NotSoSoft

hello all. i am new to this forum, and new to the concept of al-anon and my own recovery in general...
i have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years. after his most recent bout in jail (only about 2 months ago), he decided to quit drinking and start going to AA. a week ago he intentionally missed his favorite meeting, and that very night i came home from work to find him drunk. i went to my room immediately and would not respond to him trying to argue with me. i simply told him that i would talk to him later when he was not drunk.
the next day i asked him if he had just had a relapse or what, and he said he didnt know. now its been a week, and tonight i came home to him drunk again. another meeting he did not go to (he went once a week). i had asked him earlier in the day (before he had started drinking) if he was going to go to his meeting today, and he said no, that it was either he quit drinking all together and go to meetings, or if he drank 'every once in a while' he would not go to meetings.
so i take it that he is trying to 'socially drink' and 'control his drinking'. which i know is impossible for him. i am very angry, but i am trying my best to deal with this in a productive manner.
i have read many other threads on this forum, but i did not see many that involved relapses (or what i hope turns out to be just a relapse, and not a spiral back into the cycle). i was hoping to gain some insight on how to deal with this kind of thing. what kind of boundaries do i need to be making? how should i handle him when he is drunk? should i talk to him about his drinking after the fact?
i do plan on going to my first al-anon meeting, but it wont be until next week.
thank you in advance for the help, i am so glad i found this forum.
8

Taking5

Hi from a fellow resident of Lower Alabama.

I have no experience helping a loved one with a relapse but I have relapsed myself. Most people do experience a relapse along the way and some never make it out. One of the saddest things in AA is hearing about someone that was "in and out" of the rooms has died. It happens way too often.

Feel free to PM me if I can help.

justaboutus

Good job for not talking to him while he's drunk or drinking. If you don't want to be around it then separate yourself (go to your room) and if he refuses to leave you alone if your in the house, tell a friend what's going on and ask if you could come over day or night. You need this to have your boundary firm because he WILL push them.

I'm not sure what good talking to your BF is going to do. I've talked, begged, demanded, etc to my husband for 2 years now and we're right back where we began after several attempts to quit. You can't change him. Change has to come from him, not you.

kemarus

I spent 19 years in an alcoholic marriage. "Relapse" was a common word in our lives. He would quit drinking for a period of time that would sometimes be days, sometimes months and even once a year! ALWAYS during this time he was going to control his drinking to social drinking. He didn't need help with that according to him. Well, ALWAYS, he went back to spiralling out of control and each time it happened, I believe he got a little worse. One AA meeting a week isn't going to do it. Two AA meetings a week isn't going to do it. In fact, even if he went to AA meetings nightly that is not going to do it unless he changes his thinking and admits (fully admits) that he needs help and can't do it himself. Going to meetings in itself and changed thinking aren't going to do it either. He has to go and actually work the steps, be a part of the program....not just an observer. When you start to see that, maybe then you will start to see results. Until then, keep taking care of yourself and setting boundaries. It's the only way to survive.

Silverberry1331

Hi there!

I am relatively new to codie recovery myself.

Here are some basics that I have learned in Al-Anon.

It is not your job to check up on him and his meetings. Whether the A chooses to attend or not attend is entirely up to them. Asking, conjoling, and checking up on their participation is a form of manipulation our part. You will learn about detachment in Al-Anon, and one aspect is that you will learn not to manipulate a situation someone will get up, not drink, and behave a certain way. Their recovery is entirely up to them.

Good move on not discussing anything while he is intoxicated. Also, do not lecture, scold, moralize, or shame him for his decisions. Do not attempt to cover for him or his mistakes.

So you may at this point be asking (as I did), okay...so what the hell am I suppose to do? You must focus on yourself. You must focus on your own behavior and recovery. Read recovery material, learn all you can about your disease of co-dependence and his disease of alcoholism, GO TO MEETINGS....get a sponsor...work the program....you absolutely must. The best thing you can do for yourself and him is get some recovery yourself. This is because when you remove yourself as his safety net, he is forced to take consequences for his actions...this may allow a bottom to be reached and he may become active in his recovery. However, there is no guarantee for that...there is only guarantee for your recovery as long as you stay focused.

