The Addict/Alcoholic Who Doesn't Work It
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The Addict/Alcoholic Who Doesn't Work It
I have been in recovery for 20 years and I understand that addiction is a disease. I also understand that there is a solution to addiction. The solution is outlined clearly in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the book is clear that in order to recover the addict/alcoholic must WORK, put in the effort, be willing to go to any length, and basically change everything.
It's tough medicine, but it's a solution that works.
I can understand the addict/alcoholic who doesn't know the solution and hasn't worked it and yet still keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over, but the chronic relapser knows better. He or she has seen that the solution does indeed work. I am struggling with how to make peace with chronic and perpetual relapse behavior. These people know what they need to do, but for some reason refuse to "take their medicine."
In the meantime they run havoc over people's lives. They stress our public assistance programs, our prisons, our treatment facilities. They steal from law-abiding tax-paying citizens; they manipulate the courts and families and promise they will never do it again. Many are on SSI, some sort of Medicaid; some just live off family members. Few are capable of sustaining any kind of employment. Many drink/drug and drive and have suspended licenses, no insurance, but won’t put the EFFORT and WORK into even using public transportation. Many fail to use inadequate family planning methods and have children who are abused and who stand a good chance of falling victim to this illness. These parents can't support themselves, let alone their children.
If they "worked it," they could get better. I find it unconscionable that they won't work it. Yes, the addict/alcoholic is out of control once he or she takes the first drink, hit, etc, and the Big Book states that the addict/alcoholic has no defense against this first drink. BUT, that defense is built by working the program of action. The action is the medicine, yet these people either stop taking their "medicine" after the course of treatment, or don't finish the program of action in order to get the spiritual experience. They make the choice to pick up. It’s a conscious choice, and it’s saying, “I won’t WORK. I won’t take my medicine.”
Are these the ones who, as the book says, "are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?" What do we do? Just let them run havoc? Rob and assault us and then feel sorry for them and say they have a “brain disease” and then throw more money into SSI, Medicaid, long-term residential treatment, et al? How many must these people harm until society says “no more?” I live in a community where these "unfortunates" seem to be more the rule than the exception, and I am tired of them.
Yes, I'm angry and I know for my recovery I need to quiet that anger, which this post is helping me do, and for my recovery I will work the program of action and work through this anger. I will do what I must do, put forth whatever WORK is necessary.
If only they would do the WORK.
It's tough medicine, but it's a solution that works.
I can understand the addict/alcoholic who doesn't know the solution and hasn't worked it and yet still keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over, but the chronic relapser knows better. He or she has seen that the solution does indeed work. I am struggling with how to make peace with chronic and perpetual relapse behavior. These people know what they need to do, but for some reason refuse to "take their medicine."
In the meantime they run havoc over people's lives. They stress our public assistance programs, our prisons, our treatment facilities. They steal from law-abiding tax-paying citizens; they manipulate the courts and families and promise they will never do it again. Many are on SSI, some sort of Medicaid; some just live off family members. Few are capable of sustaining any kind of employment. Many drink/drug and drive and have suspended licenses, no insurance, but won’t put the EFFORT and WORK into even using public transportation. Many fail to use inadequate family planning methods and have children who are abused and who stand a good chance of falling victim to this illness. These parents can't support themselves, let alone their children.
If they "worked it," they could get better. I find it unconscionable that they won't work it. Yes, the addict/alcoholic is out of control once he or she takes the first drink, hit, etc, and the Big Book states that the addict/alcoholic has no defense against this first drink. BUT, that defense is built by working the program of action. The action is the medicine, yet these people either stop taking their "medicine" after the course of treatment, or don't finish the program of action in order to get the spiritual experience. They make the choice to pick up. It’s a conscious choice, and it’s saying, “I won’t WORK. I won’t take my medicine.”
Are these the ones who, as the book says, "are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?" What do we do? Just let them run havoc? Rob and assault us and then feel sorry for them and say they have a “brain disease” and then throw more money into SSI, Medicaid, long-term residential treatment, et al? How many must these people harm until society says “no more?” I live in a community where these "unfortunates" seem to be more the rule than the exception, and I am tired of them.
Yes, I'm angry and I know for my recovery I need to quiet that anger, which this post is helping me do, and for my recovery I will work the program of action and work through this anger. I will do what I must do, put forth whatever WORK is necessary.
If only they would do the WORK.
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Well, sabercat, I can only answer from the codie perspective. I was discussing my AH's habitual relapses, and ultimate refusal, to maintain sobriety with a guy who has 15 years of recovery. He told me if my AH had one shred of honesty within himself, he would somehow, someway, get himself into a program. Mind you, that was only one A's perspective.
