Babyo622

I know that this topic may be a pit off but I need some advice on a situation. Someone very important in my life just told me that they are sterile. I have no idea how to handle this and I am so stressed out. I don't want to cater to someone again like I did with my exALBF but I really care for this person but I also wants kids. He is very caring and honest to tell me this problem since we have only be together for not that long. HELP!

ToughChoices

Just because a person is sterile, it doesn't mean that they are uninterested in having a family. They may just have to be a little more creative in how they go about making that family.

I think the important question to ask is:

Does this person want to have children?

You obviously do.

Babyo622

Yes, he totally wants them and he is very upset that he can't give me them. He said I can break it off and find someone who can give me kids. But besides that one factor he is very kind, sweet, honest and a hard worker...etc.... I am so confused......Adoption is very expensive

Kimmieh

Five days after I met my current boyfriend, I was diagnosed with cancer and to be on the safe side, I opted for a procedure that does not allow me to have my own children anymore (I cannot live with a one in ten chance of developing cancer anytime anywhere).

It is a very depressing and scary thing to tell a new partner that you cannot have biological children with them. It is heartbreaking. Sit down with him and talk about every option there is to have children. Is he ok with a sperm donor? Adoption might be expensive, but it is also rewarding in itself. My BF and I had a conversation and we both want to adopt out of the foster care system (not right now given our issues, but it's what we can both see if the circumstance allow).

I don't know how old you are, but it's a tough call for you. Talk about it, look at all the options and if you are not sure, the sooner you end it the better.

I wish you both good luck and my heart goes out to you and him. Be gentle with him

LaTeeDa

As a mother of two, I'll let you in on a little secret. HAVING KIDS is very expensive, no matter how you do it....................

L

Babyo622

Thank you for sharing your story with me and I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that pain. I just found this out today so we have not been able to sit down and talk about options yet. I guess since it is still so new and to have such a heavy burden now on the relationship it is scary. I am still getting to know him and falling in love with him. I am so confused, I never thought that I would not have my own kids.

Kimmieh

I can see where you are coming from with this, but I still believe they need to have a conversation about their options. If she realizes that not having her own kids is not an option and he is not comfortable with a sperm donor, there really is no future for them.

She should enjoy the now, but they do need to have this conversation because he needs to know what is going on in her mind. When you cannot have children, starting a new relationship at a certain age is a little less carefree and simple. BUT that is not to say that it should be the overriding issue, of course.

Kimmieh

Perhaps, but you didn't have to spend anywhere between $5,000 and $40,000
to just hold the child in your arms. That is money "normal" parents can put towards child rearing. For adoptive parents, that's the hurdle to overcome if they want a child in the first place.

LaTeeDa

How do you know what I had to spend? When my daughter was born (16 years ago) I did not have health insurance. $8000 is what it cost me to "hold the child in my arms." And it was a "normal" birth and we were "normal" parents.

I think if you base your decision to have kids on the cost of it, maybe your priorities need to be examined more closely.

L

Kimmieh

Ok, point taken. I shouldn't talk about this, it just hits too close to home.
Sorry.

And no, it's not about the costs, but I understand the frustration of possibly having to deal with all that adoption requires.

Kimmieh

I got your point, but I am trying to convey that it's not that easy in this situation.

And I don't need to have my own children to know how expensive it is to raise kids (and I only said that the money would go towards child rearing). Please try to understand the point I was making: adoption comes with a whole range of procedures, requirements, costs, and uncertaintities. PLUS all the complications of child rearing.

I know it's not what you all meant and I also know I am defensive, but for a woman who has children to tell others who cannot or perhaps will not have their own that "hey, having your own is no walk in the park either" to me felt like a slap in the face. That us why I am defensive and emotional and will now shut up.

splendra

I would like to ask you how important is having your own children? If you really want to have your own with out having to do it thru the use of science or medicine I would like to say maybe you need to rethink what your options are. You have not had a long relationship with this guy right? If you know you want your own biologic children I would think that if it was me I would want to slow the relationship down. For one thing if ya'll are already talking about a family and you haven't known each other very long it seems kind of rushed.

If I was young and knew I wanted to have kids the old fashioned way I think I would really want to think about what I am getting myself into with a man who claims to be sterile. I have heard of people lying about this kind of thing. I have seen a whole lot of drama in other peoples relationships over this kind of issue. I have not personally experienced something like this but, I know people who have.

