Mambo Queen

I am in the process of divorcing AH--papers not filed yet, but lawyer hired. He's stopped drinking and has told me that he wants to work on his recovery but needs to know that the possibility of reconciliation with me exists. I always told him, when he was drinking, that if he could get and stay sober for a year and be involved in a recovery program that I would consider reconciling. Now that he's not drinking, he seems to be clinging to that possibility for dear life. He seems to accept that he can not change my mind on the divorce, but right now, it's like he's telling himself that it's really just a separation because he's going to do all the right things and we'll be back together again in a year's time. I don't mind this really, because I do want him back if he does live up to his promises, but on the other hand, I feel kind of like a fool sometimes for not just cutting the cord more fully--I mean, soon he will be my ex legally. I do feel good knowing that if he messes up this time, it will be much easier to be rid of him because I'll no longer be legally bound to him, and not being legally bound to his financial problems will be nice too. I guess my question is, is it OK for me to give him this hope, or is that maybe an impediment to his recovery? He's stated before that he feels as addicted to me as he is to booze. Someone replied to an old thread of mine once that you don't have to be married to someone to be supportive of their recovery, and that you could always reconcile down the line if the AH turns it around, and I suppose that's the path I'm taking. It just feels weird to be divorcing someone, yet also agreeing with them that all hope is not lost for the relationship.

catlovermi

Well, what feels right for YOU?

You have every right to sever your legal ties with him if this provides you more security.

You ALSO have every right to sever emotional ties, when divorcing.

You can do so without giving him any promises toward the future, if that feels right to you.

You can give him caveats if that is how you feel, too. Those are your boundaries, for what you may decide toward him in the future.

What is right for you? What do you deserve in life? And where can you expect to get it?

He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and must do it for HIMSELF, in recovery.

Same for you!

Jazzman

I divorced my ex for many reasons and in my case it was the smart thing to do. Six months or so after the divorce was final she got sober for a while and it looked like it might stick. We dated for a couple months then she relapsed and we split up. One day we were seeing each other, the next day we were not.

There's no law that says you can not reconcile in the future but as you know there are plenty of state laws governing the breakup of a marriage. I doubt I'll ever invite any state government to get involved with another relationship of mine ever again. But that's just me.

Stubborn1

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with telling him that as long as he understands that it may not happen as well otherwise he is just white knuckling the program.
I agree with the other poster. You do what you feel comfortable with. I have no room to talk. I am still married to my active AH but do not live with him.

LaTeeDa

In my experience, A's are really good at "meeting conditions" to get what they want. As you know, recovery has to be more than that to work. I told mine that if he got sober and stayed that way for six months, then I would consider reconciliation based on how I was feeling at that point. I did not say that I would get back together with him based on what he did. Turns out that I didn't want him back even when he was sober. It was a gut-wrenching decision, but it was made based on what I wanted, not what he did.

I think it's okay to give yourself the freedom to change your mind if you feel differently in a year. None of us can predict the future anyway. Just make it about how you feel, not what he does.

L