NeedHelp81

Oh dear! He has lost it - not really, but I cannot understand how these A's minds work!

My friend broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and wanted to talk about it. Her and I went to the bar and talked over 2 drinks. After she felt better she went home, and I went to T's house to stay with him (because he needs a ride to work now because he SHOT his Jeep and now it doesn't run :wtf2)

So I went there we were fine yadda, yadda, yadda. We go to bed and somehow treatment gets brought up in the conversation. Well, apparently he KNOWS that if he went to treatment I would just be out every night partying it up "with dudes" all the time while he is trying to get help. Like I do that anyway?! So, then he goes on telling me that if he goes into treatment then I have to go to. WHAT?! I told him it's his recovery and he needs to do it for him and to quit worrying about everyone else. I got a little heated because, well I don't even have to explain that I am not a frickin A! Then he starts with his favorite "Everyone else sees it too Danielle...." "You were up puking the other night and that means you have a drinking problem!" Yeah I was puking because I ate disgusting pizza with old anchovies!!!! Hahaha.

So I once again told him it was his recovery and he needed to do it for him - NOT ME! I said if you really believe that's how I am than you better re-evaluate our relationship because I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with me if I was really how you said I am. He said "Well, I am going into treatment for US!" And I said oh no no no no no no - "You are going for you! Sure, it might be better for us in the end, but you need to do it for you regardless of whether Im in your life or not."

Blah blah blah, it basically ended with him saying "Well if you're not going then Im not going and it's settled."

:wtf2:


Since when do I have rules to follow? Since when am I a raging alcoholic who needs treatment? That BAFFLED me. Seriously. Who are YOU to tell ME I "have a small drinking problem?"

I do not. Of course when I said that he said it's denial. What a f*cking manipulator (sorry for my language)!!!!!!! How dare he put that on my shoulders so he has an excuse NOT to go!!!! Why the hell does everything have to be about me?!

I just want to be done. I love him, but ugh. When I woke up this morning I looked in his closet and he had 3 shirts hanging. I thought to myself "that is so cute, he's finally hanging his own clothes instead of leaving them everywhere." Really? A 27 year old that attempted organization and cleanliness is CUTE?! Really?

FormerDoormat

Just an observation but these were the same kind of excuses Richard gave me when I suggested that he may have a drinking problem. And he tried to make light of it, too. He also frequently mentioned in conversation that he only had 1-2 drinks, like he knew deep down he had a problem.

NeedHelp81

Hi FD. I have told him that I would like to quit drinking and I have! But that really was the reason - it was old icky pizza that made me sick. Please believe me when I tell you that I know I shouldn't drink as I do - actually I have cut waaaay back. But it's the point that he telling me what to do and if I don't - then he won't help himself. That is NOT my job. I've done what I can - and sh*t if I could blame my drinking on anyone which I know I can't it would be him. I have spent countless days and hours trying to keep up with him so I can be with him all the time. So I can hang out with my BF without him leaving to spend time with his drinking buddies. Instead I got to be one of them too. It's pathetic, but I love this man and I am now seeing that there is no help. Because even if I did agree to quit drinking it would just be something else....

Also, may I ask why you only commented on that part of my post. Why was nothing else worth commenting on?

Pajarito

You're onto something here.

For me, alcoholism was definitely the main focus, but the more I learned, the more intolerable things became. . . everything.

NeedHelp81

Haha. Ya Pajarito. It's funny because when he and I moved into together a year ago (not anymore obviously) I felt sorry for him! Oh poor cute T - he has nothing to contribute. Life handed him a bunch of crappy cards.....

Yeah well now I know. He did this to himself. He loses everything he has or literally destroys it! For fun! Like I said he shot his Jeep! His transportation!!!! He thought it was hilarious, and then the next morning he tested me "I can't do this anymore...."

It makes me wonder what the hell I am doing?! This is him. These are characteritics in him, not THE alcoholism. I'm tired of blaming everything on his drinking problem because it's taking the focus off of who HE is.

