blue-eyed soul

the past two weekends have been right up there as the most difficult in my 10-year marriage/12-year relationship with my AH. i am on the brink of leaving, and i wanted to share what happened and what i am thinking about/doing to see if ya'll have any words of wisdom.

very briefy, AH's behavior while drinking has become more unpredictable and erratic, ranging from calling a real estate agent unbeknownst to me (the house is in his name only) to trying to shoot a limb off a tree he had cut that was hung up in another tree (a sheriff's deputy happened by and suggested that firing a shotgun in the town limits might not be such a great idea). last weekend he fell out of his truck (the passenger side, thank goodness), badly cutting his head and perhaps cracking some ribs. he also has been making vulgar and debasing sexual remarks (one of my boundaries is no sex if he's drinking). on sunday he was in a state of "f... the world/i don't care about anything/i'm not going to change/you deserve better than me/find someone who will treat you the way you deserve" (he responded pretty well to my asking if he wanted to get healthy and put down the budweiser but went ballistic when i suggested he get help -- i very rarely mention his drinking and don't think i have ever suggested he get help). this is just the very condensed version of what's been going on.

i feel like he is pushing me to leave so that i am then the one held to blame (he has huge self-esteem problems and very strong feelings of "i am not worthy of you," as well as a great suspicion of women/relationships in general, so i can clearly see him pushing to the point of leaving and then saying, "see, i told you it wouldn't work. all women are bad" or something to that effect) but not that he really wants me to.

i also fear he has reached or is reaching a crisis state, and while i am not afraid for my physical safety, i believe my emotional well-being is reaching a crisis state as well.

at any rate, i have or plan to do this:

i made an appointment with a counselor (for me; there's no way he would ever go) to discuss at what point love, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness are superseded by self-preservation

i am going to try an al-anon meeting tomorrow for the first time if i can work up the nerve

i have asked an attorney about my rights regarding the house (AH was mortified to discover that the real estate agent had actually shown up, saying "that was a little over the top"). i also am going to find out what happens if i leave (i know that in some cases abandoning the home is not looked upon favorably, but i want to find out if that is the case under these circumstances)

i have talked to my dad, who knows my AH well, has seen some of what goes on, and whom i think will be able to give me some financial support if i need to leave

i have been looking online at some rentals to see what's out there

this is the closest i have ever been to leaving (have moved beyond thinking about it to actually doing some of these things)

thoughts? can i stay under these conditions or do i need to get the heck out now? is there an option "c" under which things get better, or is that just wishful thinking?

thanks to all of you for all you do for people like me ..

Latte

I think your list is pretty good.

I'm sure others who have gone through things like this will come along.

My husband had a list but I don't know where it is and I'm not going to ask. I've been in recovery for about a year and a half and he has never threatened me with it, but I did sign a statement saying that if I used or drank that I would have to go back to treatment or find a new place to live.

Things can get better but if you need to leave, my prayers are with you...well they are with you either way.

Lilyflower

Welcome Blue!

SR is a fab place to share your anxieties, feelings and seek advice, so kudos to you for reaching out! I am glad you are here.

As to how things are at home for you, it is all very familiar, my ex was exactly the same, very low self esteem, seemed to push me further and further until I made a decision because he couldn't/didn't want to.

The thing is, addicts are like this in general. They will twist and turn things to their advantage, they do not like change, admitting to problems, admitting they are possibly in the wrong etc etc.

Read through the stickies at the top of our forum, one in particular is ''What Addicts do'', it is upsetting to read at first, but I must say that having spent nearly a year on this site almost daily, I can vouch for the fact that what it says is true, this has been proven to me in my own experience and from what I have seen other's share.

If you stay or go is up to you. My only suggestion would be that you begin to think in terms of what you need, what you want, what is acceptable or not to you. As the only thing we have any control over is ourself.

Remember that you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

blessed4x

Welcome blue-eyed soul!! I had to giggle when I read this. Not that it's at all funny, but I still have visions of looking out the front window and seeing my AH shooting into our tree (in the pouring rain) with my 12 year old standing below holding a huge fish net. Apparently there was a racoon up there and he thought if it jumped out it would be a good idea for a child to catch it. Of course I ran out and stopped the whole shenanigan before anyone was injured. We live in a nice neighborhood, and I'm sure our neighbors think he must be off his rocker!

