woobie

I have been going to f2f meetings now for 4 months, the program is great and really has helped in my personnel life. My therapist told me that I should wait 6 months before I make any permanent decisions concerning my marriage. To be very honest I am soooo tired of waiting for some kind of changes from my AH. I have seen changes in myself and my life seems a little calmer, but when he is home I just want to slap him. I suppose what really irks me that in the past when we had problems I was the one that had to do all work in smoothing out the kinks. He has had 2+ affairs, I only know about 2 but I know there has been more. AH feels that because he can't remember what happened that means that is OK, and that really is not HIM who is acting out. I found a new not signed, very mushy "thinking of you" card in a bag of socks that I was unpacking from one of his moves. I put away what was in the bag and just put the card on his dresser. When he came home he asked me what was with the card, I told him you tell me! His answer was, I don't know & don't remember. Does that make it right? I do know that he was involved with some woman when he was in Philly, but he said it was just friendship... I have heard that before. Every aspect of our life is based on lies, and I am supposed to tuck my tail between my legs and go on! I have enabled and done that for years and I won't do that anymore!! I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty! He is still lying on anything that he does not want me to know what he is doing, even dumb things. Like where and who he is with, who he talks on the phone with etc. Now he is lying about his AA meetings (the church is around the corner of my house, if I am out and drive by his car is not in the lot), says he is going but he does not go. I don't confront him about it, I just ask him how his meeting was and he says fine, I ask how Paul is (sponser) he says Oh I did not talk to him tonight...not a lie because he was not there- but I never say why are you lying about going. I harbor this which is not good for me, but if I say something to him he will deny, deny and deny! I can't live this way!! If does not want to go, just tell me don't lie. How do I handle this situation? I can't play his games anymore, when I mention divorce he blames me for breaking up the family (which I know I am not) I just want a marriage that is based on honesty...is that too much to ask for? Should i confront him or should I just let him dig his holes deeper and pop the divorce papers on him? The only way he tells me the truth is when I have black and white proof, and the way I get the proof is by me snooping and I don't like how I feel when I snoop- that behavior is one that was really hard for me to control.
L.

dollydo

I am a planner and a popper....trying to reason with an unreasonable person gets you nowhere.

embraced2000

have you set any boundries? when i set my boundries with my xh, i finally started seeing some daylight. the challenge after setting the boundries for me, was following through with what i said i would do if the boundry was broached.

are you prepared to set boundries and follow up with action?

something i would suggest is taking care of yourself......first step....doc appnt. and testing for sexually transmitted diseases. this is what i did, then i added my annual mammogram, visual appnt., and dental check up. it felt real good to be doing something for myself instead of running around after his silly a$$.

(which, i might add, made me even a sillier a$$...lol)

denny57

Welcome,woobie, glad you're here! Keep attending the meetings, I think they're working :-). And keep posting!

As I started to trust myself again, I was able to act on what was in my best interests. I stuck to my plan and today I am glad I did.

((()))

All for my son

You need a new counselor. If your counselor is not helping you to get out of there then I suggest you find a new one. I was in a very similar boat several months ago and I got out. Let me tell you that it is the best decision I ever made. My AH also says that I broke up the family and it is all my fault and I am a failure as a wife (the list goes on and on) then the next day will tell me that he loves me and what a wonderful person I am. After leaving I realized SO much more that was going on. Do not let yourself get sucked into this kind of life. You are better than this and deserve better. If he hits rock bottom when you leave and decides for himself to change then there may be hope. But you cannot change him and you staying there just enables him to keep drinking and keep treating you this way. Get out and keep building your life like you have been. You can do this.

Mr. Christian

I’m sorry but I think knocking the boots with some other woman broke up that family unit a long time ago.

woobie

Thank you for all your responses, at times it is nice to hear that I am doing some things right and not just being mean! I am setting boundries, at times I set very tall walls to keep him from being involved in my life. I have not paid any of his bills for over a year, I won't talk to him if he is drinking, I don't accept bad behavior at all- if he is being a butt head, I do something for myself, I have been sleeping on the couch for 10 months. What really helped me the most was not to have expectations for him, when I do I get mad- if I expect nothing then anything more than nothing is a bonus. I am trying to file for divorce but the retainer is very hard to get...he has not given me money for bills for 4 months- I have asked him to leave but the police say that as long as he is not violent I can't make him leave. as for diseases....I am not worried about that unless it is transmitted through the air!! LOL What I keep telling myself is that I can not change what he does, but I can change what I do

woobie

Last night was a prime example of his lies. He told me in the morning that he had to work 9-9, I was happy because I thought I would have the house to myself. I was coming home I noticed that his car was parked in a bars parking lot- debated whether or not to turn around and check, I turned around. It was his car, so I called & left a message to see how his day was going. He called me back and said that he was at work on a break and was in the parking lot having a smoke. We chatted a little, I told him I had to go. Of course my obsessive behavior of snooping took over, so I called his work and asked to see if he was in tonight- they told me no he went home early tonight. Of course I was angry I called him back and asked him where he was..."I am at work!" I let him dig a large hole of lies, then told him I saw his car (15 min away from work- 5 min. from home) He lied and lied and said he went for a sandwich that he was on lunch, yeah right! Kids called and said that he came home at 7.30. and he smelled like a bottle. I did not go home, went to work came home at 10 The other day my daughter said she saw him driving out of the parking lot of the same bar, he called her and said that he was buying me flowers. (there is a flower shop in the same shopping center) My first thought was he got caught then turned around and bought the flowers. I thanked him. I shamed myself for thinking that way, now I know my first instinct was right! I am calling the attorney today and putting the retainer on my credit card, can't do this anymore!

denny57

My credit cards came in very handy. Good luck!

Barbara52

I feel your frustrations and doubts and uncertainty. I've been there. I found asking myself what did my sons need most helped me decide what was also best for me. In my case, it involved leaving my AH (its only bee a few days now but its feels so much better).

Take as an objective look at your life as it is and what lessons your children are learning. What lessons are they learning about what marriage is supposed to be like? What lessons are they learning about how to deal with difficult situations. I found that answering these questions and others led me to the path I needed to take.

Your path may become clearer also.

woobie

Yesterday I started work at 1, and my AH was off. I have not spoke to him about the incident with working late/ bar episode. Well he was talking to my youngest daughter (17) about how I am mad at him because of my suspicions of him drinking, well of course he made it sound like I was a real ogre & more or less made it sound like I was lying. Well she did not believe him because the day before she smelled booze on him so she knew he was lying. First thing he did was turn on the air conditioner, I asked him to turn it off because of the cost of running it- since he does not help with the bills I don't want it on plus he sets it so low it is freezing in the house. I dropped it because it was leading to an argument. Then I asked him if this week if he could give me money to pay the car insurance ($452 per month), he said no that his paychecks are only 700 for 2 weeks. So I told him that if he does not give me money I was going to get insurance for me and the kids and not him because of him our premiums are high risk because of him! Well he got sooo mad and was stomping around the house yelling and being a real jerk. My oldest daughter-(20) yelled at him and asked him why was he not giving me money, he never answered so she said thats right you need money for your "burgers" (code word for drinks). He was so mad, he called me on my cell phone and was yelling at me what a f****** liar I was, and how dare I talk to HIS kids about my issues with him. I was so upset, if it was not for the kids I would not know the half of his shanigans. Am I wrong about the car insurance thing? I am feeling a little guilty, he has that effect on me when he starts his brow beating...I start doubting my decisions. Am I making my boundries to high?

Mr. Christian

Boundaries too high ? You are kidding right?

There are some times that require a little more then just waiting.
The longer you are living with a mad man the longer it will take you to recover, just a thought.


What are you doing with the rest of your life?

embraced2000

setting boundries for ourselves is a very good thing to do......however, i always knew my xah would not honor my boundries, cause he really didn't give a chit at all.....so when i set a boundry it was up to me to follow through with what the consequences would be. not always easy when one is so deep into the alcoholic madness environment.....mine always managedd to keep me so off balance that i didn't always know which way to turn....which sounds kinda where you might be.

dropping him from the insurance might not be that easy. you will have to check with your agent. where i live, as long as they live in the same place with you, they have to be on the policy. sounds like a good reason for him to have another address, along with the cheating, lying, alcoholic chaos, and not contributing to the household.

do you find that everything revolves around the alcoholic??? maddening, isn't it?
it just about drove me insane.

still have that credit card? are you ready?

Pick-a-name

I know the feelings of self-doubt....that is just part of what is leftover from your own denial and IMHO, he injects that just because he knows that in the past it has worked to his benefit.

Your children see the truth about his behavior;probably one reason he tried to dump it into your lap! My children are about this age,too and when I start down the path of minimizing the situation, they often give me a reality check. I am finding that sometimes I ask them to remind me,when I start to buy into the subtle manipulations. I sometimes consider the things they observe and say to me are a gift of God doing for me what I can not do for myself!

Stay the course.....you are on the right path.

In the future, when you drive by and see his car,try to keep on driving and think : Oh,there he is again,and go about your own life. Save the time and energy for something more positive. It gets easier with practice. If you are like me,at one time I wanted the "answers" because I needed them to keep in my own denial. At a certain point,I knew I was only deluding myself and when he lied to me and I tried to believe it,I got angry...AT ME! more than anything. He is sick: he will drink and he will lie to "protect" that. When I removed myself as an easy excuse to him and me for HIS behavior;things got easier and started getting clearer. Also, gives the A a better chance to actually choose to get real help. JMHO

Not to say it is "right" or not frustrating!!

Glad you are here; it helps to remember these times (without the drama) becasue it lets me see clearer my own life and prepares me for my own situations.

Keep venting. You sound like you are doing just fine.

Pick-a-name

p.s. I can't remember if I "officially" welcomed you here to SR; consider it done now! Glad you are here!

We might be near-neighbors....I am about 50 miles south of the "northcoast" (Cleveland)!

denny57

Have you talked to your sponsor, if you have one, or reached out in meetings?

hadenoughnow

I don't blame you one bit, I made my DH go on his own medical ins, I was paying up the wazoo just because he thought we should all be on the same plan, the real reason of course is he just does not want the money to come out of his paycheck and one more way he shoves all financial responsibilty on me

LaTeeDa

Therapists are only for guidance. They do not make decisions for you. The guideline of waiting six months is just that, a suggestion. It sounds to me like you are done. (BTW, that's exactly what my therapist said to me when phrases like the above started coming out of my mouth.) You are the only one who knows what's right for you.

Welcome, and best wishes on your journey.

L

parentrecovers

hugs, woobie. remember - you have choices. blessings, k

woobie

Thank you guys!!! OK...my boundries are NOT to high- old behaviors of feeling indecisive and insecure overcame me...just for a second! I feel myself getting stronger with each episode that I have with him it seems the more he screws up the more I put the alanon lifestyle to work and the better I feel. As for "catching" him in the act mode, I am getting better, one time I waited in parking lot untill he came out and confronted him (what was funny with that one is that he said that he only went in there to go to the bathroom- he must have had to go bad 1 1/2hrs) I don't go looking for him and most of the time I see his car I do just drive by- he is a few frys short of a happy meal and is not very good anymore of hiding his problem. I think all the drugs and drinking fried his brain. What is sad is that he pretends to be going to meetings and working the steps- and he thinks he is fooling me but really he is hurting himself and he does not see it.
As for me I keep very busy with my parents, work & my dogs, as for my kids I would like to spend more time with them but they don't want to be home as long as he is in the house. I know that will change once he is out of the house.
(pickaname I live in Strongsville)