Not even 10am and I am already crying...

Old 09-19-2008, 06:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
 
Silverberry1331's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Unhappy Not even 10am and I am already crying...

Hi everyone....

I need a little uplifting today....just having a horrible day!

Among other things....my AH called up again and asked for money. I told him that again that he would have to wait as we agreed. He started to get upset with me saying, "we are married! I am homeless! YOU told me that I would never be homeless again! You are my wife! WHY are you doing this to me? Do you want to see me fall?!" It was horrible... I told him that I would make him food, but I couldn't give him money. After a bit of back and forth...he said, "you don't understand....fine...have a nice day." Hung up. I feel just terrible. It is awful.

This is on top of the already stressful day I have been having...my sister is in labor right now. She asked my mother to come from FL to NC to be with her.

Originally, my mother was suppose to go for a week to help her with the baby after she is born. However, my mother is very dysfunctional. My cousin was married two weeks ago in NY, and my mother "had" to go up an entire week before the wedding to attend the rehearsal dinner because her sister (who is quite wealthy) attended everything for us. I told my mother that she should just go for the wedding because she was going to get cut short, and my aunt's financial situation differs from hers...My mother is in major debt (two bankrupties) and is living in a room she rents from a friend of hers. She didn't listen... Of course, her boss told her that she had no vacation time left, and she couldn't go the week to my sister's...guess who's fault it is? Her boss's of course--not hers. Anyway, so she is going to drive up to NC tonight and leave on Sunday..

Of course, she doesn't have the money for gas...I am now loaning her the money, so she can go. I know I could have said no, but I felt pressured due to the circumstances surrounding everyone. It isn't like don't have the $200.00...I do...I am just sick of all this...

I am so sad about my husband who makes it sound like I am enjoying this. I hate to hear him desperate and crying....I am so frustrated with my mother who feels compelled to call me and talk to me like I am her mother...

It isn't even 10am here, and already, I am on the verge of tears.....
Silverberry1331 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 06:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
We Do Recover
 
ANGELINA243's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
ANGELINA243 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 06:50 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Formerly known as soconfused11
 
sodetermined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Wow, you are having a day like me, just have had enough! I don't really know what to say, except hang in there, and you are doing the right thing as far as AH, they have that way of manipulating us by getting us to feel bad, so that we help their disease out. I was reading out of one of my books last night and there was a part about feeling sad of guilty when you say no to them, but you are saying no to his disease, not him. Just remember that.

:praying
sodetermined is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 06:58 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Pajarito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Silverberry))) You and I have the same sickness my friend- the need to take care of everyone else except ourselves. The first thought that comes to my mind is boundaries. AH is an adult. He can take care of himself- he chooses not to- and partly because he knows he can lean on others- you- for help. He pulls his "oh poor me pity party" knowing it's got to be hard on you. I'm sure it is- I know it would be hard on me. Try to draw on that strength you've been developing. He's not a child. You are not obligated to take care of him- married or not. He can get a job, he has chosen not to. He could have saved the chunk of money he got, but he chose to spend it on alcohol and it disappeared. His choices- not yours. Your choice- from what I've read in your posts- has been to start taking care of yourself. Gather yourself up and think about what you need.

As for your mom- it sounds like boundaries are in order there too. I'm sure you've read some of the people's posts here about their "toxic" relatives. Can you try detaching from her just until you feel stronger? There are some people in my life that I choose to have limited contact with, because it's just easier for me to focus on myself.

Take a deep breath and know you are doing ok. You won't always walk with confidence on your path- believe me- I know. But from what I read in your posts, you seem to be more focused on yourself- and you can tap into that strength again. . . (((Take care)))
Pajarito is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:01 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I am so sorry you are in the midst of all this madness. I know it's easier to say than do, but remember other people are responsible for their choices, actions and the natural consequences that follow. You do not control the world or them. You just aren't that powerful!

It's very hard to watch your AH fall down. I know. I've been watching the same process. I cannot rescue my xAH from his choices. He is where he is because of his actions and lack of action. He is where he is because he refuses to ackknowledge his alcoholism and get into recovery. His own mother is on the verge of throwing him out of her home because after only 2 months of xAH living with his mother she is beginning to see that xAH is not the man he pretends to be and she is getting tired of enabling him.

