Aquarian

I went to my first al-anon meeting since I’ve lived in AZ (6 years). I went because I screamed to loud and long I got winded and hurt my voice.

I have been on a rollercoaster for years with my AH. At the end of Aug. I went out of town and KNEW in my gut something bad was happening at my house.

When AH picked me up at the airport, he looked like death warmed over, maybe the worst I have seen him. He came home and flopped on the couch (not like him). I waited for a few days hoping he would for ONCE come to me with something on what’s up.

No - I had to confront, yell and eventually threaten. He admitted to drinking WAY too much and now knows, because of my yelling (?) that he needs to stop drinking. We argued for days, he pleaded, cried, begged and promised… Because we have over 20 years and I love him I decided to try it ‘one last time’. I made it perfectly clear that this was IT. I can’t keep going through this, don’t want it or deserve it.

I was a bit stuck on the fact that the decision to quit, didn’t originate with him. I have said – it has to be the strong desire from within to quit (and even then it’s not always successful). I said he can’t quit because I threaten to leave, I doubt it could work.

In past fights, I have said – “now if there’s anything I need to know, this is the time and place. I can work through most anything, but if/when I hear crap down the road from other sources then I FREAK because of the betrayal”. He had nothing else to say.

We had 2 wonderful, calm peaceful months then. He went to meetings, seemed to be getting well. We seemed to be connecting and re-creating a good life like we once had. We were happier than we had been in quite some time.

Last Sunday I ran into a friend of his and he was drunk and accidentally let out secrets that he thought I knew about. When I was out of town the friend, a bimbo and my husband did coke at my kitchen table!!

I am so incredibly mad! My AH had a ‘problem’ with coke when he was young and did it once in early dating 22 years ago. I said I won’t tolerate it and if it’s his thing, we cannot date. He promised to never touch it.

Now I wonder did the girl stay over? Does he have a secret sex life too? I don’t trust anything anymore.

I am so hurt by the lies! I don’t know if he knows how to tell the truth.

The last week has been crappy, tense and terrible. He’s going to many meeting, meeting with his sponsor, and made an appt. with an Alcoholic and lying psychologist. He’s been begging, crying, promising he will tell the truth.

I am SO scared to even consider entering back in to the marriage and trying again and I am SO scared of splitting up. My life feels horrible and confusing. I will go to Monday al-anon meeting. I know there’s no magic answers here.

Any ideas would be appreciated, thanks for letting me vent!

Chrysalis123

Welcome Aquarian....glad to "meet" you. I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling. You have a lot going on. I was in a different situation but I had the same fear and confusion and what I did was to not make a decision right then. I decided not to decide! In the meantime I sought counseling, attended Alanon, and found this board and spent time each day reading about others' experience, strength, and hope. I also started to take care of me. Some days all I could do was to take a walk, but as the days passed I realized I was taking better care of me. I realized I had I lost myself in the insanity of alcoholism/codependency.

Keep coming back, read the stickies at the top of this forum, and be kind to yourself today.

cassandra2

Enough is Enough when you decide enough.

I went almost no contact with my exabf and I have trouble with it but know that its the best thing to do in my situation. Hearing about how great his life is makes me sick so in order to protect my feelings and my emotions I did it.

I cant even begin to imagine spending 20 years with someone but can you imagine spending the next 20 feeling like you do now? Maybe I am way off here but it doesnt look like things are going that great to begin with. Maybe just maybe if you walk away (temporarily for now) and give him the chance to suffer consequences of HIS actions maybe he will surrender to recovery. Maybe not. But ask yourself this which will be easier for you to live with? I cant tell you to stay or go. I think you know what you need to do its just to painful to admit it.

That was the chance that I took. For my own sanity and because of my small children I felt it was the only option. Tell yourself its over....for now....
I know the pain that comes with walking away cause I am living that each and everyday but I know the pain your in is not going to go away as long as your with an addict.

It still hurts me to see him but not as much as it hurt to see him and know that my life was falling apart too.

I pray for all of us here today. And hope that whatever you decide to do you will be at peace with....

Everlong

Like what Cassandra2 says, enough is when you say enough. You need to ask yourself, if I return to this relationship will it brake me or am I codependent? If one of these questions you ask yourself answers yes, then you have a long hard decision to make. And you are 100% right about your AH needing to quit because he wants to, not because he thinks you want him to (no matter how true that is). My dad did that. It worked for a few years and he started drinking again and now it is worse than before.

I'm happy you've come to this site, it's really great, everyone here wants to listen to you rather than put their two cents in on what they think of the alcoholic or drug abuser in your family. It is a nice support system.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your situation. Never be afraid to post anything--you'll soon find you are not alone--even the slightest.

denny57

Not sure it really matters at this point.

But this does.

I went through something very similar and my heart goes out to you. I never trusted xAH again. Yet my marriage did not end for another 4 years.

FormerDoormat

As far as my boyfriend was concerned, I learned it was safe to assume two things:

(1) he was always under the influence of alcohol
(2) he rarely told the truth

I, too, was afraid to continue my relationship with him and afraid to end it as well. But fear kept stuck in a miserable relationship with him for 22 years. I never did muster up the courage to leave. Instead, I took a leap of faith that everything would work out OK for me and I ended the relationship two years ago.

It was the best decision I ever made. Today my life is peaceful and predictable. I'm happy and healthy again and look forward to each new day. I only wish I'd taken that leap of faith years ago. It would have saved me and my daughter a lot of misery.

Welcome to the forum, I hope you'll stick around and learn and share and grow.

sslusser

Hi Aquarian. I am sorry for your pain and can empathize.

As much as we want to hold on to those 20 years (I had been with my AW for 22) we have to think of our future. What do we want the next 2 to be like?

In my case I realized that we did have a lot of good times and I will always have those joys. That person I married and had those good times with is gone though and left this really bad replacement in her place. After countless quit then fall cycles the pattern became apparent. We have to ask ourselves can I live with this person? The person right in front of me without wishing or hoping for change in them.

They become different people and it is sad because they look like the old person, they sound like the old person but they are different. The person I married did not lie to me. The person I married could look after our children. The person I married cared if I was sad.

You will know when you have had enough. Trust yourself.