sodetermined

First off, I would just like to say that the last couple of days there have been so many good posts/responses. Some days I come on to post, but after I read through what is already there, I think to myself that there is no need, everything I need to know is already there.

However, maybe some days I need a little extra support, slap in the face, whatever.

There has been a lot of drama at home lately, Chris is back to drinking more and more, lying to me about it, and I am back to trying to control him, yelling, fighting, nagging, etc. Typical codependent behaviors. We don't treat each other right, when I find out he has lied, I can't control my anger, I act like a crazy person. I'm mean to him, and then he tries making up by hugging me, or kissing me. Then I pull away and tell him I can't just pretend everything is fine, and then he said he's tired of me pushing him away.

Yesterday I finally decided that I need to make a change, I need to shift the focus back to me and my own recovery, so I found 2 Al-Anon meetings that I can go to in our area, and also did some reading from an Al-Anon website I found. On the way home last night in the car, I tried talking to him, calmly, about how I felt. I told him that I need to get back into recovery again, that I don't like the way I've been acting lately. I told him neither one of us accepts each other for the way we really are, we're both trying to change each other. He agreed, but wants nothing to do with discussing anything really. It's always "Come on, do we have to fight? Let's just have a good night".

When we got home, he decided to take my son hunting. He had already had 2 quarts of beer, and I knew he would drink more at his mom's (where he hunts). I managed to have a good evening. I picked up the house, lit some candles, worked out, and took a nice relaxing bath. The house was so quiet, so peaceful. Then he called for me to go pick him up. Then when he gets home, he is immediately annoying to me because he won't shut up. At first, it was repeating himself about the hunting.....I was so irritated but said nothing. I asked if he drank, and how much...but didn't nag or anything, I just kept quiet, watching my show. Then he got mad because I had already eaten and wouldn't eat the pork he cooked. Silly, don't you think? Then I rejected his several advances for a hug and a kiss and told him that I was upset, because he drank, told him I'm not nagging, but I also can't be friendly with him. So then it's "You're rejecting me again". I don't need to even go into every detail, but he wasn't treating me right, and I was just trying to hard not to engage. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He asked me to say it again, so I said it again. I told him I don't like the way he treats me. We got to bed, like nothing happened.

I realized last night, it is very difficult for me to NOT engage, not take the bait when he's wanting to fight. Because he repeats himself, won't leave it alone.

Got up today, like nothing happened. He says "hello beautiful".

I guess at this point, I need boundaries, and consequences, but I honestly do not know where to start. Does anyone have advice on where to start? Examples of what their boundaries were? And how do you deal with him when you enforce the boundaries, and he gets an attitude????

I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting Friday night, at 8:00. I am really hopeful about this!

Reddmax

Soconfused,

I know exactly how you feel. Setting boundaries are very, very hard with an aggressive alcoholic. My AW does exactly the same thing. If you tell her no to what she requests, she gets really bitchy and then gradually ratchets things up until she has a temper tantrum. My path has been personal boundaries. I won't nag about the drinking, I do my own thing, and when we interact, I'm non-commital.

Again, its very hard to do. Lately, its become a lot easier for me because I've found out something for myself. I can't help her. I have no power to save her life. I have no power to stay married to her. Either we work together, or we work apart. I've accepted this. I can do things for myself. I can decide how I want to live. Then I have to do what has to be done to accomplish these things.

Redd

veryrestless722

While I cant help as far as boundaries cause im like you, when i was with my AH i couldnt stop myself from engaging with him, he would get drunk and NEVER shut up, i dont have the patientnce of a saint and we would end up in a screaming match most of the time cause i would finally snap, course then im the "crazy" one

I just wanted to say i know how you feel, ive been there, just wanted to lend my support and hope things work out for you :ghug3

ToughChoices

Did he take your son hunting - with guns - after drinking?
This sounds very dangerous.

sodetermined

TC,

Yes, he did. He had 2 quarts of beer. And a couple cans of beer. He wasn't drunk, but he had a buzz.

I know, what in the hell am I thinking?????

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more. One line of the entire post about him drinking, with the expectation he would drink more at your mother's, with your son in tow, and the rest of the post about how he's affecting you.

I take it he drove to go hunting, with your son in the car, after he had been drinking?

I really and truly pray it doesn't take some horrible tragedy to open up your eyes, Lexi.

sodetermined

DeVon,

I drove them out there, and also picked them up. But he did drink before they went hunting.

Because when I dropped them off to go, he didn't seem buzzed, I guess I honestly just wasn't even thinking that he would finish off the quart and drink a couple more before going, although I knew he would drink after.

ToughChoices

A prayer of thanks that everyone is safe.

Perhaps a boundary involving protection for your child is in order -
i.e.
"If you are drinking, neither I, nor my son, will be around you."
For me this involved removing myself and my son from the room, then (eventually) from the home.

He won't stop.
It is up to you to decide that you don't want to be around the behavior and take the necessary action.

I know you can do it.
-TC

Freedom1990

Lexi, you and I have known each other for some time now. You know I'm nothing less than honest with you.

I remember a time when he wasn't in the home and you were really making progress in your own recovery.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I see so much of me in you, and I was one of those who couldn't detach and live with an active alcoholic partner in the home.

It just hurts my heart to see you step so far backwards in your recovery.

However, as I've told you before, it took me 12 long long years into my recovery from alcoholism/addiction to truly address my codependency issues.

I've never stopped praying for you and Ryan. :ghug

sodetermined

TC-

I had this boundary at one time, when he got out of jail, but little by little, I have gotten way off track again.

So that is going to be my first boundary. Leaving the room, not being around him (me or my son) when he's drinking. However, the house is mine, so I'm not really sure what to do here, because I could leave and go to a friends, I have an open invitation. But I have asked him to leave, when he's drinking, and he won't. He refuses. He says it's not fair he does stuff around the house and helps with bills (sometimes, he helps) and then I "kick him out". I guess to show him I'm serious, I could leave and go to a friend's.

sodetermined

I know, and I love you because you are so honest. And I respect and admire your strength. I used to think you were mean, but I realized after a short time you were just honest. Thank you for remember us in your prayers, DeVon, that means so much to me.

And I have gone backwards. No doubt about that. I am not happy with Chris, I realize this. And I remember you telling me you could not detach with him there, because of all the hurt. And I think that is where I'm probably at, once again.

This is awful, but I've been hoping that he will do a major screw up, like he used to do all the time, and leave for the weekend, so he would at least be gone. He doesn't leave anymore!!!!!!!! He comes home. And I have asked him to leave but he won't. He knows I'm not happy, and then I feel guilty about that because I know that he will drink more because of these problems.

I need to pick myself back up here and get to where I was.

:ghug Thank you all so much for your support, and for always being here, it means a lot! I do not know what I would do without this board.

ToughChoices

You don't have to do it to show him anything.
Just do it to keep your own sanity and safety at the forefront.

My husband would not leave our home when he was drinking (and I didn't want him to drive when he was intoxicated), so DS and I went to a friend's house a few times.
If kiddo was asleep and AH was drinking, I'd just go back to our bedroom and leave him to his business in the living room.

Eventually it became clear that I was having to go out of my way to avoid him.
Moving into my own home made it much easier to protect my family from my husband's drinking. Now we are safe and comfortable - I don't even have to think about it.

TC

denny57

One of best friends in grade school - her dad was shot and killed by his best friend while they were hunting. Yep, they were drinking.

Learning how

Soconfused11, I have been there. Mine would look me in the eye and lie about drinking then drive. But I was the crazy person, over reacting again.
I could go on but they all seem to use the same play book.