I know it's very hard to stop all the behaviors you have learned over the years. But you can learn healthier ways. You can stop thinking it is your place to take care of everyone.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:03 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 12
bad day

your mother ,your sister,your aunt,your husband,when are you going to think of yourself cos no one else seems to be doin it unless they want something ,you learn it as a child and forget it as an adult NO MEANS NO,TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY LET IT BE YOURS ,:ghug3
murphy1 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:19 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Silverberry, I am so sorry, Please know it is 7:08 AM here so I will pray for you and you can start your day over. :ghug3

You have been so strong, and I have been learning from your posts.
I am leaving on a weekend with high school friends later this afternoon. I am going kyaking (sp) I have never been done anything like it before.

Your Mom and A have made choices, easy for me to see from a cross the county (and far from the fall out) but you are not responsible for them. From what I can see from your post you are just trying to stick to your boundries. If you weren't there they would try to get someone else to take care of them.

I have the same thinking, was feeling guilty about leaving, as my A sat on the bed this am saying "I guess I'll see you when you get back" (please I'll be home Sunday) hes going deer hunting after work and is leaving from work so he CHOOSES not to be here when I leave. Why did I feel any guilt at all???? I am sick.

God I hate this slogan but "this too shall pass" It always does, hang in there.
:ghug3
Learning how is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:27 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Silverberry)))))

Please try and remember this is PURE MANIPULATION on his part! There are several Rescue Missions in addition to the Salvation Army where you are, and he can eat several times a day and have a bed to sleep in at night.

Just try and look on it, that everytime he calls he is QUACKING. Picture the big white AFLAC duck with the orange beak. It's just quacking.

Oh, and btw, you are entitled to change the 'agreement' anytime you want to. You ARE NOT responsible for him and where HIS ACTIONS got him.

You need that money for you and your children.

As to your Mom, I know it's sad, but this is part of your codependency that you have to work on. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for her screw ups. Its just that simple. That money is for your children and you in case of an emergency. By giving her the money, she once again does not have to take the consequences for her OWN ACTIONS. You are NOT Mrs. Fix-it.

Please, try some Alanon and/or CODA meetings. I really do believe they can help you so much and give you some peace and serenity in your life.

I almost forgot.....................NO is a complete sentence.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
In situations like these, when I didn't trust myself to stand strong and enforce my boundaries, I choose not to pick up the phone. The less I knew about what was going on in Richard's life the better it was for me.

When your husband stops depending on you to bail him out of his messes, he will start to depend on himself. He is an adult. He is capable of taking care of himself. I'd wager that he finds money for alcohol daily. He could choose to use that money for food or housing. He's chosen otherwise.
FormerDoormat is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:30 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,927
I would go No Contact with the stbxH. Who is protecting YOU from these assaults on your sanity, bank account, emotions? You only have YOU - and you have to rally your inner "Marshall Silverberry" and set up a line of defense...it's no joke.

Right now things may feel chaotic - this is one of the results of years of codie reflex behavior. It is hard to change everything at once - impossible in fact - but just for today you can make a plan and stick to it - choosing one little thing you can actually change.

There was a time in my life (seems like another life actually!!!) when I was making a lot of money. There was an attitude in my family like I should just make available my money for people whenever they were in crisis and asked me for something. Sometimes I wonder if I was brought so low financially by my own inability to stop that insanity - I was incapable at that time of setting/maintaining boundaries. So life has a way of forcing these lessons, often the "hard way." :-(

Now looking back I see that by my passivity I REALLY hurt MYSELF only!!!!!!!!! It wouldn't have hurt my brothers at all if I had said no to paying things for them back in the day- they were adults and they would have figured it out. They might have been angry (in their minds angry with me - but we know what that's all about don't we!!??), but it would not have harmed them if I had said No. N. O.

(((((Silverberry))))) take care of yourself. Remember Silverberry weekend!!!!!!! You can say "No. I am going through something right now, please leave me alone."

B.
Bernadette is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 08:02 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Yield beautiful changes
 
ToughChoices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,681
I'm beginning to think of guilt as one of the hallmark features of my co-dependency.

Somehow, through childhood experiences, religious upbringing, and living with an alcoholic, I got the message that it was MY job to make people happy/secure, and MY fault when they felt otherwise.

