When Do Say Goodbye to the Relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
When Do Say Goodbye to the Relationship?
I am at my ropes end with my ABF. He has been sober for almost two years now but he never attends meetings.
If my ABF have a "discussion" and I try to set boundaries. He starts belittling me, name-calling, yelling, etc.
I try to set boundaries and I let him know if he has hurt my feelings. He refuses to say he's sorry. To get his point across, in being "honest" with his feelings, he has to be harsh and cruel with his words.
I have gone to a meeting everyday this week, trying to find the strength to get out of this relationship. Why is it so dang hard to let go of someone who treats you like crap?
How do you let go? How do you stop obsessing? Can you love and hate a person at the same time? Do they sometimes trade one addiction for another? Like porn or food?
I'm trying to be patient but I think I may be just worn out. When did you know it was the end?
If my ABF have a "discussion" and I try to set boundaries. He starts belittling me, name-calling, yelling, etc.
I try to set boundaries and I let him know if he has hurt my feelings. He refuses to say he's sorry. To get his point across, in being "honest" with his feelings, he has to be harsh and cruel with his words.
I have gone to a meeting everyday this week, trying to find the strength to get out of this relationship. Why is it so dang hard to let go of someone who treats you like crap?
How do you let go? How do you stop obsessing? Can you love and hate a person at the same time? Do they sometimes trade one addiction for another? Like porn or food?
I'm trying to be patient but I think I may be just worn out. When did you know it was the end?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I got to the point where I knew I'd had enough and was ready to do whatever I had to in order to physically separate from him. Before that, I'd vacillate and give myself reasons to stick around (not enough money, it's not THAT bad, 'til death do us part, it will be a huge pain in the a$$, etc...). I had to come to the conclusion that he was unlikely to change and I couldn't stand the thought of living in that situation any longer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
I agree with Freedom. it sounds as though he is a dry drunk and not sober. My STBXAH is the same way. He has not a drink in over a year but he is an angry and mean person. In my opinion it is only a matter of time before he starts to drink again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Its hard to know what to do. My AH has been in AA for 4+ years. I used to say sober but over the summer after being yelled I posted and someone pointed out to me that he wasn't sober or he wouldn't be acting the way he was. Eye opening. I have had a bad weekend my self, after 20+ years I still can't read his mind. After again after a big dry drunk flair up, I drew my line in the sand and he backed down and pretty much kissed my a$$ the rest of the day.
I guess I don't know what to tell you but it sounds like you are doing the right thing going to a lot of meetings. I keep thinking that one day it will be clear. My youngest is 17 so who know what will happen.
Take care.
I guess I don't know what to tell you but it sounds like you are doing the right thing going to a lot of meetings. I keep thinking that one day it will be clear. My youngest is 17 so who know what will happen.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Venus, often we stay in bad relationships (and make no mistake: your relationship is abusive) because our wiring, our childhood programming, tells us that it's the best we deserve. We could be modeling a parent, or it could be the things we were told BY parents, or other ways in which that message gets into our head and won't leave.
I stayed because I thought I had little chance of ever finding someone who would love me. I convinced myself that "he" was my best chance at not being lonely, not being unloved. The abuse became familiar and almost comfortable....I was so used to it.
I don't know what your reasons are for staying, but those were mine.
And just to tell you how things can change: after working my own recovery for a few years, I can honestly say this nowadays: I pity the fool who ever tries to treat me that way again. The first time someone starts yelling, calling names, or being cruel, that's the last time, and I won't look back. As you can tell, I have a righteous anger about anyone who treats people the way your BF treats you, because I went through it and it's soul-sucking.
Hoping to hear about a little righteous anger of your own, some day. You deserve better than this. You're a good person.
I stayed because I thought I had little chance of ever finding someone who would love me. I convinced myself that "he" was my best chance at not being lonely, not being unloved. The abuse became familiar and almost comfortable....I was so used to it.
I don't know what your reasons are for staying, but those were mine.
And just to tell you how things can change: after working my own recovery for a few years, I can honestly say this nowadays: I pity the fool who ever tries to treat me that way again. The first time someone starts yelling, calling names, or being cruel, that's the last time, and I won't look back. As you can tell, I have a righteous anger about anyone who treats people the way your BF treats you, because I went through it and it's soul-sucking.