I am of the belief that my AH is one of those who are incapable of honesty. He lives in some sort off fantasy world inside his head. What goes on in his head, I don't even want to guess. I certainly have no desire to go there!
I guess it boils down to freedom of choice. Alcoholics have the God-given right to choose to drink themselves to death. Many chose to do so. With free will comes awesome responsibility. I know that many a drunk driver has taken innocent lives and walked away from the carnage with barely a scratch. When I lived in Maryland, there was a guy who had been put on probation numerous times for drunk driving. The courts were too lenient, in my opinion. Eventually, he killed a pregnant woman when he ran into her head on. He was driving on the wrong side of the road at excessive speed. He was driving without a license. I don't know if he finally did time or not. I hope so.
I am of the belief that my AH is one of those who are incapable of honesty. He lives in some sort off fantasy world inside his head. What goes on in his head, I don't even want to guess. I certainly have no desire to go there!
I guess it boils down to freedom of choice. Alcoholics have the God-given right to choose to drink themselves to death. Many chose to do so. With free will comes awesome responsibility. I know that many a drunk driver has taken innocent lives and walked away from the carnage with barely a scratch. When I lived in Maryland, there was a guy who had been put on probation numerous times for drunk driving. The courts were too lenient, in my opinion. Eventually, he killed a pregnant woman when he ran into her head on. He was driving on the wrong side of the road at excessive speed. He was driving without a license. I don't know if he finally did time or not. I hope so.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I have a EXAH who has been in and out of rehab for 18 years.
It is unexcusable to me that you have the tools and choose not to use them.
The rehabs he has been to were some of the best in the country.
He abandoned his family,leaving behind 2 incredible children.
He hides in these rehabs to avoid his responsibilties in life.
The progression of this disease is maddening.
It is unexcusable to me that you have the tools and choose not to use them.
The rehabs he has been to were some of the best in the country.
He abandoned his family,leaving behind 2 incredible children.
He hides in these rehabs to avoid his responsibilties in life.
The progression of this disease is maddening.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The Big Book also states:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
"When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God. For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it's the best thing that ever happened to me. This proves I don't know what's good for me. And if I don't know what's good for me, then I don't know what's good or bad for you or anyone. So I'm better off if I don't give advice, don't figure I know what's best, and just accept life on life's terms."
Pg. 417-418, 4th edition
My personal experience is when I begin to experience increasing frustration with others and what they are/are not doing, it's a strong indicator that I am not right with self, and I need to do a thorough inventory of self.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
"When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God. For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it's the best thing that ever happened to me. This proves I don't know what's good for me. And if I don't know what's good for me, then I don't know what's good or bad for you or anyone. So I'm better off if I don't give advice, don't figure I know what's best, and just accept life on life's terms."
Pg. 417-418, 4th edition
My personal experience is when I begin to experience increasing frustration with others and what they are/are not doing, it's a strong indicator that I am not right with self, and I need to do a thorough inventory of self.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
sabercat, if you have 20 years of recovery and you're around A's all the time, I'm guessing you're a sponsor. Knowing the rate of recovery worldwide, you know that it's slim. Perhaps it would help to remember the positive influences you've had in other's lives. I know my A has gleaned some wonderful words of wisdom from his sponsor and from other A's. And if he never had them, he'd be completely alone in his recovery. I doubt seriously he'd be recovering at all without their support.
From an ex-smoker's perspective, I can kinda relate. I've struggled with smoking for many years, like 25 years. For several years I was a fulltime smoker. But then I decided to quit. Occasionally, I'll see a friend or relative from out of state and smoke just one. Yeah right, and then when they leave I find myself smoking for another week. But I do stop. And it is NEVER easy. The part I find frustrating is when my smoking friends tell me they just don't know how I do it, how they could never quit, bla bla bla. Like it was or has been a cake walk for me? Absolutely not. I love to smoke. I'd love to smoke all the time!! But not having an addiction to tobacco is something I want, it's something I'm willing to sacrifice for. I wish my friends felt the same way. So I can't control their smoking, but it does irritate me when they say things about me finding it so easy to quit. I never did find it easy to quit. And there are still plenty of times when I'll be paying for gas and eyeing the smokes across the counter.
