ladybirdflys

Hi all,

Thank you for this wonderful and informational forum! I've been pouring over the posts, gathering so much valuable information. It is truly wonderful and remarkable to see so many people in recovery offering one another advice and support.

My question is this:

For the last year, I've dated a man who is an occasional binge drinker. He has some wonderful qualities: he is genuinely kind, clean, responsible, considerate, athletic, handsome. He has a steady job and his drinking never interfered with his ability to function on a day-to-day basis. We share all the same interests and got along wonderfully, rarely ever arguing over anything. But when his drinking got out of control, he was a completely different person. He could be so hurtful and sadly, a lot of my fond memories of us are punctuated by negative ramifications of his addictive behavior. Additionally, he has a past marriage and a child, which I have difficulty accepting.

About 8 months ago, I entered into my own program of recovery for an eating disorder. I did so for myself, because I was sick of being so unhappy with the way I treated myself. By doing so, I was able to see how other negative influences on my life could be affecting my happiness and sense of self worth.

After a particularly upsetting incident involving my bf's use of alcohol, I ended the relationship. It was very frightening yet empowering for me, as I had never ended a relationship purely on the basis that it wasn't working *for me*. I fully articulated my feelings and said that I could not tolerate his abusive use of alcohol in conjunction with my own recovery. I've struggled in the past to communicate on my own behalf and this was a big step for me!

Not intentionally on my part, I think it was a big wake-up call for him. He emailed me that he started going to AA and I said, "Good! Get a sponsor, work the steps!" (in so many words). We have been corresponding since then and talked on the phone yesterday and tonight. He hasn't had a drink since we broke up (25 days ago) and is attending meetings. He is SO open and expressive, like nothing I've ever seen in him before. He tells me how much loves me (something he seldom said before), how he wants to share his life with me, sends love letters, songs, emails, the works. What to do?

Of course I still love him, but I know three weeks worth of sobriety isn't very telling. From my own experience working the steps, I know he has a lot of emotional baggage to unload. The relapse rate is high, etc etc etc. Plus, I have an eight year track record of being in four consecutive, back to back, relationships (including him). I know time alone will enable me to grow as a person and become a better version of myself...but I get scared, lonely and sad.

I guess I am just looking for some guidance from those who have been down this road before. I know I need to go to al-anon and a work a program around this. I don't want to "give in" to my love of this man, compromising my strength and boundaries. But I also miss him and long to have him back in my life. Sorry for the long post, but can anyone offer support or guidance for someone who loves an alcoholic but knows that right now is not the right time for a relationship? He wants to meet tomorrow and I said yes...now I am thinking it is not such a good idea...

Lilyflower

Hello Ladybirdflys, welcome to SR!

Firstly, congratulations to you for taking some big steps in your recovery! I can really relate to difficulties in assertiveness, ending relationships etc. When I told my abf that I was done and wanted out, it was the first relationship I had ended EVER! It was a huge step for me, usually I would hang on and on until they did the dead themselves. It is empowering to realise that the strength to take care of ourslelves lies within!

I have never had the opportunity to reconcile with my exabf. He is still drinking, our break up was not an eye opener for him. However when I was in the process of ending the relationship, I did find it easier to get through the split by thinking that it was a temporary measure, that he may find recovery and we can start again. At one point he made a last ditch effort at stopping, and it might have succeeded in making me back track on my resolve to get out of the chaos, only that I had some good words of wisdom from my friends and family here at SR and home.

One thing that was said to me was to give it time. If he was committed to his recovery, this would become apparent in time. My sister advised that a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things and thinking romantically, as I am a softie at heart, if we were meant to be together, then we would come back together no matter how long we had been apart.

It helped me to begin the end of my relationship with this thought in mind. If he found recovery, great! however I would still dedicate a year of my life to me, to heal, to grow, to find myself again. I too like you, have jumped from one relationship to another for years on end. I have lost who I was, and am now enjoying discovering that again.

For me, what helped me to keep my resolve and perspective on myself and him was no face to face contact. We still talk on the phone. At first this was every day, now, we only speak if I call him, and I find I don't think about it that often at all. We talk perhaps once a month or so.

What I have learnt is that, this time, right now, is about me. I deserve and owe it to myself to allow me time to become a whole person once again, and I know how easily I become enmeshed in someone else and so I choose to not get involved with him, or anyone else right now.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When I was thinking these things

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, ladybirdflys!

I've been down that road before.
My husband was also a binge drinker who had lots of wonderful qualities.
His attempts at recovery have resulted in a good deal of self-doubt for me.

Take care.
-TC

I would get fed up with his periodic absences and uncaring manner, and I would KNOW that continuing in the marriage was toxic for me.
But, when the sober, handsome, attentive man that I loved appeared before me, it was hard for me to remember why I was finished the relationship.

I actually asked my husband to move back in after he finished in-patient treatment (though we had originally planned to live apart while we each worked our program). He seemed transformed, and I missed the beautiful parts of him.

He was not transformed. That's not to say that treatment didn't help him or show him a brighter path, but he was simply unable to stay sober for extended periods of time. And all of the craziness that I had sworn off before, gradually crept back into my life.

We live apart now.

I believe that my husband can find sobriety, but my experience has shown me that I play little to no part in that process (I used to think I was the star!).
For me, it has been a good decision to step away from AH's addiction and let him take full responsibility for getting better - on his own schedule.
After all, it is his life.

You can love your SO up close and personal while he's trying to recover. I can say that, for me, it brought too much pain. It's much easier for me to love my husband from a distance.

Be cautious with your heart. True change is demonstrated over time.

ladybirdflys

Thank you both so much for your insightful posts! I really appreciate what you had to say about time. If time tells that we are "meant to be" (there is my romantic side making an appearance!) then being apart will only solidify that truth. If he is unable to maintain sobriety in his recovery, then I won't have to suffer the pitfalls...or deal with the self-doubt that will inevitably come up. That has ALREADY come up in so many ways.

I emailed my posting to my sponsor. She replied that she believes I glossed over the negative ramifications of his drinking. That it is to blame for his first marriage ending and reminded me of some of the more painful aspects of our own relationship. As much as I don't want it to be true, I think she is right. Denial is so deceiving!

Thanks again for the support...

denny57

I found denial to be a nice soft comfy place LOL.

Your sponsor sounds great - I hope he has found one, too.

kj3880

I still feel pain sometimes when I think of how I broke up with my abf at a tough time for him. But you know what, it is always a bad time to break up with an A. There is always some crisis going on in their lives.
I think sometimes about how nice it was to have someone to always talk to, cuddle with, etc...
Then I play the tape all the way through and remember how during the talking there would always be screaming, and during the cuddling I could always smell the rank odor of alcoholic beverages wafting off of him. And it helps me to remember that.
KJ

lovtolaff

You can say that again - "always some crisis going on in their lives". In the two years that I was with xabf we had more "drama" than I think I've had in my whole life.

Yes I'm playing that tape all the way thru too - I struggle with "missing" the good stuff and sometimes I tend to forget the turmoil that was mostly there.

Thank you for the reminder.