Kimmieh

I am really upset right now and I need to vent. I went to ABF's new place twice today because his mother called frantically and needed to get in touch with him, but there is no reception where he lives and he hasn't gotten another phone yet (yeah, I know. How is that my problem?). He is very excited about the new place and is fixing it up, even buying candles and other decoration.

He didn't invite me to come over and help with things or to hang out. He rarely calls. He came over the other night and was drunk and wanted sex (I told him that I am not a booty call! And there was no sex). When he was sober the next morning, he realized and felt bad (not that it really matters - but I am not at the point yet where I don't feel the urge to make excuses to protect him). I don't know this person. I am still so confused. I was away for 2 months to come back to this. WHAT HAPPENED??

I said today that I need to mark my territory at his place and he said that he wants to fix it up alone as his place. I meant a tooth brush and some spare clothes...that's when I got upset and left. It's like he is moving into this new life (still drinking and smoking pot though) and I am left behind. And I am sure it's because he loves being able to be at home and smoke anywhere in the apartment and drink without anyone getting upset. It's nothing personal, but it infuriates me.

And I am furious because he gets a brand new apartment with a new bed, new carpet, new couch while I am still trying to get the urine stains out of my bed, carpet, and makeshift couch (because of the ruined futon mattress) and to get rid of the bar smell in here, not to mention the things that broke because he fell into them when drunk. I feel cheated!

I don't want to end this but right now I believe I have to. I want a conversation first because I feel like I need to catch up with all this. But I don't want to call. I want to be a 3-year-old stomping my foot and yelling "FINE, BE THAT WAY! Now you try and get a hold of me because I WILL not answer your phone calls!" Because I have a freaking dissertation to write and classes to teach and I need to go the gym and take walks and be better to myself than I have been. Why is that so freaking hard???

He was high and happy today when I came over and sometimes I envy him. Forgive me if this shows disrespect towards addicts, but sometimes I want to just drink and forget. In fact, I have several times and I know I need to be careful because alcoholism runs in my family and I like drinking a bottle of wine and passing out when I feel like this, so I don't buy the wine. Bloody irony.

I am sorry for the vent. I just feel abandoned from the world and betrayed and cheated and I have yet to learn to complain about loved ones instead of making excuses even when I have reason to be upset, sad, or all of the above. And I feel this is a safe place to do that because you know that an addict is not a bad person. But addiction is really pretty damn selfish. SELFISH! But not with me. If he does not want to spend time with me, FINE! But he will need to give me my key back because then he won't show up drunk at my place in the middle of the night either. Let's take a break! I mean honestly, I move from someone who doesn't want to commit to a guy who wanted a caretaker to a guy who is bipolar/schizophrenic (not quite sure which, but he is frequently psychotic) to an addict. How insane is that??? :codiepolice

I am not ready for a break-up, but I am ready for a break. I will tell his parents that I cannot be the messenger anymore. They will have to figure out another way. I will quit being sad and upset and using that as an excuse not to do my work. Bloody DRAMA!

Thanks. I feel better now (I even stopped crying - this is really therapeutic).

prodigal

I learned that I didn't fit into the equation of an addict's life. I married two of them. They used me for what they wanted, and when they were done, that was it. They were done. Harsh reality, but true.

He may have a "new" life but he still has his "old" addictions. As far as his place being new, I'm sure it will start to take on the stench of booze and pot, urine, vomit, etc. within a short period of time.

And you are right ... it IS nothing personal. You don't figure into his enjoyment of his addiction. And it sounds like that is his top priority at the moment.

Live

Prodigal is right. There's an old saying that changing the clothes doesn't change the man. He will break in his new apartment.

In the meantime....there are specially made urine odor removers and it is probably easier in the long run just to change the lock and remake your home into your own! Maybe a complete makeover...there are bargains to be had...ebay, salvation army, thrift shops, craigslist....to name a few!
Do it for you!

Kimmieh

Thank you for your reply and I believe you are right - the newness won't last long and he was stoned out of his mind this afternoon. And they way you put it is spot on: I don't fit into the equation of his life either. He loves me, but he loves his addiction more. I am glad that he has his own place now, but it hurts. To know that it's nothing personal helps a lot. I know I have not handled things well in the past and I have my own issues, but I am learning and trying to get better and he is not although he can get treatment easily...

liveweyerd, thank you also for your reply! I am trying not to involve myself much anymore, but I will sit down with him, give him the phone numbers of counselors and his psychiatrist and tell him that I will happily give him rides to the treatment center (he does not have his license back yet - DUI). He wants his daughter to stay with him and for that he has to stop drinking and he has to make a commitment and he knows this and wants it, but can't take the pressure. I told him once (it was not a threat, I just pointed it out and he took it well) that when he messes up while she is here, he will never forgive himself. I still believe in him and I am not ready to give up, but I have to detach. I have been dealing well except today. But I am much better now thanks to this place.

As for my place, usually I immediately treated stains with those enzyme odor and stain removers and it worked really well. But he was here alone over the summer and I don't know if he cleaned up after himself all the time. I ordered a black light to find the spots. And if I ask for my key, he will give it to me. He has never been combative or mean, I will give him that. He directs aggression at himself and becomes self-destructive. But I have already made some changes and it's great! And the smell is fading, especially now that I can leave the window open for fresh air (I live in a very warm part of the country). But I have been taking peeks at ebay.