lizw

I have thought about this thread for the last 24 hours because it has really struck a cord with me.

I like what has been posted regarding 'being responsible for ourselves'. Mowing our own lawns, so to speak.

It is rather ironic, as I got up this morning opened my laptop and there is something wrong with the screen! So I will have to ring my insurance company and sort it out.

A year ago doing this for me would have been a major feat. I would have expected an arguement with them and planned my repsonse in my head in advance.

Taking responsiblity for my own life entirely, including my emotional needs and acting as such has been a hard thing for me to learn, but learn it I have - it is ongoing. The behaviour I had modeled to me as a child was - it is always the others persons fault if something doesn't work out because they are suppose to be the great 'fixer'. Just like I was. I fix you and you fix me. I looked after your needs and you looked after mine. All my relationships have been this way because I have choosen partners with the same kinds of 'ideas'.

I have heard it being described as 'a child calling to another child'.

I am of the understanding that I will be recoverying from this stuff for the rest of my life. And that I am more likely to act on it when I am Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (HALT).

Like someone else posted I am grateful to not be in a sick, crazy relationship today but rather treating myself like I am valuable and loveable. Besides God, I'm the best friend I have.

:ghug3

gns

Hi anubus,

I just wanted to add that even though I was as resentful and disbelieving that I am supposed to meet my own needs and make myself happy as you seem to be, as I am accepting that, it feels empowering and satisfying and really deeply fulfilling.

I can't tell you the number of times I used the term soul mate etc. Funny that very few people in a good relationship actually use that term, or believe that one person is their soul mate (read- responsible for meeting my emotional needs and making me happy).

NYC_Chick

You speak a lot about how God has brought this person to you. Well, I also believe everything happens for a reason, but when it comes to unhealthy people in my life, I believe God placed them in front of me to teach me something. I also believe I will keep getting that lesson until I understand it.

God gives us all free will. I don't think God put me on this earth to deal with anyone's abuse. So, I used the free will God gave me and left. I don't think God thinks I'm a bad person. I think he is happy that I found a way to love myself as much as he loves me. The best way to love myself is to not allow myself to be in unhealthy relationships.

scorpiogirl

Oh how I have been where you are. Not much fun, is it? Him, him, him, HIM! Like a vicious cycle in my head. "If only he would"....."If only I didn't"...."If only, if only, if only".....

Sigh.

I can't tell you have many times I've done it to myself, always making excuses for him or trying to be the ever-dying understanding mate. The truth is, it's not about him; it's about the choices I made in my life. Why did I invite people with addictions or liars or someone that didn't listen or, or, or.

That was for me to find out. Why did "I" do these things. The list was endless. The healing had to start with me. Let's see, I could feel 'better-than' if he 'was less-than'. (ugh!) I could fix somebody else so I didn't have to focus on me. I liked the drama (no way! - yes way). I felt I didn't deserve any better? It was a miriad of reasons all starting with me. Yes, he's a drug. Yes, there is co-dependency in there.

I think I read every imaginable book to help myself. "Foolish Women, Foolish Choices", "Why do I think I'm nothing without a man", "Addicted to a person" and more. All the while, still focusing on him.

The bottom line is, get some help for yourself. Even if this man got sober, you have a helleva ride!

I wish you all the best.

:codiepolice

scorpiogirl

Hello Anabus,

It's your life, how do you want to live it? This isn't a dress rehearsal.

I've read alot of the replies to you and then yours back. I don't think you're done. Why? Cause all your writings are still about him, him, him (present hsb and ex-hsb included), not what you're going to do to make a decision and/or take care of yourself. Like one person wrote/asked of you, "are you going to put your life on hold until he comes back"? Sounds like if he does come back, it's not a pretty picture anyway. Why do you want to live like that? Is this what you feel you deserve?

Step into your life and live your life. A good friend of mine said to me when I was going through this kind of stuff, she said, "what would I tell a friend of mine that was going through it?" Of course, if I saw another girlfriend living like this, I wouldn't want her doing that to herself. Hence, why are you settling for it yourself?

At one point, I did the little dumb thing about making two lists. Pros and Cons. Of course the Cons were larger and I chose to stay (at that point). When I finally 'got it', I was really saying that's all I thought I deserved and didn't know how to live my life so, I focused on someone else's faults - not living; just existing. I finally ended it and am so very, very happy. That was years ago. Have found out who I am, what I like, I laugh alot now and much more.

I wish you well and hope you can settle that brain of yours down and look at reality. Are you in therapy?

ScorpioGirl