From an ex-smoker's perspective, I can kinda relate. I've struggled with smoking for many years, like 25 years. For several years I was a fulltime smoker. But then I decided to quit. Occasionally, I'll see a friend or relative from out of state and smoke just one. Yeah right, and then when they leave I find myself smoking for another week. But I do stop. And it is NEVER easy. The part I find frustrating is when my smoking friends tell me they just don't know how I do it, how they could never quit, bla bla bla. Like it was or has been a cake walk for me? Absolutely not. I love to smoke. I'd love to smoke all the time!! But not having an addiction to tobacco is something I want, it's something I'm willing to sacrifice for. I wish my friends felt the same way. So I can't control their smoking, but it does irritate me when they say things about me finding it so easy to quit. I never did find it easy to quit. And there are still plenty of times when I'll be paying for gas and eyeing the smokes across the counter.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
The 12-Step program is not a one size fits all. People who don't identify with 12-Step concept are far too often written off as being a lost cause and/or in denial. Maybe if those chronic relapsers were offered some choices they might have a better chance at recovery. From Carol D's sticky:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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sabercat:
you bring up some very interesting questions that I also struggle with.
If addiction cannot live in isolation then that means that the person(s) you have in mind are still being enabled. I think our society in general is an enabler of addicts in offering SSI disability, Medicaid, all kinds of public assistance, etc., without requiring abstinence from substances. I as a mom have stopped financially supporting my addict son, but I know that if he wanted to he could probably go to the government and be fully supported. He has been driving on a suspended license for a couple of years, now has a warrant for the same, has no insurance, and his plates are outdated enough so that they are a totally different color set than are now on our state's cars (in other words, a policeman could tell just by looking at those plates that they are expired). But when he gets stopped he just gets another ticket. Multiply my son's situation by millions in this country, and yes I'm pretty damn frustrated that my hard-earned money is supporting this madness.
One thing i do have to ponder on though is that this kind of thing has been going on in societies since civilization began - addiction is nothing new and neither is enabling it whether by family members or by society in general. But our Higher Power is and has always been the answer to the dilemma. And i guess i have to leave the discussion there.
But I do agree with your assessment of the situation. Thank you President Lyndon Johnson for all your social programs in the 1960s - here we are today, and the problem is still here...
you bring up some very interesting questions that I also struggle with.
If addiction cannot live in isolation then that means that the person(s) you have in mind are still being enabled. I think our society in general is an enabler of addicts in offering SSI disability, Medicaid, all kinds of public assistance, etc., without requiring abstinence from substances. I as a mom have stopped financially supporting my addict son, but I know that if he wanted to he could probably go to the government and be fully supported. He has been driving on a suspended license for a couple of years, now has a warrant for the same, has no insurance, and his plates are outdated enough so that they are a totally different color set than are now on our state's cars (in other words, a policeman could tell just by looking at those plates that they are expired). But when he gets stopped he just gets another ticket. Multiply my son's situation by millions in this country, and yes I'm pretty damn frustrated that my hard-earned money is supporting this madness.
One thing i do have to ponder on though is that this kind of thing has been going on in societies since civilization began - addiction is nothing new and neither is enabling it whether by family members or by society in general. But our Higher Power is and has always been the answer to the dilemma. And i guess i have to leave the discussion there.
But I do agree with your assessment of the situation. Thank you President Lyndon Johnson for all your social programs in the 1960s - here we are today, and the problem is still here...
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Part of my recovery from codependence is learning to respect other people's choices. Whether I agree with them or not. It is arrogant of me to assume that I know what is "right" for another adult human being. I can only choose what is right for me. Passing judgement on other's choices leads me in an unhealthy direction.
My two cents,
L
My two cents,
L
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ohio
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Wow, thanks to all the thoughtful responses. I'm working through this and being able to vent really helps. It also helps to know that others struggle as well. My judgmental tone stems from the fact I feel like a doormat. I am just as mad at myself for trusting a drug addict who was supposedly in recovery to watch my house and take care of my pets. You know the rest—theft, chaos, and so forth. I was “nice” and gave him an opportunity to seek treatment instead of immediately calling the police; now the police are saying that I called in the crime too late after the fact.
Freedom1990, thank you for the quote from the story in the Big Book. This story talks about this one man's experience, but many in the program take this as gospel, but like a good rebel, I just don't. That said, though, I still believe there is much wisdom and comfort in these words. I also like the serenity prayer, which says to accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and to grant me wisdom to know the difference. I believe that our HP's work through people, through us, and that we can be agents of change and reform. I can accept, but acceptance does not mean inaction.
LaTeeDa, I agree with you that we have to respect other people's choices, but respect to me does not mean enabling or condoning, especially when a person's choice involves criminal behavior. If a person chooses an activity like using illegal drugs, drinking and driving, and that behavior leads to even more criminal behavior such as theft, child abuse, et al, than that person must have consequences. The addict/alcoholic's guilt and shame are one consequence, but to me, not adequate. A mumbled, "I'm sorry, I feel bad," isn't enough amends. In my opinion, my HP gave us the power of reason to fashion laws, in order to do HP's will. I do no agree that it does the addict/alcoholic any good to enable and more and more I have come to believe that our society enables entirely too much.
