cem001

I get on this forum to help me with my recovery process. But it seems as though there are a few that are totally obsessed with themselves.

It seems that when I check in I loose my sanity.

I understand with having a RAH that in the first part of recovery you go through major changes.

But no matter how many times people are told, YOU DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE. You are choosing to ignore what your being told, still yet you continue to keep asking the same questions.

You can not anticipate what will happen. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Freedom1990

It's uncanny that you posted this because I have been thinking the exact same thing since I logged on this morning!

I find that's usually God's way of nudging me into recharging my spiritual battery, so to speak, and I need to take a break from what is bringing me down.

I've got a full day of college work to do, and by golly I think I will just get busy now!

ToughChoices

Hi, cem!

Sorry that you're having a hard time.

It sounds like you're saying that you are feeling frustrated by the repetition in other people's posts. Is that correct?

It can be hard for me to see other people stuck in the kind of thinking that held me back for so long.
Sometimes I want to be able to wave the "magic wand of recovery" for them, so that they can save themselves all the fumbling around in the darkness.

It takes what it takes - and that is different for everyone.

Take care.

-TC

Lilyflower

It can be frustrating to see others go around the round-a-bout a few times. It can get you down, but it is their journey, their path. We all have to follow our own.

When I feel that way I take a time out, that may last a few weeks lol! You can always choose to ignore posters who you feel are rubbing up the wrong way!

I hope you keep posting, take what you want and leave the rest!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

denny57

Hang in there. I think sometimes it's true and sometimes it perception. I've been here long enough to see the cycles. The forum does seem to be going through one of those cycles right now.

My best suggestion? Don't forget to particpate in the threads that discuss recovery for the affected friend or family member. Keep them alive, post your own thoughts and experience.

((( )))

sodetermined

Well I am probably one of these people that may seem stuck. And maybe I am, maybe I need reminded. I have been thinking the way I have for about 32 years now, and it's very difficult for me sometimes to get away from the way I am thinking, even if I have been told a better way to think. I mean I think we are all at a different place in our recovery, and we all learn at a different pace. We are all different and unique, and certainly maybe some are more stubborn.

lovesmenot74

I'm sure I'm also one of those people - I know I'm stuck and I know I obsess quite a bit about things I can't change but wish I could. I also know that I'm just that kind of person - I need to wallow and really get into and feel what I'm feeling in order to move past it - some things keep me in "that place" for a lot longer than other things but I know that if I try to move past things before I'm ready, they only come back to bite me in the butt later on and I crash, BIG TIME.

I find this forum a wonderful support and a good place for me to vent and obsess and rehash things that I cannot explore with anyone in my physical presence - this is my safe haven and I'm sure it is for a lot of people.

I'm sure that it must be frustrating for people who have been where we are to see some of us stuck and not able to move forward - I can relate those feelings to watching my exabf self-destruct and wanting to shake him until he got it and moved forward and dealt with his issues - but in the end, we all have our own way of dealing with things and our own pace that allows us to move forward - sometimes it's a lot slower than others would like it to be for us ... I'm sure no one here enjoys seeing anyone stuck in the same pain week after week ... but i can say from my own experience that while it may not seem as though I'm moving forward - without this forum and the ability to obsess and rehash my feelings over and over, I would probably be in a mental facility right now. My progress may not be evident in my postings on the forum, but it is measurable to me - I've gone from crying almost the entire day, to periods of sadness and crying - which to some, may not seem like much, but when you're grasping at straws, you'll take what you can get and be thankful for it ...

I for one am hanging onto this forum for dear life ....

*hugz*

Learning how

Cem11, I was at an open AA meeting friday night and there was a woman there from out of town said she was an Alanon but couldn't take going to an Alanon meeting where people were sad and crying, said she needed to hear recovery sort of like what you are saying.

For me my recovery is kind of uneven. Sometimes I think I have it down. I am working the program, detaching where I need to. Other times its like I've opened a door that goes down into some dark, dank basement, and I bounce around in there for awhile until I find the door again.

We are all in different places in the journey.

I've noticed that I get stuck in the same places over and over, and I just don't get what people are trying to tell me. (because my case is so different don't you know)

Thank you all for your posts and helping me.

veryrestless722

i think alot of people are stuck in their situations, which is why they come here looking for a place to vent and seek help. Alot of people may be like me, no one in my family understands what its like to be married to an alcoholic, this is the only place ive found others like me, so i can overlook the ones who are stuck, h*ll maybe im stuck too

cem001

I am not saying that I don't get stuck in the same place time and time again, but I don't continually post on it.

