OT- Parenting help anyone?
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OT- Parenting help anyone?
I suppose this is loosely related to alcoholism, because it involves my kids and Joe, and Joe wouldn’t be here if his dad wasn’t too busy drinking.
I just need to get it out of my system really and I usually find this is the best place. I’m so down today, I’ve been back at work for two weeks after six weeks off sick (my doc put debility on my sick note) I enjoyed the break, spent quality time with the kids, I recharged my batteries and I felt really good.
I went to work yesterday lunchtime and just got back today at 1pm (yeah, I know, but I like my job and I’m good at it) so the kids stayed over at my mum and dads house last night and went to school from there this morning. My dad picked Joe up from school and took him to his counselling appointment because I had to wait at home to have some work done, I’d said I’d rearrange the work but my dad wouldn’t hear of it, he said he’d go with Joe to counselling.
Well, my Dad brings Joe home afterwards, walked in the house and ripped into me for something my eldest son has supposedly done last night, my Dad says he bullies Joe constantly and last night he apparently jabbed him with a corkscrew. Whilst my Dad is having his say (or rant) the poor bloke who is fitting a new phoneline in my house doesn’t know where to look (neither do I to be honest) anyway, I asked my Dad if it was just my eldest who had been misbehaving (for want of a better word) and he said yes, its always him, you need to get him sorted out and give him a good hiding.
I don’t and never have hit my boys, except for once when the youngest was about to put his hands in the gas fire while it was on. I’ve asked all 3 boys what happened last night and they all in their own ways said it was all of them being silly and all 3 said they are sorry, and have said so to my Dad.
This isn’t a one off, I work almost full time to support me and the kids, I’d rather work than be on benefits and ten years ago when I took the job it was because my parents assured me they wouldlove to have the kids for the few hours it would take, it’s not every day and it’s not even every week they stay over, I try to arrange my shifts so I put as little pressure as possible on my parents, even more so now that I have Joe. My Dad insists on picking me up from work if they have the kids, it works out easier I suppose as I don’t have a car at the moment, so he picks me up with the kids and drops us all at home, but every time I get in the car I say Hi, had a good day? Or similar and he starts off on my eldest time and time again. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve even thought of looking for a job that means I don’t need to leave the boys with my parents, but I don’t want to leave the job I have.
My eldest boy has given up so much since Joe came here, he wanted Joe to live with us, he said he’d share his room, he shares everything with his cousin, he’s lost his ‘own space’ and never complains, he is the first to defend Joe time and time again, but he’s only 13 and still finding his own way. I know he’s no angel, but he’s a good lad. Unfortunately his Grandad is pushing him away so fast and hard he just doesn’t want to go to his house anymore, and the friction this is causing is making me feel physically ill.
I just don’t know how to deal with this at all. I’ve spoken to my mum and I ended up crying, that just isn’t me.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just don’t know who else to turn to for ideas. If you got this far, thank you for reading.
(I forgot to add, all three kids and my mum said it was mainly my youngest who was to blame for last nights incident, not the eldest)
I just need to get it out of my system really and I usually find this is the best place. I’m so down today, I’ve been back at work for two weeks after six weeks off sick (my doc put debility on my sick note) I enjoyed the break, spent quality time with the kids, I recharged my batteries and I felt really good.
I went to work yesterday lunchtime and just got back today at 1pm (yeah, I know, but I like my job and I’m good at it) so the kids stayed over at my mum and dads house last night and went to school from there this morning. My dad picked Joe up from school and took him to his counselling appointment because I had to wait at home to have some work done, I’d said I’d rearrange the work but my dad wouldn’t hear of it, he said he’d go with Joe to counselling.
Well, my Dad brings Joe home afterwards, walked in the house and ripped into me for something my eldest son has supposedly done last night, my Dad says he bullies Joe constantly and last night he apparently jabbed him with a corkscrew. Whilst my Dad is having his say (or rant) the poor bloke who is fitting a new phoneline in my house doesn’t know where to look (neither do I to be honest) anyway, I asked my Dad if it was just my eldest who had been misbehaving (for want of a better word) and he said yes, its always him, you need to get him sorted out and give him a good hiding.
