NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hello everyone. I am having a difficult time with my alkie partner. I'm waiting for my sponsor to call, but I would like to throw this situation out there for some feedback.

I have been with my partner on and off for almost 6 years now. She has been sober for 7. When we first moved in together almost 2 years ago and I got sober, she attended meetings with me, found a sponsor, was really working her program. Now, different story. I'm trying not to take her inventory, but she hasn't been going to meetings, stopped her step work, doesn't call her sponsor, she even missed picking up her 7 year chip! Anyway, I've been trying to keep my side of the street clean.

Last night I worked late. As we have one car, she picked me up. It takes 20 mintues to get home. We are almost home and after telling me all about her day, her doctor's appointment, her, her, her she mentions my sister called. Twice. My sis and I ususally email, so this is odd. I asked if everything was alright.

She says: "oh, I think one of your aunts died? Aunt ______________."

I broke down. I had to get out of the car so that I wouldn't say something mean and angry to her. How could she not think that this information would supersede talking bout her day? I'm so upset with her right now.

I see her as being really self centered and selfish right now. Is it me? Thanks.

Rella927

IMHO it sounds as if maybe as you are becoming more healthy-that you can
see her more clear.

Maybe she has always been this way and you never noticed it before?

It could be you but not in a negative way -when we become more healthy things are seen in a much different light than when "our side of the street was not so clean" People change and so do we....

sorry that you are going through this right now-

zendust

Sounds like she is dry...not really sober.

You had every right to be upset. A death in the family is serious. Your feelings need to be communicated, but don't have any expectations. I lived with a dry drunk for many years...they just can't see what they are doing...or not doing as the case may be.

Lilyflower

I agree it sounds as though she has stopped working her programme, and gone dry! Perhaps she has fallen to thinking she can handle it now after 7 yrs.

I also ditto what Rella says, as time goes by and we leave the fogginess behaind it is inevitable that we begin to see things differently. People grow and change all the time. Perhaps you are outgrowing one another? Just a thought.

I am sorry to hear that your aunt has passed away, my condolences to you,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

You don't have to be an alcoholic to do that. Just someone who puts themselves ahead of everything and everyone else. Not too uncommon. I'd be upset as well.

NeedHappiness

NOMO, I am SO sorry to hear about your aunt! My condelences to you.
I think it was very inconsiderate of your SO to make light of the situation. I must say this though, my younger sister is the EXACT same way and she doesn't drink! she has always been all about HER, HER HER! I think some people are just like that.
I'm certainly not making excuses for you SO. I agree that I would communicate my feeling to her about this

freya

NOMO: So sorry to hear you are going through this -- I know how hard this can be because my partner had a severe dry drunk relapse about 8 years into our relationship. At the time, I knew nothing about alcoholism and, boy, did she get big leverage out of the "Well, I'm not drinking, so there's obviously nothing wrong with me" line. Luckily, you know enough to that that's b*llsh*t!

First off, I need to say that I don't think you are taking her inventory -- you are describing behaviors of hers that affect you and that indicate where she's at emotionally and spiritually. And you have to acknowledge and accept where she's at in order to figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself given where she's at. And you have the absolute right to talk about any and all of that with the people whom you go to for support -- either here or in RL -- while you're trying to work through it and figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself.

I know you've read a lot of my posts, so you know where my partner's dry-drunk relapse took her and what happened in our relationship because of it. I guess, I'll just say that, for me at this point, I really truly believe that, when it comes to recovery, if someone is not growing, they're going...and for me, because I am growing and am absolutely committed to continuing to do so, that also means that a person who is "going" rather than "growing" can only "go" so far before we'll be too far apart for us to have a relationship of any meaningful type......It's sad and it's definitely not what I want for anyone I care about, but I am not giving up my own growth or my serenity -- let alone going backwards -- for anyone or for any reason.

I've posted about this before, but I'll tell it again here, because it's really profound. I heard a double winner speaker a few years ago, and she was talking about she and her husband had married when they were both really working their AA programs hard and then he stopped and finally he relapsed. Meanwhile, she's going to AA and Al Anon and working her programs like crazy and wondering what's wrong with her and her programs that she has not become healthy enough to be content/happy/serene living with an active addict.

Finally her sponsor told her to put that question out to HP each day when she prayed and after a few weeks of doing this, she got an answer from HP. The answer was: "The problem isn't that you're not healthy enough to live with an unrecovering addict; the problem is that you're too healthy to live with an unrecovernig addict."

I'll be praying for you both -- freya

lizw

I've had two relationships both with other recovering addicts/alcoholics, members of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have been sober 10 years myself.

I have learnt not to be the meeting police, sponsor police, recovery police when it came to my partners recovery - in my 2nd relationship not the first. I'm a slow learner.

That 2nd relationship ended and for me the miracle of that was I didn't put it down to him not 'working a program'. How another person works their program is none of my business, how I work mine is my own.

The biggest lesson I learned though was this: I am not a saint.
Which at first glance goes against what I said earlier, but it doesn't. Nor should I expect myself to be one. If you are unhappy with your partner, tell her. If my partners behaviour was affecting me, in the end, I told him. Hence why the relationship eventually ended. I was unhappy in it.

Part of my Al Anon stuff is I like to pretend nothing affects me. Focusing on anothers behaviour is a convient way to do this too. It also keeps me being a victim. Then I can guilt people into doing what I want.

Sounds like she did a crap thing not telling you about your Aunt. You could try mentioning it (as a way of taking care of yourself) and in a nice orderly fashion, if you can. If you can't, screaming it at her may not help but at least you'll get it out. We all gotta taking care of ourselves start somewhere.

:ghug2

respektingme

Yeah, oddly enough (not really), my AH's 3 children are completely consumed with themselves. They aren't alcoholics. But man, the conversation gets so old, so fast. They only want to talk about themselves. Could care less what's going on around them.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I did calmly talk to her and she apologized. She had some confusion about who it was that died, and in trying to deliver the news to me, f'd it up. She had good intentions.

My sponsor who is also a double winner suggested I go to an Alanon meeting, which I will be going to this afternoon.

I have a hard time with voicing what needs to be voiced. I also have a hard time in recognizing when I've been wronged. I often think I'm overreacting, when in fact, I usually am not.

So, off to pick up another box of tools! Thank you all so much for the replies.

xo

WLDKATZ

No Mo I am sorry for your loss, hopefully you find additional tools that you need to help see you threw I can't give you any more advice than has been said except YOU KNOW YOU!!!!!! You do know when you have been wronged and you know when you have been hurt and it is up to you to voice, which you did, your worries, hurt and flustration......maybe she needs a gentle prod from a friend not a partner.......good luck honey!!!!

Love and Hugs,
Pamm and Fam

lizw

Join the club.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

The meeting was great! I have to admit, I'm pretty fuzzy on the approach, I guess it's that "OMG, you can do that?" feeling. Hard for me to believe that you can still be a loving person and stick up for yourself at the same time.

This is gonna take some work. :-)