Because believe you me, I am the normal codependant person (well not so much anymore). I lived with an acitve alcoholic for 17 years, and we've been married 21 years.

So I understand the frustration, the concern whether he's going to go back out or not. I don't concentrate on it anymore, I don't wait for the ball to come crashing down. I have my own life, I have to take responsiblity for me.

I am also learning the detachment from kids. They are all teenagers so therefore I am having to learn to detach to let them make their own mistakes.

I am NOT perfect, I DON'T have all the answers (all though I used to think I did), but for the most part I am here looking for sanity. Looking for support when I feel like I am running off path.

I am not pointing fingers at anyone. I enjoy reading about most of your trials because I have been there, done that still doing it.


Nobody in my family could understand why I would stay with a man like that for so long either.

I understand your points, I just feel as though some are a "pitty me" post.

Share your strength, something you did today that you don't normally do. Share your experience so that others may learn. Share your hope so that others might come to find just a little hope in their hell hole of a life. That's where I was 4 years ago. BELIEVE ME, I do understand.

veryrestless722

i get what you were saying, alot of times when i see the repeat posts of people that just seem to really not grasp anything and are going over and over the same thing i just quit reading them , but i do understand them, when my X left the first time i went nuts, so i try to remember even though im getting better alot of other people are just starting their journey and alot of times they just want to vent, cause they really wont listen to any advice, its more they want someone to talk to

im with you though i love reading about others recovery, how their life is moving on despite everything, those are the posts that make me realize one day ill be completely over all of this, im patiently waiting for that day , i like finding other people on here with situations similar to mine, i felt so alone in my pain for so long it was an amazment to realize im not the only crazy person in the world that put up with an alcoholic or that keeps going back to my alcoholic

GiveLove

There are definitely times when I too wish I could control the recovery rate of the people who post here with a "magic recovery wand" (thanks TC)

Some walk in here and basically ask, "huh? take care of mySELF?"; some get stuck at or near the pity pot for a little while; some are in rewind mode, where you play the pain over and over; some are making little or big strides toward a better life; and some have really gotten good at caring for themselves, finally.

And there are some posters here who have been through all the stages, and those are the ones who keep me coming back, because they are living proof that we can ALL get better.

It can be frustrating - and so I am careful not to continue reading certain posts if I feel I'm getting my dander up, because it's not good for them and it's not good for me. I know I am also more patient and more compassionate some days than others. I imagine everyone is.

cem001

Which is kinda where I am. I know certain things that I allow to drive me insane. However I am moving on with the help of my journal, my Al-Anon home group and most important my higher power.

I was on here everday for a while, then the certain posts were getting the better of me, and I didn't read them. But as I struggle in my daily life, I look to this forum for support. I am not getting on about 1 - 3 times a week.

I don't not wish to push anyone in their recovery because thats just what it is "their recovery". I know everyone moves at different speeds. God knows I have been stale for too long.

Thanks for the understanding of needing to vent.

lovesmenot74

Well I cannot speak for anyone but myself, so I will just say that what some may read as me posting the same thing over and over again ... or as a "pity me" post is more likely me feeling very alone and isolated and wanting, needing to feel connected with other people who understand.

As an aside: I'm not assuming you are directing anything at me, I'm just recognizing that I've felt sometimes that I'm asking for the same reassurances over and over from this forum, my friends, my family, my therapist and that even though I realize I'm rehashing things sometimes, it doensn't minimize the fact that I'm reaching out because I need support and understanding on these things again ... and there is nothing wrong with that.

Posting the same feelings over and over and still having people say they understand where I'm coming from DOES HELP ME - it helps me to realize that I'm not crazy when I feel like I'm going insane and cannot turn my brain off. It also helps me to post it and get it out there - I do the same thing journalling but sometimes you need that outside validation of your feelings, even if it's not the first time you've felt that way. Confirmation, validation, and identification with where I'm at and how I'm feeling helps to remind me that my thoughts are normal and just a part of the process. For me, reading the same things from someone who seems "stuck" just reminds me that I'm not the only one who works thru issues, thinks I've resolved them, only to have the very same argument with myself over and over again.

