Kitkatt

Hi everyone,
I just wanted some advice about silent treatment from their AH. It has been 12 days now and we haven't spoken a word. 4 of those days were before he left to go out of town on business. Any other time he would have called to check on business things and to say hi and let me know he made it safely. But not this time. What started the silence is a conversation we had concerning me paying off a credit card for him with some of the money I inherited from my Dad. My Dad passed away on August 19th..so I have been grieving and very sad at losing him...you would think a husband would be there for their wife. But, all he has talked about since I got back home from the funeral ...is what and how much I will get? I wasn't worried about that...I didn't want to lose my Dad to get anything. I told him the money wasn't here yet and I didn't want to discuss money right now. Mind you he started drinking beer at 10am...He said he would pay it back..blah blah blah..which I know isn't true. I didn't fall for his game. I finally asked him if he feels I owe it to him...(which was dumb to ask while he was drinking..but sometimes you get more truth when they are buzzed than lies when they are sober.) He basically said yes...because i give you a nice home..things...and you want for nothing LOL! First of all we both run this business and I also have a part time job. So what we have we have built together. Anyway, I could see where it was all going...the control..the guilt and him wanting what he wants. Most of all for me not to have any money in my own name..that he can't touch. I can see through it and he knows it. I almost went into the can't you understand how I am still upset over losing my Dad and let me just have this time and love and support me? Then my brain kicked in and I realized i was talking to a beer can again Lol. Anyway, I said well I am going to take a bath..he said ok. I walked away. After my bath...I made him a sandwich and laid it on the table..he was watching tv. He didn't eat the sandwich and hasn't spoken a word since...so the walking away part must have gotten to him or he is still upset because his control didn't work.
I have enjoyed these 8 days alone, stayed busy working some..my GF and I went to movies..and out to lunches...also i was dancing to music in my living room Lol..i feel so free!! Now I just dread the drama that I know from experience is coming when he gets home. I would love to believe this time he hasn't talked or called, because he is thinking about what he did wrong and how it must have hurt me for him to bring up money...at such a hard time..but when my brain kicks in and not my heart Lol..i know he is just stewing and brainstorming about how to change my mind.
Oh well long story, but for those of you who have been there any advice would be helpful. I just don't want to dread and be nervous and be obvious about it when he comes home.... walking on eggshells in your own house sucks!
The post here are so helpful...I feel like I am not so alone in my struggles to understand the addiction and my part in it.
Thanks!!
God Bless,
Kitkatt

denny57

I am not a lawyer so I am not giving legal advice, just sharing my recent experience.

During our marriage, my brother died. I inherited some money from his life insurance policy. I put it in our joint account, as xAH was not working at the time.

About 2 years prior to separation, his parents gifted us some money from his grandmother's estate. We put it in a joint account and used it to start an off-shoot of our business in Canada.

During our divorce, he claimed it was his sole inheritance. The judge agreed with him, even though he could produce no will and his parents would not submit an affidavit saying so. He was awarded that sum out of the sale of our house.

As I understand it, in California, money from an inheritance belongs to the person who inherits UNLESS it's used for joint obligations. Please check with an attorney.

I am sorry to hear how your husband has behaved since the loss of your father. I understand. ((( )))

Kitkatt

Hi Denny,
I am sorry your situation was like that...thanks for sharing. Yes, in California, inheritance belongs to the person it was given too. I recieved the money while he was out of town and put it in an account of my own in a different bank from the one we use for our joint accounts. Everything is in my name only... I picked up my debit card and checks at the bank..I asked to have online statements only, none will be sent to our home. He has no clue that it even came or how much or where it is..and I made the beneficiaries my children. I refuse to discuss it anymore. If I could trust him as far as I could throw him, I would have gladly joined the money and been happy to share it. I wish it was that way..but it is what it is.

Silence right now it harder than it might be at another time. My daughter recently left CA after living near to me for 9 years..she is doing great..but I miss her. The move was good for her..she got a great job and is happier. My AH has seen how much loss I have had lately..but it seems now he thinks I am even more vunerable to hurt and maybe I am. I put up a good front...but it does hurt..when you can't even turn to the man you took vows with and trust that they can be there for you.
Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I am living in this...does any of this sound familar?
I am an upbeat person and always inspiring others to be happy and positive..maybe i should listen to my own advice huh Lol.
I am happy for you that you got out...I hope you have a peaceful and more joyful life now
Kitkatt

prodigal

An inheritance or a gift belongs to the recipient alone. You might want to seriously consider, for your own financial well-being, putting the funds in an account that is in your name ALONE.

As Denny posted, even if the money from an inheritance becomes part of commingled funds, it is still considered a "gift" and is the sole property of the recipient.

I happen to know this information from having taken contract and domestic law courses. Splitting money and belongings becomes a central issue during divorce proceedings; however, it also becomes an issue during contract disputes.

Kitkatt

hi Anvil,
I have tried..not sure I am there yet..i do wake up everyday and pray...and thank God for what I do have and what I am grateful for...when I feel thoughts that will bring me down coming into my head...i think of my Grandgirl or flowers or the ocean...deep breathing. It is that constant feeling of dread that is nagging me..fear of the unknown ..which I guess is part of being human. I know his addiction controls alot of my energy. I am definately a codie..and I wish I wasn't.
Kitkatt

Kitkatt

Thanks Prodigal..i did put the money in an account under my own name. It is good to know it is safe. My AH talks so much about money..things...getting more...I wish he would focus more on the really important things in life. I know on my Dad's death bed he wasn't concerned about his bank account. We are very different as people and what we hold as valuable in life..that has been hard even without the drinking part.
you have a great quote and it is so true!!
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love

prodigal

My AH tends to obsess over money. I come from the perspective that whether I have a lot or just a little, it's not going with me when I check out for good.

