Reaching my breaking point
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Reaching my breaking point
Hi all. My life is a total mess right now. My older brother, F., abuses alcohol and I just don't think I can be around it anymore, not with everything else that's going on.
For months, I didn't notice. I didn't care. Then one night he got REALLY drunk, acted very bizarre and that's all I can associate with it anymore. He doesn't drink much or at all on weekdays, but on weekends...he is loaded the entire time. He goes to bars and lies about it. The entire upstairs REEKS of alcohol. It's disgusting.
He's not violent or reckless. He stays in his room, stomps around, and raves to himself. I have severe anxiety issues and when other people are anxious and acting crazy, it really pushes me over the edge. My mom had a psychotic breakdown when I was seven and when my brother is drunk, it reminds me of that instability, that insanity, that dissolution of everything SHE was. I can't take it. I can't go through something like that again.
My mom died in May of lung cancer. My brother and I still live at home with our dad. (We're in our twenties). I'm in college and he works full time. He thinks he's about to lose his job. We're currently in a huge family feud with my eldest brother, D.. Well, it's mostly me and him.
A few weeks ago, we went up to see him. He took us to some dumb Halloween party and my dad and I left early. We went to pick them up and my brothers were of course drunk. F. was all agitated and upset like he always is when he's drunk, and he puked all over himself and all over my car. I snapped. I said, "I knew this would happen!" and D. screamed at me. I screamed back. I have never screamed at anyone in my entire life, much less D., who I've always been scared of (he's much older, in his forties).
Ever since, it's been all out war. D. thinks I'm trying to control F. F doesn't have a drinking problem; I'm just trying to take over our mom's role, who is, of course, to blame for EVERYTHING according to D., and now I'M to blame for everything. D. drinks, too. He claims that he only drinks once a month, but that's bull. He has sounded drunk on the phone quite frequently lately, and had already been drinking when we arrived at his house that MORNING.
On Monday, I had a huge, huge melt down. D. had called and wasn't mean or antagonistic; he was just himself. I was already very upset because F. had been drunk all weekend. It was his birthday on Sunday, where he was buzzed by ten a.m. and ordered a drink at the restaurant. D. told me, "Lots of people drink. There's nothing wrong with it. SOME PEOPLE need to stop controlling him. I mean, if he's just having a six pack a day, that's fine."
After I got off the phone, I just broke down. I was completely hysterical. My dad brought me to the doctor and now I'm all doped up on medication, but I'm still in a perpetual state of dread. F. didn't drink all week, until last night. One beer after another, stomping around. It didn't matter where I went in the house; I could still hear him. Now some guys from his work are bringing him out tonight for a late birthday celebration. I suspect he'll come home drunk and will drink some more. I don't want to be around that. I can't. But I don't know what to do or where else to go.
To make matters worse, D. wanted to come over this Sunday, so my dad told him how I upset I was. D. got enraged and claimed that we're trying to "push him out of the family." He thinks I'm this awful person, that I'm manipulating everyone. He didn't even care about me. He probably thinks I'm faking my anxiety, too. Like I'd choose to feel this way.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not anymore. My therapist says that I need to just accept my brothers drinking, that there's nothing I can do about it. But my feelings have slipped beyond my control. It doesn't matter how much I try to rationalize the situation. These feelings of panic and despair will not subside. I just want some stability in my life. Dealing with my mother's absence is bad enough. I can't take anymore sadness but it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter.
For months, I didn't notice. I didn't care. Then one night he got REALLY drunk, acted very bizarre and that's all I can associate with it anymore. He doesn't drink much or at all on weekdays, but on weekends...he is loaded the entire time. He goes to bars and lies about it. The entire upstairs REEKS of alcohol. It's disgusting.
He's not violent or reckless. He stays in his room, stomps around, and raves to himself. I have severe anxiety issues and when other people are anxious and acting crazy, it really pushes me over the edge. My mom had a psychotic breakdown when I was seven and when my brother is drunk, it reminds me of that instability, that insanity, that dissolution of everything SHE was. I can't take it. I can't go through something like that again.