TTOSBT

Honey, not really sure what you are doing.
This attitude of his does not look promising.
He is just quacking.
He has to get himself for himself and it has to be about him. You have very little to do with this.
Your drinking is just a distraction. I don't care how much you drink. It is not your life that is completely unmanageable at this point.
IMO it is time to look at detaching....

Pajarito

Exactamundo. There has been many a discussion on this forum about whether bad behavior is a result of alcoholism, or if it's just a trait. Who really cares. I know in my case STBXAH put a cork in it, but didn't do anything productive in recovery- so he was an angry, selfish, man who didn't drink. Who needs it? I decided I didn't. Looking back, I think about how much I expected out of his recovery. IMHO it takes years of solid, hard work to get over some really insidious behavior issues- not only on his part though! ;o) I am seeing that it's going to take me years too, but that's ok- at least I am becoming more aware of the work I need to do. It sounds like you are becoming more aware too- which is a good thing. It's why I brought up the shirts- once I became aware, things started to annoy me more and more. I finally got to the point where I said "enough!"

Now I don't care why he is what he is- I just don't want any part of it- drinking or not, he is selfish and not someone I want to hold my heart.

NeedHelp81

TTOSBT. Thank you! I completely agree! I do...... I can't sit here and wail and whine about how hard it is - you all know how hard it is. DUH!


This woman at the treament place never returned my calls or answered, I have left her 2 voicemails Since Monday.

Is it ok to detach at a later date? I guess it is, since it is a process? I want to get him the papers and then if he refuses (maybe I should say WHEN he refuses) I will detach.

It's funny to me the things he says, because after he says it - he's like "Honey, Im sorry. I know I need help, Ill get it."

FormerDoormat

You're right, he shouldn't be telling you what to do.

I pulled that section from your post because there have been times where I'd like to ask folks a hard question about myself (like am I overweight, do I wear too much makeup, am I overbearing, etc.) but I'm afraid to hear the answers, so I take an opportunity where someone has criticized me about one of my perceived shortcomings (usually my eating problem) and turn it around as if to ask, "can you imagine the gall?"

That way, I can open the door to getting feedback from my friends and family without actually asking them the question directly. So the quote I pulled made me wonder if deep-down you believe you might have an alcohol problem, too. Hence, my response.

By the way, it takes courage to ask the question you just asked me. I'm proud of you.

NeedHelp81

Exactly. VERY selfish. It's such a great defense mechanism for them too! I NEVER have looked at him and said "You are a SELFISH alcoholic, who thinks he's better than everyone!" Because I don't want to hurt his feelings. They enjoying sitting on their pity pot because it keeps them free from not only hearing, but feeling the guilt, shame, hurt that they put on those around them....

Stupid eggshells. I HATE walking on them.

NeedHelp81

Maybe that is the case, I don't know. It sort of seems like if I feel I can talk about it openly, then isn't considered a problem , because I am not hiding it. Ya know what I mean? I could quit - because I have before, but I do not know ANYONE that doesn't drink. Not one person. My dad (who I live with now) drinks all the time! Always drunk at home - happy drunk, but nevertheless - still drunk.

I guess I just always thought that if T got help, I'd stop drinking too and we could have a good life together - as the only 2 non-drinkers we know!

Silverberry1331

I may have some insight into this....I had alot treatment places, therapists, etc, who did not call me back either. I believe that this is because those people recognized two things: 1) the A is not the main force behind this treatment seeking. 2) the codie is trying to force a solution (and you know us codies...we can be persistent and pushy to the point of annoyance). :codiepolice

Whenever Don had an occasional moment of clarity and called for treatment, he got an immediate response.

Yes, you can detach anytime you want...no rules

Don't listen to the quack...I got the same, THE SAME, crap about my "drinking problem".

NeedHelp81

Hello SILVERBERRY!

No, she is just the financial lady who was sending me financing papers and a list of open beds. Se called Friday, but since I was with T when she called, I felt it was better not to answer - since he had no clue I was talking to them. I already talked to the counselor guy, and he was very nice.
Maybe she's on vacation or something????