It's okay to have a normal concern about financial security, although with the events of the past week, I think all of us are on shakier ground! Acquiring money and material things was my attempt to fill up the emptiness I had inside. It did not work.

Now I don't have anything to speak of, but I am far more content. Your AH has chosen his focus. From my own personal experience, I have found it virtually impossible to change someone's focus. They have to desire that for themselves.

Is there a chance your AH will start turning up the pressure or threaten you in order to have you give him money?

Kitkatt

Prodigal,
I agree a little or alot you can't take it with you. I have been poor and I have had more...either way it doesn't make you happy. He watches the gold and stock market like a hawk...will read for hours on the net about finances. I am proud he is a good businessman and at least cares..but there are other things in life! I know you are right about his focus. It is up to him to see it not me and I can't change it.
In these shaky times, who knows is right..but everyone is in the same boat..might as well learn to paddle.

He can try to harrass and threaten..but it won't work..my Dad would NEVER want him to have a dime of his hard earned money..that is my first thought and I will refuse to talk about it with him ..he can throw a fit all by himself. I know he will be distant and try to break me down...I expect nothing else....i just have to realize it is a ploy and not let it get me down and grow stronger from it. I am learning one day at a time
I am usually the one who breaks the silent treatment and I feel weak...I do it to get some peace and release the tension in the house...and this time I just don't have it in me..I guess it will go on as long as it needs to. Not really sure what to do or say anymore...even when he is sober..nothing seems to phase him.
Thanks for your concern and post.
Kitkatt

Freedom1990

The wonderful thing about being a codie is we can finally recognize it and begin to take steps to enhance our lives without depending on another.

I sold myself short for so many years, even after I left the EXAH, and all my wonderful friends in recovery would tell me what a warm and loving person I was, but I just couldn't see that.

I still had to get some sort of payoff from relationships with dysfunctional men. I finally hit my codie bottom when my then fiance walked out, leaving my savings at zero, after I had come to love his two daughters very much who had spent a month with us, and I was left in the midst of the carnage. That was the eye opener for me.

I sincerely pray you come to a place in your life where you can embrace yourself for the kind and loving woman that you are, and you learn to be your best friend! :ghug

denny57

Well, unless the judge decides that what the wife got from her brother's death is joint and what the couple got from his parents is the husband's LOL!!!! I did not get my share of my brother's death benefits.

Thus only one of the reasons for my appeal LOL!!!!!!


Sadly, yes. I remember when my brother died suddenly I was devastated. xAH said to me "you don't get to be upset right now." WTF???????

I have come to understand and accept that much of xAH's behavior had nothing to do with drinking. He is who he is.

GiveLove

When my sister committed suicide, my then-ABF was very kind (well, reasonably kind, compared to how he usually was) for a while.

At the end of the summer, when I brought up his drinking one day, he said, "And here I've been kissing your a** all summer!"

So much for compassion.

That gutted what was left of our relationship. Since when is it a**-kissing to support someone when they're emotionally broken?

Sorry about your dad, kitkatt, hang on to those dollars and use it some day for something that will make him smile down at you from heaven.

Your husband is trying the old silent treatment trick...gosh, it's always worked on you before. He must be pretty hot under the collar that it isn't working this time

Kitkatt

Thanks so much freedom for your post. And for your prayers! I seem to find dysfunctional men too...i was married 19 years before this marriage to a bi-polar man..who has anger and control issues. I knew what I didn't want..and by george if I didn't find worse. All my friends and family love me and tell me I dont' deserve this and am a good person. I know that deep down..i just beat myself up for allowing it to go on so long. And being scared to stay and scared to leave. But everyday I am getting stronger and SR has helped and all the great people who encourage and tell their stories. I am amazed at how many of us are the same and have endured some of the same things. I am working on being my best friend..thanks for the kind words.
God bless
Kitkatt

Kitkatt

Lol Denny about what the judge decides! I wish you luck with your appeal
I am sorry your XAH said that to you when your brother died. It must have been anguish for you. He is your angel now and in a better place. and I agree drunk or not..my AH can and has been an A_hole for years!! IT is just how he is most of the time. He thinks he is right and it is his way or the highway..buzz..drunk or not. I wish he believed in God , but he thinks he is God LOL!
I don't sit to close to him afraid I will get struck by lightening Lol!
Thanks for your post and take care
Kitkatt

Kitkatt

hi Givelove,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Sister. I can only imagine how devasting that can be. And to have your ABF say that to you is terrible!Thank God you got him out of your life. You deserve better!
Thank you for your sweet comments ..I will hang on to my dollars and do something with it my Dad would be happy about.
Yeah my AH isn't going to be happy with my changes..walking away when he is buzzed..drunk..being stupid. He can go hug his dr. coors as he calls it and they can be all happy together Lol!
I have made plans to take an art class soon and spend lots of ME time...it feels good to be able to put me first and not feel guilty. What took me so long???
Thanks for your post and take good care
Kitkatt

denny57

I should add - for all the stories I can tell about xAH, I am grateful that living with alcoholism led me down a path of self discovery I might never have tried otherwise.

Kitkatt

Denny that is so true! Life is a great journey and everything that has happened to us makes us who we are today