But that's just not true.

Remembering that is the key to making sure that I have what I need.

My AH and I are in the process of separating - we're trying to work out the legal details of the split, and it has been an incredibly trying process for me.
Money talk brings out a bunch of my guilt issues!

Breathe deep. They want to hand you the responsibility for their decisions - for their troubles. They want to give you the power to "save" them.

Do you want to take it?


-TC
ToughChoices is online now  
Old 09-19-2008, 08:33 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I'm with Bernadette.......it's Friday and sounds like it's time for a Silverberry weekend to me!!

I don't know about you, but I completely shut down for so long that when I began to feel again (as much as it hurt) it was a big step. It's okay to feel sad and angry as long as you're not getting stuck there. Sounds like you have expended so much energy caring for others, and now it's time to spend it on you. (((hugs)))
blessed4x is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 09:16 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Among other things....my AH called up again and asked for money. I told him that again that he would have to wait as we agreed. He started to get upset with me saying, "we are married! I am homeless! YOU told me that I would never be homeless again! You are my wife! WHY are you doing this to me? Do you want to see me fall?!" It was horrible... I told him that I would make him food, but I couldn't give him money. After a bit of back and forth...he said, "you don't understand....fine...have a nice day." Hung up. I feel just terrible. It is awful.
What about the promises he made to you? You offered to feed him you just refused to enable him any longer with a roof and money. I feel you have done your share.

I agree with FD...Try to not pick up the phone as much ...and distance yourself from being everyone else's saviour. They eventually find someone else or learn to fend for themselves, they just got used to you being an easy target.

Hang in there...there's always tomorrow!
theotherone is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 09:43 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Recovering Codependant
 
Lilyflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
...that's how we can tell when we are being manipulated.....that's the best TEST....say NO and watch how they react.
Great advice!

Silverberry big hugs to you you have gotten some awsome advice above.

Keep positive, your day is what you make of it, take some tender loving care of you today and every other day - you are your own best friend!!

Love and Joy to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lilyflower is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 09:49 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj3880's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
When I was in a similar situation, I wouldn't be able to feed the person, because he would use the time he spent picking up the food as a way to hook back into my emotions. And I just can't have that right now.
KJ
kj3880 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 10:50 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hang in there, Silver. Think about your great weekend. Believe in your heart you are doing the right thing. I believe you are.

There are plenty of places for someone to go so that they are not homeless. Stay strong.

((( )))
denny57 is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 11:09 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Silver)))

When I was using, I WAS homeless, I usually didn't have money for food, but I always had money for dope. I didn't call to whine to anyone or blame them, because my family would not have allowed that type of phone call. They would have reminded me that MY actions were at fault, so why bother call? I didn't want to hear THAT!

I was homeless by choice. There were a dozen different places I could have gone, but the dope was more important to me.

Let him live with his choices. As long as he feels he's getting to you, he thinks he has a chance to manipulate you. When he no longer gets that reaction, he will probably stop.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 11:21 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Rediscovering myself
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
You did the right thing, not giving money to your husband. Stay strong.
justaboutus is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 02:05 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry his words are continuing to hurt you, silver. If you keep standing firm, eventually he'll get the message that he's wasting his time asking. If you give in, he'll learn that sometimes you say yes, sometimes you say no, and so he'll keep hammering away at you.

As for your mom........I know you felt you had to give her the money, but frankly you've stepped into the relationship between your sister & mom. Mom made lousy decisions and so doesn't have the money. Yet there are no repercussions because she can turn to you to make it all better. You basically single-handedly kept her from letting your sister down....what would've happened if you hadn't?

Maybe learn from this and make a plan for next time? A script?

This is all we can hope for -- that we learn from today in order to make tomorrow easier. Let yourself off the hook and look to the future.

You are still learning. Maybe you need a shirt to remind yourself?

GiveLove is offline  
Old 09-19-2008, 02:35 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
tennis71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Tears are good and the emotions you are feeling obviously show how compassionate you are.

Your husband is wrong and is trying to take you down with him. If he is an alcoholic like me then his behavior is not rational and he will never realize that you are right in not giving him money unless he sobers up.

I hope all of the supportive posts here boost your spirits and help you through the day.

Thanks for sharing.

:praying
tennis71 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:56 AM.