Have you ever heard of Forever Recovery? It sounded nice..... lots of different spiritual, religious, and holistic options. Plus personal trainers and gyms and stuff? Anyone know anything about them?

liesagain

needhelp,

I understand that your post was about him telling you what to do but then it seems to lean towards you and if drinking is a problem for you............

the following are 6 statements from your posts
1. I have told him that I would like to quit drinking and I have
2. Please believe me when I tell you that I know I shouldn't drink as I do - actually I have cut waaaay back
3.I have spent countless days and hours trying to keep up with him so I can be with him all the time. So I can hang out with my BF without him leaving to spend time with his drinking buddies. Instead I got to be one of them too.
4.It sort of seems like if I feel I can talk about it openly, then isn't considered a problem , because I am not hiding it.
5.I could quit - because I have before, but I do not know ANYONE that doesn't drink.
6.I guess I just always thought that if T got help, I'd stop drinking too

I am not trying to be mean but I wanted to point out some things from your posts...........things that I've seen and heard from the active addicts in my life..........
the I CAN quit, or if such and such happens I'd quit, or I dont hide it so its not a problem, Trying to control the use ...saying I've cut wayyyy back, or I've quit before but started again, and the looking at others..like saying.....everyone I know does it

Maybe you dont have a problem but my gut feeling is that if you are rationalizing, making ecuses, looking at others, tring to cut back, have Quit only to restart.......then maybe theres more of an issue than you think

It may be true that hes just using you to take the focus off himself but is it worth it to just dismiss it as that when your statements appear to say its more?

Best wishes to you, all said out of concern.............

NeedHelp81

Hi Liesagain.

Thank you for your reply. I know all the things I said. It's not mean for you to point it out - don't worry! I do not what I said though, and as of now I am not worried about it. Truly. I thank you very much for your concern, and I am sure there is an issue - I guess I was just pissed that HE off all people is the one to be like "Well, you have a problem LIKE I do!"

Do not compare to me to yourself is what I wanted to scream! My life is manageable, I drink only 1-2 X week - I dont smoke crack atleast 3 times a week and Im NOT drunk everyday! It just seemed insulting and manipulative the things he said and the way he said them, ya know?

It's like if you were jut laid off you're job or something and a bum told YOU to get a job! Ugh.

liesagain

Needhelp

Of course it would be insulting I completely understand that.
My husband is an addict and I know the blame game very well.

I guess the reason I responded to your post is because its really not unusual for the spouse/partner/ girlfriend of an addict or alcoholic to get dragged along with the addict/alcoholic

sometimes its because we tried to "keep up" with them
and sometimes we seek out something to help us cope with the hurt and pain, and sometimes innocent things turn into problems when combined with the stresses of having an addict in ones life.

Only you know if somethings becoming a problem for you or not. Take care of yourself .............

denny57

Since when does he?

He's 27 years old and entitled to live life exactly as he sees fit.

NeedHelp81

Ok....????? That's my point. I am not forcing him to do anything differently. Why is that relevant?

prodigal

You mentioned you know don't anybody who doesn't drink. Back in the days when I was married to exAH, everybody was into drinking to some extent; some to the point of being A's, some not.

You don't know me f-2-f, but if you want to say you "know" somebody who does not drink, you can mention me.

I don't drink.

As far as your bf wanting you to get into treatment too before he will go ... the last time I thought about it, I realized recovery is not subject to negotiation.

NeedHelp81

Sooo true! That's what I was trying to say to him. I wanted to tell him - Yes I drink, but I don't have an issue with it. I didn't say it because I am so absolutely terrified of hurting his feelings that I never say anything like that.

I wish he knew - well, I am sure he does. Just hurts him to much to admit that he isn't like "everyone else."

Thank you Prodigal - You're right. You don't drink, and I DO know you.

There is nothing negotiable about it. That's why all I said was "I'm giving you the papers, and you decide what to do with them regardless of who's doing what in THEIR lives, you need to worry about YOURS!" Ugh. So thick-headed.