Think about it - many of us have been told over and over again that we're at fault, if we'd only done this, they wouldn't have done that, we've endured repeated attacks and blame-slinging by our A's ... and it took MANY repetitions of this message before we came to believe it ... is it any wonder that we would need constant repetition of the opposite messages in order to undo all of that self-doubt and negative thinking?

I certainly acknowledge your frustration and your right to express your feelings on this forum ... we are all here to get our feelings out and to be heard and validated for how we're feeling - your feelings on this matter are just as valid as anyone else's. I know how frustrating it can be to hear the same problems over and over ... believe me ... I heard it from my ex and was so frustrated that I just wanted to (and have) scream at him to stop feeling sorry for himself and DO something about it ... I've also felt that same frustration with myself when EVERY day I cry for missing someone so desperately and wanting him to call, and then hearing my head yelling - STOP crying over him! He's not worth it!! He treated you like crap and you're still letting him treat you like crap and he's not even HERE anymore!! It is days when those thoughts scream so loudly in my head that I find myself posting here or reading threads over and over of ppl just like me, who are having the same cyclic mental battle.

I hope that one day, rather than coming here FOR support, I will be able to give back all of the support that I'm receiving right now. I would hate to think that anyone would feel as though they could not reach out here for support because they'd already sought support here on the same subject before.

cmc

Me too. I've also learned that what somebody else thinks of me is none of my business.

I am grateful beyond words that when I first came into the rooms of Al-Anon and to here on SR in the FFSA forums in '06; that I was accepted as I was-which was doing the best I could at that time. Without that example of acceptance and respect I would not have learned to practice the 'live and let live' aspect of my own recovery.

I've been coming here a long while now and been in the rooms of Al-Anon, AA and NA where I see the miracle that happens when one drunk helps another, one addict helps another and one codependent helps another. It works in one regard because of the problems shared within each group.

The idea of recovery among peers gives me the grace to accept that whatever I may find irritating or troublesome in somebody else is 99.99% of the time a sure sign that I need to do some similar work on myself.

I don't have the right to make a judgement about someone else's recovery, my part is to share what how it was for me, what I did and how it is now.

Anything beyond that is when I slip into trying to control outcomes for other people, places and things. For me it's a surefire way to very quickly lose my serenity and shift my focus onto what is not in my power to control.

cem001

I have gotten so much out of the post that have been posted here.

[QUOTEwhatever I may find irritating or troublesome in somebody else is 99.99% of the time a sure sign that I need to do some similar work on myself.
][/QUOTE]

I thought that's what recovery was all about, a daily process of inventory of ourselves. I know that I am not perfect, I am human and have "slips", as well as I know everyone else does.

I just find that those who are continually anticipating their out come is not working a program. I am working my program, not perfect by any means, but at least I am giving it 100%.

I from now on will KNOW to skip their post. It's amazing that so many post to this person. Sounds like the codependants in us are trying to fix this persons problems.

GiveLove

When I see people repeatedly trying to help a poster to "see" what they won't/can't yet see, I have this mixed feeling.

Half of me grumbles, "c'mon codies, stop trying to fix", but the other half is just filled with compassion that there are so many people out there who want to help.....and they just keep trying different things, like trying different wrenches trying to find one that actually fits.

Different words, different tactics, different life stories - they're just hoping that something finally resonates and clicks into place like a puzzle piece.

I once watched a team trying to pull a dog out of a well. They tried everything - ropes, harnesses, chains, pulleys - 'til they finally found the thing that worked.

Part of it is definitely codie nature, but part of it might just be love. That's what I like to assume, anyway

Lilyflower

I think this is the best way to keep your own serenity! As I say, sometimes I take a break, life is getting me down, and I am just not ''there'' in my mind to repsond. I know that's no one's caused me to feel that way, it is me, it is my personal thing.

I can get anxious and irritated to be honest from time to time! Heck I wouldn't be human if I didn't. It is also the codie in me. It is that old adage of just listen to me, I know what you should do!!! But it is true that if I get those feelings, it is indicative of a part of me that I still need to do work on.

My recovery work has allowed me to 'see' when I am acting codie, and I know to do a check on myself and take time out if necessary. But that has come after nearly a year of working on me, it has taken a lot of time. So yeah, there may be a slight 'codie to the rescue' thing going on, but I am sure glad that folks who come here in need of an ear find one from someone, rather than none at all.

We all get there when we get there.

Peace and much love all!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx