Jadmack25

This poem was written in 1989 by my abf. He was living in a hostel, broke and drinking with his down and out pals. Reading it, you could get the impression it meant he really wanted to quit and was desperate enough to do anything to succeed.

Looking for an Answer

I never used to worry about today,
But now those todays seem so far away.
I wish I had now, what I had then,
But I keep repeating mistakes again and again.

I always thought I had the answer,
But rushing through life has been a disaster.
As time goes on by I am starting to ask
"Is it God really taking me to task?"

I know there's an answer, some people do care.
But to keep on hurting, is that really fair?
I try to do what is good and sound
But then all my castles tumble down.

I put on a brave face for the pain deep inside,
The mask rolls away, there is no place to hide.
I think I am at the crossroads of life.
Which way do I turn, is it to left or right?

I know there's an answer
Which one do I choose?
Where is it God?
Is it You or the booze?

Well, it's 19 years later, and he hasn't heard an answer yet it seems.
I have heard at least 50, "I have to quit this crap, it is killing me", and " am sick of feeling like s**t, having no money and making a fool of myself", etc at various times over 18 years.

He is on day 17 sober, THIS TIME, after the mother of all withdrawals and very little help thru it from me. Whether it lasts is up to him as I have moved myself away mentally and am taking care of ME at long last. I have made a few boundaries and am determined to keep to them. The first was that if he was ill thru withdrawal I would NOT be his nurse and carer anymore. I would be there to call medical help if needed.

When it happened 19 days ago, I told him the score and kept my word, tho it was extremely hard to see him go thru 2 days and nights of hell. Nor did help clean up his messy, stinking, bottle strewn flat as I have in the past.

Coming here has been the catalyst for change in my life, as after reading the post of so many who have taken back control of their lives from their alcoholic partners and found a life again, I feel pushed to do it for me.

I am so lucky, as I have no dependent children to worry about and don't rely on my abf for a home or finance, only having myself to consider.

People on here are amazing, strong, down to earth and willing to give help, support and encouragement to anyone who needs it. What great inspiration you all are to me and so many others.

My sincere thanks and deep gratitude to you all.

prodigal

Nope, apparently the lure of sobriety hasn't screamed at him loudly enough or long enough yet. His hearing must be of the selective variety.

I'm interested in why you have listened to the same old crap for this many years. Since you posted, and he did not, if you feel like sharing your story I would like to know what's made you stick by him all these years.

Bernadette

Thank YOU Jadmack for sharing YOUR story!!! It's amazing the combined wisdom of this place - together we've seen it all - in all different stages & struggles...I am also grateful for SR and to all who share here!!
Peace-
B.