TooMuch4TooLong

Yup, you guessed it, the stbxah. I was walking out of the building and I noticed someone I work with was leaving really early for her. So I was almost to my car when I noticed that something was wrong with my friend's car. It took me a second, it just didn't register that it wasn't her car, it was his TRUCK. I panicked. Big time. I turned around and ran back into the building and into my office. I heard him yell, "COME HERE!" The way he said it scared me almost as badly as seeing him there.

Another girl I work with saw me and the state I was in and asked what was wrong. When I told her she and the new girl she is training (poor kid has only been with us for four days, I hope I didn't scare her. She seems like a tough cookie though) told me to stay put, grabbed their cell phones went out to the parking lot. He was already gone, thankfully.

My friend who usually parks right next to me called me when I got home to see what was wrong. She left at exactly five o'clock and I left at seven after. Is it just me or is that creepy? Within five minutes of her leaving he was there. He knows her truck but maybe I am being paranoid or something. I don't know. Thank God I was not wearing heels today.

We haven't seen each other or spoken for a month now. Actually it was a month on the 29th. Today was his payday (if he still has a job) and it is the first of the month so I am assuming his rent is due. Maybe he needed money. He has my private line at work, why not call instead of just show up in the parking lot? Why wait in the parking lot, why not go into the lobby and ask to see me? WTF?

I don't like to be afraid, I do not like being afraid to leave my office, my territory I know it does no good to try to analyze him but what could he possibly be thinking? I went home a different way and spent almost as much time looking in the rear view as I did where I was going. I have to completely change my routine now which aggravates me to no end, I am such a creature of habit and do not like when outside influences force me to change my routine. I am not going into the parking lot alone.

Another woman I work with who has been a tremendous amount of support said she had seen the truck at the building next door to ours late this afternoon parked by where we go to smoke. I never go there alone, we smokers posse up lol. This blows, I have nothing to say to him. I just want a divorce and go on with my life. I am not going to let him intimidate me but I will be damned if I am going to allow him to cause a scene at my office. Next time he is out there I will call the police and let them do what they do best. Protect and serve. GRRRRRRR!

HopeandPrayer

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this man, is there anyway you can get a no contact order if you are afraid of him?

:ghug3

Chrysalis123

Wow, that must have been scary for you. How are you feeling now?

kj3880

Well, I've been through this one, and I can tell you, some of these people are tough to get rid of. I got an initial restraining order on my ex, who is from South America, and the laws are very different in his country. He made a mockery of the first restraining order by hanging out in the parking lot of the only supermarket in my tiny town waiting for me for about a week.

When I didn't go there (I drove the 10 miles to the next town when I saw him there), he started visiting and calling everyone that I knew:
My parents
My siblings (all 7)
My siblings spouses (all 7)
My boss
My employees
My best friend
My best friends' husband at his workplace
My lawyer
My accountant (WTF??)
My shrink
Any of my exs that he knew of
Then he made his buddies' wife call me to try to get around the order (that isn't a legal defense, it still counts as a crime; it is a contact.)
Then he hacked into my home computer and cyber-stalked me. He copied the messages that I wrote on a forum I was on then and sent them to my boss. That was embarrasing. And illegal, too.

When all my friends and family and business associates started calling complaining that he was bothering them, I hauled him back into court with a more specific order. The new order specified that he was to stay away from me, my kids, my workplace, my family, and my friends and exs.

He didn't restrain himself and started calling me repeatedly, then. I saved the taped messages, text messages, and e-mails he left me and my ex, and my youngest sister's husband, and we went to get a warrant from the county court commissioner in 2 counties (he violated where I work and where I live, fortunately). This tactic was especially effective, because he got 2 warrants. He was arrested in one jurisdiction, processed, made bail there, then was hauled off to another county to do it all over. It took a couple days that way and was a good deterrent, because spending a couple days in jail is a lot worse than a couple of hours.

He was convicted a month later of stalking and criminal harrassment (several counts). He received two years of supervised probation and psychological counselling. The order was issued for his deportation shortly after, and now he can't be found as he's hiding from Homeland Security. Good, finally!
KJ

TooMuch4TooLong

While it was scary I am ok. Like me, he is a creature of habit so while I knew it was possible that he would show up I really did not think it probable. He is pretty careful about going far distances when he has been drinking and I work about twenty minutes from where he lives and works and I have no reason to believe he has quit. Where we are, that is such a loooong drive from where he is to where I work. Mostly because in the area we live there are only two actual freeways.

