marriedtoit

I am so proud of myself for being able to set boundaries and stick to them this time! It's really making a huge difference in my life!

Like so many others on this board, my A is a wonderful person -- when he is not drinking -- so in the past I have always (and I mean always) given in to his demands. I never wanted to see him hurt and always wanted to protect him. But what about me and our son? We were being hurt every single day. Who was protecting us? I have been with this man for 25 years and decided enough was enough. I was going to fight for my sanity and decided it was time to set boundaries.

My husband went into an inpatient program last January and when he returned home I sat down and had a long talk with him. I told him there would be consequences if he chose to drink again. I would not allow him to use me as his doormat and that I wasn't making idle threats. Well lo and behold, he started to drink again over the 4th of July weekend. I didn't lose control. I didn't go crazy with rage. I spoke to him in a calm manner, told him he had crossed the boundaries we discussed and that I would be filing for a divorce by the end of the month. I also followed through on everything else I told him would happen if he went outside my boundaries. Guess what? He quit drinking, started going back to his meetings, and sought out counseling. And this time, he did it on his own. I didn't force him or pressure him to do it like I had in the past. Before my change in attitude he would have continued to drink because he knew I would allow it and just tolerate it. No more! He now knows that things are different and for the first time in 25 years I feel like I have some control over this relationship and it feels so good!

snoopy

That is wonderful!
I need to say it and stick with it. In the past I said I wouldn't go camping with him anymore because of the way he had acted. Guess what, I would end up going the next time. One time, I even said I didn't want beer in the house anymore. Guess what , it still is. So, just how do you do it? Good luck to you and your family. "Let go and let God" Snoopy

EmotionalMeg

Hi MarriedToIt,

I had to post because I KNOW how it feels... for some reason, we live our lives in a fog for so many years, wondering WHY we keep getting hurt. One day, a wise soul tells us to change what we are doing... stop reacting and start acting... setting boundaries for example. And it feels odd, but we do it; and we feel empowered! A whole new world opens up as we begin to discover just how much of ourselves has been buried underneath the "codependant fog". And somehow, though we may easily be drawn back to our codependant ways, we NEVER forget how good it feels to TAKE CARE of ourselves.

It was similar in my situation as the last time my H drank / used, I told him that he had to leave; he did. When I allowed him back, I explained to him that there is a boundary now. I WILL NOT live one more day with an active Alcoholic... if he chooses to drink, he has to leave. He too sought help on his own... he has been sober for almost 90 days.

I am so glad that you chose to take a leap of faith as well - to believe in yourself. Have you been to Alanon meetings? They really help

Take care
Meg

JT

I think this is so great and I am glad you are both doing so well!

Let me throw out a rotton tomato and remind others that boundaries are about us...not them. Almost always our change in attitude will spark change in the addict and alot of the time it is positive change. Often, however it is not. Keep in mind that this is OUR program and firm boundaries are to take care of our own serenity with no expectations about the addict. If positive comes out of it....awesome!!

Now let me return you to the thread in progress...wink wink..

Love you guys!!
JT

Gabe

I have heard people talk about boundries before, and sometimes they sound more like threats. I guess it depends on the way a boundry is set. And the attitude taken by the person creating the boundry. And there is no point to any of it if the person who sets the boundry doesn't follow through. If you say "If you drink again, I'm leaving", and you don't leave...guess who isn't going to believe you the next time you say it? I think it's been said on this board before that we need to be very sure that we are saying what we mean when we set boundries. And this is all very much for our own serenity and peace of mind. Setting boundries is no guarantee of positive behavior on the part of the addict. That being said, I will hush up now.
Peace,
Gabe

constant

marriedtoit! Setting boundaries and sticking to them is GREAT. I have say the tomato was great advice, we do have to be careful that those boundaries are about US.

Setting boundaries was tough and still is because backing them up is tough.....but they don't serve a purpose if you don't. I am glad that you have had a positive response.

It is a great feeling isn't it.......to decided something for yourself, about yourself and follow through!!!

Constant

EmotionalMeg

Hi again,
Thanks JT, for throwing the tomato in

It took me a loooong time to understand how to set a BOUNDARY for me; I was sure that my threats and rules for him were right on the money. It wasn't until I began to feel the strength I had, believed in myself, and began to LIKE what I had gained my my OWN recovery that it made any sense.

I realized that there were things I needed to do to MAINTAIN my health and serenity; and to protect myself and our children... Setting boundaries.

Thanks!
Meg