miss communicat

Here is the story, only 4 weeks old:

Originally Posted by anubus
I am TOTALLY lost on what to do or not do for this guy!! The situation (short version) is: He's been living with me for 1-1/2 years now. He's 52 years old. He has a warrant out on him from 2004 for not showing up for a DUI hearing,
He has no job, no car.......the man simply has NOTHING except a few tools. We were engaged, but now I'm not sure what we are. He lies compulsively, and blames everyone else for his problems. We don't even have a sex life anymore, he claims he can't "function".
He has health issues that need attention, but because of this warrant he cannot even get any medical or other assistance. I got him into a free screening, so we know there ARE health issues. But the screening doesn't include treatment.

I've tried throwing him out several times, but honestly he has NOWHERE to go. He ends up sleeping either in my breezeway, or when I insist he leaves the property, he sleeps in the woods or something.

He does some things around my house, like keeps my 1 acre yard cut, washes clothes & cleans some (I work 2 jobs) which do help me out, but honestly I want more.

Plus I know things will only get worse,

Yesterday I lent him my car to go look for a job. He can even use the car until he gets on his feet because my boss is a minister (fantastic man who loves helping people) and lent me an extra car he has. HOW MUCH MORE CAN GOD BLESS A PERSON????? WELL........he comes home drunk (driving MY car......urgh!!) with this story about meeting a potential boss at a bar for an interview (he's a contractor). I listened to this crazy story for an hour, then confronted him on it. I told him I knew it was BS, and that how dare he insult my intellegence like that. And how stupid could he be, drinking & driving AGAIN......no license & a warrant out for his arrest for a DUI.......URGH.

Before this I even got him a job, at a car auction cleaning cars. The boss lives nearby, and even offered to drive him to/from work until he got on his feet. Instead of being greatful & taking the job, he disappeared for 3 days. I got mad & threw his stuff out in my driveway, and said it was OVER.

He threatened my job, my property, etc......then when he came to "pick up his stuff", he weaseled his way back in saying he had no place to go.

Crazy as it is, I DO love this guy and would LOVE to see him straighten out his life. But obviously nothing anyone is doing is working.


Just a quiick reality check: how have you changed? How has he changed? What is different now?

anubus

Thanks miss communicat,
I hear yeah loud & clear!! I often think, gosh God, I';m SO ashamed of myself! But for whatever reason, God answers back through my own prayers, or others telling me so....that He thinks I am SO SWEET.
I'm definately NOT your normal type gal in terms of prayer/God.......but for whatever reason, He keeps blessing me, and letting me know I am special.
I never said I was perfect, or right.......I just KNOW that I am a CHILD OF GOD, as well as the A's in our life are!!

lizw

I tell ya, I understand and relate to everything you've said and the only thing which has sprung to my mind is this question:

Have you ever though to review what your idea of 'love' actually is?

You see, this has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you.

anubus

AGAIN.........thank you for the reality check. HONESTLY.......nothing has changed except ME.

The car that "we" (minister & I) thought was "his answer" sits in my garage, actually with a flat tire right now. I've truely been asking God, WHY did this seem SO RIGHT at the time (the extra car thing)?

The only thing that has changed is ME, learning about this A desease, and in AlonOn HOW to cope.So, is God tryig to tell ME how to adjust? I honestly can't answer that.

All I know is that all this is happening for a REASON. It wasn't by accidant. And re-reading my previous post (that you posted, thank you) validates the feeling in me that I should have "not reacted" so much when he drove my car drunk. I should have instead, set boudaries. Stating that if he ever drove my car drunk ...etc. Again, it would be the last time. But I didn't........instead I spazzed on him, even saying "What is wrong with you?? Were you TRYING TO GET CAUGHT???" I treated him like a child. Again, listenign to others.......my minister boss said I should tell him how ashamed I was of him.....treat him like he was a child. So my exact words when he drove my car while drinking was "I am very disappointed in your behavior", and treated him like a child. Now i just feel was WRONG way to handle the situation. But hindsight is 20/20.