The only time he was ever near where I work was because after months of saying I needed to get my car in the shop so quit spending money on booze it finally broke down in the parking lot. In essence it is very small southern town with a lot of tourists and if you have lived in the area any amount of time the local police know your vehicle and you just because you see them when you get your coffee in the morning with them.

Kj he is already on parole for DWI but I was the smart girl who had him interstate compacted to somewhere that is so very lax on such things. I will not hesitate to do what I need to at this point. I will not allow him to terrorize me for my imagined wrong doings. I fought for him to be here I can fight to put him back. I am tired from all of this and going to sleep. Thanks for the support y'all.

prodigal

2much4/2long, I would like to address you situation as a woman who is a former battered spouse. That will prejudice my opinion; nonetheless, I was married to a man I never thought would do anything more than shoot his mouth off by verbally abusing me or playing head games.

Your stbxAH is starting to test the limits. Don't give him the opportunity to go any further. He may not. Then again, he may.

I went to court when I saw - REALLY saw - what my ex was capable of doing when he felt scared, desperate, and wanted his way. I managed to get out with my important belongs, my beloved cat, and my life. And, to this day, I am surprised he didn't take me down when he tried to shove me onto our driveway and then grabbed ahold of the driver's door of my car as I was attempting to back out the driveway to get the heck away from him.

Three days later, I was in court asking the judge for a restraining order. I was scared, alone, and had no family to stay with or support me.

But I wasn't going to "test the waters" any further. I carried that protective order with me everywhere I went.

My ex made a half-hearted attempt one last time to keep me from taking property that was rightfully mine from our house. I had my cell phone on 911 and I had the protective order in my hand. He folded like a house of cards when he saw I meant business.

Please get a protective order. You may never need it. Your stbxAH may never pull this stunt again. But you will have the safety and security of knowing that you will have protection at a minute's notice.

All the reasons he won't bother you are valid. But I am living proof that an A is a loose canon on anyone's deck and having a protective order will help you just in case.

Learn to expect the unexpected with an A.

Rella927

TooMuch

Ditto as Prodigal- I was also abused physically...Not saying that it will happen to you but please getting a protective/restraining order will at least attempt to let him know that you mean business!

My X-started out very verbally abusive and showing up everywhere I was (not to mention when he was living with me and after I kicked him out too). It began to escalte to physical towards my animals-threw one into the wall in my bedroom-the other one he would squeeze to get her to CRY! (She was diabetic) and one day hid her insulin and she had a seizure! I cannot even begin to describe the physical abuse I got from him the list is too long! Among disc herniations in my back-to issues with my leg, shoulder...

I was scared to leave my house! He would block the driveway with his car and then throw his body in front of my car (countless times). I think you get the picture....

I thought he would not drive drunk all the way here or there just to stalk me-GUESS WHAT WRONG! Everyone is different but the pattern of A's has gone on in these forums has been very close-and a lot of wonderful recovering A's in our forum will tell you themselves the same thing-Get protection! My X violated the order 5 times-was put in jail-etc...until finally he was on probabtion for 2 years in two different countys! He finally realized it was serious!

I do not mean to scare you in any shape or form-just like Prodi I want you to be aware that what you might think he would never do-he very well could! This is a serious disease and not something that you want to not take as such.

Please keep us posted and stay safe!

justanothrdrunk

I third the protective order idea.

Also, from a guy's perspective, when you're alone - no problem confronting you. When you're with other women - no problem confronting you. When you're with a male - I need to size up the guy first - hesitation. When you're with a large male - I really need to think twice.

When walking to your car at work, consider a large male as an escort (if available). Also, there's building security guards where I work. If you can, get one of them to escort you.

Ago

Quatro ditto on the restraining order

just as a "manly man" ex practicing alcoholic, and this is JUST me but Security Guards don't scare me (there is protection there, don't be afraid to use it) but justanotherdrunk sized it up well from the testosterone point of view

Not to scare you, but there are too many stories that begin with, "he seemed like such a nice guy...."

Don't let one of those stories be yours, be safe, take care of yourself, get the restraining order.