If you have not known this guy very long if it was me knowing what I know now and how I have attracted men with issues into my life I would want to make real sure all of my issues about relationships are solved and dealt with before I think about having kids with someone in the first place. I think if I have known someone less than one year that I do not know them well enough to even think about a commitment with them. Many people are good at hiding their issues for under one year some can even go 2 years before they let them surface. Be cautious is my $.02 worth of advice.

GiveLove

When my husband and I talked about marriage, I made it pretty clear that, sadly, I thought my body was going to be a bit too old to bear children. I knew he wanted them (at the time).

It was thankfully more important to him to have me in his life forever than to hang doggedly on to the traditional route to having children. We live in an age where any number of possibilities are out there for people who want to share their love with a child.

You aren't too long out of a terrible relationship. Are you sure you shouldn't slow down a bit with all of this?

P.S. my husband also thought he was sterile. He isn't. He also had a college roommate who lied and told a girlfriend he was sterile because he knew she'd dump him (he wasn't happy with her, she was pressuring him for marriage/family, and knew the kids thing was a deal-breaker) Breathe.

Freedom1990

How long have you been dating this guy because I recall you posting maybe 2 or 2 1/2 weeks ago and there was no mention of him?

Babyo622

Thank you for all your advice and yes we only met about 2 1/2 weeks ago. And I was taking it slow with him, I told him about some of my past and that is why he told me so soon about this problem. He said he would never want to lie or hurt me, so he laid his cards on the table. I am so blown away, we never even said I love you yet. I do hope he is not lying, he does not seem to be so, he was so upset when he told me this. And I am keeping my guard up, I just wanted to date him and get to know him better. But this is now on the table and I don't know what to say to him or what to do? I do want kids, I just always thought they would be my own. I never even thought of any other options. But I guess I should be more aware of other options, for all I know I can't have them either. I don't know how to take it slow with him now

LaTeeDa

Wow. After knowing someone for 2-1/2 weeks, I would be more concerned over do I want to go on a third date. Seriously, don't you think it's a bit too soon to be thinking about having a family with this guy?

L

veryrestless722

i would just take things one day at a time, whats to say you can have kids? i thought for a short time i was unable to have kids, i have issues that make it more diffucult for me to get pregnant, ive also had a miscarriage but am now in my 33rd week, you just never know, and if he cant have kids and wants them then go to a sperm bank, it may not be his by blood but if you two were together he could adopt the baby after its born and it would be his, blood doesnt make a a father, or start putting money back every paycheck for the big what if, and if and when you decide to have a family then you will have the money to look into adoption, but after only two and a half weeks i wouldnt stress over it, it usually takes a guy a few months to show his true colors, three months down the road you might not even be together so dont worry about things so much

GiveLove

Are you surprised that you haven't said 'i love you' after 2 1/2 weeks?

Maybe then you should immediately let this guy off the hook so he can find someone who values what he brings to the relationship (maybe someone who doesn't want children and wants to be his friend and partner instead), and YOU can find someone who meets your needs as well. It will be much easier to do now than later. Sorry he wasn't what you were looking for.

Maybe you can be friends somewhere along the line. He sounds honest and friend-worthy if he's being this open.

1963comet

My sister is going to do foster care. She has tried everything to have a child. Most all other options cost so much money.

If you qualify the state pays for everything. And you get a little money and health care is payed for. Even if you decide to adopt the child everything is already done. And they still send a check and medical is covered until they are 18. She was shocked to hear this.

I know here they are really in need of foster care.

Just an idea for you.

Summer2008

I agree this conversation needed to take place between the two of you, however after only 2.5 weeks just seems way premature. This is the time to get to know each other not to jump into serious heavyduty stuff...(just my humble opinion)

In my case it is the opposite though, BF has never had kids and would love nothing more than to have kids, whereas mine are grown, and have had my tubes tied, but even with that Mother Nature stepped in about 10 years ago and finished up my child bearing...even if I could though at this point in my life, I'd still pass.

It was a conscious choice he made to stay with me knowing I can't have kids and he has always pictured himself as being a father. Sure I have two sons, but it's not like he can watch them grow up, (they are 30 and 23) well wait a minute perhaps he still can because they sure have a lot of growing they need to do.

Either way, slow down, and just enjoy getting to know each other..Remember one day at a time and enjoy the here and now instead of placing so much thoughts for the future..at least for today.