Hoping to hear about a little righteous anger of your own, some day. You deserve better than this. You're a good person.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: America's Desert
Posts: 39
A man resorts to those tactics when he feels he has no other form of control and they should NEVER be accepted. If you allow it once you're going to being allowing it forever!
Leaving is hard and you will ALWAYS have a damn good reason not to do it. The sad thing is all the reasons to leave can only be seen at the 3, 6, 9 and so on month anniversary of leaving. Once you do, you will feel like all the time spend pondering was wasted.
It's easy to accept a little less every day and hard to gain some respect for yourself back, even harder to gain enough to make a choice to leave. Take some alone time, have a talk with yourself, remember why leaving is the right choice and remember that just like an alcoholic you're going to have to wake up every day and remake that choice to stay away, to say no.
Time and a support system make things a lot easier!
I'm struggling today because I met a woman I had some very intense chemistry with and while I would love to make things work I know that it isn't a healthy road for me to go do. So I made the right choice, not the one I liked or wanted but the one I knew inside was healthiest.
GOOD LUCK and stay strong! And remember, rip the band aid off, don't try little by little, clean break and fight his ego trying to convince you you're making the wrong choice. The fact that you're posting this confirms you aren't.
Leaving is hard and you will ALWAYS have a damn good reason not to do it. The sad thing is all the reasons to leave can only be seen at the 3, 6, 9 and so on month anniversary of leaving. Once you do, you will feel like all the time spend pondering was wasted.
It's easy to accept a little less every day and hard to gain some respect for yourself back, even harder to gain enough to make a choice to leave. Take some alone time, have a talk with yourself, remember why leaving is the right choice and remember that just like an alcoholic you're going to have to wake up every day and remake that choice to stay away, to say no.
Time and a support system make things a lot easier!
I'm struggling today because I met a woman I had some very intense chemistry with and while I would love to make things work I know that it isn't a healthy road for me to go do. So I made the right choice, not the one I liked or wanted but the one I knew inside was healthiest.
GOOD LUCK and stay strong! And remember, rip the band aid off, don't try little by little, clean break and fight his ego trying to convince you you're making the wrong choice. The fact that you're posting this confirms you aren't.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When I looked at the man I once loved and realized I was beginning to hate him, I knew the end was drawing near.
When I began to hate myself, I realized I'd reached the end of my rope, and I asked him to leave.
Today, I've forgiven Richard for the torment he put me through. And more importantly, I've forgiven myself for allowing myself to be treated so poorly and not having the courage to demand more.
Ending my relationship with Richard was the best decision I've ever made. I've never said it was easy. Just the best.
When I began to hate myself, I realized I'd reached the end of my rope, and I asked him to leave.
Today, I've forgiven Richard for the torment he put me through. And more importantly, I've forgiven myself for allowing myself to be treated so poorly and not having the courage to demand more.
Ending my relationship with Richard was the best decision I've ever made. I've never said it was easy. Just the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 33
I am so glad this thread is here tonight!! THANK YOU ALL!! I started dating someone about 7 weeks ago and he is supposedly in recovery. I think he is just a dry drunk also. Since I have known him he has tried other addictive things...mostly pills. I have stood by and watched the aftermath and tried to be supportive. He is really into his HP and I like that. He goes to church every Sunday. We have completely different bottems. Which is something I am just discovering as far as how bottems go. He does not go to meetings and says he doesn't need them. I tried to tell him I was like that in the past but this time in my recovery I need to go at least 5 times a week and I like/look forward to it. I am trying to get him to go to a meeting with me this week and I am going to church with him on Sunday. He is a great person but I think we may just be better off friends. He is trying to get his son back living with him by next summer and I know I would be a good support when that happens. Sorry so long. Glad I am realizing all this before I let my heart go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Venus, often we stay in bad relationships (and make no mistake: your relationship is abusive) because our wiring, our childhood programming, tells us that it's the best we deserve. We could be modeling a parent, or it could be the things we were told BY parents, or other ways in which that message gets into our head and won't leave.
I stayed because I thought I had little chance of ever finding someone who would love me. I convinced myself that "he" was my best chance at not being lonely, not being unloved. The abuse became familiar and almost comfortable....I was so used to it.
I don't know what your reasons are for staying, but those were mine.
