isitme

That's really powerful and so true! My garden certainly isn't growing on my cement slab! Maybe I should take the hint.

I see lots of good adivce here Redd. I think it's only a matter of time. It's been said to me many of times and it helps everytime. You'll make your choice when the thought of staying hurts more than the thought of leaving.

prodigal

As long as you continue to live inside your head trying to figure out why she does what she does, why you do what you do, engage in fruitless conversations ...

... you will remain stuck.

Wishful thinking has its place in childhood. As an adult, I realized I had to differentiate between WHAT IF and WHAT IS. What is, in your situation, appears to be you have an AW who is going to drink until she decides she wants to quit. She may decide never to quit. She may decide to drink herself to death.

The sad reality is, you are not part of her equation. AW + booze + alcohol-induced quacking insanity = HER life. How long you wish to try to encroach upon her life's equation is your choice.

That is the freedom you have; fearful or not.

loner1968

Redd;
I am in a mood today and I want to say that I am tired of your wife treating you like crap but you have to get away from her. She is just dragging you through the mud. She is just going to continue as long as you let her. YOU have the control over this right now. I'm sorry but Its what I see when I read your posts.

loner1968

Sorry.....but not really

Reddmax

Loner,

You're quite right. And there is no need to be sorry. I'm allowing this to happen because of a stupid thing I have called hope. It's really not working. I'm becoming less and less attached, so its becoming easier and easier to make decisions.

Hard advice is sometimes the best advice.

Redd

Pajarito

No- hope isn't stupid. But I'm betting there's a lot more going on to keep you stuck where you are than just hope. It's something I hope you will explore- along with Yosemite, etc.

hello-kitty

This is a great list.

You don't need your wife to accomplish your list. Why don't you pick one of the items (start with the low hanging fruit), and write an action plan with actual real steps on it that you need to take to achieve your goals, and then every day, do one thing on your action plan, until you accomplish your dreams.

Just you. Working towards having a better, more fulfilling existence.

Reddmax

You know....I sorta had an epiphany.... The reason I'm staying is to reduce the financial hurt this is going to cause me. I want my AW to stay in the house, so we don't get financially hammered. I can't do that. I can't make her do anything.

Lets think this through.

If I leave, she can leave too. And the house may get trashed

If she leaves, I'll have to handle it somehow, probably by getting a support order for half the costs of maintaining the house. I can't afford the commute, so I'll have to get my neighbors to watch it.

If I leave, and she stays, as drunk as she is, the house will probably get trashed.


That sort of breaks it down. There is no way to avoid that damage, other than by surviving..... sucky way to live.

I don't think I'm going to do that.

Redd

respektingme

Redd, Baby steps, remember? Can you go check into a long-term hotel for a week? Some will take animals. If you just get out, even temporarily, don't you think that action would speak louder than your words?

kj3880

Yeah Redd,
You can untangle with her financially, you know. I have a lovely home that I would hate to leave, but I would sign it over in a New York Minute to get outta the kind of madness that addiction and alcoholism bring.

You don't have to do that, though. IMO, the first thing to do is consult a family law firm. Best money you can spend is on a good lawyer. I'm not saying you have to leave her, that's certainly your road to choose, but why not find out what you would be able to do though, if it comes down to that? It might give you peace of mind to know how much power you do have over your future, when you do your homework.

I never advise people to act rashly unless they have to for the safety of themselves or children, or if they are just losing it mentally. I planned my divorce very carefully when I was married to a guy that I discovered had used me for my resources (home and money, and greencard) and he refused to get even a menial job. He was also making threats to burn down my house if I filed for divorce!

I consulted an attorney, moved MY money from our joint account secretly, informed my boss what was happening (because he had once told me that if I kicked him out he would "make up things and get me fired."), put the children somewhere else to spend the night, then had the Sherrif serve the emergency eviction and divorce papers, while I watched from my car until he was escorted off my property.