My mom died in May of lung cancer. My brother and I still live at home with our dad. (We're in our twenties). I'm in college and he works full time. He thinks he's about to lose his job. We're currently in a huge family feud with my eldest brother, D.. Well, it's mostly me and him.
A few weeks ago, we went up to see him. He took us to some dumb Halloween party and my dad and I left early. We went to pick them up and my brothers were of course drunk. F. was all agitated and upset like he always is when he's drunk, and he puked all over himself and all over my car. I snapped. I said, "I knew this would happen!" and D. screamed at me. I screamed back. I have never screamed at anyone in my entire life, much less D., who I've always been scared of (he's much older, in his forties).
Ever since, it's been all out war. D. thinks I'm trying to control F. F doesn't have a drinking problem; I'm just trying to take over our mom's role, who is, of course, to blame for EVERYTHING according to D., and now I'M to blame for everything. D. drinks, too. He claims that he only drinks once a month, but that's bull. He has sounded drunk on the phone quite frequently lately, and had already been drinking when we arrived at his house that MORNING.
On Monday, I had a huge, huge melt down. D. had called and wasn't mean or antagonistic; he was just himself. I was already very upset because F. had been drunk all weekend. It was his birthday on Sunday, where he was buzzed by ten a.m. and ordered a drink at the restaurant. D. told me, "Lots of people drink. There's nothing wrong with it. SOME PEOPLE need to stop controlling him. I mean, if he's just having a six pack a day, that's fine."
After I got off the phone, I just broke down. I was completely hysterical. My dad brought me to the doctor and now I'm all doped up on medication, but I'm still in a perpetual state of dread. F. didn't drink all week, until last night. One beer after another, stomping around. It didn't matter where I went in the house; I could still hear him. Now some guys from his work are bringing him out tonight for a late birthday celebration. I suspect he'll come home drunk and will drink some more. I don't want to be around that. I can't. But I don't know what to do or where else to go.
To make matters worse, D. wanted to come over this Sunday, so my dad told him how I upset I was. D. got enraged and claimed that we're trying to "push him out of the family." He thinks I'm this awful person, that I'm manipulating everyone. He didn't even care about me. He probably thinks I'm faking my anxiety, too. Like I'd choose to feel this way.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not anymore. My therapist says that I need to just accept my brothers drinking, that there's nothing I can do about it. But my feelings have slipped beyond my control. It doesn't matter how much I try to rationalize the situation. These feelings of panic and despair will not subside. I just want some stability in my life. Dealing with my mother's absence is bad enough. I can't take anymore sadness but it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sarah,
Have you considered exploring ways to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation?
Your therapist is right: you can't change your brother's drinking choices. We have a thing here called the three C's: You didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.
When I couldn't deal with my family's alcohol-related feuds, chaos, and anxiety any more, a friend of the family suggested that maybe, instead of staying in this place of depression and anger all the time, I try to find a way to get away from it so I could see it from a distance rather than from ground zero.
I assured her there was no way -- I was in college, working two jobs, etc etc.
But the longer I stayed, the more miserable I got, until finally, when an opportunity to share a big house with two other women came up, I just went out on a limb and did it. And you know what I found?
Relief. Intense, delicious relief. I could feel what I felt, without someone constantly telling me I was wrong. I wasn't hearing the sounds of the fighting and the bottles opening all the time. I wasn't having to see the horrors that alcohol visit on people every day, day in and day out, like some kind of perverse military torture.
Just give it a thought, even if you feel there's nothing you can do about it right now. You may have to give up a few comforts or work a little harder, but I can't tell you how worth it it is, I swear. Distance can take you to a place where you can get your life and your happiness back, regardless of what your brothers choose to do.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine a long time ago, and even then it took years to really heal from her loss. The stress of this AND the alcoholic problems in your family have to be a huge burden on you. Consider ALL the ways you can detach from what is -- really -- your brother's problem, not yours.
