loner1968

When I was in a relationship with my XABF I rarely wanted to have sex with him. He wouldn't even have a conversation or go places with me and yet expected me to be all over him. It's not that I wasn't interested...I just felt like if he can't be with me during the day why should I be with him at night. A total wall developed between us.

He always brought it up during arguments and acted like It was kind of my duty. he would say he loved me yet would not even sit next to me. I would feel so empty and I knew that having sex with him would make me feel like I was being used. I was always nervous about going to bed because although I was attracted to him and loved him I felt unloved and disrespected by the simple fact that he wouldn't spend any time with me at all.

According to him he was not willing to go anywhere with me or spend time with me because I did not give him what he needed. I felt the same way. This is how sick we were together. It's like the chicken or the egg riddle. Who screwed it up first? If it was me then how do i not do this again with someone else? I know this is not normal but it was all I knew for a long time and I came to believe that there was something wrong with me. I still think there is and I don't know how to fix it.

OverItNow

Hi there! I know how confusing this can be--I live it. I used to wonder, did research, saw doctors, etc. in an attempt to find out what was wrong with me. I mean, if he said something was wrong with me because I didn't want to have sex with him, it must be true, no? But in all of the copious time I spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I discovered that it wasn't me--it was us, and specifically him. Who wants to have sex with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive? Who wants to have sex with someone who makes snide comments and blames my (your) lack of sex drive on everything else crumbling.

In all the years (too ashamed to admit) I tried to find out what was wrong with me, I recently discovered the answer to my problem: I refuse give my body to someone (anyone) that treats me with disrespect. In the chaos of living this life (with AH), my body is the only thing I have 100% control over.

I think once in a relationship that is truly loving and mutually respectful, you may see that everything is just fine.

Barbara52

OverItNow makes some good points about it now feeling you got the respect you needed. It could also be some underlying issue you need to explore and deal with.

blessed4x

Normal, not, but don't feel like you are alone here. I have felt the same way and I bet there are plenty of others here. I think it may be more "normal" in our alcoholic/codependent relationships than anyone talks about.

isitme

I believe this 200%. I'm going through the same thing right now and I certainly couldn't have worded it so well.

Of course I don't feel like having sex. Your never around, you clearly choose other things over me, yet when you walk in the door I should just swoon. Not so much. And making negative remarks and then saying "come here and kiss on me" is really not doing the job. I've tried to explain many times that it's not just and "in the moment" thing. Intamacy isn't explained by sex. If all the rest is lacking, so will be the sex.

Chin up.. I bet when you enter into a healthy mutual relationship a lot of your questions will disapear.

Barbara52

One thing I learned since the break of my marriage was to take an honest look at me and my relationships with men. What I have learned is that I have made a great many unhealthy choices and engaged in behaviors that were at many times self-destructive. When I look at the relatinships I had between the end of my first marriage and today (a period of 16 years) I can see that I almost always picked either a man who would use me in one way or another or picked a man I was trying rescue in one way or another. While single, I engaged in behaviors that I can now see were a result of having been abused as a child and having little self value. I am finally coming to understand the whys of my choices and behaviors after a lot of work and self examination. Its worth the pain and work involved to figure out why I was what I used to be and to do my best to ensure I never make any similar mistakes in realtionships.

loner1968

wow! thanks for the replies you guys. It's not good that others feel this way but at the same time it is. It is true that I need to look at some personal issues but the majority of my "problems" stem from things he said and things I started to believe about myself that weren't true. I can't believe how much it has affected me.
Its just crazy to me that A's can act the way they do and then in my case go an tell everyone that the relationship failed due to lack of sex!!! That made me just want to tell everyone that he was horrible in bed!!! But...I hate drama so it never happened.
Thanks again...I feel a little twinge of hope.

YellowRed

Great post OverItNow - I lived with this too with my stbxAH. I also found that the 'problem' with me was that I didn't feel he respected me any more. Chose drinking over doing anything with me. Then when he needed something/felt things might be rocky, would tell me he adored me. Always complaining that I didn't want to have sex with him. Yeah - they like to make everything your fault - what's sad is that however screwed up the A's logic is - if you're living with them you end up trying to work it out/rationalise it -- you just cant! I am sure if you were in a relationship where you felt respected and truly loved, then things would be very different. Hang on in there and focus on looking after you.

blessed4x

Sorry, but that made me giggle!

GrowingPains

I went through this myself, which was especially confusing for me because my libido tends to be revved up, my AH is extremely physically attractive and he's mechanically satisfying.

Always coming in second to alcohol, verbal abuse and the resulting emotional unavailability / inconsistancy did a number on my mojo.

loner1968

Yeah it's kind of hard to be romantic or turned on when your boyfriend gets up during the middle of sex and goes to the bathroom to get sick!!! Comes back and passes out. :wtf2Yuck! I will never forget that. I always thought it was me because ya know he had only had a couple beers. A couple six packs maybe. Thanks again guys. I am really glad I'm not alone in this.

Pajarito

No, you aren't alone. MySTBXAH left a year ago and his biggest complaint with me was that I wasn't affectionate- didn't want enough sex. I wasn't that affectionate- and I didn't really feel like having sex. He turned me off. He behaved like a belligerent teenage boy. He did not initiate anything having to do with dealing with the house, going out for dates or family time, he spent all night on the computer and/or in front of the tv, spent years sleeping on the couch, lied and hid things from me- and I lived with that. My respect for him was slowly deteriorating, and he definitely did not respect me. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I would agree that the problems were about us- my putting up with his crap, and his alcoholism. Now I realize he has a sense of entitlement that I just could not live with. Sadly- we both wanted the same thing- intimacy. But we weren't dealing with realty in a healthy way. I refuse to let his blaming get to me. I am a loving, affectionate person. And one day, if it's right, I will give that part of me to someone else.