Barbara52

Right or wrong, he has been honest with you then. Respect what he has to say just as you want him to respect what you have to say. He has laid out what he want. You have laid out what you want. They don't seem to match at all well. So you get to decide if you want to continue accepting less than you want (and deserve) or move on.

Barbara52

Another possible source of free counseling is some of the larger churches. I know that the Presbyterian and Catholic churches have counseling services using licensed therapists in many areas.

denny57

Sounds like plenty 'o drama going on.

I had to learn that yes, I could help it - it's hard work. I've heard it said I'll always love my A. I'm not one of them. It was hard work - but once I realized I had a very unhealthy idea of what love was, it wasn't possible to say I was in love with xAH. Any "love" I feel is in the broad sense of loving any child of god.

miss communicat

Whaaaat!!??

That, right there, says everything.

He is a spoiled, arrogant, disrespectful, incapable of intimate honesty, weasel...don't let me go on.

Any time a man demands that our relationship be all on his terms, I say no! I say no because, as you pointed out earlier, to accept this is self torture.
Its time to move on and don't look back.

Don't commit your heart to any one for whom you are just an option. (quoting someone wise here at SR, but I forget who it was..)

splendra

If he doesn't want drama what is he doing getting back involved with you again...

What he is saying is he trying to work stuff out with the other woman and still have you on the hook if things don't work out...Believe me you don't need this you are getting ready to do the same drama again with him please believe me....

miss communicat

an active alcoholic says he doesn't want any complications or drama....what a laugh.

"trying to stay sober" equals "I want my cake and to eat it, too."
or
"I want to control my drinking because I don't really want to totally quit, like for forever."
and
"I want to be in control of everything, and have all things on my terms"

Saying "I don't want to be "with" anyone...means..JUST THAT. He does not want to be WITH a woman in a committed way.

sketscher

well we had a big conversation.

His main point. He will not compromise his time with his children for me.
That until she dates someone else he is not off the hook and free to date.
But many other things he said gave me indications that there is no reason for me to ever think this will change. Or that he wants ever wants it to change. He also pointed out that I wasn't happy with my last boyfriend either! so....what...am I just supposed to settle for whatever his terms are because happiness is not an option for me!?

Well you all know the deal. You had it pegged.
I'm trying to extract myself from a warped situation.
I do not want to compromise myself either!


thank you all for the tough love.

Barbara52

LOL What a pile of poop. Are they really divorced?

Good for you for seeing his excuses as red flags.

mamaplus2kids

It's pretty obvious that he wants it all: a wife, child, and a part-time girlfriend. Is that what you want, to be a part-time girlfriend? Sorry to sound so harsh. I've experienced this at least four times in my life and it sucks big time. One thing to remember is: you deserve better. You are worth so much more.

Perhaps, learning to be alone and loving yourself might be a good start. Instead of putting so much energy into controlling and trying to change a relationship that is not meant to be, use this energy to change yourself. What could you do to create peace and harmony in your life? Could you work on your home? Your health? Your friendships? Do you have time to enjoy life on your own?

Once you learn to love yourself, things will magically happen for you! As a happy, well-balanced person, you will attract other happy, well-balanced people who will be lining up to treat you well and love you in public!

mamaplus2kids

Something just occurred to me... would you have the courage to keep him as a friend (at a distance) and set strict boundaries with him? Like let's say: you don't have time for him because you genuinely have a lot of good stuff happening in your life. Recently, I found that as soon as I detached a bit, I started liking the time to do all the things I was procrastinating about and to focus on other stuff. Ironically, my BF started wanting to be with me more, and strangely, I just don't have the time... honest! It's nice to be in control of my life!

sketscher

mama+2, I tried the friends at a distance thing for a time, but it quickly progressed into hanging out often because i do enjoy his company and he began this huge project on my house.

Lately, until now of course, he's been calling 3 to 5 times (probably because he's drinking often again I suspect and...getting needy again) a night when he has his kids. He keeps me on the phone while he deals with potty training and cooking dinner. I don't seem to ever to say "well I have to go for now, I'm right in the middle of something" because I put my needs second or not at all. I kind of feel like he's trying the best he can to involve me in his life as a father without actually "breaking" his rules.

I could go on and on. But the facts are that all he can offer me is a sorta part-time blurry-lined friendship, still spends a good deal of time with his ex, and is drinking again.

I'm thinking that is enough to say goodbye.

I'll have to find some other way to finish my house.

miss communicat

bravo!!!

mamaplus2kids

That is exactly my issue right now. He gets needy and wants to come over and help me (even though I don't need the help). I get so flattered that he wants to help me that I have a hard time saying no. I've started not answering the phone every time it rings... or leaving my cell phone somewhere in the house where I can't hear it.

That you are ready to move on is great. I send you a lot of strength!

sketscher

hey mama!

wow I feel the same way. I am flattered that he calls and wants to help etc. But I also get the feeling like he's keeping tabs on me. In one way it's flattering and but in another it's not exactly letting me be "just a friend". It does feel like I'm being strung along. He won't be my boyfriend again, right now, but he doesn't want me to be free to meet anyone else either.

This is actually pretty much how things were when he did consider me his girlfriend, except back then we were intimate, he was committed to drinking and his wife knew about us. It feels like we're heading right back to that place, as he slides back into drinking and I am sure eventually his ex wife would figure out I'm around. he often slips and calls me by her name (GRRRR) so what does he think will happen when he does the same thing to her! And as the drinking increases, his demands increase as far as physical stuff. Right now it's back rubs and foot rubs for him (HA HA NOT ME!) eventually he'd ask for more and there are moments when I'd wonder if I'd be strong enough to say no.

i could go on and on and on.

the more I write the more I can see how dumb I've been these last few weeks.

denny57

I was the queen of rationalization - "dumb" had nothing to do with it. Whatever my reasons, I wanted the unhealthy relationship to continue so I refused (subconsciously) to acknowledge the truth.

I try every day - and work hard at it - to live a life based in honesty; most of all with myself. I refuse to demean myself with derogatory labels.

((()))

mamaplus2kids

Sketcher... he once called me his AXGF's name in a moment of passion. I'm not 100% I actually heard it... and he denies saying it. Ever since then, I've been suspicious that he might still be seeing her on the sly... When he and I started dating, he was officially broken up with her (for at least eight months), but he couldn't get her to move out. So, they were still living together, but not talking to each other. In the beginning, he told me how psycho she was. But, once he and I were an item, he stopped talking about her all together.

Oh no! I'm noticing that this kind of thinking gets me nowhere.

sketscher

denny,

yes I agree, I am always trying to rationalize when in the back of my mind I know the truth. And as soon as I wrote the "dumb" comment I realized that that was wrong. It's an excuse. It's not the truth. Labels like that do nothing to improve my esteem or the situation.

mama,

xabf never said her name to me in passion. Only when he was a irritated with me. I am not sure, sometimes it seemed it could have been intentional. Manipulative! He is a very quick thinker after all.

-----

right now I'd normally be on the phone with him. wow it's been 24 hours since he told me of his camping plan.

Good news for me is that I am going to a weight watchers meeting in a few minutes with my mom. Something I just re-started and feel very good about. I feel understood there. And feel like I'm moving forward there.

FormerDoormat

As a codependent, trying to have just a friendship with Richard was as harmful to me as Richard trying to have only one drink. I was as addicted to him as he was to alcohol. I'm afraid when it comes to my drug of choice (the alcoholic), the only way to keep my side of the street clean was complete abstinence.

I found I couldn't get healthy as long as I continued to interact with him.