I don’t and never have hit my boys, except for once when the youngest was about to put his hands in the gas fire while it was on. I’ve asked all 3 boys what happened last night and they all in their own ways said it was all of them being silly and all 3 said they are sorry, and have said so to my Dad.
This isn’t a one off, I work almost full time to support me and the kids, I’d rather work than be on benefits and ten years ago when I took the job it was because my parents assured me they wouldlove to have the kids for the few hours it would take, it’s not every day and it’s not even every week they stay over, I try to arrange my shifts so I put as little pressure as possible on my parents, even more so now that I have Joe. My Dad insists on picking me up from work if they have the kids, it works out easier I suppose as I don’t have a car at the moment, so he picks me up with the kids and drops us all at home, but every time I get in the car I say Hi, had a good day? Or similar and he starts off on my eldest time and time again. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve even thought of looking for a job that means I don’t need to leave the boys with my parents, but I don’t want to leave the job I have.
My eldest boy has given up so much since Joe came here, he wanted Joe to live with us, he said he’d share his room, he shares everything with his cousin, he’s lost his ‘own space’ and never complains, he is the first to defend Joe time and time again, but he’s only 13 and still finding his own way. I know he’s no angel, but he’s a good lad. Unfortunately his Grandad is pushing him away so fast and hard he just doesn’t want to go to his house anymore, and the friction this is causing is making me feel physically ill.
I just don’t know how to deal with this at all. I’ve spoken to my mum and I ended up crying, that just isn’t me.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just don’t know who else to turn to for ideas. If you got this far, thank you for reading.
(I forgot to add, all three kids and my mum said it was mainly my youngest who was to blame for last nights incident, not the eldest)
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what a tough situation, Lucy -
Sounds like your Dad is convinced to see only what he wants to see. That is sad for him and everyone around.
For me it is very difficult to talk to my parents about their behaviors and setting boundaries with them. So please know that this is only a suggestion and it would be hard for me to do and it has been difficult for me when I have had to confront my parents about behaviors toward my girls when they were little.
Maybe you could talk to your Dad and ask him to not berate your children in front of them. If there is behavior that needs to be discuss, to please discuss that with you in private. Then maybe you could take what you liked & leave the rest, and protect the children from hearing his "rants".
He might not agree to it but it hopefully it would help him to realize how he may not need to discuss everything where little ones can hear.
Prayers & sending out good thoughts as you work with trying to get your Dad to honor your boundaries.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
Sounds like your Dad is convinced to see only what he wants to see. That is sad for him and everyone around.
For me it is very difficult to talk to my parents about their behaviors and setting boundaries with them. So please know that this is only a suggestion and it would be hard for me to do and it has been difficult for me when I have had to confront my parents about behaviors toward my girls when they were little.
Maybe you could talk to your Dad and ask him to not berate your children in front of them. If there is behavior that needs to be discuss, to please discuss that with you in private. Then maybe you could take what you liked & leave the rest, and protect the children from hearing his "rants".
He might not agree to it but it hopefully it would help him to realize how he may not need to discuss everything where little ones can hear.
Prayers & sending out good thoughts as you work with trying to get your Dad to honor your boundaries.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow Lucy--
I guess I would call a "family meeting" with the three boys (Kitchen table, 8:00pm, cookies will be served!! I have paper and pens laid out - I make it very business like which also helps me keep my cool if it is a "hot topic!!! It also seems to bring out their better selves.)
I would just remind them calmly and rationally what the expected behaviors are when at Grandparent's house, and what your general rules of engagement are (i.e.; no weapons (corkscrews!!), no biting, no punching, whatever!) And then see if you can get them to talk about ways they can remember to cool things off before they get into a situation like that again. I usually try to throw in a silly suggestion or two just so they can laugh or roll their eyes at me in comraderie with each other-- I find that if I actually write down their suggestions as a list it encourages them to offer more, but I know all kids are different.
Then I'd probably have a heart to heart w/ eldest son alone somewhere "off-campus" and find some good things to say about him and his behavior and his efforts at making cousin feel at home. And I'd explain that sometimes Grandpa overreacts and not to take it personally but to come talk to me about it. Behind Grandpa's reaction is just love of the boys and fear of someone really getting seriously hurt.
