julieta79

Hello~
I'm just looking for help because I feel that I am the addict and not my former recovering alcoholic flame.
I met him online:Ivy league grad, charming, smart, working for Public company, from very wealthy background and perfect loving family. We met 3 times(great connection, fun and laughter), and then he vanished, claiming he was too busy to date me...Ok, I was very sad but I let go...
He called in 2 months out of the blue, and said that he wants to spend his birthday with me, as friends. He told me he moved back to San Francisco to work for his dad, and that he had some alcohol problems. He spend a month clearing up "the shakes". I was like, sure, everyone drinks in college, so he had to stop partying. Normal right? We met and it was wonderful! Then he went home, and the emails started pouring in: how he was broken, mistreated many people, but how I am so special and he is so positive for his future. We met just two other times, and it was awesome. He was very nice and loving, and we had a great time holding hands.And we talked every day, by texting, emailing, and phone calls.

Few months passed, and he was studying for the Bar, so I excused him for not being very responsive and lowering the communication. Then one day, out of the blue and right after telling me how much he misses me,he stopped picking up the phone. I called 5 days in a row, i thought somehting bad happened. On the end, I called from another phone, and he said he wanted to see what will happen if he doesn't pick up?!?!From that on, he would randomly respond to some of my texts, and disappear for days. I felt he had fun making me miserable. I begged him to tell me that its over, but he just remained quiet for days, then come up with a crazy excuse how he was in Canada, so forth...Finally I forced him to send me a good bye its over email blaming the long distance...

It looks fine right? But I always felt there is some very illogical, mean, cruel part of this man, yet I am so obssessed with him. I have been living right next to my phone, just waiting for him to text or call...I read about alcoholics, and how twisted they can be...I am so scared, but I can't let go...
I write to him every day, like I am an addict myself...I write him postive things, and how I want to support him, and I know he doesn't understand half of this, but I want him so much to be well...

I have been in healthy relationships, and I have never been so co-dependent. I am pretty, datable, responsible girl with very good job.But maybe because he never gave me any reassurance, and I thought I am not good enough for him and his rich WASP family.But I need help...How can I stop contacting him...I read every article about alcoholism, and how lucky am I that he left, but I need to stop calling him...Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Is there a therapy group for people like me in love with alcoholics? I am left with so many new issues after this short-lived 5 months long-distance romance, because he messed up my head and twisted my logic.

tormented22267

Welcome Julieta! Yes there is a group for people in relationships with alcoholics, Al-Alon. There are also several good books, 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie is a great one. There's also tons of help here on SR. I've only been on here for a couple of weeks, but just reading through the threads, reading the 'stickies' at the top of the forum, and getting some advice from some very wonderful, caring people on here, has helped me alot.

I still have a ways to go, but at least I know there is help and that I am not alone now.

Please keep coming back.

Wishing all the best!

LaTeeDa

If I could pick one sentence of your post to call your attention to, it would be this one:

It's really not about him, it's about you. He has discovered something about you which he can exploit to his advantage. Your job is to figure out what that something is, and refuse to allow him (or anyone, for that matter) to exploit it.

Self-discovery is a difficult, yet exciting journey. Most everyone here is on that journey, welcome aboard!

L

Rella927

Welcome Julieta- Glad that you found us! Sorry that you are going through this
right now-Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled
with a wealth of information!

These stickies have always been a fav of mine:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html (Letting Go)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html (Are you wondering when the pain stops?)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html


Al-Anon would be something to look into and try a few meetings-it has helped
guide me in a new direction in my life-

My XABF Physically and verbally abused me to no end. I always wondered what was wrong with me, how could he do this to me etc...(Note the third stickie I posted regarding addicts). I started counseling years ago and always was being pushed by my counselor to go to an AL-Anon meeting I said nah I'm not going because of the A's in my life why should I? I'm not the one with the problem!

Well......let's just say today I was glad I walked in those doors and glad I logged onto SR..I have more compassion today for A's and for myself. I know today what I need to do to let go and move on in life and make it a peaceful life-It is your LIFE it is about you! Not about him.

It takes time be gentle with yourself as you will get through this-Keep posting grab a few books, journal, take a nice hot bath, go for a walk-Keep your mind and focus on yourself and do what will make you feel good right now!

julieta79

Thank you all so much! Oh of course I don't blame him, he hasn't done that much damage. He somehow unlocked an addiction in me. Maybe because I came from Eastern Europe, paid for college, and achieved many things alone, while he was partying, going to private schools, and having faboulous life.At one point I thought that carefree is what I need, an inner child, and he gave me that-always smiling, and casual, and funny. I remember not going to one of his parties, just because I was hoping to loose 3 pounds so I don't disappoint his friends... O God!!!!!I didn't know that he is an alcholic, and I didn't know that stopping the alcohol is not enough. I have never seen an alcoholic in my life, plus his background looks so healthy and perfect?!?!
I am praying that he doesn't respond to my emails...and I hope this pain will go away soon...But how could I miss someone who gave me so little respect and empathy, when I was begging him to just call and say that he is ALIVE?He made fun of my calls,I'm sure. I feel so low I am not trying to change the way he is, I am just trying to find WHY am I still emailing him every day, and what can I do to stop me? Why do I choose to reject many young available normal men and keep digging for the love of an alcoholic, love that I am fully aware he can't give me?

Just easier to post here instead of talking to him in my mind Thanks!

