sodetermined

I am really honestly trying not to obsess as much about Chris. I think I have gotten to the point that I know his life isn't great now, and that he is only hiding his pain with alcohol and this other woman. And also to the point where I'm trying to think about MY life, and how I want to improve things, the first being my relationship with myself and my son.

But my thoughts lately have been along the lines of this:

It wasn't THAT bad with Chris, he had gotten better than what he used to be

Maybe if I would have learned to detach with love, things could have worked out better

Maybe I should have just accepted the way he was, flaws and all, now I'll probably never find love like that again

The ones in bold are the ones that have been going through my mind so much the last 2 days. And I know it isn't healthy to think what if, but at the same time, is there a way to work through these thoughts? Am I making ANY sense at all, to anyone?

I mean it seems that I am having a very hard time remembering how unhappy I was. And to combat this, I have tried reading my old posts, reading old journals/e-mails, but it seems that all I can remember is how he would take care of stuff around the house, how he always cooked for us, how he made me feel so safe, how affectionate he was (and how cold I was back), how positive he could be (even though he could also be very negative). I am totally blaming myself and am having trouble remembering anything bad about him at all!!!! I mean I think part of that is the way he has "trained" me to be, really. He has, over and over, made everything out to be my fault, and wouldn't take responsibility for anything at all. And it's like now that he's gone, I believe it!






After I posted this, I had a thought. I do take responsibility for a fair share of the problems we had (in the form of codependency), and I know that for my own recovery, I NEED to take responsibility for my own issues/problems. I guess the trouble for me is taking responsibility for my part, but yet not beating myself up to think it was totally my fault, and remember that he had issues, too. Make any sense at all?

ToughChoices

A marriage counselor once told me that each person in a relationship is responsible for 50% of the issues/problems.

That was a hard pill for me to swallow.
I either wanted 0% (it was all his fault for being an alcoholic!)
or 100% (how could I have treated him so poorly/allowed myself to have been treated so poorly!).

Funny how few things are as black and white as I used to paint 'em.

Own your stuff and know that there are other people out there who do the same.
That's the kind of love that you have to look forward to!

-TC

sodetermined

Yep, that's what I want, too.

GiveLove

Yes, it's done its job well, huh?

How about this, for a change: Instead of listing all the things HE did right in your mind, how about listing all the things YOU did right. There were a trillion things....why not write them down?

And in every situation, I look back and try to honestly see where I can "do better next time" regardless of who was at fault. I am not laying responsibility for how things worked out, nor building a case for getting back together. I'm just crafting myself, so that my chances for happiness are greater next time. Does that make sense? I turn it all inward, and work on figuring out what kind of person I want to BE. "He" isn't in the equation at all.

This will require you to look past Chris, let him go (happy, unhappy, or whatever he chooses to be) and think about some possibilities for YOU -- like some day having a truly happy and healthy relationship in the future, free of addiction, abuse, and everything else.

It's all about you and your baby boy :ghug3

Freedom1990

That wasn't love. It was a relationship of opportunity for both of you. You thought he could fill your neediness, and he needed an enabler.

I latched onto my second AH like a drowning woman and labeled it 'love'.

Love is kindness, caring, stability, and respect of self and each other.

You're in love with a fantasy, just like I was.

Lilyflower

(((((SC11))))) I so relate to you! We seem to be having a similar journey at the moment!

I am not in that place anymore of balming myself or having difficulty remebering the badness.

It is a strange process. For me at first I was upsetting myself, thinking of how things could've been, how I could've done different, how he could have done different, the things I did wrong etc etc.

Over the months slowly the fog has lifted. My relationship was a trauma to me, and like what I read about traumatic events, your mind goes into a type of shock and you have difficulty remembering the bad events that happened. You go into a form of denial in order for you to cope. I think this happened to me.

As time has gone on I have remembered more and more. Things I had forgotten, and I have slowly come to terms with some of the more negative aspects of life with him.

I know also there are five stages of grief that us humans work through

The Five Stages of the Grief

We don't necessarily go through them in order, and we may bounce around them for a bit before we finally accept and move on.

I know from how I am today that I am successfully working through my anger LOL!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sodetermined

DeVon,

I understand what you are saying, I really do. But to me, it's the only love I know....but maybe "connection" would be a better word? I felt a definite (still feel) connection to him....on many levels, I felt like we were soul mates.

Lily,

I just wonder if they go through this process, too? Because he certainly has no problem blaming me for everything. I mean I honestly wish he would/could realize how some of the things that he did hurt/angered me so much, and for a good reason. I hate to think that right now he's thinking "she didn't do anything right, she treated me horrible". I would like to think that he can look back and have some good thoughts about me, but the way he talked last week I am entirely to blame.

Lilyflower

IMO I don't think they work through the process. They possibly do, although I would guess they get stuck in denial and the negative aspects of the relationship get lumped in with everything else they cannot face and deal with. Just like with the other parts of their life, it was never their fault.

Again IMO they get lost in perpetual victim mode where they cannot accept they had a part to play and that life just keeps dealing them this bad hand of cards, people just keep treating them badly no matter how hard they try.

It is this way with my ex. I know him well enough to say that he would tell you that he loved me and did his best by me right till the end, but that I was not satisfied with how much he tried and what he gave me. That I picked fights with him over anything and everything and then despite his best efforts, I threw him out on the street.