I don't know how much good it would do to talk to your Dad alone about it. He may be being hard on your kids because his heart is aching for what Joe is going through... But hey, your parent's seemed to "get it" recently a little bit about your A brother didn't they? Maybe your Dad would be open to a heart to heart.
Also, when my boys were that age if I didn't nip certain situations in the bud they always ended up in a bad place. It's hard because boys can roughhouse successfully most times and they have a good time- little puppies, but if it crosses the line - watch out!
One day at a time Lucy! Just when you get this stage of the siblings/cousin dynamic figured out they'll present you with some new chhallenge I'm sure!!
Peace & (((hugs)))
B.
I guess I would call a "family meeting" with the three boys (Kitchen table, 8:00pm, cookies will be served!! I have paper and pens laid out - I make it very business like which also helps me keep my cool if it is a "hot topic!!! It also seems to bring out their better selves.)
I would just remind them calmly and rationally what the expected behaviors are when at Grandparent's house, and what your general rules of engagement are (i.e.; no weapons (corkscrews!!), no biting, no punching, whatever!) And then see if you can get them to talk about ways they can remember to cool things off before they get into a situation like that again. I usually try to throw in a silly suggestion or two just so they can laugh or roll their eyes at me in comraderie with each other-- I find that if I actually write down their suggestions as a list it encourages them to offer more, but I know all kids are different.
Then I'd probably have a heart to heart w/ eldest son alone somewhere "off-campus" and find some good things to say about him and his behavior and his efforts at making cousin feel at home. And I'd explain that sometimes Grandpa overreacts and not to take it personally but to come talk to me about it. Behind Grandpa's reaction is just love of the boys and fear of someone really getting seriously hurt.
I don't know how much good it would do to talk to your Dad alone about it. He may be being hard on your kids because his heart is aching for what Joe is going through... But hey, your parent's seemed to "get it" recently a little bit about your A brother didn't they? Maybe your Dad would be open to a heart to heart.
Also, when my boys were that age if I didn't nip certain situations in the bud they always ended up in a bad place. It's hard because boys can roughhouse successfully most times and they have a good time- little puppies, but if it crosses the line - watch out!
One day at a time Lucy! Just when you get this stage of the siblings/cousin dynamic figured out they'll present you with some new chhallenge I'm sure!!
Peace & (((hugs)))
B.
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Thank you both for your replies.
I feel much better today, we'd already done the family meeting last night. I think that turned out ok because I got the full story from the three boys (and checked with my mum that it was the true story, which it was) It was completely different to the one my dad had given me. We talked about how things would be different today, as I'm at work again for 3 hours after school. The boys all said they're going to go outside and play football, which wasn't really the solution I was looking for, but if it gives everyone a bit of breathing space I suppose it may not be a bad thing. They also said that they will try harder to keep to the rules (which is difficult as I know my dad changes them to suit himself sometimes)
I spoke to my dad too, and asked him to at least let me know what the problem is before he starts ranting at me about something I have no knowledge of and, undermining me in front of the boys.
I need to think about my own reactions too today, because I think whatever happens for the rest of today, the only part of this that I have any control over now is the way I react to it.
I feel much better today, we'd already done the family meeting last night. I think that turned out ok because I got the full story from the three boys (and checked with my mum that it was the true story, which it was) It was completely different to the one my dad had given me. We talked about how things would be different today, as I'm at work again for 3 hours after school. The boys all said they're going to go outside and play football, which wasn't really the solution I was looking for, but if it gives everyone a bit of breathing space I suppose it may not be a bad thing. They also said that they will try harder to keep to the rules (which is difficult as I know my dad changes them to suit himself sometimes)
I spoke to my dad too, and asked him to at least let me know what the problem is before he starts ranting at me about something I have no knowledge of and, undermining me in front of the boys.
I need to think about my own reactions too today, because I think whatever happens for the rest of today, the only part of this that I have any control over now is the way I react to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I like your last line there Lucy, and all of Bernadette's words. I think you are doing great, but there is something about having our parents criticize us that can bring us back to childhood, huh? You are a grown woman who is doing GREAT. Have confidence in yourself, and in your boys. It was your first week back, and you must be tired plus the boys are having to make that adjustment also. A lot of this is out of YOUR control, and the boys will have to learn how to deal with some uncomfortableness without YOUR control also. It is part of growing up, not having your parent there to shelter you from consequences. Your dad must feel a lot of pain with his son not being the father he should--I would think that that would have a great effect on a father of an A. Still, it does not excuse his treating you the way he did in front of the boys, and you told him how it needs to be handled in the future, you set a boundary for yourself. Hang in there, Lucy, parenting is tough. And parenting teenagers is tougher! Look out for yourself in this Lucy, breathe, and do remember B's advice: one day at a time.
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Well, I've been to work, the kids all behaved well apparently, not even a minor squabble.
My dad picked me up from work, with the kids in the car. He ignored my hello and didnt speak to me all the 15 minute trip home. I just thanked him for the ride and got out of the car.
He also apparently hasnt spoken to my eldest all evening.
He did however make a big show of telling Joe he loved him as he got out of the car.
I really need to think about what I should say, but my dad and I need to have words.
I don't have the time or inclination to enter into his mind games, but I do know I need to put a stop to them one way or the other before they damage too many relationships.
I've got some thiking to do.
My dad picked me up from work, with the kids in the car. He ignored my hello and didnt speak to me all the 15 minute trip home. I just thanked him for the ride and got out of the car.
He also apparently hasnt spoken to my eldest all evening.
He did however make a big show of telling Joe he loved him as he got out of the car.
I really need to think about what I should say, but my dad and I need to have words.
I don't have the time or inclination to enter into his mind games, but I do know I need to put a stop to them one way or the other before they damage too many relationships.
I've got some thiking to do.
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Heya Lucy--
Wow that's such obvious hurtful behavior on your Dad's part.
What do you think is really bugging him?
What's the payoff for him of that behavior? Was he ever like that to you as a child?
It's so hard- and you're trying to do so much.
I hope you find some insight and that your Dad somehow has some realizations too....
:praying
Peace,
B.
Wow that's such obvious hurtful behavior on your Dad's part.
What do you think is really bugging him?
What's the payoff for him of that behavior? Was he ever like that to you as a child?
It's so hard- and you're trying to do so much.
I hope you find some insight and that your Dad somehow has some realizations too....
:praying
Peace,
B.
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I was going to say he was never like that when I was a child, but looking back I think maybe he was. He's always favoured my brother, ever since I can remember. He was very strict with both of us, his word was law, no grey areas, everything was black and white with my dad, and I've been trying to think of a time when he might have been wrong about something (or at least admitted he was) but I cant think of one.
I've been thinking about it all all morning, and I think he might be feeling like everything is spiraling out of his control and maybe he's not 'needed' as much as he used to be. His son is an A, and he cant control that. He's been watching me do a damn fine job (even if i say so myself) of bringing 2 kids up by myself and more recently 3 kids, so maybe he's trying to reassert his authority.
Whatever it is I've had enough. I'm going to speak to the kids tonight about respecting other people and remind them that even if other people dont seem to be respecting them, they will be the better person for carrying on being respectful themselves. (I know that last bit sounds a bit jumbled, but I'll have the right words by tonight)
I've been thinking about it all all morning, and I think he might be feeling like everything is spiraling out of his control and maybe he's not 'needed' as much as he used to be. His son is an A, and he cant control that. He's been watching me do a damn fine job (even if i say so myself) of bringing 2 kids up by myself and more recently 3 kids, so maybe he's trying to reassert his authority.
Whatever it is I've had enough. I'm going to speak to the kids tonight about respecting other people and remind them that even if other people dont seem to be respecting them, they will be the better person for carrying on being respectful themselves. (I know that last bit sounds a bit jumbled, but I'll have the right words by tonight)
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Lucy)))
I was thinking the same thing as Bernadette..has he always been like this?
After reading your post, I'm thinking maybe he's feeling guilt at how your brother turned out, and since he's going after your oldest, he is projecting the guilt toward him? It's just coming out as anger?
