different after 4 months, as to why he thinks it's time to come home. He didn't direct answer, instead he said are you over your mistrust of men? if you are then I will come home. I didn't answer, I let it go and went to bed.
Sounds like he is still thinking this is your fault to me. Just like my AW. She doesn't have the problem, I do. All of her alcoholic friends agree so it must be true!
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Sadending View Post
He also said 'you have been in a relationship your entire life, why don't you take a breather from a relationship and figure out where your problems lie, and then we can regroup and have a happy life together'
Say "sounds great. Let's talk in 2 years."
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:28 AM
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I agree with give love and Denny.

Reasure yourself and have him come for a visit for two weeks. Maybe you'll realize you gave it all away for a reason. They do not change that fast, they only get better at manipulating you. YOU become the game.If he were honestly working a program he would be telling you "hey, when I've hit a year in recovery I'd like to take you on a date and see where we stand" He'd care more about NOT hurting you and not be so eager to go back and live with you.
Why is he not trying to protect you? Why isn't he telling YOU that living together until he is better not happening? He knows he is your weakness but he is playing that card. I'm sorry but a man that loves you would not want you to hurt anymore, he would recover on his own. He is too over confident.
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Old 11-12-2008, 08:23 PM
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Sadending -- I keep fighting through this last phase of no contact myself. I keep calling it "50 last dates," because the story always ends the same way and I am the one who gets hurt.

I keep reminding myself the life he's offering me is the same old BS that I've lived for 21 years, and reminding myself that I have the strength to shed the old and familiar and to forge a new, unknown adventure with my kids and myself. The road less traveled is unfamiliar and scary, but ultimately I believe, will be a better place to be.

Stay strong. Forgive yourself for making mistakes and forgive yourself for breaking your no contact rules and talking to him. If you're like me -- I seem to have to receive the same, dense messages over and over again. One of these days, the message will stick!
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Old 11-13-2008, 03:46 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support. I needed to hear much of what was said here, GiveLove, wow, I REALLY needed to hear (read) the cold hard truth. And basically I am like the alcoholic, instead he is my addiction. He is no good for me, I keep going back and forth on this when I KNOW I am not losing anything, by losing him.

Beaglebaby, I am thick headed and down right insane over this at times. It will always be the same way with him, I can't see him making a difference. I want to believe him and that is where my problem is. I am use to shouldering the blame (as sslusser is hearing from his AW) and I am tired. It may be only 3 years with my AXBF, but prior to that it was 23 yrs with the AXH

I am still in the anxiety stage from yesterday, due to speaking to him on the phone and him screaming at me and saying just terrible things. They keep haunting me and going over and over in my mind.

I am going to go cold turkey and leave it at that. "50 Last Dates", yes, it will always turn out this way. I see it but I always dream of a different outcome.
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