denny57

I wouldn't say you are forcing him to do anything. I would consider looking at what IS being done - telling him he needs to get help; calling in-patient for him - leaving multiple messages; discussing it with his mom; saying he NEEDS to worry about his life (whether he wants to or not) and asking myself - am I trying to set rules and regulations for someone else's life?

Just because someone isn't doing what I think is best for their life doesn't mean they aren't doing exactly what they WANT to. It also doesn't matter if I don't feeling I'm being controlling, but whether the other person feels they are being controlled.

NeedHelp81

There's a point where ADVICE and CONTROLLING really ARE 2 DIFFERENT things. I tell him to worry about his life - because he's wayyy to busy worrying about what Im going to do when he gets into recovery. I haven't gone to his mother because everyone on here told me I shouldn't. I went to him and told him I will give him the papers and when HE decides to get help he can approach her about the situation. The leaving voicemails thing was me returning her calls to give her my address.

I am doing this because he WANTS treatment. He told me again last night. I am simply getting him the resources that he may CHOOSE to use or not. He feels it is out of reach and the farthest I go will be doing this to show him it isn't.

That's what I am trying to get through on here. He wants treatment, but doesn't want to be alone. He wants me to go, when I simply don't need it.

denny57

I hear you - but why is it you giving him advice and him trying to set rules for you? What differentiates the two?

NeedHelp81

Because he is telling me that he will ONLY do something, if I do something as well. There is nothing about what I am giving him advice about that changes what I do.

denny57

Ok, so now what are you going to do since that's his response?

NeedHelp81

Leave it at that. Give him the papers just like I would have in the first place. I am not going to let him make me feel like since I wont do something is the reason he dies. He wants to put the pressure on me so I can be the one he can blame for not getting help. Well, Im not stupid and neither is he - and I know that we BOTH know, that this isn't the case - that it is his CHOICE not to go if he so chooses.

Pajarito

Why can't you let him help himself?
In my experience, he will find something to blame you for no matter what you do. If he goes and fails, he'll blame you for forcing him to go when he wasn't ready. He's already putting the burden on you to go too- or he won't.
Do you see the manipulation? He doesn't want to go. Until he gets his butt up and decides for himself to go- on his own- it won't work. He knows you have the papers. He knows how much trouble you are going to. He's a grown man. He can make calls, get papers, and get himself to treatment- if and when he chooses.

Freedom1990

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was watch both of my adult ADs make poor decisions, and sit on my hands and shut my mouth.

Right or wrong, they are both adults, and I won't take away their dignity of making their own decisions.

pauldalisa

My hubby was worried that I would hang with someone else while he was in also. He also thought I would divorse him and take the kids while he was gone. Stipulations he did give me, but they were things I could live with to get him to agree to go to treatment. I took the kids to his moms house for "safety" (to keep me from taking them) I called him every night and was available for any and all calls from him while he was in treatment. This made him feel more comfortable. I have not had a drink since WAY before he went to treatment because I realized that if I wanted him to succeed, how could I expect that if I flaunted it infront of him?

TTOSBT

Hey, you know me too!

By the way, even if you were putting yourself into recovery, you could not go together, so he needs to move on from that.

NeedHelp81

I know we couldn't go together.

Here's the thing Pajarito. I will take that extra step. Whether it is right or wrong as defined by Al-Anon or whatever it may be. I will do that for my own peace of mind.

I agree that if he is in recovery I will NOT be drinking because that just doesn't seem right to me. I know what what he was getting at. I just spoke with a counselor at this place and I learned alot. I will do what is necessary in a gentle way to get him help. If it is OBVIOUS that he will NOT go and doesn't desire help, then I will leave it alone. But at this point in time he has expressed it so often to me, that I am willing to go ahead and do what I need. I know he's a big boy, I know he is an adult. But I am too and sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands when it is due and youre the stronger one.

Ago

this is just my experience, but:

I didn't care about "your" drinking when I was drinking and I cared less about it after I got sober.

"your" drinking has never interested me.

"Your" being who I was involved with when I got sober, and any of my friends that found it necessary to explain their drinking to me after I got sober.

When it was time for me to get sober, I could have been on alone with Noah on Noah's Ark (he was a drunkard remember) and it would have made no difference to me.

When I got sober (both times.../scratches head haha) I was dating someone who drank, and for me, I didn't care if they drank or not, had it in the house or not etc, I got sober for me, and any "program" that relies on "shielding" the "recoverer" is doomed to failure IMO

I even kept my job as a bartender when I got sober.

That's just my experience, but I do want to say there has been some very insightful observations that I actually agree with in response to this thread and by no means do I mean to minimize those, I'm just stating what my experience was when I got sober.

My girlfriend when I first got sober had actually spent two years "recommending" or "advising" or whatever that I quit drinking, and all it did was make me really dislike her....a lot...and go to the bar every night and drink more to escape the tyranny of a woman who "nagged" me all the time to quit drinking hahahahaha.

50% of all bar conversations are about "wives that don't understand" I swear hahahahahaha

The next few years after I got sober I spent with her she just kept "raising the bar" and finding new ways for me to "improve my life", so after 2 years, I had quit drinking, smoking, quit sculpting (which I loved) got a "higher prestige job" gone back to college, had become a neat freak, worked out regularly....it was never enough, there was always "one. more. thing."

By the time I left her I heartily hated and loathed her with every fiber of my being. I even asked her, if you hate me so much, why did we just spend 8 years together, she responded with "you had such great potential" like I was some F'ing used car she could fix up or something.

although, by the time I left I was a non smoker, non drinker, with a great job, physically fit, clean freak, with a couple of minor college degrees...hahahaha, very house broken...although I have to admit, all that didn't stick..../sigh....now I'm a fat old guy looking for a job.....hahahaha

sorry, having too much fun here.../gets serious and puts on a stern face

anyhow, that's my experience.

NeedHelp81

HAHAHA. Thanks AGO. I appreciate hearing what your experience was. You don't sound like the controlling type - T has a lot of issues deep down that need to be worked on and brought to the surface so he can say that everything everyone else does is not in anyway out to get him.....

He's very insecure!

NoelleR

There are a lot of old sayings that I love, but my favorite is (paraphrased here), "Your actions are so loud I can't hear a word you're saying." (o:

Yes, I know your 'T' has told you he wants help, that he know he needs help, but his actions.............? To me, and some others here, his actions are saying that he doesn't want to change; he just wants to get you .... 'off his back' (so to speak). Now, I could be wrong, but I bet that if you told him 'ok' that you'd go with him; you went and packed two bags (one for him, and one for you); put them by the front door; got your coats and said, "OK, we're ready; let's go....." I'm sure he'd have a new issue (excuse) that would keep him from leaving......gotta mow the lawn....? the dog needs a bath....?

Like I said, I could be wrong, but don't just dismiss what some folks here have said just because of what 'T' might have said.....stop listening to his words and listen to his actions (or lack thereof) for a bit.

Oh heck, who knows.....lol I just know that it wasn't the man handing me his business card with AA phone numbers on it while I was awaiting for the judge to pronounce sentence regarding my last arrest that got me to sobriety. It was when I decided that it was TIME. [and that was some few(sic) 24's ago...and ps...that business card is still on the courtroom floor as far as I know....lol]

Here's just hoping that thing work our best for both you and 'T'


NoelleR

NeedHelp81

I have posted a new thread "Update on Treatment Discussion" if you would like to see how it turned out.

He is prepared to go and is contact with his insurance company to see if and how much they would cover.