Detachment will allow you to learn that you can live your life without other's moods and soberity to dictate the weather in your day. You can find serenity. Likewise, he has a better chance of success if left to work out his problems. If he asks for suggestions, you can offer suggestions such as therapy and AA, but the steps must be his to take. You can encourage all benefical activities of the alcoholic and work with them to make them possible (for example, he wants to get to a meeting and his car breaks down and you are home, so you drive him to a meeting.....that is supportive...but mentioning therapy, making the appointment for him, arranging time off of work to take him, and ensuring he gets there is codependence)....

You will learn these distinction in time, and it will never be perfection, only progress....However, work your program....Also, you mention Al-Anon next week...why not this week? It is an hour...somewhere, somehow you can find the time to go...if not physically, online meetings exist, I believe. Like the recently sober alcoholic who needs ongoing support via meetings or rehab, we too need more than a token meeting here and there.

Keep posting...you are off to a good start!

NotSoSoft

[QUOTE=kemarus;1921189] One AA meeting a week isn't going to do it. Two AA meetings a week isn't going to do it. In fact, even if he went to AA meetings nightly that is not going to do it unless he changes his thinking and admits (fully admits) that he needs help and can't do it himself. Going to meetings in itself and changed thinking aren't going to do it either. He has to go and actually work the steps, be a part of the program....not just an observer. QUOTE]
you are absolutely right about that. he started strong, reading the big book daily, going to meetings all the time, but that only lasted maybe a week. then it was down to one meeting a week, and hardly ever called his sponsor. a "dry drunk". i could see where it was going before he ever came right out and said it. his sponsor also fell off the wagon about 2 weeks ago.

NotSoSoft

thanks for the advice everyone! it means so much to just have someone respond!
silverberry, that sounds HARD! lol. but i will definetley try. i do understand the concept - he must take responsibility for his life. i am very guilty of 'checking up' on him and his sobriety. in fact, when he said he wanted to try AA, i went with him to his first weeks worth of meetings. i figured it would be supporting. then a friend of mine who has been 2 yrs sober thanks to AA, told me that maybe i should rethink going with him.
also, you said
"Detachment will allow you to learn that you can live your life without other's moods and soberity to dictate the weather in your day. You can find serenity"
i hope this stands to be true! another thing i am verrrry guilty of - letting his sobriety ruin my day. i could be having a GREAT day, but when i call him and hear the alcohol in his voice, it is all over. i get really depressed when he drinks, and his drinking brings on this weird feeling of impending doom. i cant describe the feeling any other way, it just feels like my whole world is going to crash at any moment. very strange. and thats the only time i get that feeling.
i will try to get to an al-anon meeting a.s.a.p. i work nights, and in this small town, theres not as many meetings as there are in bigger communities. but i will get to one.
thanks again, so much, everyone! and dgillz, you're pretty close - i'm a little further south, on the coast (G.S./O.B. area)

Taking5

NotsoSoft,

I am very close and I hit Gulf Shores/Orange Beach regularly (Pensacola too for that matter).

Let me know if I can help.

Stubborn1

Ack. I wrote you a post and then accidentally deleted it.

One thing that jumped out at me from your post was that you wanted him to attend meetings but yet you could not get around to it either.

Don't expect something from someone that you are not doing yourself, especially if you plan to stay with him.

You might want to rethink having him as a boyfriend. Take care.

NotSoSoft

why would i want to rethink having him as a boyfriend? i do not want to break up with him. and i can deal, as i have dealt, with him drinking while we are together. however, i am trying to learn how to deal in a different way, a way that will be better for both of us. as i said, i am new to this. thanks for the thought, though.

Stubborn1

Why you might to want to rethink having him as a boyfriend is because you would eventually want to marry this man is due time I'm thinking. Do you really want to do this all your life? "dealing" with him sounds like putting up with to me. Why do that to yourself? Maybe it's me but I have yet to hear anyone say they enjoy this lifestyle. Depending on how your relationship goes you could have children right? Knowingly bringing children in to this type of trama is well.......harmful.
How many years of this are you willing to put up with this? It's just time out of a life you may have in the future with a good and sober man. It's your choice no matter. But please think of the bigger picture. If you are in love with the "what if's" or "what will come" you have to be ready to understand you may not get it........ever. Be prepared. Do you have a time limit set for yourself? It's not a nice way to live.:codiepolice

Rainbowsend

There's relapse and relapse. Some have a few hiccups, get drunk once in a blue moon and then get back on their programme. Then there is "I just had a relapse" which is an excuse for regular drunken episodes over a prolonged period (my personal experience, 2 months of continual binging). You'll know what you're dealing with pretty quickly.