And just to tell you how things can change: after working my own recovery for a few years, I can honestly say this nowadays: I pity the fool who ever tries to treat me that way again. The first time someone starts yelling, calling names, or being cruel, that's the last time, and I won't look back. As you can tell, I have a righteous anger about anyone who treats people the way your BF treats you, because I went through it and it's soul-sucking.
Hoping to hear about a little righteous anger of your own, some day. You deserve better than this. You're a good person.
I stayed because I thought I had little chance of ever finding someone who would love me. I convinced myself that "he" was my best chance at not being lonely, not being unloved. The abuse became familiar and almost comfortable....I was so used to it.
I don't know what your reasons are for staying, but those were mine.
And just to tell you how things can change: after working my own recovery for a few years, I can honestly say this nowadays: I pity the fool who ever tries to treat me that way again. The first time someone starts yelling, calling names, or being cruel, that's the last time, and I won't look back. As you can tell, I have a righteous anger about anyone who treats people the way your BF treats you, because I went through it and it's soul-sucking.
Hoping to hear about a little righteous anger of your own, some day. You deserve better than this. You're a good person.
I left when "the pain of staying became greater then the pain of leaving" and make no mistake, the pain both ways has been horrible, I have been so incredibly sad I can't even say, I have good hours but I haven't put together very many "good days" yet, it's been maybe two weeks.
I left when "If only this, then that" lost all meaning
If only I tried harder
If only she wouldn't lash out at me so badly, and hurt me so badly
If only she would learn to "communicate" and "own her part" in situations
If only she would stop "punching me" and "running away" (I was talking to a therapist, she compared it to causing car crashes then leaving the scene of the crime)
If only I was stronger
If only I would have been able to be more understanding
If only I would have been able to be more loving
If only she would go to therapy
If only she would get in recovery
If only she would go to therapy with me
If only she would stop lying to me
if only she would stop HURTING ME ALL THE TIME and stop being so abusive
the list goes on and on...
I left her when I read this:
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
and it matched every single one of her behaviors....every single one.
that article broke my denial
I still went back when she informed me she was pregnant...maybe she was...maybe it was even my baby....who really knows any more.....I truly don't know what to believe or not believe or what to think about that relationship, just that she was toxic to me, she was like Grima Wormtongue in The Lord of the Rings, and Eowyn pegged him when she said "Your words are POISON!" and ran away.
I always related more to Theoden when he said "Grima, you were once a man of Rohan, come back" and stretched out his hand....
I left when I realized I couldn't help her, I couldn't "rescue her"....
I left her when I no longer recognized the person I was looking at in the mirror, the low self esteem, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the...everything....I had become a person I had never seen before, no relationship previously had ever made me feel like this, had made me lose my temper like this, had made me so insane, had made me so hurt and confused....I left when I didn't know who I was any more, when I no longer trusted my own reality.
As far as I know, according to her emails we exchanged when I was breaking up with her, she thinks I broke up with her because she drank after 2 months, but it was all the behavior that went with drinking, the denial, the abuse, the manipulation, etc etc
to this day I don't like or want to say anything "bad" about her, labeling her an "abuser" makes me sick to my stomach, i know she was doing the best she could, but she was harmful to me.
The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad.
But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy.
When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy.
When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them
for me, it takes what it takes, and in this instance, it took a lot
Last edited by Ago; 10-27-2008 at 10:12 PM.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thanks Ago for reposting that link.
It took me a long time to realise that my aexbf's problem was not just drink. He was abusive, period. I am still coming to understand this.
I have read since ending things with him that alcohol does not make a person aggresive or abusive, it can accentuate what is already there though. And I must say I am beginning to agree with that chain of thought.
I have heard A's talk of sobriety of their emotions and behaviours as well as actually not consuming their DOC. And I think it says in the article from Ago that many abusers do not accept that they abuse and it can take years of therapy for them to begin to see that.
So, it leads to the thought of what do you want for you? What is acceptable and not to you? Those questions inevitably opened up a whole chapter on my self, where I am now working on my self image and esteem, and my feelings of worth. Plus it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that ''I am being abused'', it hits you like a cold wet fish followed by a ton of bricks!
One thing was true for me though, which really did help with moving on with my life, and that was, there was no way for me to heal and work on my wounded self, my bashed sense of self, while there was a prescence in my life who was constantly bringing me down through verbal and emotional abuse.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It took me a long time to realise that my aexbf's problem was not just drink. He was abusive, period. I am still coming to understand this.