Don't let this man terrorize you and/or stalk you. Don't let him get away with that behavior. Take your power back, we are only powerless over that which we give our power to, take yours back from this man.

TooMuch4TooLong

Advice and point well taken and y'all aren't the only ones who have said the same. I was talking to a friend of mine who lives next door to my father (here after known as Joe, I do not consider him a father for reasons of my own) anyway it seems like all the wackos decided to come out of the woodwork yesterday.

Joe went to see my Friend because he has not heard from me. He went by our old house and saw the for rent sign. He told my friend that he was worried about me, that he knew the stbxah had a very bad temper when he was drinking and was afraid the stbxah had put me in the hospital. My Friend told me flat out that she is scared for me and thinks he is out of control, same with one of my supervisors at work. We don't have security at our building but you can't get in with out a fob. Unless someone lets you in.

So I am trying to work this out, if I get a protection order against him that is an automatic parole violation. As I said, the law here is pretty lax but not where he was paroled from and where he was paroled from would not mind taking him back. The state we used to live in has the largest prison population in the country and proud of it.

So I need brutally honesty here guys. If I put a protective order on him there is a chance he will go back to prison, the only reason I have hesitated. Does that sound co-dependent? Tell me the truth. I think it does. I know this sounds bad but if he does go back to prison it sure would make filing for divorce a lot cheaper, but that would not be the motive. I mean him no harm, I just want to go on with my life.

So when everyone tells you been there, done that I would be a fool not to listen. I mean we all know there are folks here on the board that are still waiting for that magic cure that most of us know does not exist. I am not in denial anymore, I just hate to do that to him. Going back to prison won't help him at all, I know this for a fact. I feel bad for him on that and don't like the thought that I will end up being the reason he goes back.

I dreamed last night that we had gotten back together. It was not a good dream and it does not take a degree in psychology to figure out what that was about. I have to protect me. I also know that my daughter is too young to lose her mother. He did almost kill me once shortly before I left him. He did not remember any of it the next day. My daughter not having a mother will not help her. AT ALL. So I guess over the weekend I fill out the forms and get them to the county court house on Monday. This really sucks, I never wanted things to be like this for either of us, I just wanted my own life.

LaTeeDa

You are not "doing" anything to him. HIS actions are what got him on parole, right? HIS actions are what is scaring you and prompting you to get a restraining order, right? HIS actions will be the reason he goes back, not you.

If you refrain from protecting yourself in order to protect him--from his own consequences--you are enabling. Period.

Please keep yourself safe.

L

hadenoughnow

This statement answers the question for me. You need a PPO NOW.

My ex was never physically abusive but I believe only because he knew there were certain things I would not tolerate (he spent our entire marriage testing to see what I WOULD tolerate). A jail cell was the only deterrent for him.

TooMuch4TooLong

I know, and I will. I guess this is the part of me that fell in love with the potential of who he could be but not who he really is. I never really did know him at all.

prodigal

Please take this from a woman who went through this: do it. I was in a complete panic when I walked into the district court. First, I met with a woman who counseled abused women. She took down all my information and familiarized me with the process of going before the judge.

I know from my courtroom experience that a judge doesn't want a long-winded story. They generally want a "yes" or "no" to their questions. The forms available at the court take a minute to fill out - at least in Maryland.

In fact, other than meeting with the protective services woman, who filled out a form for me, I did not fill out any forms until after the judge granted the order. Then all I did was sign my name to a form. The following week, I picked up the completed order at court. During the interim, I carried a temporary order with me.

You stbx brought all this upon himself. I understand your fears. I endowed my ex with near-God-like power that kept me frozen in my tracks for a number of years while he hit me, shoved me, hit me, and dragged me across floors by my hair.

Just trust me on this one. I've lived through the threats, fear, violence, and everything that comes with abuse. Walk through the process regardless of your fear.

When my exAH got hit with the order, he folded like a house of cards. Guess who was scared then? It wasn't me, that's for sure!!!

Rainbowsend

This needs acting on as in my experience he's likely to do it again.

Recently had this sort of thing happen too. Driving 50 miles to wait at the station where I get off the train. Sitting outside my home waiting on me and turning up at my mothers. Cyber stalking too, had linked my email to his computer so could see what I was doing online and change passwords for various sites.

I had 3 months of it, the police eventually arrested him and all is quiet. Please take care.