For what its worth, I don't think AA on a weekly basis is a serious comitment to sobriety, I would think 3 times a week at a minimum and every treatment centre I've ever heard of reccomends 90 meetings in as many days (UK). Hang in there and keep posting X

NotSoSoft

i agree rainbow, i dont think a weekly meeting is a serious commitment either, but it gave me hope. i kindof knew that it wouldnt work out for him, but i still somehow thought maybe it would.
but AA did at least open my eyes, i never even knew there was al-anon until i heard of it in AA. does anyone know anything about these online al meetings ive been hearing about?

Rainbowsend

Good you have an understanding about what AA and commitment to change is. Can't help you with the online Al anon stuff, would love to try a few alanon's myself but long hours (never home before 7.30) and children make it hugely difficult. SR has bee a real boon though, keeps me foucused on why I called it a day, there are no rose tinted glasses here as everyone has experience to share.

I agree with the previous poster about living on a dream, "he'd be so great if only he didn't drink" The reality is they do and there isn't a thing WE can do about that. If ony I hadn't spent so much time hoping that dream would come true I'd be much further on my own path by now.

NotSoSoft

ok i understand detatching yourself and relying on yourself for happiness, not being able to change their actions, and not letting someone else's actions wreck you. BUT why does that often entail leaving the person? can one not learn to detach emotionally and rely on one's self for happiness AND still be in a relationship with the other person? that is what i do not understand. the good times with him outweigh the bad.... so why leave? everyone has obstacles, right? i do thank you for the reply, as i'm trying to see this from all aspects. but i'm not 100 percent clear on this part.

denny57

Education about alcoholism was key to me. It is a progressive disease. I spent 20 years living with it. By the end, the bad times far outweighed the good.

Stubborn1

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We are just saying that staying with him is enabling him. Why should he bother when you will be there no matter what. You know as well as I do that you can not detach from someone you love if you are up in their business daily. That's still control. There should be no out-weighing. It should be all good. You shouldn't have to live your life wondering what you are going to come home to.
Sure people have obsticles but they are usually not addiction related. Life is hard enough with money issues, career, children and balancing those....an addiction makes a tornado out of all of those.
One day at a time.

Rainbowsend

You detach for your own sanity, sometimes a consequence of that is the realisation that you don't need the relationship. I didn't detatch from my exAB but I did from my exh (not an alcoholic) I came here hopefull of change in my A. Everyone here is supportive of sucess, it's what many of us came here or/hope for but people also lend an open ear when it doesn't

Inahurry

So, how to react to a relapse. Well my AP and me have been together for 8 years or so. Somehow for the first 4 or so I didn't realise (???) the scale of the problem. We have two kids, 6 and 4. Since number 2 came along and I had one tiny baby screeching and screaming, and one very big baby staggering and falling over in a drunken and unsupportive state, I realised that there was a very big problem. Since then there have followed a number of stopping drinkings and a number of relapses. So how did I react?

1. Get in a strop
2. Get in a self pitying mood (why me?)
3. Get in a paranoid mood (why are you doing this to me)
4. Get in a rage where I can see red and become violent
5. Go for the "how could you lie to me" option
6. Go for the sentimental " how can you do this to your children" option

Well, in my opinion none of these was at all effective. All they did was wind me up, and sometimes make a situation worse. The one thing that I have found which works is the calm " it's your life, go ahead, but I'm going to do xxx, and me and the kids are going out..." approach. It has worked. Last year I ended up going on holiday without him, and after this he sought help. He is still sober. Who knows what will happen but I keep my fingers crossed. He has told me, and i understand now it's not my "gig" it's his; all I can do is look after my life and of course those of our children. I can't affect his recovery, but I think that he has now realised that if he doesn't look after himself we won't be here any more, and that has changed a great deal. But it's his choice, definitely not me pushing him. I do think that people can find their own path.

But that's only my experience of course. And if he relapses again, what will I do? I can't answer that till it happens, but I have to look after my children and myself and he has to do what he can to look after himself.....

FormerDoormat

The best way I handled a relapse was to give my boyfriend the boot. Otherwise second chances become third chances, and fourth, and fifth chances. With alcoholics it goes round and round and round until one person decides to end the madness.