Hugs,
GL
Have you considered exploring ways to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation?
Your therapist is right: you can't change your brother's drinking choices. We have a thing here called the three C's: You didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.
When I couldn't deal with my family's alcohol-related feuds, chaos, and anxiety any more, a friend of the family suggested that maybe, instead of staying in this place of depression and anger all the time, I try to find a way to get away from it so I could see it from a distance rather than from ground zero.
I assured her there was no way -- I was in college, working two jobs, etc etc.
But the longer I stayed, the more miserable I got, until finally, when an opportunity to share a big house with two other women came up, I just went out on a limb and did it. And you know what I found?
Relief. Intense, delicious relief. I could feel what I felt, without someone constantly telling me I was wrong. I wasn't hearing the sounds of the fighting and the bottles opening all the time. I wasn't having to see the horrors that alcohol visit on people every day, day in and day out, like some kind of perverse military torture.
Just give it a thought, even if you feel there's nothing you can do about it right now. You may have to give up a few comforts or work a little harder, but I can't tell you how worth it it is, I swear. Distance can take you to a place where you can get your life and your happiness back, regardless of what your brothers choose to do.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine a long time ago, and even then it took years to really heal from her loss. The stress of this AND the alcoholic problems in your family have to be a huge burden on you. Consider ALL the ways you can detach from what is -- really -- your brother's problem, not yours.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My therapist says that I need to just accept my brothers drinking, that there's nothing I can do about it.
I agree with this. But maybe you're unsure what is possible by accepting.
I accept that my brothers are alcoholics.
I do not ALLOW myself to be treated poorly, lured into any of their drama.
I do not enable them by supporting them financially OR by engaging in any kind of conversation or argument that allows them to talk about drinking, rationalize their drinking, blame anything or anyone for their drinking. All that stuff is "quacking" and I learned in AlAnon that if I even give the time of day to their quacking I am enabling them. So I ignore it or leave the room.
Sarah-- I also was making myself very very sick by being around and engaging with and trying to figure out my alcoholic brothers and why they think or do what they think or do.
In AlAnon I learned to accept that they are alcohloics. And they are just doing what alcoholics do. And I try (it is HARD) to mainatin my sanity and health by keeping my boundaries in place - and I do not expect anything on the scale of "rational" or "normal" with them.
I send them my love and i pray for their strength and health.
Mostly I stay far away and out of hearing range - they are toxic to me.
That's accepting reality for me....
Please take care of yourself- it sounds like being around this dynamic is so very dangerous and unhealthy for you-- your body is telling you that!! Believe it!!
Peace-
B.
I agree with this. But maybe you're unsure what is possible by accepting.
I accept that my brothers are alcoholics.
I do not ALLOW myself to be treated poorly, lured into any of their drama.
I do not enable them by supporting them financially OR by engaging in any kind of conversation or argument that allows them to talk about drinking, rationalize their drinking, blame anything or anyone for their drinking. All that stuff is "quacking" and I learned in AlAnon that if I even give the time of day to their quacking I am enabling them. So I ignore it or leave the room.
Sarah-- I also was making myself very very sick by being around and engaging with and trying to figure out my alcoholic brothers and why they think or do what they think or do.
In AlAnon I learned to accept that they are alcohloics. And they are just doing what alcoholics do. And I try (it is HARD) to mainatin my sanity and health by keeping my boundaries in place - and I do not expect anything on the scale of "rational" or "normal" with them.
I send them my love and i pray for their strength and health.
Mostly I stay far away and out of hearing range - they are toxic to me.
That's accepting reality for me....
Please take care of yourself- it sounds like being around this dynamic is so very dangerous and unhealthy for you-- your body is telling you that!! Believe it!!
Peace-
B.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