You may not be the sole owner of your home, as I was, but you can legally untangle. Thousands of us have done this, and if you want, you can too. Your choice, though.
I understand if you still love her, and so will everyone here. It takes what it takes for you to be done with the situation. You might not be there yet.

Love from:
KJ

Reddmax

I know... the clarity comes from this realization:

She's dangerous. Therefore, I can't live with her.

I live 75 miles from work, therefore I have to move. If I split finances, I can't afford to either pay the mortgage, or commute to work. If I move, then I can pay my half of the mortgage.

Redd

queenteree

Redd, I don't know what state you're in, but does your county's family court do "non-harass" orders. You may possibly be able to get one that states she can't drink or be intoxicated in the home. They may also mandate her to treatement. I went that route once, cause I was not ready to lose out financially and saw no way out, but wasn't strong enough to enforce it. I placed it in the hands of my HP, HP did what he had to do in His time, and AH was out of my house and I didn't struggle as bad as I thought I would. But then again, I was at the point where I'd rather live in a cardboard box then deal with the chaos any longer.

Startingover2

Just a thought...can you file for legal separation? Can you get separate auto insurance at that point? Can you get separate checking accounts and both put in a certain amount for household stuff? Can you separate anything else financially? Credit cards, etc.?

I may be off base here but if you file for legal separation and separate some things anything that she does from that point forward will be her responsibility.

I am serious. People will come after YOU if she kills someone. Then you will lose EVERYTHING you are trying to protect right now.

justaboutus

Redd, talk to a lawyer and see what you need to do to protect your finances. Lots here will talk on the phone for 15 min for free. Be to the point and you'll get lots of good info.

You really need to get some distance between you and her. If you don't like it she'll probably take you back and if she doesn't she's doing you a favor.

Barbara52

Hope is fine and good. But hope that has as its foundation denial of reality is damaging.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with Barbara. Denial, by it's very nature, isn't obvious to us when we are deep in it. It masquerades as many things. Hope, love, fear, security, righteousness.........

That's the tricky thing about denial. It can only be recognized in hindsight. You have to stop practicing it in order to see it.

L

FormerDoormat

What if you stopped believing you can't and started believing you could?

I thought I couldn't may the mortgage on my own; I figured out a way how. I commute 110 miles to work. I thought I couldn't afford the gas; I figured out a way how.

Where there is a will there is a way. Where there is self-doubt and fear there is no way out.

prodigal

It sounds like you are trying to get your ducks in a row, figure things out, and have everything nice and neat.

Life is messy. I haven't experienced "nice and neat" very often.

I also quit getting bogged down in details. Endless details. Why? Because going 'round and 'round in my head about "What if I do this?" and "What if he does that?" spelled C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Actually, it was merely my ATTEMPTS to believe I was in control. I was in denial. I wanted everything to be tied up in a nice little box.

Ain't gonna happen. So I took a job - any job - that allowed me to pay my bills on time and for more than the minimum. I'm far from out of debt, but I'm not involved with AH any longer in the endless beg-a-thons for a few dollars.

You can always find plenty of reasons not to leave. You can also find reasons to leave. It's up to you when you discover that the balance sheet tips in your favor to leave.

loner1968

Redd I had hope too. And I was loyal to the point of being rediculous. Funny thing is...even though I KNOW its not possible i still have hope that my X will get better and we can at least be on speaking terms. We were together for 13 years and then he was gone. never got to say what I needed to say. It was like he died and I guess he kind of did.

You get to say what you need to say and make a choice. I wish I had that back then. Just remember, you are getting sicker each day you stay wrapped up in her crazy world unless you make the choice to put you first. Trust me whe I tell you I almost went insane trying to figure out what the hell my X was doing, talking about, trying to say, etc... There is no way and sometimes you can only stand there with your mouth hanging open because they are so out there! Take care of yourself. Peace

Bernadette

Prod this is genius: Because going 'round and 'round in my head about "What if I do this?" and "What if he does that?" spelled C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Actually, it was merely my ATTEMPTS to believe I was in control. I was in denial. I wanted everything to be tied up in a nice little box.

Thank you for that!
B.