I have always been pretty liberal minded--politically and socially--but after living in the community I live in, and seeing how the system works, I am all for much tougher stances against people who commit drug and alcohol related crimes. I feel like I enabled this house sitter by not calling the police.
And thank you--doorknob, the A "gods" might strike me down, but I agree, the 'A's are not a one size fits all program.
I see too much of this in meetings; addict/alcoholic relapses for the fifth, sixth, twentieth time, and everyone in the meeting says “oh, you poor thing. Keep coming back.” I no longer want to pat them on the back and tell them how sorry we are for them. I am sorry for them, but their destructive behavior towards others has to end sometime. And yes, I'm sure that alcohol and drug addiction have been problems in society for thousands of years, but our society is so much larger, so much more population, and I cannot help but think that the problem is more prevalent. If they won't help themselves, then something has to be done to stop their criminal behavior.
Freedom1990, thank you for the quote from the story in the Big Book. This story talks about this one man's experience, but many in the program take this as gospel, but like a good rebel, I just don't. That said, though, I still believe there is much wisdom and comfort in these words. I also like the serenity prayer, which says to accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and to grant me wisdom to know the difference. I believe that our HP's work through people, through us, and that we can be agents of change and reform. I can accept, but acceptance does not mean inaction.
LaTeeDa, I agree with you that we have to respect other people's choices, but respect to me does not mean enabling or condoning, especially when a person's choice involves criminal behavior. If a person chooses an activity like using illegal drugs, drinking and driving, and that behavior leads to even more criminal behavior such as theft, child abuse, et al, than that person must have consequences. The addict/alcoholic's guilt and shame are one consequence, but to me, not adequate. A mumbled, "I'm sorry, I feel bad," isn't enough amends. In my opinion, my HP gave us the power of reason to fashion laws, in order to do HP's will. I do no agree that it does the addict/alcoholic any good to enable and more and more I have come to believe that our society enables entirely too much.
I have always been pretty liberal minded--politically and socially--but after living in the community I live in, and seeing how the system works, I am all for much tougher stances against people who commit drug and alcohol related crimes. I feel like I enabled this house sitter by not calling the police.
And thank you--doorknob, the A "gods" might strike me down, but I agree, the 'A's are not a one size fits all program.
I see too much of this in meetings; addict/alcoholic relapses for the fifth, sixth, twentieth time, and everyone in the meeting says “oh, you poor thing. Keep coming back.” I no longer want to pat them on the back and tell them how sorry we are for them. I am sorry for them, but their destructive behavior towards others has to end sometime. And yes, I'm sure that alcohol and drug addiction have been problems in society for thousands of years, but our society is so much larger, so much more population, and I cannot help but think that the problem is more prevalent. If they won't help themselves, then something has to be done to stop their criminal behavior.
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Originally Posted by sabercat2888 
LaTeeDa, I agree with you that we have to respect other people's choices, but respect to me does not mean enabling or condoning, especially when a person's choice involves criminal behavior.
L
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
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I'm a AA'er and an Al Anon'er and the easiest way I can think to word my response is in 2 questions:
Do you work your own program of recovery perfectly every day?
And because no one is perfect, what causes you to lapse?
That's the answers to your questions.
Alcoholics, addicts, co dependents - whatever.
At the end of the day we're all imperfect humans.
Do you work your own program of recovery perfectly every day?
And because no one is perfect, what causes you to lapse?
That's the answers to your questions.
Alcoholics, addicts, co dependents - whatever.
At the end of the day we're all imperfect humans.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Originally Posted by sabercat2888
I have always been pretty liberal minded--politically and socially--but after living in the community I live in, and seeing how the system works, I am all for much tougher stances against people who commit drug and alcohol related crimes. I feel like I enabled this house sitter by not calling the police.
Please don't think that just because some of us might be "liberal-minded" politically, that we condone the coddling of drug abusers and criminals.
For example, I'm afraid that calling the police would've been the first thing I'd have done, regardless of who it was or what their circumstances were. This "liberal-minded" person believes that people need to abide by the rule of law, regardless of what substance they're choosing to use. I draw the line at providing easily-accessible facilities where people can get help if/when they need it, and so does everyone else in my peer group. I also think that alcohol-related traffic murders (because that's how I see it) should carry a mandatory manslaughter charge and a minimum sentence. We keep petty thieves locked up so they can't steal again, but we let alcoholics out on the streets again to kill people with their cars?
Just one more perspective, not being judgmental of you, just "the system". I understand why you did what you did, and I'm so sorry it turned out like this for you.
Hugs,
GL
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