I feel so niave!!!!!

lizw

I understand what your saying.

I will try and word what I suggested differently.

Our A's are addicted to alcohol and drugs and we are addicted to our A's.
So how does our own illness/addiction show itself?
We do or say anything we can to keep that person in our lives.

Just like our A's do anything to keep on using or drinking.

Love is gentle, kind and soft.

I'm not saying you never loved your A, what I am saying it is likely everything your head tells you about your A (right now) is rubbish. Because at the end of each thought, plan or whatever is the end result: you back together with the A.

Freedom1990

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt for five loooooooong years that literally almost killed me.

He beat me, he cheated on me over and over (before and after we were married), he'd disappear for days on end, he'd tell me no one else would want me.

When I look back on those days, I have a profound sense of sadness for the woman that I was then, a shell of a human being, begging for crumbs from the addict.

I was broken in mind, body, and spirit.

Some days it seems like a lifetime ago, and then I read a post like yours and it takes me back to like it was yesterday.

I've seen women who pass the point of no return.

This disease kills, and you don't even have to be the alcoholic.

Loved ones commit suicide. Loved ones are beaten to death. Loved ones slip away into the insanity so far that they will never be a whole person again.

We have one in town here whose alcoholic husband has beaten her so badly she now has seizures.

She walks all hunched over, head down, and even though she will look up and smile at you when you say hello, the pain in her eyes says it all.

It literally makes my heart hurt when I see her.

She couldn't take the torment of him being gone either.

Maybe that's you too at some point down the road?

I hope not.

All of us here can only share our experience, strength, and hope with you.

If you don't want to get off of the crazy ride, fasten your seatbelt.

It's going to get worse. I can promise you that.

mizztake33

Don't beat yourself up!!! I think we have all done this at one time or another.
Take care of you - start learning to detach with love. This is HARD to do, and it takes practice, practice, PRACTICE. Stay strong - you are OK..... :ghug2

LaTeeDa

See, that's just it. If you sit around waiting, you only get what you have always got. It's not a passive thing. It's all about action. It's about changing things up. It's about getting to know yourself, I mean really know yourself deep down inside. It's about doing the things that make your heart sing. If you can't find that part inside you that experiences joy in simply being alive, you will continue to look for it outside yourself. Some try to find it in a substance, some try to find it in another person, but the only place you can find it is inside you.

Reading your post makes me sad, too. Because I know how futile it is to look for happiness in another person. I, too, think that we are in a transitional period on this earth. I prefer a less gloomy outlook than "end of days," but I totally relate to the shift that is happening. My belief is that the shift is inside. That people who choose to are getting more in touch with their souls. We are all "soulmates." There is no one special person who can bring you fulfillment.

But, you must do what you feel you must, so carry on..............

L

P.S. I am 45 and I do not feel old at all. And I have found that what I deserve is much easier to get now that I am okay without it.

anubus

Okay......since you all say deserve better & don't agree that I should take him back......just wondering what you THINK my solution is?? I'm 50 years old...time is ticking away for me. LIVE ALONE???????? Urgh. I may as well DIE. I had such a severe panic attack last night, ALONE......thinking I was having a heart attack, but afraid to go to the ER because the last 2 times, $600 each.....only proved an anxiety attack..........Okay, I am NOT suicidal.........BUT........living ALONE is not an option for me. In fact ....IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! I look at things this way.........XH, the sober adult child HAS went on, remarried, owns a Corvette, a Harley, new Mustang, 2 (old) houses, and A WIFE.

Me.......I am STILL ALONE in life..........I own a 1994 Cadillac with 140,000 miles. Afraid ro drive it out of town, it loooks good but might not MAKE it out of town. Barely keep my house. And SO freaking lonely, I barely can exisit one day at a time. I listen to church sermons talking about how sacred MARRIAGE is to God, and just want to CRY my heart out. Meanwhile my grass grows each day, and my lawn tractor haS one mechanical problem after another, The ABF was able to HANDLE those mechanical problems.