My husband can tell you the day he stoped drinking, the date. I have no idea, it was about the time I packed up the boys and we went to a hotel. He would not leave, he would not change, he was fine, I was crazy and I had no choice but protect my kids. The blinders were off, no more denial no more using the the slogan of "Its not that bad". It was that bad. He had steped across every boundary I had set. In truth steped across and spit on every boundary.

This is what I did. Take a step back, look at what is going on. If this was your dear dear friends life, what input would you have for her? Go to Alanon, that will help you to focus on the things you can change.
Courage

blessed4x

Mine also lied about drinking and taking the kids. Drank over half a fifth of vodka before 2pm, took our son to baseball and then when I questioned him he looked me straight in the eye and said he didn't have a drop. When pushed he admitted that he did drink it and that I was a "B". HUH?!!

So I learned (and thankfully no one got hurt in the process) that I can't trust him to take the kids places....even in the middle of the day, even if he doesn't appear drunk, even if. I know where you are coming from. I want my kids to have that father-son/daughter relationship. Hunting with dad should be one of their finest childhood memories (mines a hunter, too). Just remember it's HIM that's choosing to take away those memories and not YOU by setting boundaries, because I can guarantee you he will try to put it off on you when it comes down to it.

blue-eyed soul

i know boundaries can be hard -- my two biggies are these: i will not have sex with him when he's drunk (ewwww, who wants to do that anyway?), and i will not ride in a vehicle with him when he's drinking. so ... this means that we might go a really long time without having sex or without going anywhere!

sometimes this winds up like redd said it is with his AW, though, where AH says things like "that's my pu**y, and i can have it whenever i want." (hmmm. isn't that called rape if the other person isn't willing?) and then i become the bi*** for not acquiescing (the target of those alcoholic tantrums).

but i am finding, little by little, that by sticking to my boundaries, i am not finding myself (as often, anyway) in those awful fights (if you aren't riding in a vehicle half scared for your life, you're not going to be yelling at him, and he's not going to be yelling back and driving crazier!), and i feel better.

and i also have a mantra when he has been drinking and is being ugly to me. it's this: "don't engage, don't engage, don't engage." that makes me stop, take a step back, and realize that there is NO POINT WHATSOEVER in going there when he is drinking/drunk, even if what he is saying or doing is hurtful. you might just as well be talking to the floor, and all that is going to happen is more hurt.

i'm new here, and i don't know your whole situation, and i'm still navigating all of this myself, but i wanted to share these little things that are helping me to take care of myself and move forward.

hang in there, sweetie!

prodigal

Alcoholics are not particularly predictable. A's with firearms are even less predictable. Only he knows when he will drink, how much he will drink, and with whom he will drink.

I removed all firearms from my house a year ago. AH made a stink about it, which was none of my concern. His guns are gone. Period. I cannot tell you how to set your own boundaries. Perhaps you should read "Codependent No More" again. Beattie gives a pretty in-depth discussion of boundaries.

I don't give a good cahoot if my AH slams things around, breaks things, or has a royal hissy fit over my boundaries. I keep my boundaries in place by refusing to be afraid or bulllied. I have a car and it takes me places. If AH starts quacking too much, I leave. The less I listen and react, the less he quacks. It no longer gets a rise out of me.

Jadmack25

My abf has come out of many binges etc with a few wounds, let them heal and back into it all again. It's that child playing in traffic scenario.
As for me, I feel as if I have been hit by every darn car and truck on the road while trying to get to him.
Last time I didn't try, let him handle the hassles, money loss and the withdrawal shakes, s**ts and spews for himself as I had been thru them with him 23 times this year. Said "no more" and meant it. Kept watch in case medical help needed, but did nothing.
Cried my heart out when out of his hearing, felt a real b***h etc, but hey, my kids only needed me to feed them and change nappies for a couple of years, then did whatever on their own.

Have "mommied" him for nearly 20years. Who needs a tantrum throwing 61 year old baby? Not me! Setting some more boundaries for my sanity and peace of mind. Now need to pray for strength to defend them if I have to.

:codiepolice