His definition of love and respect is not mine. IMO he has a warped idea of what love is.

So if your ex is anything like mine, he probably does have good thoughts about the relationship, but just cannot get his head around why you weren't happy, and now rather than turning his thoughts to inside of himself and doing some self reflection, he is just staying in denial and anger.

Remember, he is not a healthy guy with 'normal' thought processes, alcohol takes that away.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sodetermined

This sounds very much like Chris.

This really is sounding a lot like how Chris thinks.

I guess I need to remember that he doesn't think like a healthy person, or else I wouldn't be here crying over this stuff!

So I guess my project for this week needs to be to sit down and make a list of the things that I feel I did for him, and for the relationship that were good. And at the same time maybe make of list of thing that he did, that I felt were disrespectful/abusive. This might take some work, because some of the things I think maybe I try and block out, as a way of coping, possibly? Maybe this will help me to be less hard on myself, and more forgiving?

Lilyflower

I think that's a great idea. It does certainly help. Journalling did too. In the melody Beattie book ''codependant no more'' she has little exercises at the end of each chapter. I started doing them, and when I got writing about stuff, more and more would come out.

there is also a really good book, if you cannot get counselling called ''Breaking free: A Recovery Workbook for facing Codependance'' by Pia Mellody, that I find has helped me to uncover a lot of hidden messages in my life, and to come to terms with things.

Remember you are doing wonderfully!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

denny57

(((SC))) I chose to believe those who told me if I kept putting one foot in front of the other I would find happiness, joy and love.

It was true for me, and I believe it will be true for you - just keep the focus on yourself. Anyway, in the end, for me, it really has had nothing to do with xAH and everything to do with me. Thinking I'd never have love like that again (and god, I hope not LOL) - was more about my feelings of self worth. What I was actually saying was not that he was so terrific, but that I was so unlovable I was lucky to have him.

Keep posting- I think you're doing terrific!

lovesmenot74

OMG I'm telling you, you could be IN my head with your posts!! Half the time, I'm about to write a post and I read one of yours and you've already written almost exactly what I'm feeling - it's eerie and comforting at the same time!!

Again, i'm RIGHT where you are and having these exact thoughts and feelings.

And again, I don't have any advice for you - just (hopefully) the comfort of knowing that you're not alone in your thoughts and therefore it MUST have to do with what we've been thru etc ... we can't both be crazy, can we?

*hugz*

sodetermined

lovesmenot74,

Well I am trying my best to address these thoughts. I think I am going to follow GiveLove's advice, and write down the things that I know (in my heart) that I did for the benefit of the relationship. I know they are there, but when you live with an addict/alcoholic they brainwash you to think a certain way, and I honestly feel like I have to try and brainwash myself back the other direction.

Also, I think another thing us codies seem to be good at (you seem to be like me), is minimizing the hurt they caused us, the way they treated us. When I posted the other day, I remembered about Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. They were awful! Chris left me on Christmas day because we can't buy alcohol on Christmas Day and he knew he could go out to his families and drink. I didn't want to go (of course to see him get drunk), so he left me and my son, I was in tears, on Christmas Day. But it's almost like over time, I have pushed all these bad things to the back of my mind. And although I can't dwell on them too long, I do need to remember this stuff, because it helps me to remember, why I kicked him out. I am a codie, I don't just kick my love out for no reason.....there was a reason, and that particular day, it was because I had just returned from an Al-Anon meeting only to find he was at the bar. I mean to me, how much more clear could it be, he does not wish to change!!!!!

And someone else on here said...remember the backstory, (TC, maybe?). Remember what led up to the breakup. It's hard, I know where you are with these reoccurring thoughts (I am so right there with you), thinking what you could have done different/better. But someone else said (Laurie?) something to me that helps me with that. She said, unless he was really willing to change, he would have just sucked even more life out of me. And I think it is true.....and it was really hard for me to live with Chris and try to recovery, because he is very controlling, very aggressive, and very manipulative.

I think that I need to make a list of thoughts like that, and then an answer to combat that.

Like, when I think......"I should have done...", I will answer that with "I did do.....".

You are not alone, either, we can get through this!

GiveLove

It was a glorious day in my life when I -- for the hundredth time -- said to myself, "I should have done X, Y, and Z for him...." and my inner voice finally shouted out, "And then you would have been miserable, AND you'd still be stuck with a controlling, abusive drunk." I was shocked.

Hoping that voice shows up for you too, SC. Julia Cameron says, "We all do the best we can, with the light we have to see by at the time."

You did the best you could, and coincidentally, the best you could led you in the right direction: away from constant pain and doubt, and toward a better life for you and your son.

It's going to hurt for a while, most likely, for all the reasons you know.

But never for a moment let yourself think that you should've done anything differently. I know your story and I know you did the best you could -- and I know you're on the right road now.

Learn the lessons this relationship taught you, and when you're ready to love again, it will be real this time.

Hugs,
GL

sodetermined

GL,

Awww, that made me cry.

Don't feel bad, it really doesn't take much these days.

Thank you for saying that though.

:ghug3

GiveLove

:ghug3

It doesn't take much for ME either, believe me!

Silverberry1331

(((soconfused)))

I HAVE felt that way....

read...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sick-mind.html ("Don't think about that"---the confession of my sick mind.)

I too reasoned if I would have just detached, accepted, understood, loved, changed, etc we would have been better off....

But...doesn't a relationship take two?