It's this sort of thing that has added up to make me think, like you, it's not how I want to live. Sounds like you are on the right track, and further ahead than lots of us when we first found this place. Hope you keep posting!

denny57

Three years post-separation and xAH is still blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life for the past 20 years.

Who cares? I'm happy, joyous and FREE. Blame away! No addiction is taking the good life from me ever again.

Would love to hear how the meeting goes tomorrow.

Good luck!

blue-eyed soul

hi again,

i was really interested in reading the thread you mentioned but couldn't find it; could you please help me? thanks!

i went to my first al-anon meeting today ... it was really, really hard to be there, and i have to admit i bawled the entire time. i don't think it was what i expected (i think i thought it would be more "i have this situation; how do i learn to distance myself when AH behaves like this?" instead of topic-driven), but i will say this: it was amazing to realize that i was in a group of people who knew what i was feeling/going through. my friends and family are supportive, but they don't actually know or understand that aspect of my life with AH.

i am going to return (with more kleenex and waterproof mascara ...), and i have my first appointment with a counselor on tuesday.

i think i wanted more immediate results (what are techniques for dealing with AH when he is drunk, for example?), but i can see how ultimately i will walk away with those results; it will just take time.

thanks again, all. i will keep reading here, too.

bookwyrm

At the top of the forum is a link called Classic Reading. Scroll down and you'll come to http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
There is a whole load of interesting reading here - take your time and go through them - it helped me lots!

I also recommend reading Co-dependant No More by Melody Beattie. This book really helped me change the way I lived in a practical way and may be useful to you too.

There are no quick fixes though but you have started on a long and interesting journey. Best wishes!

Lilyflower

Blue, I'm glad you found acceptance and understanding at your first meeting, and that you are going to keep going, that's great because as you rightly said, you will learn tools there to help you get through the days with your AH, sanity in tact!

Keep reading and posting here too, this iste is also a wonderful place to vent and find clarity, I have used this site as my ''meetings'' for the last 11 months! It truely is a blessing,

I second Bookwyrm's suggestion of getting the Melody Beattie book, Codependant No More, she has written many books, all fab!

Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

blue-eyed soul

ack! i just read that sticky (what addicts do), and i didn't like it much! that's a hard reality to come to.

thank you, though. i'm sure i will be coming to lots of hard realities in the coming days ...

big hugs of gratitude!

Bernadette

Hi Blue-eyed-soul-
I sobbed through my first 3 or 4 AlAnon meetings - even if I felt "together" when I walked in the room I would just feel my throat swelling up as soon as we got started!!!

I think it is double edged: relief that, phew I am not alone and there is a program that can help me, and a sort of final THUD acceptance that yes, things are as bad as I've been trying to pretend they're not, and with that comes a flood - a letting go of all the pent up sadness, control, frustration, fear etc...

I hope you keep going and find some help there. I know it made all the difference for me, just really turned my head around and helped ME get healthy!

Welcome - stick around!
Peace-
B.

blue-eyed soul

thanks, bernadette -- i think you are so right. i have been convincing myself for so long that this is a "normal" marriage, when all around me i see my friends and family spending time with their spouses, having rational, real conversations ... how on earth have i believed that hurting so much was "normal"?

to add to my list above:

yesterday i divided our bills 60/40 (he makes more than i do) and gave him a list with all the details of the ones for him to assume, including his work visa, which he uses for non-work items (like beer and cigarettes) and i then find myself scrambling to find a way to pay. i made sure the ones i gave him weren't in my name! this takes so much pressure off me to be sure he gets his "allowance" or to pay his work credit card.

i also got the packet of health insurance info. from my employer (just in case!) and ordered the al-anon book the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage (i'm a planner, if you couldn't tell ... and I AM GOING TO BE OK! well, eventually ...)

Lilyflower

(((Blue))) you will be alright, you are committed to being so, and so it will happen for you.

The realisations and acceptance of how life TRULY is for us F&F can be a shock to the system as we come out of the denial. Saying that though, once I accepted my reality for what it was and faced up to some home truths, life became so much clearer and I could make decisions necessary to my recovery and health.

I would not choose now to go back into ''ostrich mode'' and stick my head back in the sand of denial, life is so much more full, meaningful and enjoyable for me.

Peace and blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx