savingmaggie

I am needing to vent and just wrote a long message only to have it disappear on me....so I'll try this again...

I haven't spoken to my ABF in five days. Last Saturday we were suppose to spend the evening together at his place but earlier in the day he had to pick up his daughter at her mother's and take her shopping for new things to take with her to rehab. She had not stayed at his place since the previous Wednesday after taking off on her father and heading straight to a drug dealer and then on to the guys home that she stole a car with (she is out on conditions from jail in order to attend a rehab but had a 2 week wait to get in) This was the third time she had taken off on him and he advised her she was not going to stay there anymore and had to now stay with her mother.

Well he called me early afternoon to say they had done their shopping and he was going to pick up a truck that a couple of guys were working on...he would call me later...he called around 4 pm and was slurring his words....said he treated the boys to a drink in the yard and now he was tired and was going to take a nap....I could hear his daughter saying..."I don't know why I can't stay here"...he then said to me I'll call you in a bit..

I waited until 6 and gave him a call...he had just woke up and said he was having an arthritis attack...too tired to drive...said he would get his daughter to call her mother to come get her and would call me right back..

Well I waited again until after 7:30 and called him again as I was feeling so ill and just wanted to get settled for the evening...my place or his...so I called...he answers his cell laughing and I could hear a lot of people in the background....he was up the road at a party with his daughter...I asked him why he never called me back and at that point I could hear his daughter saying to everyone..."oh great...if she comes out here that means I have to leave...can you imagine?" All I said to him then was never mind I can hear what she is saying...
He replied...Okay...See ya then....and hung up...I have to say that for a moment I wanted to cry...Why did he hang up on me? Why didn't he consequence his daughter for her rude and untrue remarks? Why was he at a party drinking when she is not stable and out on conditions?

And then something inside me just happened....I can't explain it...I wasn't angry, sad, hurt, scared...nothing...I just knew it was over for me...I was not doing this one more second and not once since then have I had one tear for this relationship...

I have not spoken to him since...the next day he called over and over throughout the day leaving messages...first ones were like...I don't know what your problem is....call me back and let me know if you are going to do that favor for me....to a thanks a lot for ruining my day ...to finally at midnight drunk and begging me to call him....that his daughter was very ill and he didn't know what to do....I didn't bite...

Then silence for the past several days...I knew his daughter had to appear back in court on Tuesday and he was driving her to rehab yesterday....so today now that he is alone he starts calling again...first thing this morning....I did not answer...

When I got to work he left a message on my phone there....Hi...I am so sorry....I really miss you...sorry I do things that make you mad at me.....but I really need you to call...I am having kidney stones and I can't pass them...I am unable to pee...I will probably need to go into the hospital and I need you to call me right away....I did not bite...but the calls have continued.....

It's hard not to feel guilty about not helping him out in his medical emergency but I just can't...I am all used up....I have no more to give....Three years of rescuing has robbed me of myself...and right now...this moment I need to take care of me...and the fact I am sick right now will be a non issue to him because it's all about his need for someone to feed his animals and look after the farm while he is gone....well where are your drinking buddies when you need them most uh?

I know I have to do the adult thing and tell him I do not want any more contact with him...I am just too sick right now with the flu and part of me just doesn't want to face the raging or sobbing depending on the time of day and amount of alcohol he has consumed...

What is the adult thing in this situation?

Thanks for allowing me the forum to write out my thoughts...sometimes that's all I need...to get a better perspective on things...

Peace everyone

Maggie

LaTeeDa

I would say it doesn't matter what the "adult" thing is, or the "normal" thing, or any of those other societal standards we impose on ourselves. What is the right thing for you? Maybe it's telling him you are done and don't call anymore. Maybe it's just ignoring him till he finally gives up and goes away. Maybe it's changing your number and your name and going into a witness protection program.

Do what's best for you, and then do the next thing that's best for you. Keep on doing that, and you can't go wrong.

L

marshallzhukov

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of that. You are certainly doing the right thing by avoiding his calls, and if he does not take a hint and stop calling in the next couple of days then I suggest you change your phone number... is it possible to do that in Canada without incurring a hefty fee?
I think your situation is even worse than most because not only is your ABF incapable or unwilling to help himself, but he will not even help his own daughter, if he is in fact taking her to parties when she is out on bond and should be going to rehab. Unfortunately, these two individuals in your life are both extremely sick and are bad for themselves and bad for each other. I sincerely think that you are in a no-win situation if you do not continue to remain separated from them.
Congrats on staying strong so far...

savingmaggie

Thanks for your replies...

Things have gone quiet again today....Thank Goodness as I am very sick today and heading for bed for awhile....I have been dragging myself to work these days because I just came off sick leave for a pinched nerve and caught a bad cold the day before I was to return...so it's been fun....

I ran into a friend of his today while working on the road and all he said was that he passed the stone finally late yesterday afternoon....so he is now on the mend....All I said was that I was glad he did....and changed the subject...This friend of his understands why I am no longer with my A. He has witnessed how he treats me at times and also how he treated the woman before me....I did not have to say anything today...

Anyway thanks again for your support...it is difficult to admit defeat when you are use to spending all your time focused on "a cure"....but I know it's not my fight to fight...mine right now is to get well from this cold and then get myself well...

Peace

Maggie

grateful2b

wow..maggie..*good*for*you...
I have said it before...I don't know when my AD's bottom will be but I knew mine when I saw it...and good for you for recognizing yours
time for you now...
Grateful - a.k.a. a transplanted potatopicker but really a herringchoker at heart ...lol

savingmaggie

Today has been a difficult one....he called first thing this morning and left a very sad message...I could tell he was shaking and upset over my silence...he wanted me to call and be straight with him...I wanted to cry when I heard it....but I never called him back....and it's hard to hear the sadness in his voice and not want to offer some comfort but I know it would do no good....he has always promised that this time will be different...that this time he will get help...and always things remain the same and I get sucked back into the black hole....

I exhausted myself trying to help this man...at the expense of my friends and family...I rarely spent time at home....he never liked coming here preferring the country life or so he said( I live in a wooded subdivision outside the city)...I helped him at the farm...with his animals....with cutting and splitting wood to heat his home....painting bedrooms and putting up curtains....cooking his meals and cleaning the house....

He owns 150 acres, 2 large barns, a big house and two camps....there is a lot of work to be done....and a lot of it goes undone because he drinks....on Mother's day I spent the day cleaning the barn....on my birthday I got a card and a kiss then he was off for a day of fishing and drinking....it was better than the year before when I got home from work to find him and several of his friends "celebrating" my birthday....drunk and obnoxious....

On top of this was his cocaine addicted daughter....For the past 2 years it's been one crisis after another with her....She was very spoiled as an only child and only grandchild on her mother's side....she had dirt bikes and horses and a new car and pretty much whatever she wanted....she expected to get what she wanted....She was recently diagnosed as a sociopath or ASPD and she does not have the ability to empathize....she will recklessly walk all over you if it means she gets what she wants and never bat an eye.....add to this a serious addiction....well need I say more....

I know I love this man in spite of all this but love is not enough for me to continue to live like this anymore....I know I have to do the adult thing and tell him it's over...it's the how that I haven't figured out yet....

Anyway...I know I'll be okay but today I am just sad....

maggie

murphy1

HI maggie,i will pass to you advice given to me lately ,you can either sit at home being sad and still be letting him upset you even thou he is gone or get out of the rutt and live ,i have a saying and i tell my self this all the time ,LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART ,your heart is at a weak point now but your head is together ,i will light a candle for you today,dont be sad dear maggie :ghug3