SO.............I am supposed to find JOY in this single life withOUT a soulmate, just to say I did a "good thing" by throwing my ABF out???????????? Are any of you going to offer to CUT MY GRASS.........or HOLDME AT NIGHT???????? Hmm.......hardly......and honestly, most of you are women and therefore not able to provide me with what I need anyway.
Dang, *********I ********* don't mean to sound harsh here, but maybe we all need to wake up and smell the coffee ourselves..........maybe God doesn't always provide roses, and we have to accept some thorns with out lovers in life.......IF we chose to HAVE them in our lives. As mentioned, some can do alone in life, others can NOT. We are each different in our calling..........so, that said, AGAIN I ask that you all pray for my situation, however "right" you may feel it is.

LaTeeDa

Yes, yes, yes! That is your mission, your purpose, your life. Mine, too. Actually, it is the purpose of every single soul on this earth.

JMHO,

L

anubus

LaTeeDa
Sweetie........how do I say this KINDLY and WITH LOVE?????????
I LOVE yOU........I KNOW you have been through alot!!!!!! I truly appreciate your posts, as I know you are trying to help......but honestly......your posts are hitting me wrongly,.
But my situation is differnt than yours. You are 45 years old, and I think I remember readin that you found somebody on the internet, and things are working out good in your life. I am SO happy for you. But honestly..........when I was 45 years old, I walked 4 miles a day, worked out in a gym 3-4 days a week, went tanning 4 days a week. Life/age has truly made a big impact on me in my past 5 years. At 50, I can walk barely 1 block around the block, and have to limp ,back. At 45 I remember thinking "what's the big deal" but at 50 I am saying "wow, people are dying at my age".
I am truly saying this in a compassionate way, but please be considerate of who you are counseling. Not all of us at our age are going to find internet lovers past 40's.


I honestly say this with **love** but when I see your posts, I automatically think "oh, o......this is gonna be bad".

Please, people.........the posters on here need LOVE, not judgement or "harsh" advise.

We need

LaTeeDa

As I said before, carry on............

lizw

Why don't you try doing somethings for yourself so that you are comfortable on your own? You don't have to like it but there are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable.

I was going to do a big rant about my life but instead I'll say I have probably had the toughest time in my life over the last year and because of that, I have found my soul mate. And it is ME.

I also think there is a difference between 'being harsh' and 'the truth'
Sure, the truth may set you free, but first it will p**s you off.

Bernadette

Hey Anubus--
This is certainly a lively thread!!
Can you get to a weekly AlAnon meeting? Or some one on one therapy? All that will help you either way whether he comes back into your life or not.

All the advice on here to focus on yourself, and be your own soul mate is still valid even if he returns. I mean, you know how hard it is to live with an active alcoholic, right? I've watched my Abrothers bring some really terrific women to their knees dealing with this alcoholism crap...so be prepared and keep the focus on YOU. Keep working on your own problems and towards your own goals. It is a way to maintain some sanity during the rough times that come with loving an alcoholic.

And be careful with your heart!!
Peace,
B.

windingroad

hi anubus, i'm new here but have been in recovery a long time from the pain of relationship with addicts.

i think it's great how HONEST you are and how you are not trying to look good to gain everyone's "you go girl".

if you need the love and support of a partner in your life to feel happy and complete, there is nothing wrong with you! most cultures and religions in this world would say your feelings and convictions are normal.

addictive disease gets worse over time and that is the worry whenever someone thinks a relationship with an addict might hold over the long haul. as the addict becomes sicker, life gets very hard, very traumatic. and it is true that the spouse can sicken and die before the addict, from the trauma, if she is not in recovery and getting help continually.

your destiny may well be to live with this man the rest of your life. your life lessons may well be with him.

but you will be contributing to his fatal disease if you do not set abstinence and recovery as a requirement for relationship. the disease will be very happy if you commit to him without that requirement.

so if he comes back, and you love him, fight for his life the right way. don't accomodate his illness. the way you not accomodate it is to reverse pretty much everything you've always done. really.

stay as beautifully honest as you are right now! you will be guided along. keep praying.

prodigal

I'm sorry you feel that you are not being spoken to with love. I have read through this entire thread, and I'm not seeing where anybody is being harsh with you. I see people sharing their experience, strength, and hope. I see people telling you that they have been through similar experiences. There may be disagreement, or differences of opinion, but "harsh"?