Either way, it's wrong, and I think you are doing an AWESOME job with the 3 boys, as usual
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was thinking the same thing as Bernadette..has he always been like this?
After reading your post, I'm thinking maybe he's feeling guilt at how your brother turned out, and since he's going after your oldest, he is projecting the guilt toward him? It's just coming out as anger?
Either way, it's wrong, and I think you are doing an AWESOME job with the 3 boys, as usual
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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A couple of days have passed and I've calmed down a lot now. I need your opinions please.
I've tried to talk to my dad about singling my eldest out, but all I got in response was sarcasm about my favourite baby, I've also tried to ask him not to single out Joe for his affection, he thinks Joe deserves it because of what he's been through.
Also on my way home from nights this morning my dad passed me in the car as he was bringing the kids home (I used the bus as I really didn't want to be in the car with him) as I got to my house and thanked him for bringing the kids home he turned away and blanked me, so I just said thanks and took the kids in the house.
Am I wrong to be sick of being the one who makes the peace?
I made myself ill trying to stop my family falling apart because of my brothers behaviour, because my mum and dad were worried sick about him and Joe.
I have enough to do looking after the boys, working, looking after my house, why should I worry about my dads behaviour now?
If he wants to behave like a chld and not even discuss what his problem is really am I wrong to think 'well, ok, get on with it'?
The reason I'm having doubts about this is because my kids spend a few hours a week at my parents house and I'm not happy with this part of my dad being their role model, for whatever reason none of the kids dads are in their lives as much as my dad is, and I'm worried they will take his behaviour as an example of how to treat people.
UUUUUrrrrrgggggg!
I've tried to talk to my dad about singling my eldest out, but all I got in response was sarcasm about my favourite baby, I've also tried to ask him not to single out Joe for his affection, he thinks Joe deserves it because of what he's been through.
Also on my way home from nights this morning my dad passed me in the car as he was bringing the kids home (I used the bus as I really didn't want to be in the car with him) as I got to my house and thanked him for bringing the kids home he turned away and blanked me, so I just said thanks and took the kids in the house.
Am I wrong to be sick of being the one who makes the peace?
I made myself ill trying to stop my family falling apart because of my brothers behaviour, because my mum and dad were worried sick about him and Joe.
I have enough to do looking after the boys, working, looking after my house, why should I worry about my dads behaviour now?
If he wants to behave like a chld and not even discuss what his problem is really am I wrong to think 'well, ok, get on with it'?
The reason I'm having doubts about this is because my kids spend a few hours a week at my parents house and I'm not happy with this part of my dad being their role model, for whatever reason none of the kids dads are in their lives as much as my dad is, and I'm worried they will take his behaviour as an example of how to treat people.
UUUUUrrrrrgggggg!
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Do you have the option of the kids being at home alone rather than going to your parents' place? They seem to be old enough to be on their own for some time each day. It might send a message to your dad that his behavior is unacceptable and that he needs to change if he wants the kids around. I would also find another way to/from work so that you don't have to get a daily dose of drama.
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At the moment I don't really have another option Barbara, I wish I did and I'm working on it.
The kids finish school at around 3pm and I don't work 'regualr' hours. sometimes I could be home at 6pm, sometimes 8, occasionally I have to work overnight, and I'm waiting for a court date to get custody of Joe with my main thing being the times he was left home alone. My Dad knows I'm stuck at the moment without their help, but that was also one of the things that swayed my decision to take on Joe as I did, I was promised help.
I wouldn't give Joe up now, and it is difficult without my parents help, but I'll manage one way or another.
I love my job, but if I have to change it so I'm not dependant on my parents looking after my kids then thats the way it'll have to be.
The kids finish school at around 3pm and I don't work 'regualr' hours. sometimes I could be home at 6pm, sometimes 8, occasionally I have to work overnight, and I'm waiting for a court date to get custody of Joe with my main thing being the times he was left home alone. My Dad knows I'm stuck at the moment without their help, but that was also one of the things that swayed my decision to take on Joe as I did, I was promised help.
I wouldn't give Joe up now, and it is difficult without my parents help, but I'll manage one way or another.
I love my job, but if I have to change it so I'm not dependant on my parents looking after my kids then thats the way it'll have to be.
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