daisyjen

Well, I tried. I booked a nights stay at a nice hotel last wkend for the kids, RAH and I. My sister and her family stopped by for the day and we had a good time while RAH sulked. He was angry that I turned him down for a romp in the car on our way to our sons football game on Friday night. Says I ruined his fantasy... So he proceeded to pick on everything I did or said or was just plain ignorant to me. He said at least 3 times that on Tuesday he was calling a divorce lawyer. At this point, I think, please do!!! Tuesday afternoon he left a voice mail stating how sorry he was and he realized he was wrong. I knew he wouldnt have come to that conclusion on his own. He obviously spoke to our counselor. When I asked later if he did, he said yes. Monday night as I tried to sleep, he said (along with an hrs worth of nagging) if I wasnt willing to do those things in the car for him, he is done! I am just so over it. He thinks since he apologized everythings fine... until next time, I know... Lord, give me strength!!

blessed4x

OMG, are you sure he is not leading a double life......with ME? I swear that scene has played itself out at my house as well. The thing I'm beginning to realize is that nothing will change until I do. My AH has his fantasies, like yours. My fantasies are more along the lines of: He disappears and me and the kids live happily ever after.......magical thinking on my part! Thanks for sharing your story and keep sharing, I think we all learn so much from each other.

theotherone

Now there is a shared fantasy!!!...LOL!!!

OverItNow

Add me--and my life--to that list!

nowinsituation

Oh yeah -- I knew he wouldn't disappear, but I used to hope he would just up and die one day. Then I realized he WOULD die someday, but probably not after a long and lingering illness that would require someone (me) to be his caretaker. Actually, one day while eating a steak, drunk (of course) and missing enough teeth that it was difficult to chew -- he choked. I sat and looked at him, debating whether I could or should do the heimlich (sp?) maneuver. Turns out it wasn't necessary, but I wonder if I would have saved his life if I had to. Glad I don't have to worry about it anymore.

daisyjen

LMAO!!! Sometimes, I feel bad for thinking those same things!! BUT, I recover pretty quickly... I told my sister that I now know how women murder their husbands. Ive thought of it plenty, but no, I would never go thru with it. Just my fantasy!

freya

My fanatasy with my ex was that he would die in a plane crash while he was away on business (he travelled a lot) -- $500K life insurance we had on him, $500K that we would have gotten from his employer, and $500K from American Express Travel Related Services!!!!!

......but, even worse, my mom one time read an article in the newspapaer about how people who commit vehiculer homicide (i.e run someone over with their car) serve an average of 4 months in prison, with many of them getting off scott-free. So, she comes up to me one day, tells me this, and asks me if I want her to run him over!!!! To this day, I'm pretty sure she was not totally joking!!!!!

...but seriously, using sex as a weapon in any way is pure b*llsh*t and a total turn off....Someone needs to tell these guys that the best way to be attractive is to behave in an atttractive manner -- This is not rocket science, and if someone can't figure that out, then he (or she) is too stupid for me to find him/her attractive anyways!

freya

LaTeeDa

Wow, I have to say that this thread is a little disturbing to me. Why make the choice to stay with someone you wish would die?

My time on this earth is much too precious to me to spend in misery. I spent way too long hanging around wishing he would change. Sometimes I regret taking so long to accept reality. On the other hand, I guess I could still be wishing and suffering............

L

freya

Well, actually, at the time that I was in that place the reason that I was staying was because I thought that my kids needed a "whole" family.....and because I had worked so hard and invested so much in trying to give them that kind of family that it was just too threatening to me to accept the fact that that was not going to happen according to my plan. Of course, my thinking at the time was ridiculously distorted...distorted to the point that it never occurred to me that an emotionally ********, workaholic father and a mother who accepted all kinds of unacceptable behavior and was totally miserable was not exactly the kind of role-modeling I wanted for them either.

Another piece of it was that, at the time, I had no faith in HP because my thinking about it was: If there were a God, He would not be letting this happen to me. Again, totally distorted and stupid (....and arrogant: as if I should be able to understand the mind of "God" and as if "God" might not be able to take care of me and my kinds regardless of whether there was a biological father in the picture or not!)....

...So, the short answer to your question: Very limited rationality, No trust, No Faith, No program -- that's why.

I'm not saying that it was a good or healthy place to be, but it's where I was and I'm not going to try to pretend it wasn't or feel guilty or ashamed about it or pretend that I can't relate to or understand or feel sympathy for others who are going through the same thing, because, if I hadn't been there and walked through that, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be where I am now.

freya

LaTeeDa

It was not my intention to get anyone to pretend, or feel guilty or ashamed. I know that people on this board helped me by pointing out that I was making a choice to be where I was. Much as I wanted to believe that I was a victim and there was nothing I could do about it, seeing it in 'black and white' helped me to get out of that unhealthy place I was in and start making better choices for my life.

Living with someone you wish would die is a choice. Admitting that is the first step toward making a different choice.

L

blessed4x

LTD,
You are right, it's VERY disturbing. Until I found this forum I didn't know that there were other people out there living lives like mine, having the same thoughts. I appreciate you nudging us along to a place where we are not just stewing in self-pity, because God knows I've spent enough time there! I still think it's good to share stories and let off steam along the way....as long as it's a means to an end of the madness.

nowinsituation

And that's what I eventually realized, and what helped me find the strength and the courage to leave. I thought that would have been the easy way out; but I know it was wishful (and dangerous!) thinking.

theotherone

I personally appreciate the honesty of all of the people on this board and it is through that honesty that I realized I was not alone in my thinking and could be a candidate for recovery.

So, please do not hesitate for my sake to continue to share that honesty. I personally did not take this thread as serious as it was stated as fantasy.

Well stated blessed4x...Everyone needs to express themselves differently on their very different roads to recovery.

denny57

It disturbs me, too.

I don't see it as an alcoholic problem, I see it as an abuse problem. Two separate things.

I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That" to understand the abusive male.

LaTeeDa

I personally could not start recovering until I gave up the fantasies and started living in reality. When I found myself wishing my husband would die, it was a serious wake-up call that something had to change. I did not like the person I had become.

L

FormerDoormat

This thread disturbs me, too.

Indulging in so-called stinkin' thinkin' keeps addicts stuck in their addiction and prevents them from taking action to change their lives. The same can be said for their co-dependent partners.

I enjoy humor, but not at the expense of others.

theotherone

Again...I believe everyone has their own pace of recovery and I applaud everyone who posts on this board, especially those who are honest and take the chance of being criticized for their own feelings, whether healthy or not.

I encourage everyone to continue that honesty as I said it is an important tool in my own recovery.

Thanks to all of you who choose to share!

LaTeeDa

Absolutely! If I had not shared my unhealthy thoughts on this board and in my therapist's office, I would have had no idea they were unhealthy. And I did find myself taking it as criticism when it was pointed out to me that they were unhealthy. Now I realize that others (my therapist included) had only my best interests at heart and what felt like criticism to me was just someone trying to show me a different (better) way to live. I am very grateful to those who took the time to help me learn and grow.

L

theotherone

Again...big hugs to everyone who chooses to share! Don't be shy, I personally believe we're all in this together and by sharing we will all be better equipped to battle and maybe even overcome this horrible disease, whether it be addiction or codependance, you are all a part of my recovery and for that I thank you each and every post!

denny57

I certainly had to learn that "honest sharing" included those views I didn't agree with.

I don't see one criticism on this thread. I see a few people, myself included, saying it disturbs them. No one said "don't write it" or even, god forbid, "don't think it."

Today, when I react to something that wasn't said, I know I need to do some soul searching.