I see no name-calling, put-downs, or insults. Perhaps the love you wish to receive from the responses IS love; just not your own definition of it. We are to speak the truth in love. I believe that means we can speak our truth with a sense of confidence in what we believe and a sense of peace. I see no harshness here.

Just my opinion ...

Barbara52

I am 53 and much better off on my own rather in a dead lonely marriage. That relationship was stiffling my soul. Will I ever have another man in my life? Who knows. I don't intend to even look until I finish looking inside myself to see why I was willing to settle for a less than loving, adult relationship.

It is of course your choice to want to bring you ABF back into your life. I think what folks are saying to you is do it with your eyes wide open, with awareness of what this can mean. People can and do stay with their A. Some do manage to have a satifisfactory life. But its hard work. Those I see who do it seem to have the addition of knowledge of themselves and a deep acceptance of reality.

miss communicat

well put.

the wisdom of the ages tells us that

1. we cannot love another until we can love ourselves
lizw raised a good question anubus; about "love". Is this love or is it addiction? Do you love yourself enough to care well for yourself right now? Are your actions today coming from true self love and regard or are they based in attachment or addiction,the desire to feel immediate instant "peace of mind" (through the attention and acceptance of a man in your life)?


2. we bring to our primary relationship all of our unresolved needs, fantasies and issues and re-enact them with the SO
What are your needs? Have you identified them? What are your own issues? Have you identified them and how they manifest in relationships? What are unrealistic ideas?

3. all behaviours are either an act of love or a call for love
Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles teaches this idea, but it is not new.

4. there are two true emotions: fear and love
FEAR: many other experienced emotions parade around such as anger, frustration, disgust, irritability, restlessness, discontent, sadness, or grief, when at their root is fear.

And, fears are related to fear of either losing what we already have, or not getting what we think we deserve. Have you thought about what you are so afraid of, considering your faith in God? Is not God perfect? Will not God provide for you exactly what and whom you need in order to grow?

If its not that, its love. Love walks around as joy, happiness, peace, calm, contentment and generosity to oneself.
thanks for this thread.it sure IS lively!

aspiring

Perhaps if you began with what you CAN do for yourself it would help. You say you need your lawn mowed, maybe you could inquire with your church/minister for help with that at no charge. You say you like to watch movies, invite a friend over and do that. You like to play cards, ask a friend or might be a good time to get a group of friends together to do just that. Your XBF is not the only person in the whole wide world who does these activities.
You say you miss being held in his arms at night. Are these the same arms that you say you fear destroying your property ???
Others on here are correct we will only get what WE think we deserve, nothing more. If you feel you deserve to live in fear and chaos, have at it, no one but you can change that.
I joined this board to challenge my unhealthy way of thinking and living, to seek a more serene life. I could always answer within my own mind justifications for my actions just as the A did. Truly listening to others experience and wisdom was not always easy but if my way of thinking was so good, why did I hurt so bad.

Life will have thorns as you say , but I can determine the degree of 'pricks' I tolerate.

Freedom1990

I am 50 years old. I have stayed out of any relationships by choice for the last 9 years now.

I have degenerative disc disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, clinical depression, and migraines.

I mow my own lawn. I glazed several window panes recently so the landlord can paint the house.

I've replace the tank kit on my toilet bowl several times.

I replaced the screens on my storm windows. I set a goal of completing two screens per day because of my back.

If I don't know how to do something, I research on the internet till I find out how.

My dogs cuddle with me at night.

The last relationship I had, I was looking for that proverbial white knight in shining armor. That one cost me my bank account, my self-worth, and my heart.

Happiness is an inside job, and despite my disabilities, I manage pretty well and have a sense of accomplishment.