I have read since ending things with him that alcohol does not make a person aggresive or abusive, it can accentuate what is already there though. And I must say I am beginning to agree with that chain of thought.
I have heard A's talk of sobriety of their emotions and behaviours as well as actually not consuming their DOC. And I think it says in the article from Ago that many abusers do not accept that they abuse and it can take years of therapy for them to begin to see that.
So, it leads to the thought of what do you want for you? What is acceptable and not to you? Those questions inevitably opened up a whole chapter on my self, where I am now working on my self image and esteem, and my feelings of worth. Plus it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that ''I am being abused'', it hits you like a cold wet fish followed by a ton of bricks!
One thing was true for me though, which really did help with moving on with my life, and that was, there was no way for me to heal and work on my wounded self, my bashed sense of self, while there was a prescence in my life who was constantly bringing me down through verbal and emotional abuse.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Why is it so dang hard to let go of someone who treats you like crap?
I left when I just couldn't take anymore of the crying, the stress.
Being on my own appeared a far better option than being constantly let down. The talks didn't work, shouting didn't work. I came to the realisation that this man wanted to spend his life in a pub and me turning up crying did not a jot to change his mind.
I started imagining what I wanted from my life, I wanted to enjoy it, I wanted to be happy.
I agree with a lot of Lilyflowers post. At first I would blame the drink, but really - I don't think my ex was without blame. Not at all. Since leaving I can see him in a different light.
I don't want to be with someone who sees no wrong in hurting me, in letting me down.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think it is really "dang" hard to leave!! I was just telling my therapist that yesterday. That I was looking for a new place, but right now all is quite and it's like I know I need to keep pushing forward. But there's a pull that keeps lulling me back in.
She said if you keep moving forward you will break free of all that. So that's what I'm doing...
I do believe it's just what we're use to and what our A have conditioned us to live with.
Hugs!
She said if you keep moving forward you will break free of all that. So that's what I'm doing...
I do believe it's just what we're use to and what our A have conditioned us to live with.
Hugs!
Seeking Peace and Serenity
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Rocky Mountain
Posts: 38
I am in the midst of a crisis myself. I was married to an A and in a relationship for three years to an extreme A. I decided to date a wonderful man in recovery. We have been together 11 months and I had decided it was time to let him move in (although he spent all his time here). Well, there have been some blips in the radar and we have talked through them. Every once in awhile he takes a powder and drinks and doesn't come home, doesn't call or anything he is hiding and drinking excessively until he sleeps it off. It used to drive me crazy. He constantly says he wants the life and family we have together more than anything. We talk about it alot. I am at the point in my life where I just don't want to go down this road with an A. I am trying to keep my mind busy and maybe I can put some of this crap out of my mind. I really need some guidance and sharing to help me get through this and make the decision to move on and let him go.
Oh yeah, he left 24 hours ago and I haven't heard or seen him at all. So I really think I need to move on!!!
I am sorry if I am stealing your thread. I thought we were in the same place and the forum could use us both.
Oh yeah, he left 24 hours ago and I haven't heard or seen him at all. So I really think I need to move on!!!
I am sorry if I am stealing your thread. I thought we were in the same place and the forum could use us both.
Last edited by SereneRose; 10-28-2008 at 06:57 AM. Reason: Add more info
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'd consider that it has nothing to do with alcohol, drinking or not.
Therapy helped me enormously with this.
I'm glad to see his name calling and controlling called what it is: abuse.
Keep reaching out for support - you are not alone!
Therapy helped me enormously with this.
I'm glad to see his name calling and controlling called what it is: abuse.
Keep reaching out for support - you are not alone!
Seeking Peace and Serenity
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Rocky Mountain
Posts: 38
Yup, my picker is broke. After the first two A's I went and got professional help to see why I was attracted to them or vice versa. It seemed to help and I really thought this guy was on the level and doing his program. I haven't been to Al-Anon for a few months and it shows with me. I am going back to pick up the pieces (once again).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
I'm not the best picker either! I know on my next go around I'm going to EXCLUDE anyone that is in recovery, was in a relationship with an A or is "trying to cut back"! Also, I'm 45 so anyone that drinks to the point of passing out, throwing up, places lampshades on their head or just generally "problem drinkers"! LOL!
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