Freedom1990

You could line 10 guys up against the wall, and I'd pick the sickest one every time!

My man-picker was broken because I wasn't right with self.

When I am right with self, when I have a good conscious contact with my higher power, when I love me and accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I don't settle for less than what I deserve

Happiness is an inside job.

NYC_Chick

Julieta: Hi and Welcome!

What is your background with your own family? You don't have to answer, but I'm asking because I come from an alcoholic family and find that I ALWAYS find an addict one way or another. My father is an alcoholic. For years I tried to get him to pay attention and love me. He's sick and selfish, so this has always been to no avail. So, I recreated that in all my relationships.

What he's doing is not about you, it's about him. He's cruel, but you are allowing it. You can change how he treats you by just saying no. I know I'm over-simplifying here and it's easier said than done, but once you take control of you, it gets better. Read some of our histories and you will see.

I'm sure you are very worthy of a healthy and loving relationship. You just have to believe that first. I still have a long way to go. I'm still in love with my ex and miss him everyday, however, I am worth more than the alcohol he chose over me and will no longer come in second to that. That's the choice I made.

You are not powerless here. you just have to find your power. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic will only bring more pain. I tell myself everyday that if I am meant to be with my ex it will happen. If not, there is someone else (at least I hope) that will come into my life. For now, I'm focusing on getting myself right for me so I am open to that happening in the future.

prodigal

But how could I miss someone who gave me so little respect and empathy, when I was begging him to just call and say that he is ALIVE?

Well, it's because you are codependent. Just like the addict craves the substance-of-choice, you crave someone who is an addict. I think you might want to take the time to sit back and realize what you have posted. He showed you little respect or empathy. Yet you miss this. Perhaps the best place to start is to examine why you miss someone who disrespects you and has no empathy for you. In other words, someone who treats you badly.

Just try considering it for awhile and think about it: Why would you miss someone who doesn't give a hoot about you? What do you get from it? What is the payback; or, in other words, why is this someone you feel you miss?

Lizziesd

It sounds like you have accomplished a lot in your life. You seem driven. Maybe that is why you are chasing after him because you can't understand how that is the one thing you cannot have. Give it up! It's not worth your energy. Focus your energy on yourself and getting well/ Go to therapy to figure out why you feel as though you have to chase after someone that hasn't treated you well. Whenever you feel the urge to email him or call him, call friends, or family, or come here. Do volunteer work. Stay busy, so you won't contact me. Every time you even think about contacting him, remember how his rejection feels and use that pain to stop yourself from contacting him. Read the book called, "He is not into you" also, "It's called a break up because it's Broken" Best of luck to you. BTW, read the postings here. What kind of a life would you have if you married him and brought children into this world with him. Pure hell!!! Alcoholics don't change. It's a progressive disease and no one can help them, unless they help themselves. There is nothing you can do for him, save yourself. He is selfish and that is what addicts are...self centered and they use people to validate them, their habits, and their low self esteem. They can offer you the kind of life you would hope for....Certainly, he can offer you a healthy loving relationship. Best of luck to you

julieta79

Hi guys,
No my parents are not alcoholic, I come froma very close, loving family. I didn't know anything about alcoholism up until I received his good bye email. I know break ups but this was much more than that, this was CRUEL and not logical. So I looked for hints and I found it, he went home to clean up the SHAKES, and he wrote that he is very smart but very broken. Therefore, he is alcoholic. So I started reading and it all made sense finally.It's been only 5 days since I know...because I wanted to make sense...
I know he doesn't drink now. I think the best time was when he actually went out of rehab, and then was when I received all the glorious emails about new life, and bright beginning. If he is sober, he must be sober for about 5 months now. The weird part is, he probably doesn't drink, but the alki behavior stays? Thats very hard to grasp...and he can't feel anything, even if sober! Whoa!!!!

It all started when after a particularly loving email, he decided to not pick up the phone for 5 days. So he observed me: first, I sent a loving email, in 6 hours, I send a little worried one, then I called, then the next day I felt into a panic mode, I begged him to tell me whether he is alive...Then I caleld from another phone, and he picked up, and he was SO HAPPY, no regrets whatsoever.Just happy and joking about it. And then he said that he wants to continue to get to know me?!?!?!?!And that he is very jealous?!?!?!?!But he doesn't know when we will see each other, and if he can ever feel anyting towards me?!?!?!So I wanted to know what on earth is this..

Can anyone tell me what goes in their minds in the firts year of sobriety? I don't know if he drinks again, but I hope he doesnt...I wish him well!

Lilyflower

Hi Julieta, welcome to SR!

I will say what this sounds like to me - It sounds as though he is a very insecure man who has control issues. Not answering your calls for 5 days to see if you would get increasingly frantic, or just give up! A healthy caring and loving person would not treat another human like that, nor put someone through that type of emotional abuse.

That is the bottom line - abuse. Controlling people are abusive people in my experience.

About sobriety - again in my experience, just stopping the drink does not enduce sobriety, that is occomplished by therapy and self reflection as well as abstinence. Prolonged alcohol abuse effects the mind. In my opinion, the body (physical addiction) and the mind (mental addiction) both need to be treated. I believe this is why a ''sober'' recovering A can still behave just like an active alcoholic.

Keep reading and posting!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

My AH always said he had a "perfect" childhood and that his mother is a "saint". The truth is quite the opposite.