juju

I’m in a place where I feel that I have to give this one last shot. I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and have really started to identify a lot of my own issues. I feel like I couldn’t walk away from this without having approached things with my new perspective and my new awareness of my responsibilities for the state of our marriage. Yes, alcohol was a huge contributing factor to the deterioration, but I need to stop blaming that for everything that is wrong with our marriage. I need to conduct myself in the way I want to be treated, without having to blame, redirect, or validate. I owe it to him, but even more so, I owe it to myself. If this should end, I have to know I did everything I could, and have no regrets.

I am afraid to trust other people with my emotions. I am uncomfortable with being affectionate. I was raised in a home where there was not a lot of love/affection shown. Everyone was just cold, and on their own agenda. It was just a house full of people who were like roommates. I never really thought about it before, but the more I do think about it, I realize I have displayed those traits, and they are not conducive to a healthy, loving relationship with anybody. I will be the first to say that a persons childhood sets the stage for the type of adult they become. But, I never acknowledged the effect *my* childhood had on me.

I take everything as an insult; any kindness I am suspicious of. I’m always looking for the ulterior motive. I need to break that cycle, regardless of what anyone else is doing. Let it begin with me. I need to trust.

It really helps to get this all out there. I don’t know why, but it does. I’ve asked myself what my ideal situation would be. What I would like to see happen. And I realize that I have to change my attitudes if I want to achieve that.

Well, thanks for listening. It's quite a ramble! I would love to hear your opinions/input/experience. I’m taking a weekend retreat, and plan to do a lot of thinking and analyzing of myself. I really appreciate all the food for thought that is shared on this site.

juju

Barbara52

It sounds like you are proceeding with thought and care for yourself as well as wanting to do what you can for your marriage. Sounds like a wonderful way to proceed to me. {hugs}

Freedom1990

I agree with Barbara!

Looking at myself and what I could change in me was the hardest thing I ever did.

Rella927

It sounds like you know where you want to go and with a healthy thought/plan in place! Strive for what you want and never forget yourself!

Growing up without love/affection myself it is amazing when we start to recover how
none of that really matters anymore-what matters is TODAY!